How To Overcome Nice Guy Syndrome

How to overcome nice guy syndrome to prevent chasing women out of your life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he suffers from nice guy syndrome. He’s says he’s been following my work for about two years, but admits to only picking up the book to read it when things go sideways. He mostly cherry picks info from videos and keeps making the same unattractive mistakes that predictably turn women off that he dates.

He will do well for the first few weeks of dating, but once his emotions get involved he loses all self control and reverts back to his beta male nice guy routine and chases the women out of his life. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular Members Only email is a little longer than normal, but there’s a lot of really good information in here and a lot of detail in this guy’s email. I wanted to go through it because you can tell this guy is really struggling with being too nice and implementing what’s in the book. So it’s a really good email to learn from, because this guy seems to be OK out of the gate in the first few weeks or a month or so in. Then, as he says, “I always screw it up,” which when you think like that, “I always screw it up,” that’s your belief system. That’s your story that you tell yourself if every time you start dating somebody. “Well, I always screw it up. It’s just a matter of time before I do that.” You’re actually telling your brain to look for reasons, ways and circumstances that you can screw it up.

If you’re trying to overcome the stuff that I talk about in the book, being needy, being insecure, being too soft, being too nice, too compliant, always going along with what a girl wants because you’re seeking her approval. It’s going to take time and repetition to overcome that. The idea is that the reason why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times is you should be reading it and you should be applying it in real time. You don’t read it 50 times and then start dating and interacting with women. You read it, you interact, you go out on dates, and then you get to the end of the book, and then you go back and you just keep reading it, because what you need to have happen is you need to have enough time and enough real world situations in your own life happen and have enough interactions with women to see the patterns that are talked about in 3% Man in your life. You also got to get to a place where a woman falls in love with you, and you take her through the process in the book where you’re able to maintain it and you’re able to keep her in love with you until maybe you decide to end it, or you decide you don’t want to be in it anymore. So if you’re good out of the gate, maybe you get a few months down the road and you’re always getting dumped, then that means that you’ve still got some work to do.

So this guy, when his emotions become engaged, all rationality goes out the window and he just goes based upon what he feels. We have to remember that we’ve all been propagandized by the same dysfunctional archetypes that are in TV and movies all the time. Whatever you observe, you participate in. That’s why you got to be vigilant always. That means reading the book, that means applying it, it means watching videos, that means staying focused on the material until you have enough experience and enough time in, which usually takes years, with women behaving the same way to where you can always tell lay feel about you, you never worry about being left or being dumped. So this guy gets to a certain point and then his emotions become engaged, and then he just completely loses his shit and does the opposite of what he knows he should be doing, but this is all of our struggles. Again, you guys that have been through my book enough times know that it took me years to overcome this. It’s not an easy thing. The stronger the programming is, the longer you’ve been the nice guy, the harder it’s going to be to overcome it. It’s just going to take time and repetition. This is not something that you can just half ass it with.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I have been following you for the last two years and I am reaching out to you to share my relationship struggles hoping that you can share some insights of how I can become a better lover.

To give you a backstory:

I am a confident 32-year-old guy. I like to work out and take good care of my physical and mental health. I have a good job and a loving family. I truly enjoy my life and everything is in place for me to succeed in my profession and personal life.
The only thing missing is a good and healthy romantic relationship.

I don’t struggle with picking up and dating women. I always make sure to have at least a couple women in my life just for hooking up. These women are for lust and not love. I can call them for a booty call even if I have not spoken to them for days or weeks. Eventually they will find a guy who is serious with them and I will look for replacements on Tinder.

Here is where I struggle: When I find a women I am attracted to beyond sex, I always screw it up.

Yeah, because what happens is, when you really like a girl and you start to care, now you got something to lose. When you become fearful that you got something to lose, what you typically do is you become too nice, too soft, too compliant because you don’t want to piss her off and you don’t want to lose her. What happens is, when you do that, you stop behaving like the mysterious masculine guy that they started to fall for, and then you revert back to your old unattractive beta male ways, and then it’s just a matter of time before you chase them out of your life and they’re gone. So you’re obviously having a hard time maintaining it.

This is why you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, and most importantly, you got to practice it. He doesn’t say in here how many times he’s read the book or if he’s read it, but if a guy is just cherry picking videos, usually his game is sloppy because he’s cherry picking things and he’s bending his reality or the truth to, in other words, justify to continue doing the same unattractive things and absolve himself from any responsibility for it.

