How To Remain Mysterious & Attractive Instead Of Boring & Predictable

How to remain mysterious & attractive to women instead of boring & predictable.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 15 times over the past two years. He shares a recent success story with a new woman that went really well until she left to travel for a few weeks. He believes she’s back in town for a week now but has not reached out since.

He’s starting to wonder if he blew the mystery and her attraction to him the last time they talked before her trip. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this is like one of those fine tuning type of emails.

So this guy shares a success story with a woman that he met, but he had like, a couple of slip-ups that he mentioned in his email. I thought it was kind of great to include it because there’s a point where anybody that’s been applying what’s in 3% Man, you hear this stuff from women: “There’s something different about you.” “You’re so unlike all other guys that I’ve dated.” So she’s kind of giving him a compliment after this, after they had slept together, and he proceeds to start telling her what he had done, which is operational security. James Bond doesn’t give his secrets. It’s like performing this amazing magic trick and then going, “OK, here’s how I did it.” So you got to keep these things to yourself.

They hung out a few times, hooked up a few times, and then she went on a trip for a few weeks. Then like, right before her vacation, he reaches out, because he’s probably getting a little dopey, a little full of himself. He’s like, “Man, I’m the stud! I got this!” Because she’s just been complimenting him left and right and then just completely gives off the beta male vibe, and it’s a little sloppy. So she went on her trip and now she’s been back for about a week or so, but he still hasn’t heard from her, because he had told her after he last hung up with her, “Hey, get in touch when you get back in town,” and so far she has not. Now he’s kind of wondering, “Man, did that one slip up? Did that just ruin it?”

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You want them to see you as just this guy that’s like, got all the answers. So you don’t give away your secrets. You don’t explain to them what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, because I suspect also, after he explained to her what he did, she probably thought about it and was like, “Wow, he’s very tactical with everything he does,” and then she probably started to wonder, “Is he just running game on me? What’s he doing?” So it’s just better, especially in the beginning, to keep this stuff to yourself. Don’t tell women what you’re doing or how you’re doing it, because again, it just makes the mystery evaporate. You want them to see you as her Superman, not a guy that as soon as he does something amazing, he’s like, “Oh hey, here’s how I did it. Here’s here’s how the magic trick worked.” So don’t do that.

It’s a good email to learn from because I’ve seen guys do this before. I’ve seen guys having conversations with women on dates or that they’re dating and they like, quote something out of the book and as if they’re lecturing the girl and using what’s in the book to kind of browbeat the woman. Then she starts wondering, “Why is he repeating all this stuff to me like this?” James Bond is smooth. He never says, “Hey, I’m a secret agent.” He doesn’t say, “I work for the government,” “I’m an intelligence agent,” or “I work for MI6.” He doesn’t say those things. You just don’t know. He’s this international man of mystery. He just always seems to know what to do with the ladies, and that’s the way it should be.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Long time listener. Over the last two couple of years it’s changed my life and have been through the eBook 15-20 times. I’ve really improved and made tons of changes but it’s constant progress.

Well, there’s always another level. As a man, you never stop growing, never stop evolving, of course, until you croak and then you’re not doing anything. At least, not in this world anymore.

I am a 58-year-old divorced man about five years now. I have dated a lot and had tons of success, some longer term. In the process, I’ve changed careers for the better, got in shape and lost over 100 pounds.

Well that’s awesome, dude. Congratulations!

I met a gorgeous woman online a few weeks ago. We met for dinner about an hour away.

Well, one of the things I want to say, unless maybe she was long distance or another city, ideally your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. So if you’re going to meet somebody an hour away from your house, you got a long car ride. If you’re going back to your house to hook up, she may decide halfway there, “Oh, what am I doing?” Then she’ll want to turn around or say she’s tired.

So just think about the logistics of sex, because a lot of guys are surprised at how quickly it happens when you apply what’s in the book. Oftentimes, guys have been unprepared. They go out on dates thinking it’s just the first date, and then three or four hours later when they follow what’s in the book, the woman’s tearing her clothes off, they got no condominium. Then you don’t want to end up raw dogging it. So you got to be prepared and you got to assume that potentially it might end in sex later at her place or your place.

