How To Overcome Paralyzing Fear Of Approaching & Talking To Women

How to overcome paralyzing fear of approaching & talking to women.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he hasn’t had much luck in dating. He’s in his thirties and ready to meet someone special. However, he’s says anytime he meets a woman he really likes, he just freezes. He wants to find someone special, but he can’t even open his mouth to start talking and interacting most of the time. He asks what can he do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “How To Overcome Paralyzing Fear Of Approaching & Talking To Women.”

So this particular guy, he’s in his 30’s and he hasn’t had much luck in dating. He wants to meet somebody special, but he says every time he meets a girl he really likes, he just [imitates a person frozen in fear.] He freezes, doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to do. But if you know The Book backwards and forwards, and you’ve read it 10 to 15 times, you should know that it’s not really about what you say to her. It’s about getting her to talk and open up and ask her questions. So if you meet a girl and you’re fascinated by her, there should be lots of things you want to know about her. But this guy, he’s just absolutely paralyzed with fear.

Because whatever happened in his childhood growing up, he grew up thinking and feeling that he didn’t measure up. And so, now that he’s in his 30’s he’s carried that limiting belief with him into his 30’s. And the reason why he freezes up with beautiful women is because, quite frankly, he just hasn’t spent enough time around women in general, other human beings in general, and learning to be a social animal, if you will. And so, for him, meeting or talking to a beautiful woman is like a Super Bowl. It’s like a big, huge deal.

And until you have talked to and interacted with enough human beings and talked to enough beautiful women and dated enough beautiful women and slept with enough beautiful women, you eventually realize that it’s just another smelly taco. It’s just another girl. She has her good days, her bad days. They’re not perfect. The perfect woman is not going to make you happy unless you’re already happy yourself. You have to get to a happy place where you love yourself. You love your life. And as Jim Rhodes said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”

Would you really be a good companion in a relationship when you’re this incredibly terrified and fearful of women? How are you going to advance in your career if you’re afraid of other people, or you’re not at the point where you can just converse with anybody in the street or talk people into anything? So what you really need to do is you need to practice making small talk. So there’s a video that I did, it’s referenced in The Book, how to, “Improve Your Social Skills.” “The Process Of Improving Your Social Skills” is another one.

You have to get in the habit of talking to people everywhere you go. Not just attractive women, because you haven’t talked to enough women so when you do interact with women, you haven’t practiced making small talk with strangers enough. And then because you really like the girl and you’re worried about her liking you or approving you, you just freeze up because you haven’t rehearsed it enough. Repetition is the mother of skill. And if you have a hard time talking to other human beings in general, or strangers in general, and striking up conversations with somebody in the elevator, or that you’re walking down the street with, or maybe you’re sitting in a restaurant having lunch or dinner.

You got to be able to converse with other human beings. It’s just such an essential skill that every human being has to have. You’re going to have to get over that. So whatever you’re afraid of, you got to do more of. You got to get off your ass and get out of the house and go meet and talk to other people. Again the Video, “Improving Your Social Skills” is a step by step process. It’s only like 10 or 12 minutes long, and you have to actually do what it says. You have to get in the habit of starting out just saying hello to people.

And then maybe once that gets easy, then you start offering compliments or then you start asking questions. And then, you know, maybe you could have a few canned type of questions. It’s always best when you’re interacting with a woman to use your surroundings and what’s going on around you. Maybe it’s something the girl is wearing, or the venue that you’re at, to ask a question, or to make a comment and bring something up so you guys can discuss it. You know, if you like going to an art gallery or you like you’re into art, or there’s an art fair, like, you know, where I live several times a year, they block off the whole street, there’s tons of art.

It’s really fascinating, interesting stuff. Cool paintings, cool sculptures, weird kind of art. I never thought; I couldn’t even imagine the stuff that people put together. And it’s fascinating. And so, if that’s something you really love, go hang out and talk to artists about their art. You know, there’s often times if you like art, there’s lots of cute girls that also are artists, and it’s fascinating to get them to talk about their art or what the inspiration was behind the bowl, or the picture, or the painting or the sculpture, or whatever the hell it is that they made, because it’s fascinating.

Like, “what is that supposed to be? What’s your inspiration? What caused you to make that? What caused you to choose those colors? What does that represent? What’s the metaphor there?” Get people to talk about things. If you’re at a wine, beer, cheese festival, ask people about the beers you’re drinking or that are being offered. You know, if the girls are serving you drinks, it’s like, “what kind of beer is this? Why this one versus this one?” Get them to talk about it. Get in the habit of asking opinions. Get in the habit of talking to other people around you everywhere. If you’re in the grocery store, talk to people you’re in line with at the grocery store.

