How To Match & Mirror Her Behavior To Maintain Attraction

How to match & mirror her behavior to maintain attraction in long term relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who shares the process of how he became exclusive with his girlfriend. Things are going well and she’s all over him calling 2-3 times per day. However, he is very insecure and worried about turning her off and second guesses himself. He asks how to match and mirror her behavior in a long term relationship to avoid neediness and turning her off.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “How To Match & Mirror Her Behavior To Maintain Attraction”.

When you’re in a long term relationship, I’ll add that last caveat. So this particular guy, he goes into detail about how he met and became exclusive with his now girlfriend. He said things are going well. She’s calling him like two three times a day. However, he is very insecure and he’s worried about turning her off, and he often second guesses himself.

He clearly really likes this girl a lot and he’s afraid of losing her. He’s afraid of making a mistake, and he asks about matching and mirroring her behavior in a long term relationship, because his biggest downside risk, in his eyes, is trying to avoid neediness and turning her off.

Because he knows that’s like his Achilles heel, or the chink in his armor. So he’s like, how do I do that? But in a long term relationship, do I match and mirror her actions? And if so, how do I do that?

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My name is Bob and I am 32 years old turning 33 in 12 days. Recently divorced. About four months later, found the girl of my dreams. She’s amazing in bed, a great communicator, and loving and compassionate. When we met, I used all the things you said in your book. Laying back in my chair at the bar.

Spread your legs, taking up too much space, obviously.

Letting her do 90% of the talking. When she would ask about me, I’d give a quick summary and throw it back on her. We were so curious about it each other. I started looking at her eyes and her lips and after a few times of doing this she just leaned right over and suck her tongue down my throat.

Well that’s nice. It’s nice when that happens. It’s nice to be wanted like that.

She said she couldn’t help it. I told her let’s go to get tacos, but we never got to the tacos.

Or the taco store or whatever.

We got to third base in my car. I did mess up a little bit by giving her a little slap on the face after choking her (which she liked) but she said, “did you just slap me!?” Laughing. I joked it off and said, “I thought I saw a bug”.

It’s like some girls like to be choked. Girls that have chokers on typically like to be choked in bed. I’m not one of those guys that’s in the what’s the word? Uh, some girls like to be spanked. They like to be slapped. They like to be choked. People are freaks. That’s one thing I know. You’ve got to be really careful about that. Especially with a girl you just met. And it looks like he noticed that she liked being choked. But when he smacked her, she was like, what? But at the end of the day, she seemed to like it.

We slept together on the second date at my apartment.

And I’m not telling you guys to go out and start smacking girls. I’m just saying, if you’re going to do that again, some girls like that. But you got to be very careful.

I put candles out (I know) and she said, “candles already?” I brushed it off and we had sex. She said she hadn’t had sex in 4 years, and she couldn’t believe we did it but she couldn’t resist me.

Four years. Come on.

Fast forward I used your dating approach, letting her come to me at her own pace. She asked if I was dating other girls and I said why? You don’t want me to? She said no. I said I guess alright you can lock me down. Lol. She would call me often mostly sending me texts throughout the day, I would reply when I had time since I was at work and didn’t really want to be texting back and forth all day.

I’m with you man. It’s fucking annoying because especially now with social media, All those messages, I just turn all that shit off. I don’t even go on there. But it’s like when you get all the texts coming in and out, it’s like, oh, it’s like, just come over, stop by.

If she would text me morning I’d reply. Then she’d reply and I would wait till after work and schedule a next date. I remember one day I didn’t text her all day because I remembered how you said women are like cats. This was right before a San Diego trip we took a month into dating. She said she didn’t like how I didn’t text her all day and at least wanted me to check in daily. I told her I thought she wanted a day to herself, but I missed her and sure.

We went to San Diego and had fun and hooked up. I never rushed for a relationship if anything she kept telling me let’s not rush this let’s just take our time. Which I loved since I had just gotten separated and I know that a relationship is just a label where both people can get complacent.

Well, it’s more than a label. It’s a commitment.

I was in no rush. I noticed she kept bringing it up however, so I did a romantic gesture and asked her to be my girlfriend. Flowers, rose pedals leading to room, and a card. She cried so much and said she’s never been loved this way and loved how I made her feel.

She let me read that sentence again. And loved how I made her feel. Women care about how you make them feel and how they feel about you. That’s the important thing. It doesn’t matter what a great guy you are. The rose petals are a nice touch once you’re exclusive and she loves you, but not on a second or third date. It’s too much. Just like when she’s like, candles already. She’s like, wow, this guy’s really into me. That’s when he kind of realized, oh, I’m overdoing it a little bit. This is why it’s more important to make sure she thinks she likes you more than you like her. And when it’s the other way around, she’s going to back off.