So ideally, you want to be like 10 to 15 minutes away from where you’re at. Driving an hour away, I wouldn’t recommend that. You just end up kind of cock-blocking yourself. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, but the idea is you’re trying to stack the deck in your favor to make things really easy and effortless so you can get what you want as quickly as you want it.

I kept the messaging at a minimum. She shit tested me from the start, but I was rock solid. For example, we were at a seafood place but I ordered a nice steak. She said, “I can’t believe you invited me to a nice seafood restaurant but you’re getting steak.” I said, “I don’t care, I’m in the mood for steak, and for the record, whatever seafood you order likely didn’t come out of the Ohio river were looking at now anyway. It’s all shipped in.”

Well, you can always do the surf and turf. Lobster tail, nice filet, maybe a little bearnaise sauce.

By the time the date was over, she was wanting some of my steak.

Oh, she wanted the hot beef injection, apparently!

All went well. I let her touch me first. I like to eat at the bar usually on dates, it makes it easier to get close and for her touch me.

Well, that is true, as long as it’s not packed, obnoxious and really loud.

Tables and booths feel like a desk and winds up being like a job interview unless she sits beside you on the first date…

Well, typically that’s how you start out, because when things go real well and she’s really warming up to you, she’ll be like, “Why are you sitting so far away?” And that’s basically her saying, “Hey, I’d really like to be close to you so we can touch and bump into each other.” Then that’s when you say, “Well, come over and sit next to me.”

…Which sometimes happens but isn’t for sure. Anyways, I like the bar.

Well, you do you, boo boo! That’s fine. It does facilitate touching and interacting. That’s why dinner dates at your place in the evening are so effective. You don’t cook for her. You cook together, so it facilitates physical touching and interaction. You’re not there to entertain her. You’re there to co-create a great night and happy finishes for the both of you.

As the night went on, she was being drawn in. It was textbook. She did all the initiation. At one point, she paused and said, “OMG, you’re the only guy I’ve ever went out with that hasn’t raved about how beautiful I am.” I raised my bourbon, looked her in the eye and said, “Let’s get this straight, you and everyone in here knows you’re fucking beautiful. You don’t need me drooling all over you.” Game on!

Within a couple days, she reached out to come to my home to swim the next Saturday. 

So I assume maybe that ended in the indoor Olympics.

A 90-minute drive, funny, she showed up with an overnight bag.

So she’s like 90 minutes away, I guess. So an hour and a half away. Man, that’s long. When I was younger, I’d be like, “Sure.” As you get older, planes, trains and automobiles, you want somebody that’s 10, 15 minutes away. That’s the best, because you can just say, “Come over.” When she’s an hour and a half away or two hours and she’s like “Come over,” he’s like, “Oh, it’s a long drive!”

I played cool and let her make all the moves. By the evening, we were on my back deck on the outdoor sofa, and while the sun was still high she asked me, “OMG it’s been forever for me, but do you want to go in and get naked?”

Well, that usually doesn’t happen, but he should take that as a great compliment because she’s very forward. That means she really has high interest, at least in that moment in time. So good job getting her there.

As she was leaving the next morning she said. “OMG, I usually run by now, but I am so comfortable with you. I’ve been stalked, had men text me 20 times in one day and one tried to molest me in a pool on a third date once.”

I didn’t message for three days then I get a text from her, “Hey, you aren’t much for reaching out are you?”

So when you hear something like that, there’s a little bit of irritation. Like, “I haven’t heard from this guy. Does he not like me? Am I just a booty call? Did he meet somebody else?” Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So look what the effect it has on her.

As a man, when it almost looks like she might be a little like, “You haven’t reached out. Why haven’t I heard from you?” Instead of defending yourself, just understand that she’s just saying, “Hey, I miss you. I really want to see you.” So your response should be like, “Hey, I’m so glad you reached out. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And just go right into that. No apology for having not reached out or anything. You don’t need to do that. You just recognize all she’s saying is she wants to get together. She wants another hot beef injection. So make it happen as quickly and as few words and texts as possible. Be direct, be decisive, and get to the point.

