How To Rekindle The Romance When You’re Separated & Living In The Same House

How to rekindle the romance when you’re separated & living in the same house.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work after his wife wanted a trial separation after 8 years and 1 child together. They are living in separate bedrooms at their family home. They still hangout, have fun and hookup occasionally, but he feels like he’s stuck in limbo. He’s thinking about giving her an ultimatum to make her decision if she wants to stay or go, but then he wonders if he’s being too impatient with her. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “How To Rekindle The Romance When You’re Separated & Living In The Same House.”

Well, this particular email, this guy says they’ve been together for eight years. They’ve been married for almost three. They have a six year old daughter together, and his wife has an 11 year old. Which is his stepdaughter from a previous relationship. He’s 37 and she’s 32. And he says about four months ago, his wife asked for a trial separation and she asked him to move out or else she was going to basically empty their savings account and go get her own apartment.

So he naively moves out, moves in with his parents or family. Then after a few weeks, he’s like, “Wait a minute, this is ridiculous.” And so, he moves back into the house, which pissed her off. And so, now they’re sleeping in separate bedrooms and he says they are hanging out, having fun and hooking up occasionally. But he’s like, “Now I’m kind of like stuck in limbo. And things aren’t really going anywhere.” And he’s thinking, “Do I need to give her an ultimatum that she needs to decide to be 100% in. Or to get the hell out?”

And then he goes, “Well, maybe I’m just being impatient with her.” So the thing to keep in mind about when you’re trying, because this is such a common thing; is that when you’re trying to rekindle a romance when you’re living with somebody, is it takes two to tango. Both people have to want to make the effort to rekindle things. And what typically happens in these situations is the guy stops dating and courting his wife. So the love story ends.

And oftentimes she doesn’t feel heard and understood, so the legs close. I just did a reaction video that’s done real well on YouTube and the other social media with Caroline, and it was a woman, real attractive woman who was she’s blonde. I think she’s a therapist or couples therapist or something like that. And she was talking about how the reason why women don’t want to sleep with their men is they don’t feel safe, they don’t feel heard and understood.

And it’s like, I mean, it was a great video to hear a woman articulate the things that I hear constantly in my phone sessions and I see in the emails. And of course, she gets roasted by all the Red Pill incel guys, because none of those dudes understand women. And they’re getting all upset about it. But this is a fact of life. If you want your wife to constantly be horny, to want sex more than you do. Yeah, the love story can’t end. You always got to date and court her and have fun together.

And most importantly, you got to make her feel heard and understood. Because if she doesn’t feel heard and understood, she’s not going to feel safe with you leading her. Because she doesn’t feel like you care. There’s a lack of emotional, mental, spiritual, and obviously physical intimacy in this case. So with that said, we’re going to go through his email here. But for those of you guys that don’t know, we just recently launched our Members Only Content on YouTube, Spotify and my website, Understanding Relationships.Com so we’re posting several additional paid Members Only Video Newsletters per week.

In addition to the free content. There will be links right underneath this video in the description that you can click to sign up if you’re so inclined. And we appreciate your support. So we also have a 3% Man Study Group that I’m doing with Caroline and Chunky and the rest of the girls where we go through because they’ve all read The Book. And so, we’re going through and picking The Book apart. We’re also going to be starting one pretty soon on Mastering Yourself.

And then we also have Members Only Content. Plus we have the full podcast where we do Viewer Questions with the girls because you guys have been asking like, “Where can we watch the full days where the filming instead of just the individual questions that you released?” And so, we have those also for Members Content. So again, and if you’re watching this on YouTube, there is a link right underneath the video.

You can subscribe on YouTube. There’s a link that’ll take you to Spotify to subscribe there. And there’s a link that’ll take you to the plans page on my website if you’d like to subscribe to the Members Only Content on my website. Because on the website you also get the email analysis that obviously you’re not going to get with just the videos. So with that in mind, let’s go through our email here from our emailer.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I recently stumbled upon your work after my relationship with my wife went sideways. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for almost 3. We have a 6 year old daughter together and an 11 year old stepdaughter she had from a previous relationship. I am 37 and she is 32.

About four months ago my wife asked for a trial separation. She told me that I had to move out or else she was using the family savings to get her own apartment.

