How To Negotiate Friends With Benefits If She Tries To Friend Zone You

How to get her to agree to being friends with benefits if she tries to friend zone you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who asks how to handle when women who just became single and they suggest being platonic friends instead of sex and romance. He ran into a girl he met years ago while in a relationship with another woman and they went on a date. During the date she said she just broke up with her boyfriend the day before they ran into each other 2 years after meeting, and wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything serious. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “How To Negotiate Friends With Benefits If She Tries To Friend Zone You.”

So this is an interesting email, and I think most people watching this have had situations like this happen. Like in this particular case, this guy was in a relationship with another woman a few years back, about two years ago. And so he met this particular girl, but he was taken, so he didn’t really think anything of it. And so I guess recently he was at a like a dance class because I guess they go to. I don’t know if it’s salsa or whatever.

And um, so she happened to be there and so he runs into her, they start chatting, he makes a date and uh, but when she’s on the date with him, she basically says, no kissing or sex, because I guess literally the day before she ran into him, after not seeing him for two years after they first met, she had just broken up with a boyfriend. And so she’s like, I’m not looking for anything serious. And so she said some things to him and he kind of misinterpreted. And now he hasn’t talked to her in a bit. And he’s wondering, huh. She tried to friend zone me. He’s like, what should we do? So this is a great type of comeback.

And it’s basically just the mindset. And the philosophy is anytime a woman says, “hey, let’s be friends only or let’s be friends first.” If you agree to that, then she’s going to know you’re a bitch and you’re soft and you can be Harry Honda. You can fix her toilet, you can rotate the tires on her car, but you’ll never get anywhere near the box. And so if a woman is, especially when they’re right out of a relationship, I mean, literally like the day before they ran into each other, she just had a breakup. So a woman like this is going to be hot and cold and all over the ice.

You got to proceed with caution. The worst thing you could do is to over pursue or some other girl talk too much, text too much. So you have to let her come to you at her pace. And obviously following the book will help you take slow, measured steps to the point where you’re creating plenty of space, plenty of time away from each other so her feelings can grow and you can stimulate her emotions. Because at the end of the day, things the women care most about is how they feel about you. Not what a great dude you are. You know, if you have good looks and success and money it will help you get your foot in the door. But if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach Corey Wayne,

First of all, thank you for your work, it’s been a real help. I’m not writing to ask how to win a girl, but to better understand how to handle situations like this, so I can grow and improve moving forward.

But still, the email is kind of about how to win a girl over because things did not go the way he expected. But it’s a great email and we can learn from it.

I met this girl two years ago through a friend, I had a girlfriend at the time, so I didn’t pay much attention. We hadn’t seen each other since, until recently, when she showed up at a dance event I organized.

So if he organized it, it sounds like, I guess, they’re mutual friends. Because this is another thing what women do. As soon as they have a breakup, they start thinking, who do I know? They get in touch with their beta male orbiters. These are the guys they’ve always been stuck in friend zone that are hoping to get a shot with her. And in this particular case, she met this guy and she remembered him. She probably heard about him through the grapevine because they’re I mean, as he said, they were introduced by a mutual friend. So she’s probably heard lots of good things about him.

And so his reputation preceded him. And because he probably treats the ladies good and so therefore they come back for second helpings and his reputation helps them because that looks like to me, is that she showed up trying to create an interaction with this guy. Because that’s just unusual. And then when you hear later he finds, he didn’t know this at the time, but later on the date, that’s when he finds out that she literally just broke it up with some other dude.

We talked briefly, she asked me to dance at the moment, so we danced, and we agreed to go out dancing the following week.Three days later, I reached out to confirm plans.

Well, if you’re together, ideally if a woman saying, “hey, we should get together and do this dancing again.” You can say, “hey, yeah, that’s a great idea. Why don’t we do that? Maybe afterwards we’ll go grab a bite to eat or something.” And you make plans on the spot. That’d be the better thing to do. But again, it’s not the end of the world because you have social proof here. Because you have mutual friends in common. So the likelihood of her dicking you around is low compared to if this was some just random chick you met on Tinder or Hinge or one of the dating apps. And plus on top of this, she’s showing up. She’s pursuing him, so he’s past her physical attraction test.

She’s interested and she’s open because again, she’s on her rebound right now. I mean, she literally just broke up with the dude so he could potentially help her with her grief therapy. You want to be the fun escape. You don’t want to dwell and talk about the ex, or because if you have her, you start talking about the ex and let her dwell on those things, it’s quite possible you’re on a date and then she has a fucking meltdown. And now you’ve brought up all the negative feelings about her breakup. And so now she’s feeling like shit and she’s with you. So now being with you, she associates with feeling like shit.

