How To Recover Attraction After You Smothered Her & She Wants Space

How to recover attraction after smothering her & she wants space.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who lost his center after his girlfriend of a year was distant. Then he got drunk and blew up her phone acting like a needy little boy. She was so turned off she was ready to end things. Then he asked her to take a few days to think about it and he’s going nuts worrying that he ruined it for good. He asks how to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Recover Attraction After You Smothered Her & She Wants Space”.

So this particular email is from a viewer who’s been with his girlfriend for about a year, and he got a little needy, lost his center, and then of course, on top of that, he drank too much one night. Blew up his girlfriend’s phone because she didn’t answer right away, was acting needy and neurotic, like just a little boy, basically like a little seven year old throwing a temper tantrum that needed attention and validation from mommy.

And obviously she was disgusted and repulsed by his behavior and was basically ready to call off the whole relationship. So he asked her to take a few days, basically to think about it. So she’s doing that, and now he’s like, what do I do? So remember, it’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

When you over communicate your interests and you behave like this guy did you’re basically acting like an emotionally irrational woman, or like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum that didn’t get enough strokes from mommy and daddy as a kid. It’s incredibly repulsive to women, and you just can’t come unglued like that because obviously it’s very unattractive and it causes women to lose respect for you.

And if a woman doesn’t respect you, she’ll never love you. So but now he’s in a situation, he’s like, what the hell do I do now? So it’s important to understand is when a woman’s asked for space or they’re unsure, it’s because their feelings have dropped. And as I talk about in 3% Man, women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and for their feelings to grow.

This happens when you’re not around. And so there are times where you have to not be around and be focused on your own life, your mission, your purpose. This guy’s a dad. He’s got a little daughter. So he should have been focusing on those things instead of seeking attention and validation and attaboys from his girlfriend. And so when a woman asks for space, what she’s doing is basically seeing what happens to her feelings when you guys don’t talk or you don’t see each other for a few days or a week or so, however long it happens to be.

And so you have to understand that when they ask for space, you give them it. You can’t continue to call. You can’t continue to check up on them, because all that does is show that you’re displaying the same kind of behavior that caused them to want space in the first place. In other words, they want to see that you’re not going to freak out and come unglued when you’ve agreed to give them space, you just let them be.

And then whenever they do reach out a few days or a week or so later, whenever it happens to be you, assume they’ve had enough space, their feelings of bubble back up for the positive and therefore you just make the next date happen. You don’t need to dwell on the past or talk about your disgusting, unattractive behavior. You just focus on creating the next opportunity for sex to happen, hang out, have fun, hook up.

Like in this guy’s case, when she it brings up, just say, “yeah, I don’t know what happened. I drank too much and it’s like, I don’t even remember the conversation. But obviously from what you tell me, it was, it was pretty disgusting, repulsive. So I’m not responsible for any of my actions when I was inebriated. It happens. So how about them Yankees?” And then he changed the subject, and you go on to something else. Because it’s a big deal to you.

If you’re freaked out about it, you’re gonna freak her out about it. If you’re kind of laughing at yourself, it’s like, “Yeah, I had too much drink. I don’t even remember what the hell I said, maybe you should record it. We probably could be laughing our asses off about it right now.” That should be the attitude. Like, you’re not bothered. You’re not freaked out about it. You’re amused. It’s kind of a funny event. And you’d say, “Well, I’ve got a mulligan on that one, babe.”

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been in a relationship for a year now, and it has been really strong and consistent. I have spent many holidays with her and her family and even progressed to “I love you” about 5 months ago. There was trust and good communication. Texts were daily, but we are both busy, so 5 to 20 a day.

Well, the phone is for setting dates. Obviously when you’re in a longer term relationship, your girl is going to call you, she’s going to FaceTime you, she’s going to send you memes, she’s going to want to text. And if you’re a busy professional, you want to keep it to a minimum. But you don’t want to be a cold fish either.

So the idea is that if she’s reaching out, you’re like, “Hey, you coming over? What time are you going to be here?” Again, when you’re in a serious relationship, she should be at your place every night or you at hers. That’s typically what happens. If you only see each other one day a week. It’s really just kind of like a weekend booty call.

From YouTube reflection, that tells me that was too much, but I didn’t over pursue much.