You got to participate in your own rescue. If you’re constantly turning women off for the same reasons, especially here he’s like, “I always screw it up. I always chase them away,” in essence, well that’s his mentality. So he whether he realizes it or not, his personal story is causing him to behave that way because people will act consistently with how they view themselves to be. It doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. As soon as he gets emotionally hooked, his fears of not being good enough, his fears of not having what it takes, his fear and worry about not being loved kind of takes over, so he tries to force things. He starts out really attractive in the beginning, but as soon as he starts caring, he becomes really unattractive. So that tells me he’s got a lack of self-awareness he doesn’t recognize that what he’s doing and saying is really unattractive in the moment because again, probably he hasn’t read the book 10 to 15 times and doesn’t really know. He’s just trying to half-ass it and cherry pick a few things from videos, because this is how most people are. They’re just lazy.

I mean, 74% of all Americans are either overweight or they’re obese. Taking care of their bodies and just basic fitness is just not something they’re even into. Their bodies are an afterthought. They don’t even give it any consideration. So people are that lazy, the overwhelming majority of people in this country are that lazy and that neglectful of their bodies, when it comes along to self help, or doing the things you need to do to get ahead in life and accomplish your grandest goals and dreams, very few people are willing to do it. That’s why the title is 3% Man. Only about 3% are cleaning up, because only about 3% of the people are willing to do anything about it. When you look at how America was founded, most people were kind of indifferent. They didn’t want to get involved. They didn’t want to risk anything. It was only about 3% of the American colonists fought in or supported the Revolutionary War. Most people just didn’t want to be involved and weren’t involved, and they got to reap the benefits in the long run.

You could say from their perspective, it was actually smart for them to be that way because they didn’t risk anything. When you look at the Founding fathers and the ones that actually risked everything, a lot of them died, lost their families, lost their wealth and were financially, emotionally, mentally broken after the Revolutionary War. He started out being wealthy and successful. Yeah, they helped birth this great country, but at the end, they destroyed their own lives, they self-immolated in order to do it unfortunately. They did it for the benefit of everybody else. Again, it’s just typical that most people are just not willing to do what it takes to really be truly successful in life. They’re just lazy. They want the shortcut. You got to participate in your own rescue.

Again, that’s your personal story and what you tell yourself, so you’re going to act consistently with that. Even when you see it happening, you’ll do it because that’s your belief. You have to have awareness of it and exercise self control to not blow things up. If you don’t understand all of the behaviors and the philosophy that’s in the book, you don’t understand what behaviors are turning women off, then you’re going to continue to make the same mistakes and not even realize what you’re doing and saying that runs them out of your life.

In the last 10 years, I had three serious relationships. My first real relationship I ended myself because she was moving to Spain and I wanted to stay in the Netherlands. The other two girls dumped me cause I was needy, insecure and too nice.

In other words, you didn’t act like a man. You acted like a little girl. You didn’t stand up for yourself and your values and what you believed in. If you won’t stand up for yourself and your values and the things that you believe in, how are you ever going to protect her or make her feel safe? If you just say whatever you need to say because you’re trying to be a pleaser, because you’re afraid of losing her, well you’re going to lose her anyways because she’s not going to respect you, because again, you don’t stand for anything.

In between, I got dumped by two other girls that I was seriously dating because of the same reasons. At this point, it’s just textbook of how I fuck it up. The girl starts really heavy and affectionate. They will do 90% of the reaching out and then after 3-4 weeks it goes downhill. The dating/hooking up stage is no problem for me, but when both our feelings start to develop, I just choke. I have read your book four times and I highlighted all the parts where I struggle. Still, I can’t get it down. Please talk some sense into me.

So you’ve read it four times, you’ve highlighted certain things, and now you’re half-assing it by only reading the highlighted things. You have to get to know this stuff so well that you could teach a class on it. Reading it four times is not 10 to 15 times. When I say 10 to 15 times, that means read the whole thing backwards and forwards just because you’re missing the nuances. You’re trying to be lazy and you’re trying to half-ass it. There are no shortcuts to success, and you continually make the same mistakes over and over, and it’s not dawning on you until it’s too late. You don’t even realize the things you’re doing and saying that are turning women off, because most of the book you’re not even reading. You’re just reading the highlights. It’s not going to work in this case.

You have to understand the flow and the philosophy. The book goes from pickup to dating to relationship and maintaining it. You’re short circuiting and short-cutting that process because again, you’re not taking the time to read the book cover-to-cover. The right way to do it is to put it on two-speed in the audio-book and follow along in a digital or a physical copy as you’re listening to it. You shouldn’t be listening to the book as background noise, or in the gym, or when you’re driving in your car, or when you’re doing things in your house and it’s playing in the background. You have to concentrate on the material. If you don’t do that, you’re going to miss most of the information. Especially if you’re only looking at your highlights, you’re missing a lot of the little subtle nuances of the book.

