How To Minimize Overthinking & Unattractive Behavior When She Backs Away

How to minimize unattractive behavior if you notice her backing away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose girlfriend was traveling for a few months. Things started out strong but a few weeks after she left he started overthinking things, acting needy and he started displaying too much unattractive behavior. He’s having a hard time dealing with the uncertainty and since he didn’t take reading the book seriously, he’s really struggling with his blind spots and knowledge gap. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

How are you? Thanks for taking the time to reply to my first email. Your answer helped me a lot, but after reflecting more and recently finishing your book for the second time.

This time as the audiobook, I realized I left out important details that may change the read on the situation. What I wrote before was true, but incomplete. At the time, I had not fully noticed some of my own unattractive behavior. That is the main pattern I am trying to understand and fix.

A few details about her. We are both in our early 30s, I am 30 and she is 31, and she is a doctor. She is funny, intelligent, charming, and very easy to enjoy in person. At her best, she seemed warm, playful, spontaneous, and genuinely interested. She was all over me when we were together in person, and having a beautiful girl like that all over you is honestly addictive.

As I tried to stop focusing only on my feelings and vet her more properly, I started noticing things that now make me question her long term suitability. She told me she has trouble communicating and comes from a family where emotions were not openly discussed. Her relationship with her father seems bad. She said she does not respect him, feels he was absent, and described him as someone who never really made an effort to know her.

There also seems to be unresolved baggage with an ex from about a year and a half ago, though I did not dig into it at the time. It seems like he is out of the picture now, but you never really know.

As for my behavior, I think I did some things well. I made dates about once a week, used the phone mostly for setting dates, and when she called in other situations, I tried to keep it short. The dates were good, and I think I did a solid job following the 3 Hs.

After a few dates, she was all over me, started giving me cute nicknames, and even said she was looking for red flags because everything felt too perfect so far.

I remember thinking about your teachings when she said that. She also asked me questions about attachment theory, what type I thought I was, and how I would react in certain situations.

Looking back, I think she was vetting me for relationship potential while I was already imagining a whole future with her. Women really are better than us at keeping their emotions in check.

Now the bad part. I was not acting like a fully needy guy, but I can see now that once I really liked her, I started getting more attached to the outcome and did some things that were probably subtle overpursuing.

For example, I planned some very intimate, high effort dates, like cooking for her at home, which created more of a boyfriend vibe instead of keeping things light and fun.

I also gave her a gift before her trip.

I know what you are going to say, gifts are for girlfriends and wives only. “C’mon, man!” ha, ha.

I gave her a cute bracelet and told her it was so she would remember me while she was away. At the time it felt natural and thoughtful, and she seemed to really enjoy it.

She kissed me a lot that day and we had great sex. So maybe it was not a huge mistake by itself, but looking back, I wonder if it was another sign that I was already more invested than I should have been that early.

I even said, “I’m giving you this so you remember me while you’re away.” Dude.

During the trip, I am not sure exactly what I did that made the connection start to fade. At one point, I told her I missed her, and she replied, “I miss you a lot too! I wish you were here,” with lots of heart emojis. Another time, I posted a story of myself buying skincare products with a female friend. I joked that having female friends makes you take better care of your skin. My friend then said, “Your future girlfriend will like that.” Then she replied to that story asking about the skincare, and then asked, “And what is that future girlfriend talk about?” I tried to tease her and replied, “I think she just means in general, like my future girlfriend will enjoy having a boyfriend with good skin. Why, did you get a little jealous?”

She answered with a dry, “no, I’m not jealous, just curious.” That may have been a fumble.

I think my biggest mistake was texting too much. When communication became less consistent, I started noticing it too much, thinking about it too much, and wanting to do something to keep the connection alive.

I am actually surprised at my own self-control, because I think I kept it pretty cool outwardly, but I still initiated more than I should have. In person, the dynamic felt maybe 70/30 from her side.

But while she was away it started feeling more like 50/50. I think I messed that up.

Before you replied to my first email, I had already suggested a video chat because I thought it might help keep things warm and personal. She did not reject it, but said we could do it the next day.

Then the next day passed and she said nothing.

On the third day, she apologized, said things had been hectic on her trip.

And said she did not want me to think she had forgotten.

She is traveling with a female friend, they are sharing a room, and she mentioned the time difference too.

I replied, “It’s okay, we can do it when you are more free. Enjoy your trip.”

After that, she asked about me, my work, and other things.

That was when I started realizing I might be messing this up. Maybe her reasons were real, and maybe she just is not into video chats, but if a girl’s interest is very high, she usually does not leave you hanging for a full day and then explain later.

That whole situation made me reflect. The idea for the video chat did not come from a calm, centered place. It came from me feeling the distance, worrying the connection was fading, and trying to hold onto it.

So even if asking once was not a big deal by itself, I think the motivation behind it may have been unattractive, and women seem to pick up on that.

It is also kind of scary how easily men can lose themselves when they feel intense attraction and think they are doing well, when in reality they are making mistakes without noticing.

You were right about reading the book 10 to 15 times.

I need those ideas ingrained so they become natural and I stop overthinking.

Even though I feel a little down about those mistakes, I still think she has some attraction. When we do talk, she still feels warm and flirty, even though the frequency has dropped a lot.

Today she sent me a picture of some cat souvenirs because I have a female cat she loves, and she told me she is bringing one back for me.

We had a warm, quick conversation about that and I left it there. There are still about 20 days before she comes back. I am thinking of not sending any new messages.

And letting her do 100 percent of the pursuit until she returns.

Mostly to see what her real interest level is.

But then I start wondering, “What if she takes that badly and we lose even more connection?”

I know that is probably the illusion of action.

Now that you have more context, my main questions are, do you think I am right to let her do 100 percent of the pursuit until she comes back, or is it okay to talk to her from time to time?

I’m right to think that there’s still attraction?

She’s buying souvenirs for me etc. How do I reduce those relationship focused behaviors without making it look like I am pulling away on purpose?

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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