And correctly he said…

I ignored and just said, “Hey there, so good to hear from you, but I’ve been quite busy.” She proceeds to invite herself back for another overnight. She states that she had next two days off work (Wednesday /Thursday).

Question: I tried to stick with the once per week thing, but I conceded to let her come.

OK, so time out. Time to fuck out. Don’t be a robot. The once a week thing is where you call and you initiate it, because the goal is, typically with most women sleeping with a guy in the west by the second or third date, you’re taking measured steps by only reaching out once a week and setting one date, but when she starts calling and texting you and, like in this case, even inviting herself over to your place, it’s her idea.

So if a woman starts reaching out a day or two or three after your last date, assume she’s ready to see you again. Just make the next date. You don’t go, “I must only do one date per week.” Don’t be a robot like that, because this is what the book is designed to do, is to facilitate a woman’s interest going up higher and quicker so she wants to see you more. Since she’s initiating the contact, or like in this case, she initiated contact and she suggested getting together, she’s very forward, that means she wants to see him and he’s going, “Oh, I gotta wait and push her off till next week.” No, that’s this is why you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, so you can understand the little subtle nuances like that because he missed it.

Is it wrong to do more frequently that weekly when she invites herself down for an overnight? Input appreciated.

Absolutely! This is the whole point of the book, is to get her to the point where she starts doing this and she’s just doing it quicker than most other girls will, because it sounds like you guys had already slept together I guess, on two occasions now. So they’ve had two dates and now they’re setting up their third date.

While here she actually asked me, “What makes you different?”

You say something ridiculous like, “Sugar and spice and everything nice,” right? What’s uh, “Sugar and spice and everything nice,” and then something for the guys, but you have a playful, silly, goofy comeback. You say, “Sugar and spice and everything nice,” and she’s like, “That’s for the girls. What’s for you?” He’s like, “Well, I got bourbon. I got some bourbon. One bourbon, one scotch and one beer.” If you guys remember that George Thorogood song, which is a great song from the 80s. I heard that the other day, somebody riding their boat by blasting it. I hadn’t heard that song in a couple decades.

So here’s where he kind of goes, “Oh look, here’s my cards!” Don’t do this. You don’t give away your trade secrets. You don’t tell people how you did the magic trick. All you just do is, “I’m a magic man, babe. What can I say? I can’t help being this sexy and charming, but I’m glad you called. I’d really like to see you again.”

I just replied, “I don’t chase or pressure.”  I said, “For example…”

Don’t do this.

“…When you were in the pool in the hot little bikini last weekend, I didn’t follow you around the pool, or even push you on the float.  I simply sat on the built in bench and waited for you to come to me. Every bit of contact, even intimacy, I’ve let you initiate at your pace as you are comfortable.”

Bro, don’t fucking do that ever again.

She replied, “Wow, you’re right, and I can’t believe we had sex so soon. I never do this.”

Yeah, when you act like a man, this is what happens because women are not used to that, and now you just told her all that, like your strategies? Don’t fucking do that. What are you thinking? You just took away some of the mystery and the shine. Then she’s thinking, “Everything this guy’s doing, is he doing it on purpose?” Just because you have the cheat codes doesn’t mean you give her the cheat codes. Not at the beginning. When you’re in a relationship, then you guys should be going through the book together, especially the Ten Disciplines of Love in the back and all the relationship wisdom. This is after she’s head over heels in love with you. Don’t do it on the third date or when you’re planning the third date.

She told me the last time I saw her as I kissed her goodbye, “Every guy I’ve ever been with I had to force myself to like them, but with you it’s so easy.”

“Well, yeah baby, it’s because I got this 3% Man book and I’m following it! Aren’t you happy?” Don’t do that. Don’t ever give away your secrets.

As she was leaving, I told her, “We’ve seen a lot of each other. Let’s not make any plans now and keep in touch.”

Why would you do that, dude?

She had a two-week trip planned to Alaska.