Whereas the right way to handle it is like, “hey, let’s go have a good time and see what happens.” If you keep it fun, you keep it light, now you’re an escape from the fact that she just had a breakup. And that’s why it’s best not to talk about those things unless she’s got some things she wants to share. But just keep in mind, the longer you talk about and focus on the ex or the relationship, that didn’t work out. I had this happen to me when I was younger many times. It’s like, you know, you feel like, “oh, I want to listen to her and be there for her and help her with her grief therapy or whatever.” But she ends up having a meltdown and then it’s like, the whole fucking date sucks. It ruins the vibe.

She goes home, gives you a hug, and then, you know, you go home with blue balls and then you get, “hey, I just think of you as a friend or I’m not ready to date right now.” And whereas if you just go out and you hang out and you have fun together, and when the signs are there, she’s ready to be touched, kissed or seduced, seduce her. You sweep her off her feet. You have a good time. Now, instead of struggling with the breakup, she got to hang out with you. And it was a blast, and she got laid and you made her cum like a waterfall hopefully. So she’ll come back for more. Because women like good dick and they like good sex game, and if you got it, they’ll be satisfied customer. And they’ll want to come back over and over and over again.

Three days later, I reached out to confirm plans. She said she was busy with her diploma defense.

So she suggests getting together. And then she says, “oh, I’m busy.” So this is what the hot and cold behavior looks like. Under normal circumstances she suggested getting together, and now she’s, “I’m too busy” because maybe she just got off the phone with the ex and now she’s in a bad mood. Or maybe she’s thinking, well, maybe it’ll work out with him. And so this is where “loving in such a way that the person you love feels free” as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say comes in to play.

I wished her good luck and told her to reach out when she was free.

So she likes you. And remember, this is a woman that showed up at your event because she heard about you. Because you got a good reputation and your friends probably did you a good solid. And they built you up and they didn’t make you look weak. Which a lot of people that don’t, you know, guys and girls, women especially, they don’t know any better than they usually say things. Especially if you’re a guy that gets rejected a lot or had bad luck, they’ll say that. And that’s not helpful. He’s a great guy, but he always gets dicked around. Right Rocket man.

A few days later, she suggested a day, I chose the time, and we met.

So he was direct. He was decisive. He got to the point. So guys that deep down worry that they won’t get what they want. They won’t wait for her to reach back out. They’ll call, they’ll wait a couple of days. They don’t hear from her. And then they reach out saying, hey, did you figure out your schedule? Whereas a guy who’s calm, who’s cool, who’s collected, who’s used to getting what he wants, who’s used to women getting back to them, and especially in this case, it’s pretty obvious she likes them. I mean, she was already sold. It’s just a matter of arranging a date when she’s excited to hang out. And so he just let her be. Now she’s come back, you know. Because just the way you handle it, saying, “hey, no problem. Figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’d love to see you.”

And then 4 or 5 days go by, or in this case, a few days, maybe a few is typically three days, four days. She reaches back out. So she didn’t feel good at the time when he reached out to confirm plans. So he just let her be. And then a few days later, she’s in a different headspace. She starts thinking about him, and then she reaches out. So they make a date. This is what women do. They kind of go back and forth. So you can’t get upset. You can’t freak out about that it’s just your job is to make the appointment and then get the hell off the phone. He doesn’t need to talk her into liking him. She already likes him. He just needs to not talk her out of it.

We went for a walk, then to a bar, had some drinks, and danced. I’m know sin the place, so she was surprised. Fun fact, during the night, another girl asked me for my contact in front of her. 

Oh that’s helpful. Women like you more if you’re popular with the ladies of another girl, comes up to you and wants your contact info.

My mindset was: hang out, have fun, and hook up. The night was fun, we kissed several times. She seemed talkative, but didn’t ask much about me.

Remember, she’s on the rebound. She’s trying to escape from the pain of the breakup that she’s going through. And this is why it’s just her being with you, enjoying having conversation, talking about things that are positive. They’re fun, that are light, that make her laugh. The focus and the good things. Not the bad breakup she had. Again, whatever a woman, whatever you make her feel when she’s with you, is what she’s going to associate with being with you. That’s why it’s a drag to dwell and, you know, try to be, you know, her therapist and let her talk about the ex or the bad breakup. Let her talk a little bit, especially if you start to see her get a little upset. Change the subject to something fun, something light. Don’t fucking dwell on it, because otherwise you’ll torpedo the vibe for the whole evening. And cockblock yourself unnecessarily.

While we laughed and shared good moments, I felt her emotionally distant.

Well again. She just had a breakup, literally like days before. Actually about a week before.