Well, you obviously over pursued more than you thought because you’re writing me this email because things have become less than suboptimal.

She would consistently call me about every 2–3 days, and I enjoyed it. I would call once a week.

Well, remember, as the book says, no more than 20 to 30% of the contact initiation should come from your side. If you do more than that, it’s too much. If it’s 50/50, you’re going to elicit platonic feelings in her towards you, and she’s going to be unsure and want space because again, they need time and space away from you to wonder about you and think about you and miss you if you don’t give that to them, you’re going to drive their interest and their attraction and their respect into the ground, and you’re going to get dumped. It’s as inevitable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

She does live about 5 hours away, and she and my 7-year-old have formed a good bond. I was unneedy and just enjoyed when we did talk. 

So in this case he’s a little bit long distance. If it’s five hours away, I would imagine probably in the weekends is when they’re going to get together. And so obviously FaceTime dates at night or whatever. It’s not really going to be an official date. It’s just she’s going to call when she’s available. You’re going to probably chat for an hour or 45 minutes, whatever it happens to be.

Once you’re in a serious relationship, you don’t do that when you’re just kind of casually dating and hooking up because you’ll get friend zoned. But once you’re in a relationship and I love yous have been exchanged and you’re both committed, then you can loosen up a little bit on that.

We booked a 4^th of July vacation together in January. About 5 weeks ago, she got sent to Utah for work. I immediately felt betrayed because she said she couldn’t come back for a planned weekend, but some of the others were.

So I assume he’s saying maybe her coworkers were coming back. And so he’s probably thinking, “well, if her coworkers can come back for our plan weekend, why can’t she?” Well, the reason why she can’t is she has low interest, that’s why. So she didn’t have a burning desire to see you. And you’ve got to pay attention to that. And part of this guy’s problem is he’s only focused on his own feelings and interests and ignoring her, and he’s downplaying his over pursuit, like, oh, it’s not that big a deal, but it is.

So he’s clearly worried and he’s clearly fearful that he’s way more into her than she is into him. And women, when they get a sense of that or they sniff that they’re going to pull back. So you can’t freak out about these things. You’ve just got to look at it and go, “wow, I guess she’s not as into me as I thought. I better chill the fuck out, be less available, go see my mother, hang out with friends, family, get back in the gym.” Spend time in this case with his daughter. But, you know, he’s feeling betrayed. What he should look at is just her interest is not as high as he thought it was. So this is going to kind of be normal.

She was going to ATV at Moab on her weekend there.

I don’t know what that is. Is he talking about riding ATVs? I don’t know.

I started over pursuing and acting needy, which I never have.

Well, so in other words, he was already starting to do that. That’s probably why she didn’t want to come back for the weekend, because to her, she probably wanted a space in the time to see, just to be on her own, to see if she missed him. And instead he starts acting like an insecure, needy little boy that needs a pat on the head and says, you’re a good boy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you. You’re a good boy. You dried my pussy up. Thank you.

I know it and tried to control it, but it still happened—asking for calls, etc.

It’s like, yeah, it’s approval seeking behavior. That’s not manly behavior at all. You cannot fucking do that with a woman. Begging her to see you and spend time with you. You’ve got to recognize and bottom line her actions, not try to talk her or use logic and reason into liking you more. You just got to let her be. You’ve got to match and mirror her level of effort and interest.

And when you notice that it’s not important for her to come back for a weekend that you guys had planned, then you stop moving forward. You don’t call, you don’t text for any reason. If she calls, you let it go to voicemail, be busy, be a little unavailable. And when she says, “where were you?” It’s like, “oh, I was busy. I was doing this. I was doing that. Sorry.”

In other words, you match and mirror her level of seriousness, and in this case, she’s blowing off a weekend that she should have come back for and going, “oh well, I’m in Utah.” But again, I assume the way he phrased it, it meant her coworkers came back, but she didn’t. So that just shows that women vote with their feet, man, if she’s with you, she voted for you. And if she would rather stay there, it means she’s not that excited about seeing you.

And you can’t get butthurt and cry to her about it and complain and say, oh, please call me mommy. I need an attaboy. Because women love confidence above everything else. Even looks. So if you’re acting unconfident, which she’s doing in spades, it’s like you’re going to dry her up and push her away even more.

She was still committed.