Well, one thing I want to say about that is that, you know, especially when separations are happening or divorces are happening, if you just have all of your money in one joint account, it’s pretty common for the women to clean you out. And like, I’m pretty sure she only kind of works part time and he’s the main breadwinner. So the majority of that money that’s in the bank account is money that he earned. And so, she’s basically saying, “I’m going to clean you out and take all your money and get my own apartment.”

Which is another reason why in my opinion, the right way to handle it is that she should have a bank account and a debit card for her own spending money. You should do the same. And then there should be one account that you pay all the bills out of. And if you’re the primary breadwinner and you pay all the bills, you should be the guy that’s in charge of that. I’ve just seen so many dudes over the years just naively think everything’s great in their marriage. I remember when I was in Real Estate, there was a dude.

He was real arrogant. “Oh, my wife and I, we’re Christian. We’re this that. We’ve got the Dodge minivan. We’re so awesome. And we were college sweethearts, and we’re this and we’re that and we’re great. We’re just a perfect family, you know. Oh, we’re saved. We’re, you know, we’re we’re Christians and we’re going to heaven. And you guys aren’t.” You know, that kind of shit. He was a successful realtor. He and his wife owned a bunch of rental properties. And he had long since moved on.

And I remember his wife came in and met with one of the other guys in my office and was hitting on him, and he was like, “Well, that’s weird.” And then come to find out, she had left this particular guy. And then months later we heard from him. It was like she, like, cleaned everything out of their business bank account, opened up a new business account, took all their money. And had signed over a bunch of their properties to her personally. Just like, wiped this dude out, and it just crushed him. Last I heard, the guy is working in the men’s section at like Macy’s. And you know, for an hourly wage.

It’s like he never recovered from that. He could have gone back into Real Estate or whatever. But after the last crash, he never went back into it. But it was like, Man. They had hundreds of thousands. I mean, she literally cleaned him out, just nuked him financially. And she put the money in her own bank accounts and only she had access to.

Because you know, he was “Mr. Oh, we’re great. And our marriage is great, and you all suck. And we got Dodge minivan. And our kids are amazing, and they go to private school and eh. We’re Christian and we’re saved and we’re going to heaven.” And, Pew. Didn’t save him. She absolutely crushed this dude. So you just got to be kind of smart. Whether you’re in business or you’re in a relationship, you should always look at your bank accounts and your bank statements. And you should always get paper ones.

By the way, you shouldn’t just have everything digital because the bank can just go, “Bloop.” And plus, most banks only let you see back going back like a year or two, or like 12 months. So if you want to go back further, they’re like, “Oh, you’ve got to pay extra to get access to that.” So it would be better just to pay and have paper statements. So at least you can look through your bank statement in case you see something on there that shouldn’t be there.

We had just bought 26 acres and were saving to build a new home. Not being familiar with your work at the time and not wanting to burn the savings, I agreed to move in with my parents for a period of time as I am the only one with family in the area.

Yeah, as soon as she says I’m going to drain the family bank account, I would have taken the majority of the money and put it in a different bank account that I had control over. Especially if it was me and mostly my money, which for most guys it’s typically they’re the breadwinners. Always know your downside risk.

And if your wife is threatening to clean out your bank account so she can “YOLO”, fucking take that money out, that’s just, take it out. And if she complains just say, “You were saying you were going to spend it all.” It’s like, “I don’t think so. I worked hard for this.”

This lasted two weeks as I came to realize I made a mistake and should have never left my home. I ended up moving back into the home which pissed her off pretty bad.

It’s your home and you have every right to live there. I mean, you can talk to a divorce attorney in your state and your city, or your country for that matter, to make sure you’re complying with whatever the laws are. But typically I know at least in Florida, if you own a property jointly you both have every right to live there.

But she ultimately decided to move into the spare bedroom instead of moving out completely.

That’s the way it should have been. Because she’s got to be the one to leave. That way the whole family is like, “Mom, why are you sleeping in the guest room?” And then she has to explain to the kids what’s going on. “Oh, well, I’m thinking about breaking the family up and, you know, having a divorce.” Then that way she gets all the emotional pain from that. And you say, “I’m not going to divorce you, but I’m not going to fight it either.

If you’re going to serve me with divorce papers, I’ll sign them. But I’m not interested in ending our marriage and breaking our family up. And if you want to break our family up, you’re going to be the one everybody in the family is going to know. It was you that wrecked the family and broke us up and caused a divorce. And you can explain that to our children. I’m not going to explain it. You can explain it.”