There wasn’t much depth or curiosity on her end, and I didn’t feel a strong emotional connection, just physical attraction.

So he wanted to smash. He wanted to beat up her pelvis and help her with her grief therapy. So she walks away with a happy smile.

She eventually mentioned she had just broken up with her boyfriend the day before my event. She made it clear she wasn’t looking for anything serious.

And so if she says that it’s like, hey, that’s totally understandable. I mean, if you just break up with somebody. It’s like, I just want to go out and have a good time. I’m sure you could use a good time right about now. And you know what? I’m really glad we ran into each other. I’m really glad you came to the event I organized, and I just want to go have a good time. So let’s have fun, make each other laugh, and we’ll see what happens.

I stayed cool and said I was just enjoying the moment. She asked why I kissed her, and I said, “I saw you and couldn’t help it.” and we kissed more.

You basically told her she was beautiful and she was desirable. And so then you kissed some more. It’s the right thing to do.

After we left the place, she brought up the topic again, saying she wasn’t ready for anything serious and didn’t want to feel used.

So in other words, what she’s saying to you. I’m not looking for a relationship. I just got out of one. I need to heal. And if we have sex, I hope that I’ll be able to continue to see you. And we won’t just smash and I’ll never hear from you again. That’s basically what she’s saying. So she’s basically just told him that she’s open to hooking up. But in other words, don’t take it too far. Don’t think I’m going to be your girlfriend. It’s in other words, she’s basically saying she’s down for a rebound sex. These little subtle ways that women communicate.

And how you respond determines whether or not you understand women, and you move freely, as Zan would say, in the land of women, because men who move along. Move in the land of women however they want. They understand exactly. What she just said to them, which is, hey, I’m down to fuck, but I don’t. Want a relationship and I don’t want any drama. I don’t want to complicate things. And guys that understand that know how to respond and guys that don’t will fumble the football.

She added she usually looks for serious relationships and wants to get married someday. She asked me what I was looking for.

Well, a simple response that is like, well, you know, I’d love to meet somebody and live happily ever after. And I’m really glad we ran into each other. I’m really glad you showed up at the event. And, uh, I’m having a good time. And by the way, your lips look a little dry right now, so let me moisten them up for you real quick. And then you kiss her. See, it’s just it’s so easy to do that there.

I said I’m not rushing into anything either, but I’m open to something real if it happens naturally.

Which is a pretty good response. Not the way I would have phrased it, but still a good response.

She suggested we stay friends, to avoid making it a rebound or a fling.

Well, I would respond to that. I would just say, hey, you know what? Friends with benefits is awesome to me. No attachments. I mean, you just gotta have a relationship. You need time to heal anyways. But you know what? Let’s hang out. Let’s get to know each other, you know? You know, my friend Bob had really good things to say about you, and he said, what a great girl you are. And and so I just want to have a good time. You know, we’ll just take things slow and, you know, no pressure. But, you know, we’d be friends with benefits. I don’t want it to be a fling either. It’s like I like hanging out with you. That’s how I would have handled it.

I told her honestly, “I’m not interested in a platonic relationship where we just talk about problems.”

So that kind of tells me that probably on his date he may have been letting her dwell on the ex a little bit. And so it was kind of a buzzkill. And so that’s why she’s saying, ah, this guy’s probably better his friends. I don’t think he can just kind of handle. In other words, she’s down for a fling, but she doesn’t want to get discarded and ghosted as soon as you sleep with her. So what you’re basically communicating is, hey, I’m not looking to get serious with me. I just, we just met. And you just got out of a relationship. We need to take things slow, but let’s have a good time and let’s see what happens. But I suspect that he didn’t really handle the conversations really that great. Probably. Again, like I said, dwell too much on the problems and the breakup. So it was kind of a turd in a punch bowl vibe at that point.

“If you want to enjoy a good time, that’s me.” She looked slightly disappointed, but then we kissed again several times and parted ways.

Well, it’s, what it looks like is he heard this and he’s just like, ah. Oh, well I’m out. He just kind of gave up. A delay is not a denial. I would have kept hanging out with her or I said, hey, why don’t we get out her and go back to my place and grab a bottle of wine or open a bottle of wine? And she may say, no, let’s stay here and have another drink. It’s like, hey, no problem.

An hour later, she messaged me, thanking me for the night and saying she was home. I hearted the message.