If you’re sitting down in a restaurant and you’re hanging out with friends, talk to the people around you. You got to get in the habit of talking to other people. One of my dearest friends, it’s like he loves to have a good time. He’s been happily married for over 30 years at this point and or I should say, almost 30 years. And he’s been with his wife for over 30 years. But it’s like whenever we hang out, no matter where we go, within five minutes, there’s like a dozen people around us hanging out, talking that are now part of our group. We’ll go somewhere we don’t know anybody, just he and I and within a matter of minutes, we’re talking to a bunch of people. He’s just very social. He loves to go out and have a good time.

He’s like, “where are you guys from? What are you up to? Are you all down here on vacation?” Because we live in South Florida. Lots of people are hanging out on vacation or whatever. “Well, what do you guys do for a living?” Just basic stuff. Not because he’s trying to bullshit, because he’s genuinely interested. He wants to know what makes people tick.

“Who am I hanging out with? Who are the people that are here? What are their backgrounds? Where are they from? Where they love to do for fun?” Those kinds of things. He’s the life of the party, and wherever we go, he kind of asks the same things, but everybody loves him. And you have to get to the point where you can be like this, and the only way to do it is to get off your fucking couch and get outside your house and go interact with other human beings. You must do this. Nobody’s coming to save you. You must participate in your own rescue. You have to save yourself.

That’s what self-reliance is all about. So with that said, let’s go through his email because I have some other resources that I’m going to talk to him about that can really help him overcome the fear in his body. Because the other thing is I talk about in Network Chiropractic Care, there’s an Article and Video I did, “How To Become More Confident & Sure Of Your Actions.” One thing that I would do if you really want to get over this. What you got to understand is the fear is locked into your physiology. You’re naturally stuck in flight or fight.

And so, whenever you get around a woman, you feel uncomfortable and your natural instinct is like, “ah, I got to run away. I got to get away. This is uncomfortable. I don’t feel safe.” You don’t feel safe in your body. And so if I were you, I would hop on a plane and go to Orlando for two weeks, spend two weeks there and go see Dr. Dominick D’Anna. Go to his Website. www.BeSimplyWell.com and get worked on.

Go get a hotel close to his office and get worked on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon on those days. He’s also there Saturday mornings one time. Uh, like I think it’s 9 to 10:30, I think is when he’s open on Saturdays. Obviously call his office first. Make sure he’s in town for those full two weeks. Book your flights, book a hotel that’s close by. Do the Body Connection. And then I would do the Consciousness Exercises, which are in this Article and Video on my Website.

There’ll be a link that will take you to the Consciousness Exercise if you haven’t seen them. If you go to the my YouTube Channel and go to the home page, my YouTube Channel and scroll down, you’ll see Consciousness Exercises one through 12. Anytime you’re going to go out, you’re going to do approaches. You’re going to go interact with human beings. Take the time, spend an hour or so, go through all 12 stages. You’ll feel absolutely incredible, like you walk through a wall when you do these and then go out and start doing your approaches.

But I highly recommend you hop on a plane, go see Dr. Dominick D’Anna, get worked on for two weeks. Tell him you’re one of my viewers. You’re one of my clients, and go get him to work you over, because that will instill a peace, a sense of peace in your body that you’ve never experienced. And it’ll get you out of the base of your brain, which is all fight or flight response and get you to the place where you feel peaceful, you feel relaxed.

You no longer feel emotionally overwhelmed talking to strangers because they will clean up your body literally, physically. He calls it body floss if you will. You use dental floss for your teeth, use body floss for your spine to loosen it up so you feel peaceful naturally. Because right now you’re constantly emotionally hijacked.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I am reading and listening to the AudioBook of How To Be A 3% Man. So far so good and I will reread and listen to it again.

It’s like, yeah, you can’t just read it once the I got this, you’re a beginner, you’re a newbie. There are things in The Book like how to improve your social skills. You got to watch that video. You actually have to go out and do it. You got to participate in your own rescue. Just reading The Book is not going to fix you. Doing network care, doing the consciousness exercises and practicing small talk like “How To Improve Your Social Skills” teaches.