And hoped I could keep this up long term. Now we are in a relationship going on two months.

A whole two months.

I’ll admit we have had two “discussions” one where she said something inappropriate and I told her I didn’t like what she said and to please not say it again. Another time where I asked her to stay with me another night since she stays every weekend at my place, she said no and my drunk ass said, “I don’t want to force you alright then” and she said it reminded her of her ex and wanted to leave. I opened her up and we communicated and she apologized as did I.

Well, that’s nice.

Needy moment I know. Sometimes I tend to get in my head and find my old needy behaviors coming out.

Well, you were fucking drinking, dude. And if you’re one of those guys that cannot control your liquor and you lose your shit when you drink, then you should not drink. Or at the very least, you should only be drinking light beer. Don’t be drinking liquor if you’re going to overdo it. If you’re going to get drunk and you’re going to cause problems or drama then don’t fucking drink. Don’t be one of those dudes that keeps doing it, keeps causing problems until their relationship implodes and they go, you know what? I probably shouldn’t drink.

Projecting my ex-wife’s insecurities onto us. I find myself getting jealous at times since I caught my wife talking to another man and now I don’t trust women.

Well, you’re in the vetting process still, so you don’t know if you can trust her or not. You could be the best boyfriend in the world. But if you’re with somebody who’s disloyal, a liar, and a cheater, there’s nothing you could do. She’s going to cheat on you given the right circumstances. So it’s best to make sure that your girl thinks that you trust her implicitly, because then she’ll get sloppy and slip up and it’ll be easier to catch her.

And the sooner you catch her, the quicker you can eject. So being insecure and hovering over her phone and everything, and letting her know you don’t trust her is going to make her better at hiding it. If she is a liar and a cheater. So again, that’s why again, she thinks she’s got you bamboozled and got the wool pulled over your eyes and she’s a liar and a cheater, she’ll slip up and you’ll catch her.

I know it’s not her job to heal me but as I am liking her more and more I find more needy behaviors trying to get out.

This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, because if you knew the book backwards and forwards would be a lot easier to apply the right move in the moment. But when you don’t know it that well, and you’re really emotionally invested, like you’re starting to get, it’s a lot harder to do more things right than wrong, especially when you’re trying to overcome neediness and insecurity.

Your emotions will override logic and reason. And if you don’t have a good grasp of the book, when you get emotionally overwhelmed, you’ll do things that are unattractive that the book says not to do because quite frankly, you don’t know it. You’re not aware of it. You don’t catch yourself in time.

I’m on a Coach Corey Wayne cleanse right now reading your book day and night. Listening to the relationship part more and more on repeat on audiobook and paperback. I don’t show her my clingy side.

Well, I would prefer that you learn the whole book backwards and forwards, because pick up skills, dating skills, and relationship skills are required throughout the relationship. And you need to understand the flow. Because if you only learn one section and you don’t learn the others as well, you’re going to have holes in your game and it’s going to create dips in attraction, which are not fun, especially when they’re totally avoidable.

I don’t show her my clingy side because even though I feel it I remember your book and do what needs to be done however I hate that I feel insecure at times because like your book says “you have to own who you were in the beginning the courtship and never let it down”

Well you’ve just got to be consistent. So here’s the thing, what you’re dealing with is you’re dealing with your own insecurities, your fears, your doubt. There’s a wall of fear that you have to get through. And this is why you just have to spend enough time with a girl in a relationship that makes you feel this way. Usually a year to a year and a half where when you notice she kind of backs off a little bit, you kind of back off a little bit because women are like cats.

And what you’ll notice in a long term relationship is when you spend a lot of time together, it almost looks like she gets a little bored and would rather go and do something else. You cannot take that personally. You just have to recognize that you just spend a lot of time together, and naturally, she’s going to want to go off and do other things. And that’s why you need to just let her be. Even if you don’t talk to her or hear from her for a day or two, if she’s been texting you once or twice a day, every day for the last three weeks, and all of a sudden 2 or 3 days, you don’t hear a peep out of her.

Or maybe one random text. You can’t freak out about that. So you just let her be. And as the book says, you don’t hear from her for a whole week. Well, she might be mad at you and then you reach out. So it’s important to understand when to move forward, when to back off, when to match and when to mirror. So it’s something simple. Like if you guys are saying, I love you all the time to each other, then all of a sudden you notice in the last week you said it like ten times and she only mentioned it once. Well, that should mirror that.