He said so an hour later. I mean, maybe I don’t know how far away she was, but if she’s only a handful of minute, ten, 15 minutes away and an hour later she says, hey, think night was great. I’m home. Sometimes if she’s close, she could say, “you should come over and have a glass of wine with me.” Or, “hey, you should come over, have a nightcap.” See what she says. But it’s not the end of the day. He just heard the message again. It’s not the end of the world. The way he handles things. I just would have tactfully handled it better because there’s a good chance, just based on what she was saying, he probably could have taken her home and hooked up with her that night. So it’s a little bit of the nice guy. Um, I’m going to be Mr. Respectful. And so he just kind of stopped his seduction when she said what she said.

Three days later, at another event I hosted, I sent her a photo with a casual, “Hey, look where I am.” (A place we both know well and like). She hearted it, but nothing more.

Well, if she’d started it again, the phones were setting date. So now you’re sending her pictures so it’s not the end of the world, if you’d have done that, you should have said, you know, when she hearted it, I would have just said, “hey, I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like? When are you free next?” And then made the date.

Before, even with little texting from my side, she was more responsive.

Yeah, because the way you handled yourself at the end of the date wasn’t ideal. Again, the things I’m talking about are like little subtle tweaks there the difference that makes the difference. You know, I think more than likely, you probably could have gone home with her and hooked up that night. But I think the way you handled yourself and the conversation, the vibe. She probably thought more of that. That’s why she tried to friend zone you, because she didn’t feel that you were the type of guy that would just be easygoing, easy to get along with, would treat her great, not, you know, just fuck her and then blow her off or talk shit about her to your friend, that kind of thing. So she hated it, but nothing more. And then obviously, you know, she was really responsive.

Since then, I haven’t followed up, I don’t want to fall into the action trap.

Well, again, the phone is for setting dates. And so you basically sent a meme or a picture in this case the purpose is to set a date. And so she just hearted the message because you didn’t ask her a question, you didn’t invite her to do anything. But it’s not the end of the world. Because if another week goes by, or two weeks since that’s happened, you can reach out again. But you got to remember, the ex is more than likely 75% of the time women do the dumping. There’s a good chance that the ex is still trying to get back with her. So in this case, it’s like you want to strike while the iron is hot.

I guess, she probably just wanted to have a nice time, enjoy the night but didn’t want more, maybe because her breakup was recent, maybe she is not that into me despite the kissing and all that stuff, maybe she’s exploring her options. It could also be that I gave off a needy vibe without realizing it.

Well like I said, the way you handled things when she brought the friendship, that’s why she was kind of deflated. She didn’t like your answer. In other words, your answer dried her up. But like I said, based on her words, you know, it’s like when women say, hey, no sex or kissing. In other words, that means sex or kissing is going to happen unless you don’t talk me out of it. And so in this case, you just didn’t handle things right. Because again, she’s suggesting friendship because of the vibe that you were giving off. And maybe some of the things you said, maybe you communicated that you were looking for more than just something casual right now. And she wants a guy in her life that is an escape from the pain of the breakup. And he’s easygoing, no drama, low maintenance, not going to create any problems for not going to give her a hard time if she’s not available or whatever. He’s just going to delight in her presence. And when he’s with her, he’s going to seduce her and give her a good time and lots of orgasms and happy finishes.

Whatever the reason, I’m okay. I had fun and a good time, and whether she reaches out again or not, I’m okay. I’ll continue meeting other women and living my life. Maybe I’ll reach out in a week or two. If nothing changes, I’ll close the chapter and move on.

Thanks again for your wisdom and guidance.

Sincerely,


Bob

Well, at this point, again I would have not handled things the way you did. But it’s not the end of the world, so you definitely should reach out in a week, week and a half. Because it is, you can look at it this way. It also can be kind of mysterious. You said, hey, guess where I am? And she just hearted it. When somebody hearts it, that’s basically like the end of the conversation. I would have if you’re going to do that, I said, “hey, guess where I am, you know, wish you were here. I’d love to see you again. When are you available next?” And if she’s like, “oh, I’m really having a hard time, I’m struggling. I don’t really want to date anybody right now.” It’s like, “this is exactly why you and I need to go out and have a good time. You sound like you’re down in the dumps, so let’s go turn that frown upside down and go dance and have some fun. And let’s put a smile on your face and. And obviously, maybe a little kissy poo if you play your cards right.” I would have made a date. That’s what I would do.

That’s how I would handle those things. So I’m trying to give you different situations and scenarios and responses. So I would definitely reach out to her. You can’t expect that she’s going to do all the pursuing now. You’re just. It’s too soon for that to happen. So reach out. Make the date and then see what happens. Just remember, whenever a woman uses the F word, friends just say, “I’m down for friends with benefits. That’s cool with me. You know that works. It’s no drama, no attachments. I’m totally digging it. And who knows? Maybe someday we’ll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. And, you know, have a tribe of kids together. It will help repopulate the Earth, as Elon Musk is very concerned about.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.