You got to go out and do it. There’s no way around it. You want a woman in your life, you got to be able to converse with her and talk to her. And so, you have to get really good at small talk. Maybe you should get a part time job waiting tables or tending bar, or maybe in retail, just so you’re forced to interact with tons of strangers constantly and strike up conversations with them. Maybe some kind of job in sales part time or something like that.

You got to force yourself to be in a position where you’re constantly talking to other human beings, and you get over this fear, because when you do that, when you strike up enough small talk with old people, fat people, ugly people, attractive people, whoever, it doesn’t matter. It’s the same process for the hot girl. And what’s happening is when you’re not practicing your social skills at all and then a hot girl comes along, you’re just because your body is in a state of fear. You’re not comfortable, you haven’t rehearsed it enough. And so, if you rehearse talking with other people enough, then your life will become that way.

I can relate to you coming from a family that never said I love you and I have watched my parents in an unhappy marriage. They are probably together for the finances and not being alone. I do not want this to ever be me.

Yeah, that’s why it’s so important you got to become a social guy like my buddy that was telling you guys about, is that you got to be able to go out and just become the life of the party. Even if you’re by yourself. say you’re traveling and you decide to go down to the hotel bar to have some dinner and maybe a drink or two, and there’s, you know, there’s going to be other business travelers or people that are there. “Oh, hey, where are you from? What brings you here? What are you in town for?” And you strike up a simple conversation with them. You have to get in the habit of doing that.

I am single right now. I have not had much luck dating in a few years. I am in my 30’s and ready to meet someone special and hopefully make it serious.

You got to learn the progression, dude. You got to read The Book 10 to 15 times and you got to practice it. You cannot get better without practice.

The problem when I meet a girl who is so beautiful and takes my breath away, 100% of the time I freeze.

Yeah, because you just haven’t practiced small talk enough. That’s all it is.

I know you talk about taking a deep breath and just saying easy things like hi or I like your dress. Easy stuff to buy some time. But I always hesitate or just don’t do it. 

Again. There’s a video that’s referenced in The Book, and if you’re one of those guys that has a problem with this, “Improving Your Social Skills” you got to watch that video and you got to practice it. You got to force yourself to go out and do it. I know it doesn’t feel good, but if you get worked on by Dominick, or at the very least you can do these consciousness exercises, put it on your TV at home and do it in your living room, and then go out and start talking and practicing to people. Or I say, practicing with people.

I have found out a few times that girls I was really interested in were single and were interested in me, but I never pursued them. Seems to be a repeating pattern for me. I am nervous that I am going to settle on someone that isn’t so great and puts me in that 97% category, instead of meeting someone special, beautiful, smart and cool, that I love and would put me in the 3%. 

Again. You got to read this 10 to 15 times and you got to apply it. There’s just no getting around it. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.

---

Do stages 1-12 before going out and doing cold approaches:

What advice do you give me or any other readers that hesitate and just find these situations too hard?

It’s not that it’s too hard. You just haven’t practiced enough. It’s like never golfing and then going out and trying to golf against Tiger Woods. It’s not going to go well. You’ve got to practice. You’ve got to do the little things. You must practice your small talk. And that is something you can do as soon as you leave your house. Say hello to people. “Hey, how you been?” Get to know your neighbors names. Get to know your coworkers. If you frequent the same places, the same bars, the same restaurants.

Get to know the waiters and the waitresses. And so, when you go there.” Hey, Bob. Hey, Jessica. Hey, Denise. How are you doing? What’s new? How’s the kids? How is your dogs? How is your parents?” Whatever. If you’re by yourself and you go someplace and you know half the people there, well, you’re kind of like the mayor. You’re must be important. You know, everybody and women watching this go, “oh, he must be safe. All these girls know him and they come up and talk to him, giving them a hug, saying hello, seeing what he’s up to. You have to do these things. There’s no getting around it.

Clearly, I am not living as full of a life as possible. I am watching friends get married and having kids while I continue to be single. I would like to change and make a step in the right direction!

Bob

Again if I were you. The very first thing you should do to make yourself feel better and feel a sense of peace and empowerment and power, especially stage four, the “Taking Your Power Back” video. That’s a hard one to do, but man, you feel amazing after it. But do stages one through 12 of the Consciousness Exercises. Put it on your big screen TV, spread the shit out in your living room, put on a rug or something soft. Lay down. Some of them are laying down. Some are sitting up, some are standing up.