So that tells me he’s worried about where he stands with her. And he was probably asking her.

Occasionally talking sweet and about stuff and time together, but I know now I was just fueling this buildup.

Yeah, you were acting like an insecure girl at this point. Very unmasculine behavior.

So last week, I was off on Friday, and she was finally coming back for the weekend. I said, “Hey, I am off this Friday, thinking about driving down.” She said, “That would be amazing, I’m excited.” We hung out all weekend, hooking up, and she was loving on me a lot. It felt like a large reset.

Don’t look at it as a reset or flipping a light switch. It’s just a woman’s interest is like this based on your behavior. And so you were doing this and then now it started to go like this. It’s just the ebb and flow of the way things are. It’s just one weekend. Stay in the present moment. Don’t get in the future. Don’t be dwelling on the past. Just look at how she’s showing up today.

We had planned during the week for her to come here may 6 for the week and then I was going to her family vacation June 8-11^th. Five days later, she’s going to an Airbnb not far from her hotel with the team to play golf the next day. It was going well, then I started drinking.

Yeah, I’ve said this many times over the years. If you’ve got a tendency to over drink, don’t do that. Don’t drink hard liquor. Don’t be drinking IPAs. Don’t be doing shots. Drink yourself a nice watered down light beer like a Miller Lite if you’re going to go to the beach. Keystone light watered down beer. It’s not going to get you too fucked up. And after every two cocktails or two drinks or beers, I should say, have yourself a nice 12, 14 ounce glass of water just to help you stay sober.

But he’s spiraling emotionally and freaking out, so he drinks, and that just magnifies how he’s feeling. And he loses all inhibitions and vomits all over her, basically, emotionally and mentally, not physically. Because she wasn’t there with him.

She had not responded, and I started blowing her up and acting immature and unattractive.

Well, I would say you were already doing that before this happened that’s why she didn’t come back for that weekend. And so now you’re drinking and you just made it even worse.

She never responded until Sunday when she said that she does not see this relationship going forward, she’s under a lot of stress, and needs steady.

Not an emotionally irrational little girl that can’t keep his shit together. She didn’t say that part, but I said that. I added that in there. I apologize and said at least give me a call mommy to talk and end this on Monday. He didn’t say that. He just said.

I apologized and said at least give me a call to talk/end this Monday.

He might as well have said that. So his whole mindset is approval seeking. He’s treating her like his mommy and his therapist, his emotional support human. And she’s just disgusted and repulsed. She wants a confident guy, not this disgusting shell of a man that she’s seeing now.

She agreed, and I said, “Okay, I am sorry, I love you.” She said, “I love you too.” She did call. I said, “Look, I have not shown up how I should have. I hear all of your concerns, and that was not me.”

Again, I would have kind of minimized it and be like, yeah, I just drank too much. I don’t even remember what I said. What did I say, by the way? Oh, you were like, oh, really? I was like, that’s attractive. It’s like, see, I’m hot like that, babe.

She agreed it was out of character, and I said I have been smothering you.

And then I don’t know if he says this or she says this.

“Can you just take a step back and see if we can slow this down? I don’t need an answer right now.” She was struggling and said, “Can I have a few days?” I said, “Of course, no pressure.” She asked to talk to my kid, and I let her. At the end, she said, “I love you guys.”

So in other words, he’s saying, oh mommy, please, please. It just shows the whole mindset mentality. It’s like, you know, don’t dump me. Don’t leave me. Stella. Don’t leave me. Stella. If you ever saw that movie with, what is his name? He was in The Godfather, Marlon Brando. Stella, don’t marry. Don’t do that. Or the movie with John Cusack. Say anything. Where he’s showing up with the boom box like, come on, that’s cute in a movie but in real life you’re going to get the police called on you and get a restraining order.

It’s been two days.

I haven’t initiated too much.

You shouldn’t be initiating at all, dude. The woman needs space and you’re still contacting her. You’ve got to fucking stop, dude. You’ve got to control yourself. You’re just literally chasing her out of your life, and you’re giving her every reason to move on and blow you off. The power is completely backwards now at this point.

I haven’t initiated too much and from just a day in your videos I’m thinking I already messed it up with the over initiating and asking her to slow down and rethink this.