Again, you’re not following the instructions in the book. I mean, it tells you right in the beginning why to read it 10 to 15 times and you’ve only read it four times, and you’re now only looking at the highlights. You’re not going to be successful. It’s not going to be sustainable. You’re not being a good student and you’re you’re not listening to what the Coach has been teaching you and telling you. You’re just still trying to do your own thing and do it your own way because it’s quicker and you’re lazy, but you keep ending up at the same result, which is getting rejected because you lose your shit, because once you start to care, you come unglued and you no longer act attractive and you don’t even recognize that you’re doing it until it’s too late.

In the beginning of May, I started dating a real hot and cool girl who checks all my boxes. Sooner than normally, I already fucked up after two weeks.

Well, she’s not emotionally bonded to you after two weeks, so you start displaying unattractive behavior, it can be a matter of days and she’s going to be out.

Normally you will get some BS excuses when a girl dumps you, but I was lucky that this girl was very open and not afraid to share her true thoughts. I saw this as a great opportunity to learn from.

One side note: There’s a shit ton of spelling mistakes in this. I mean, the email is full of them. This guy didn’t even bother proofreading the email that he sent me. That’s how sloppy he is. Attention to detail!

So she told me some reasons why I turned her off. The biggest issue was that I was being to nice. She also told me that I do a lot of things to turn her on, but the nice guy thing would be a problem in the future.

Yeah, you’re just too soft, you’re too compliant, you let her push you around, you let her treat you like a doormat. It starts out as subtle testing in the beginning, but if you’re changing your opinion to match hers, or if you invite her to join you for sushi and she’s like, “Oh, I hate sushi. How about we do Italian?” And you hate Italian, and you’re like, “OK, let’s go do Italian,” then you’re miserable and you’re not enjoying your meal, and she’s like, “Well, I asked you if you were sure,” then like, “Oh, I just want you to be happy, baby.” Making her happy while making yourself miserable, she’s not going to respect that. So part of being too nice again, she’s able to push you around, jerk you around, you don’t stand up for yourself, you don’t stand up to her. Therefore, she doesn’t feel safe with you. If you won’t stand up for yourself and what you believe in, she’s not going to trust you to stand up for herself and your family and protect her. You’re not going to make her feel safe and the legs are going to close. That’s a fact of life.

You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. You’re supposed to have a plan when you pick her up and you take her out, you’re supposed to know where you’re going, you have any dinner reservations made ahead of time, tell her what she needs to wear or how she needs to dress and have everything handled. If you show up with no plan and you’re like, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, honey. What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do? I’m open to anything you want to do, sweetheart. I’m just here for you. I want to show you a good time. Where do you need me? “That’s the mentality, and it’s disgusting. Turns a woman’s stomach.

My scarcity mindset already had me picking up your book again (Lazy mentality, I know)…

So you only go back to it when things fuck up. Again like I said, you’re only reading what’s highlighted and you’re missing most of the book.

…And I started reading the highlighted chapters. I was able to turn it around and we had two great weeks. After that, I stopped my needy behavior and made her do the reaching out again. I noticed she felt more comfortable and safe, inviting me to her house frequently. Every time we were together, she did not want me to leave and was already planning new dates, constantly calling me in between dates cause she misses me. I finally felt like I was making progress in changing my mindset, until one day she had a shit day at work and instead of me just listening and being emotional support, I was offering all kinds of advice (Nice guy mentality).

You were trying to fix and solve her problems and she was probably saying, “You’re not listening.” Again, this is why you read the book 10 to 15 times, but you weren’t. You don’t listen to me and you weren’t listening to her. This is not surprising. This is not a mystery why you’re turning women off.

I noticed it turned her off and to make it worse. We had really bad sex for the first time since meeting her.

I don’t know how that happened. You drank too much? You were nervous? You could tell she was upset with you? Maybe you were trying to seduce her, when she wasn’t really turned on, but you really wanted to bust a nut. Then you could tell she wasn’t into it, so you became fearful and maybe get a little soft. Maybe you had some performance anxiety, I don’t know.

After the sex, she was cold and distant, and as soon as I left her house I knew I fucked up. The next day she took a long time to respond to my texts and they were very short.

Again, he’s texting her, he’s not following what’s in the book. You’re supposed to make one date per week, as the book says. The only reason you make more dates per week is if she’s calling and texting you. So what happens? You can tell you fuck up instead of just letting her be for a couple of days and waiting to hear from her, and if you don’t hear from her for a week, then you reach out. Instead, you’re now over texting and calling too much. You can feel her slipping away, so now you’re driven by fear. Now all of your reaching out is not because you want to see her or talk to her. You’re just scared that she’s going to lose interest and dump you like all the other ones did. So now you’re starting to do exactly what has turned all these women off, which is calling too much, texting too much, being worried and fearful that you’re going to lose her, which is the opposite of being confident.