Just do what Dominick and Gracie show you in those videos. Do them every day if you have to. Because every time you go through all 12 stages, you’re going to feel amazing. You’re going to feel like you walked through a wall. And then go out and practice your social skills. But you got to do things to where you get out of your comfort zone and you start interacting with human beings. Because once you overcome this, it’ll be easy to get a new job.

If you’re an entrepreneur, it’ll be easy to talk to people and talk them into investing in your business. Or if you got a superstar employee that you want to get on your team, convincing them to leave where they’re at and come to work for you. Every human being, basic social skills. And I also would suggest, “How To Win Friends & Influence People” as well. You’ve got to focus on this because you’re in your 30’s now, and this is something that you’re going to need not only for yourself, but if you want to be a family guy, if you want to be a dad, you’ve got to teach your children to be social animals.

You’ve got to teach your children to go out and be able to talk people into giving them what it is they want in life. Whether it’s doing business, hiring them, giving them a job, being friends with them, going out on dates. You must master this stuff first before you can become a competent parent. Because otherwise you’re going to handicap your children in the same way to where they’re going to be socially awkward and fearful and afraid to go out. And if you master this, this is something your children and future generations will never have to worry about.

So please do the things that I said and your life will change very quickly. You’re just at the first read on my Book. If you read it 10 to 15 times and you continually go back to it, do the Consciousness Exercises anytime you feel fearful, and once you’ve gone through it a few times, maybe you’ll go back to certain stages, like especially like the stage four, “Taking Your Power Back.” That’s one when you really are afraid, you really feel amazing after that. And that’s one that’s a real good one to do. But again, the first few times you do it, do all one through 12, and then sometimes after that, if you’ve got specific stages that you really resonate with, then do those stages.

But you have to go through them. And again, if you can afford it, hop on a plane, go see Dominick for a couple of weeks, tell him I sent you and get worked over. And it will absolutely change your life and you will overcome this and will never be an issue. And the things that you have struggled with, your kids will never, ever even have an inkling that it’s an issue because you’ll get them started early. What my dad and my mom did when I was young, I was in middle school, they had a business. And I think it was sixth or seventh grade, it was 1983 when they bought, I remember.

So I was 13, so that would have been like six seventh grade. And I was forced to do customer service. I remember my dad, you know, laughing at me because like, people would give me cash. I didn’t even know how to make change. And my dad was shocked at that, that I couldn’t count change back when somebody would pay for something and we were giving them their change in cash. It was like I didn’t know how to count it back. And so, he taught me how to do that. He taught me how to interact with customers. And sometimes there are really, absolutely smoking hot women that came in and I was waiting on them, and I was like, what was I, 13, 14 years old.

And they’d go, “oh, you’re so handsome. Oh, your son is so handsome.” You know, that made me feel great. You know, I was a kid. They were just probably being nice, but it made me feel good. But I was forced to interact with other human beings. And even though I was nervous as hell, both my mom and my dad were there at times to step in if I had a problem. But after I did it enough times, it became easy and I didn’t have to think about it. And then when it became time, when I got older, to go out and get a job working for somebody else, I already had swagger. I already had confidence because I had developed my social skills and my personal skills.

Working in my parents business, that when I was 18 and I went out and I got a job, my first job working at a, you know, little restaurant for about three months, it was this place called Cisco’s Chicken. I think it was. They’ve all since gone out of business, but I talked my way into a job there because I had a couple of my high school buddies that were working there, and I worked there for three months, and then I ended up going to service merchandise and getting a job there because they paid a little bit better, and that job was in the customer service department. So I was constantly answering customer service questions.

People were asking me about treadmills or the exercise bikes or the weights that they had. We were selling guns, rifles, shotguns back then. It was interesting. I remember there was a yellow form for the background check. We had to fill it all out. I think we had to call on a phone number and then we would get the approval and then we could just give the person a gun. I mean, obviously it’s changed significantly back then because this is, you know, going back over 30 years ago. But every day I was dealing with customers given change. Talking to them.

People coming to me asking for advice, asking for help or whatever, asking them to go over a product. And then later I ended up tending bar. And you know, you’re dealing with drunk customers, you’re dealing with nice customers, you’re dealing with nasty, ugly people. You’re dealing with nice, smoking hot women. And it’s like you get to talk to anyone and everyone. And so it helps you overcome your fear of talking to other human beings and making small talk and just becoming a good listener.