The issue I’m having is that this separation has been dragging on for over four months at this point. We agreed not to date other people as we both want to reconcile the marriage.

Well, what is she doing? She wants to reconcile the marriage. She has to make an effort to reconcile the marriage. Not live like she’s a single chick.

However, she stopped wearing her wedding ring and is giving me mixed signals. For example, we will hang out and kiss and fool around a little, but barely any sex. We’ve only had sex twice in the last four months. She keeps saying “I’m not there yet.” I almost feel like she uses sex as a tool to manipulate me because she is very attractive.

Bro, if you’re serious about saving your marriage, you got to read 3% Man. You’ve got to understand what you’re doing and saying that’s turning your wife off because you don’t have a clue. And I promise you, if you don’t take the time, you don’t take this shit seriously, you will get divorced. Your wife will leave you permanently.

And often times it’s usually not in a very pleasant way. Especially if she’s taking her wedding ring off, what does that tell me? She’s advertising to people outside the home that she’s not married. She wants to give the impression that she’s single so men will hit on her.

Additionally, I suggested going to marriage counseling and she wasn’t very enthusiastic about the idea but not 100% against it.

So that just tells me she really is not interested in trying to reconcile based upon her actions.

I make good money and have always taken care of her and the family. She is a part time nurse and I’m in sales. I pay for 95% of the expenses in the household and she gets a generous allowance every month to spend on what she pleases. I recently bought her a brand new Chevy Tahoe and she got a boob job last summer. 

Yeah Bro. You need to take full 100% control of your finances. Just go to the bank, open up a new bank account that she’s not on, and take all the money out of that other account that’s a joint account, and put it in yours. And if she complains just say, “Hey, I earned most of the money. It’s my cash. When you threaten to empty my bank account, our bank account, and take it and run off with it to go start your new life.”

It’s like, “That’s not going to work. I don’t trust you. I’ll continue to put in your allowance. You know, I need to see that you’re making an effort because you said you wanted to reconcile. So you’re going to make an effort to make this work, and taking your ring off, that tells me you’re advertising to men outside the home that you’re single and you want to be hit on. That’s not okay. If you say you want to reconcile and you’re still my wife, you should not be leaving the house without your wedding band on. That’s insulting to me, and it’s insulting to our children. So you need to fix that. You need to put your wedding ring back on. We still live together. We’re still in the same house. We’re still a family. I still love you. I still want to work it out. But you need to be in or out. I don’t like the idea of you leaving here and trying to communicate to everybody that you’re single.”

I’m in a fog as to what to do. I don’t know whether I’m just being impatient, or if I’m letting her string me along because she has it pretty good being with me. I don’t want to continue the relationship as it is now. However, with me not being able to go out and date other women I feel stuck.

Well, you got to sit down with her and you say, “I want to see real effort. I want to see you making the effort to turn our marriage around.” And you should make plans to go away for the week. And go to a bed and breakfast, something. You know, get a babysitter for the kids, and do something where the two of you can go hang out, have fun and hook up together. One of the first things that you should do when you come home is like, “Hey babe, how was your day?” Get her to talk. You’ve got to get her to talk and open up.

Because she doesn’t want to have sex with you, and that tells me she doesn’t feel heard and understood. And if you haven’t been dating and courting her properly and romancing her. Yeah it’s like, you always have to date and court your wife or your girlfriend. If you don’t, eventually some other guy will. And the fact that she’s not wearing her wedding ring anymore tells me that she’s trying to communicate to the world, “Hey, I’m single. Hit on me. Try to get my pussy. Try to grab me by the pussy.”

I am thinking about giving her a deadline on when she needs to decide if she wants to be with me.

I wouldn’t give her a deadline. I’d just say, “We live together, we’re still married, we have children. And you leaving the house without your wedding band on tells me that you’re trying to communicate to the world that you’re single, and you want the attention, and you’re inviting attention from other men. Those are not the actions of a woman who’s trying to reconcile. But that’s what you told me. You want to reconcile.” Like so, “Show me through your actions that you want to keep our family together.”

I don’t want to continue getting strung along without the ability to go out and date other women. But maybe I’m just not being patient enough and letting her come to me at her own pace.

Would appreciate any advice you can offer.