Then only say it once in the next week. If her texts are getting shorter, yours should get shorter. If hers get longer, yours can get a little bit longer, but they should stay shorter. It’s always better if women think that they’re more into you than you are into them. It’s just the way it is. So you have to have an awareness of where her interest is at so you know when to move forward and when to back off and just let her be and give her some space so she can have her feelings bubble back up, start to miss you. Wonder why she hasn’t heard from you.

Wonder why it doesn’t seem like you’re bothered that she hasn’t been in touch for a few days, or you haven’t seen her as much, and then she’ll get a little bit insecure. Remember, it is a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So if it looks like she’s backing off, then you should back off a little bit. In other words, if she’s not making as much effort to contact you, you need to back off too and match and mirror that. Because that’s just indicative of a drop in energy or vibe. It could be a change in hormones.

It could be her time of the month for her period. And so that just might naturally happen then. She might have something she’s dealing with in her family that caused her to get a little squirrely. So you just can’t freak out if her behavior changes. Unless, of course, you notice she’s just being really distant, really cold, abnormally so. And you say, hey, babe, what’s going on? You seem a little distant. It’s like something on your mind. What’s going on?

I’m finding out that women who love you really do want your attention all the time. She calls me 3-4 times a day. FaceTime’s me. And I tell her to come over but often times she’s with family and invites me over.

Well, that’s fine too. If you’re like, “well, come over.” And she’s like, “well, I’m with family, why don’t you come meet us?” It’s like, “great.” That sounds like she’s a family oriented girl. That’s really nice when you’re dating a family oriented girl and you like her family. They’re cool. They’re cool peeps.

I’m finding out that I’m relationships it’s not about being technique-y or having a strategy. It’s about, allowing her to love me and not focusing on myself.

Well, you go to a relationship to give. You’re there to help each other grow, become more, try to meet each other’s needs. I mean, just putting a simple smile on her face. Just making her gush about you because you’re an awesome guy and because you’re great in bed.

It’s about opening your woman up and giving her the masculine presence that she craves. Matching and mirroring her energy. Being present in the relationship and understanding her and breaking past her barriers. One thing I will ask if you could answer. How can I know that if I match and mirror her good energy, it won’t throw off the dynamic of the relationship. I know you say to go slower than her, but does that apply in relationships.

Bob

Well, that’s why there’s a “The Attraction Table”, in the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers”. You need to know that, because it does fluctuate. You spend a lot of time together. You should expect almost a drop in enthusiasm and a guy could interpret that, oh, she doesn’t like me as much. Well it’s possible you did something to turn her off, but more often than not, you just spend a lot of time together. So familiarity, you kind of get bored of each other. Familiarity breeds contempt.

And so if you notice that your enthusiasm is dropped, then kind of give her the gift of missing you until the enthusiasm returns. In other words, you can’t completely freak out if you notice your girl is busy doing other things for the next few days or the next week when you spend so much time together in the previous couple of weeks you should expect that. And quite frankly, as a man, and when she’s calling and texting you and FaceTiming you 2 or 3 times a day, you should be glad when it happens.

You should be glad to have time away from her. And she’s like, did you miss me? He was like, no. She’s like, you didn’t miss me? He was like, well, babe, I got caught up in a lot of things. I had a lot of shit to do, but I was thinking about you, and it sure is nice to hear your voice. And I want to see you, so just make a date you like. You didn’t miss me. Like what? I was like, I’m just being honest, babe. But I would like to see you. It’s nice hearing your voice. Because when “do you miss me?” Is code word for “do you still care?”

So it’s okay to say you didn’t miss her, but then try to get her cute little ass over because you want to see her face, that shows that you care. It’s teasing her. It’s like leaving her hanging. Build a little tension, but then giving her what she really wants. Because you understand that’s really what she wants. But you give it to her in your way. You don’t just like a robot. Go. Yes, dear. I miss you too. You have a little fun with it. Because love is playful and fun. So again, you just gotta understand the big takeaway with the matching and mirroring is you got to pay attention to her effort.

If she stops saying I love you as much, then you back off saying I love you as much. Because we’re guys get into trouble is the woman backs off. Their interest is still sky high, and they keep acting like they’re interest is sky high, and they ignore the fact that she’s putting less effort in. She doesn’t call as much. He calls more. She doesn’t text as much. He texts more. Her texts are getting shorter. He makes his texts longer.

That’s what you’re trying to avoid. So you’re looking for less effort from her, means less effort from you, because you assume women have got to come to you at their pace, that she’s had her fill and you need to let her be. You need to let her wonder and get the gift of missing you. So she wonders what the hell you’re doing, what you’re up to, and why you haven’t been missing her. And again, you can have fun with that when she reaches out.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.