You know, as they say, you’ve got, you know, one mouth and two sets of ears, and that means you should listen twice as much as you should talk.‘Just do what Dominick and Gracie show you in those videos. Do them every day if you have to. Because every time you go through all 12 stages, you’re going to feel amazing. You’re going to feel like you walked through a wall. And then go out and practice your social skills. But you got to do things to where you get out of your comfort zone and you start interacting with human beings.

Because once you overcome this, it’ll be easy to get a new job. If you’re an entrepreneur, it’ll be easy to talk to people and talk them into investing in your business. Or if you got a superstar employee that you want to get on your team, convincing them to leave where they’re at and come to work for you. Every human being, basic social skills. And I also would suggest, “How To Win Friends & Influence People” as well. You’ve got to focus on this because you’re in your 30’s now, and this is something that you’re going to need not only for yourself, but if you want to be a family guy, if you want to be a dad, you’ve got to teach your children to be social animals.

You’ve got to teach your children to go out and be able to talk people into giving them what it is they want in life. Whether it’s doing business, hiring them, giving them a job, being friends with them, going out on dates. You must master this stuff first before you can become a competent parent. Because otherwise you’re going to handicap your children in the same way to where they’re going to be socially awkward and fearful and afraid to go out. And if you master this, this is something your children and future generations will never have to worry about. So please do the things that I said and your life will change very quickly. You’re just at the first read on my Book.

If you read it 10 to 15 times and you continually go back to it, do the Consciousness Exercises anytime you feel fearful, and once you’ve gone through it a few times, maybe you’ll go back to certain stages, like especially like the stage four, “Taking Your Power Back.” That’s one when you really are afraid, you really feel amazing after that. And that’s one that’s a real good one to do. But again, the first few times you do it, do all one through 12, and then sometimes after that, if you’ve got specific stages that you really resonate with, then do those stages. But you have to go through them. And again, if you can afford it, hop on a plane, go see Dominick for a couple of weeks, tell him I sent you and get worked over.

And it will absolutely change your life and you will overcome this and will never be an issue. And the things that you have struggled with, your kids will never, ever even have an inkling that it’s an issue because you’ll get them started early. What my dad and my mom did when I was young, I was in middle school, they had a business. And I think it was sixth or seventh grade, it was 1983 when they bought, I remember. So I was 13, so that would have been like six seventh grade. And I was forced to do customer service. I remember my dad, you know, laughing at me because like, people would give me cash. I didn’t even know how to make change.

And my dad was shocked at that, that I couldn’t count change back when somebody would pay for something and we were giving them their change in cash. It was like I didn’t know how to count it back. And so, he taught me how to do that. He taught me how to interact with customers. And sometimes there are really, absolutely smoking hot women that came in and I was waiting on them, and I was like, what was I, 13, 14 years old? And they’d go, “oh, you’re so handsome. Oh, your son is so handsome.” You know, that made me feel great. You know, I was a kid. They were just probably being nice, but it made me feel good. But I was forced to interact with other human beings.

And even though I was nervous as hell, both my mom and my dad were there at times to step in if I had a problem. But after I did it enough times, it became easy and I didn’t have to think about it. And then when it became time, when I got older, to go out and get a job working for somebody else, I already had swagger. I already had confidence because I had developed my social skills and my personal skills. Working in my parents business, that when I was 18 and I went out and I got a job, my first job working at a, you know, little restaurant for about three months, it was this place called Cisco’s Chicken. I think it was.

They’ve all since gone out of business, but I talked my way into a job there because I had a couple of my high school buddies that were working there, and I worked there for three months, and then I ended up going to service merchandise and getting a job there because they paid a little bit better, and that job was in the customer service department. So I was constantly answering customer service questions. People were asking me about treadmills or the exercise bikes or the weights that they had. We were selling guns, rifles, shotguns back then. It was interesting.

I remember there was a yellow form for the background check. We had to fill it all out. I think we had to call on a phone number and then we would get the approval and then we could just give the person a gun. I mean, obviously it’s changed significantly back then because this is, you know, going back over 30 years ago. But every day I was dealing with customers given change. Talking to them. People coming to me asking for advice, asking for help or whatever, asking them to go over a product. And then later I ended up tending bar.

And you know, you’re dealing with drunk customers, you’re dealing with nice customers, you’re dealing with nasty, ugly people. You’re dealing with nice, smoking hot women. And it’s like you get to talk to anyone and everyone. And so it helps you overcome your fear of talking to other human beings and making small talk and just becoming a good listener. You know, as they say, you’ve got, you know, one mouth and two sets of ears, and that means you should listen twice as much as you should talk.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.