Bob

So love is playful and fun. If things are good and you had a happy marriage, what would you be doing? You’d be coming home, “Hey babe, how was your day?” And you get, “Oh, what else? Tell me more. Don’t leave anything out.” And just you’d be talking to her and getting her to open up and tell her what’s going on, tell you what’s going on in her life, and you’d be looking for the signs that are in The Book of when she’s feeling attraction. And then you can know when it’s time to approach her physically, to start kissing, to start touching, to start trying to seduce her.

Because there’s a formula hang out. In other words, create a date, create an opportunity for sex to happen, that’s what a date is. And then, have fun while you’re hanging out. And then when you’re having fun while you’re hanging out, and the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and ready to be kissed, you slowly seduce her and follow the two steps forward, one step back process that is laid out in My Book. The reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex and she’s sleeping in a separate bedroom as she doesn’t feel any intimacy.

She doesn’t feel closeness. Obviously, the courtship seemed to have stopped some time ago, and she doesn’t feel heard and understood. And you’re going to have to rectify these things. And if you don’t, eventually she is going to leave. But I would say something to just sit down with her.

It’s like, “Hey, we need to make the effort for our children and for our family. And besides, you committed. And you know, I’ve noticed that you stopped wearing your wedding band. And so, we agreed not to date anybody else. And that tells me you’re trying to signal to the outside world that you’re single and it’s okay for men to hit on you, and that’s not okay. If you’re serious about keeping our family together, you need to put your wedding ring on. And if not, then you need to pack your shit and go. You need to tell the children why you’re breaking up the family and pack your shit and go. I will be here. I want to make a marriage work, but I’m not going to live with my wife sleeping in a separate bedroom while she goes out and communicates to the world that she’s single and tries to look for another guy, while I’m sitting here and our children are sitting here wondering, what the fuck is mom doing? Is she having a midlife crisis here? What the hell is going on? You need to be devoted to our children and our family first.”

But like I said before you do any of this stuff, I would handle your bank account situation. She cannot have access to all your money. That is just fucking stupid. Especially a woman who’s already threatened to empty it. That’s just not good, dude. That’s too much downside risk. So you can matter of factly say, “Hey, I opened up a new bank account because I was alarmed at what you told me about how you’re basically going to take all the money that we’ve been saving for a house and basically go YOLO and go live your own life.”

And it’s like, “That’s not going to work. I earned all this money. You did not. I earned the majority of it. You work part time. I worked this hard to provide for our family, and I give you an allowance, and there’s no way in hell you’re going to take all of the money that I’ve mostly earned and just run off with it. So I’ve got it in my own bank account that only I have access to. I’ll continue to put your allowance in your account as I’ve always done. But you know, I don’t appreciate you threatening to empty our bank account like that when we agreed it was going to be set aside for the family home.”

And so again, she’s got to make the effort. And if she doesn’t want to make the effort, if she doesn’t want to wear her wedding band, then she can pack her shit and go. “Oh, I’m going to get an apartment.”

I was like, “That’s your problem. You can go borrow money for friends or whatever, but I’m not going to give you all the money that was supposed to go towards a family home, because I’m going to build the family home. And I’m going to build it for our children. And if you don’t want to be here, then eventually I’ll find another woman who does want to be a good teammate, and a good wife to me and a good step mom to our children. But if the family is going to break up, it’s on you. And you’re going to have to explain to our kids and the rest of our family why you’re doing what you’re doing. But I want to see an effort. You stay in the guest room, whatever. I would prefer you sleep in the master bedroom with me, but if you’re not comfortable, that’s fine. But, you know, we should go away for the weekend and have some fun together. I want to see you making an effort. If you don’t want to make the effort, you need to pack your shit and go.”

It’s as simple as that. But again, you do all this stuff after you have handled the situation with locking your money up and your own bank account so she can’t piss it away and spend it. Because she’s already threatened you with it. So that’s it. Hide it, put it in your own bank account and she won’t be able to touch it. She legally will not be able to touch it. Because it’ll be your bank account, your money. That’s what I would do if I were you.

And then if she agrees, I always say, “Let’s go away for the week. And just you and I. I’ll take care of the babysitter. Let’s just go have some fun together.” She’s got to focus on that. You got to focus on having fun, hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Again, there is a process, and you need to follow it. It’s in The Book and when you go through The Book, you’ll see all the things you’ve probably been saying and doing that have turned her off and caused her to lose attraction for you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.