Women love confidence in a man. As soon as you start acting like you don’t deserve her and don’t deserve to be with her, or you act like you don’t feel like you’re worthy of being with her, she’s going to agree with that and say, “You know what? You’re a great guy. You’d be a great friend for me. You can unclog my toilet, rotate my tires and change the battery in my car anytime, and I’ll give you a nice kiss on the cheek.”

Instead of giving her space, I once again began my nice guy act constantly texting and being extra sweet thinking this will change her feelings.

This is the opposite of what the book teaches. Again, you don’t know the book, so this should be not surprising at all.

A day later, she texted me that she is not ready for a relationship and wanted to be by herself.

So there it is! You smothered her and chased her out of your life with your needy, neurotic behavior.

I know she means that she doesn’t want a relationship with me, and once again, like every other I girl I fall in love with, it ends with a lot of pain.

Well, you chase her out of your life. You chose to be a shitty, lazy student. You don’t know the book. You keep making the same mistakes because you’re not recognizing when it’s happening, that you’re making mistakes.

After that conversation, I started no contact and it has now been three weeks. I hope she will come back, but I doubt it. Interesting how everything can go south within 24 hours.

Well, the reason it’s going south is because you’re only dating a couple of weeks. She never fell in love with you, she never got emotionally bonded to you, you were going way too fast, you get way too serious too soon. You’re only paying attention to your interest in her, and you’re completely ignoring her lower interest in you. That is a recipe for disaster. The reason why it keeps happening is again, you’re just too lazy to read the book. Again, just reading the highlights you’ve made there? That’s not working, dude. You got to read the book 10 to 15 times, not highlights 10 to 15 times.

What is your advice on my general situation and this specific girl?

You got to read the book 10 to 15 times. You got to actually read it cover-to-cover, put the audio-book on two-speed and follow along in a digital or physical copy, or the one that you got highlighted. I assume you got a physical copy of it. Read the whole thing, listen to the whole thing, not the highlights. It’s not going to work if you keep doing what you’re doing. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got, and you’re clearly not happy with the results. So you need to change your approach because it’s not working. You’ve tried it your way. You’ve yet to try it the way I teach.

I don’t get why I struggle so much with the nice guy syndrome.

Because you’re a shitty, lousy student. That’s as simple as it is. You’re not even aware of it until after the fact.

I work as a manager in a big logistic company, having 40+ people working for me. Every day we have a strict time frame to perform our work and I know I am a strict and hard leader. People like my approach and I am on the verge of promoting to area manager having two locations under my wing.

Well, congratulations and all your business success, and what will actually skyrocket your professional success is learning the book and mastering it, and getting a woman to fall in love with you and keep her in love with you. You’re crashing and burning right after you kind of get airborne a little bit because again, you don’t you don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to fly the plane. Instead, you fly it into the tarmac or in the side of a mountain.

My father is strong masculine man and I had a good example to follow. I truly appreciate the way he raised me.

Well, you lack discipline, my man.

He was out of the country for business a lot of time and left me in “Charge” to take care of my mother and two younger sisters, which I always did. When my dad was not around, I was the man of the house providing for them.

How come I can’t apply these things in a relationship?

Because you don’t know the book.

I dearly want to thank you for your time to read this and for all your great work. Have a great day, Coach!

Kind regards,

Bob

Again, there’s no shortcuts to success. You didn’t see when Tom Brady was playing football. He wasn’t highlighting the playbook and just looking at the highlights. He was going through play-by-play. He go out in the practice field and he would rehearse those plays and film himself rehearsing those plays, and then he would come back in and re-watch the film, compare it to what was in the book, make some adjustments, fine tune some things, fine tune some routes or some blocking that may have been off with the guys on offense. Then he would go back out in the field and he would do it all over again. He mastered it, and he was constantly remastering it all the time, every season. If he had the same approach to the NFL playbook that you have to reading and learning my playbook, you’re going to get cut. You’re not even going to make it on the practice squad. You’re always going to be a free agent.

Your approach is not working and there’s no shortcuts to success. I keep saying the same things over and over. You tried it your way long enough and it hasn’t worked. If you’re happy with the results you’re getting, by all means ignore what I’m saying and just keep doing it your way. You got to read the book cover-to-cover 10 to 15 times, really take it seriously, apply it and take the measured steps. Barraging a woman with texts and phone calls is going to chase her out of your life. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. If you knew the book backwards and forwards and you knew exactly what to do and you had multiple women that you could practice with, you wouldn’t keep screwing things up the way you’re doing it. The problem is, you’re just not following the instructions. Maybe you think you’re above it all or you’re too smart or because you’re a manager it doesn’t apply to you, but every interaction with girls you like ends the same way. The things I read, the things that you’re doing, these are all things that are detailed in the book on what not to do. You got to put the time in. No shortcuts to success.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.