Yeah, it’s like, dude, just let her be. When you smothered a woman and she’s asking for space, she means you leave her the fuck alone. It means you don’t ever call, you don’t ever text until she reaches out to you. But the fact that you’re continuing to text, you told her, take some time, and yet you’re continuing to barrage her. You’re continuing to do exactly the same thing that caused her to want to end the relationship. So all you’re doing is further cementing in her mind that she’s making the right decision by ending it.

My only benefit is I haven’t reached back out in two days. I’ve been preparing myself this is over and know it mean to work on myself, but how do I respond without being looked at as soft, short but thank you for the time I appreciated it. 

It helps if you guys proofread your emails when you send them. So at the end of the day, like I was saying in the beginning, it’s just like, just let her be. Stop calling, stop texting. That means if you don’t hear from her, you’ll never speak again as long as you live that’s what that means. So you’re in no contact. That’s a permanent state because she’s wanted space. And so you’ve got to be strong enough to give her the space, the fact that you kept texting and you kept reaching out and you kept checking in on her, you’re just making it worse.

It shows you have no self control. If you have no self control, it means you have no confidence. If you have no confidence, you’re not going to be desired. She’s just going to beta male friend zone you. She’s going to set you aside and then she’s going to ride off into the sunset with Chad Thunder Cock or some other dude. You just can’t behave this way. You have to stop yourself. You’ve got to let go of your need for validation.

Your girlfriend is not there to be your emotional support human and your mommy and your therapist. If you do that, you’re going to become single really quick and you’re on the verge of that right now. And so when she reaches out, just be like, “hey, babe, how are you? What’s new? How are things going?” I was like, “we should get together and make dinner. The munchkin wants to see you.” And invite her over to make dinner, hang out and have fun. And then after you put your little kid to bed, then you can hook up.

So just again, as the book says, focus on creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. Let her have all the space she needs. It might be a week or two before she reaches out, but that’s part of why she’s going to wait that long is to see if you can handle it, to see if you can hold out, and you’re going to have to do that. If you don’t control yourself, you’re going to lose her, plain and simple. And you’re already basically pushed her out the door.

So if you don’t control yourself, you’re going to push her out all the way and she’s going to drive away saying, “yep, I made the right decision by dumping that dude.” So again, give her all the space when she reaches back out. Assume she misses you. Probably wants to see you. So just say, “hey, you.” act like normal. Like nothing ever happened. “How’ve you been? How’s things out?” And wherever you’re at, “what’s new? When are you going to gonna be back in town? Well, we should get together, make some dinner and catch up. I’d love to hear about your trip.”

As if it never happened. As if the space and all the other bullshit never happened. Because if you keep harping on it, it’s like “we need to have a talk.” It’s like there’s nothing fun about that. Love is playful and fun. And if she brings it up, just say, “yeah, I was really fucking drunk. I don’t know what came out of my mouth. And I get a mulligan for that one because that was the alcohol talking, not me. So that’s all.”

I mean, you’re in a simple situation here at this point. Can you hold out or not? Can you let her be or not? And if you can’t, well, you’re going to ruin it for good. So at this point, I would let her do 100% of the reaching out going forward unless she complains about it down the road, because you’ve been pursuing way too much and you’ve been refusing to control yourself, and you’re going to chase her out of your life.

If you respond to this, how can I watch the video? I am also going to start reading your book. 

I am 34, she is 32. She is also feeling homesick from this trip and said it’s made her realize she could not leave her home.

I missed that sentence earlier. So at the end of the day, if you just let her be, you’ll probably be okay. But going forward, over the next couple of months, I would let her do 100% of the reaching out. And then you just make dates. Or if she’s away, you can talk for a while, but be the one to end the call. Just say, “hey you. I got a bunch of stuff to do. You know, I’m going to run. I’ll talk to you later.”

It’s like the old adage in show business, you always leave them wanting more. You’ve just over communicated your interest, over communicated how much you care about her, and you’ve been treating her like your mommy and constantly looking for attaboys from her. It’s like it’s not attractive, so let her be. When she has enough space, she’ll come back to you and then just make the next date happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

And if she brings up what happened, just say, “yeah, I was drinking too much. I don’t know what happened. No, it wasn’t me. But how about them Yankees?” And change the subject. Talk about something else. Love is playful and fun. Remember that. Show her a good time and keep her properly fucked and she’ll be very happy.

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