Don’t ever say anything like that, because now you’re kind of starting to overthink it, and you’re basically pushing her away on purpose and then telling her you’re going to push her away. Don’t do that. When you’re playing poker, you don’t lay your cards out so everybody can see them.

A few days later, I messaged her.

You shouldn’t have done that.

Was literally the first time I had done it.

So did you actually make a date? OK, so I guess they did make a date. They had a third date, but he didn’t really elaborate. She had a two-week trip planned to Alaska, apparently. I think he said they were in Ohio.

So this is where he kind of starts to get dopey. Like, “I really like you. You’re my favorite.” So he was good for about two weeks. Then he just kind of starts to show all of his cards and cause the mystery and the magic to kind of dissipate. Don’t fucking do this, ever.

She told me life was so crazy that she had a huge plumbing leak, and her car had broke down and that her trip had got moved up a week and she was frantic getting ready. 

Well, didn’t he tell her, “We’ve seen a lot of each other. Let’s not make any plans now and keep in touch?” So he says that, and then two days later he messaged her, or three days later. So you’re saying one thing, but then your actions communicate another. See how quickly he’s just starting to come apart? You know, he’s getting cocky and getting sloppy.

“She told me life was so crazy.” So that tells me he’s trying to see her and she’s not really ready for it, and that’s why she’s like, “Oh, life is so crazy. I’m so busy. Work is crazy. I have no time.” Then she had a huge plumbing leak and her car broke down and that her trip had got moved up a week. So why is she telling him all these things? “I’m busy. I don’t want to see you right now.” That’s what she’s saying, because now, instead of letting her come to him because she was already doing all the pursuing at this point, so his pursuit was over, and now he’s making an unnecessary text and reaching out, and she was frantically getting ready.

She was leaving in three days. I replied, “That’s great! I know how happy you are to see your kids (Her daughter lives in Alaska). Let me know when you are free and I like to chat a bit before you leave to hear about your plans.”

It’s like, “We’re you drinking? Like, what was going on here?” You had a couple cocktails. You took a couple bong hits for Jesus and thought, “I’m gonna call her up. She loves me, I got this.”

I ended it with, “I’d hate to go to your funeral if you get eaten by a bear and say, ‘I wish I had talked to her one last time.'”

This whole paragraph is just bitter. It’s terrible, dude. You were doing so well. What are you thinking?

I know now that was a bit needy, but other than seeing her too often (At her request), I consider it my only error.  

Well that, and revealing your cards and seeing her at her request is not the issue, but you notice when you’re trying to initiate the contact at this point, you’re interrupting her pursuing you, because it would have been better just to let the tension be. Again, the other thing about saying, “Let’s not talk for now. Let’s not make any plans and let’s revisit it later,” so he’s like trying to get cute and do things that aren’t really in alignment with the book. He’s like, “I got this. I already boned her a couple of times. Let me show Corey a thing or two. I’ll show him how to really use this material.”

I had her attraction off the cart…

Off the chart? He didn’t spell that right. Spell check is your friend, by the way. If you’re going to send me an email, it helps to spell and grammar check so I can understand what you’re trying to communicate.

…Other than the last few days. I know she made excuses and the plumbing and rescheduling trip was a lot but still, had she wanted to reach out, she would have.

Yeah, you kind of fucked up.

I have not messaged her or heard from her for three weeks now. The ball is on her side of the net. I asked her to follow up with me and I also asked her to let me know when she is free. To which she replied, “Absolutely.”

Well, if you said, “Get in touch when your schedule frees up,” then I would just wait to hear from her, but what you did and what you said, she may have thought about it and thought, “Oh, this guy’s manipulating the fuck out of me,” and that may have been enough to scare her off. Again, you get get kind of cocky and full of yourself like, “I’m just such a stud. Let me show Corey a thing or two.”

I had a guy that sent an email in a few weeks ago, and like he’s the same way. He’s a very successful guy, he’s my age, fit and in shape. As he said, he got really cocky and he’s like, “I know, Corey. I don’t need to listen. I’ve been through this. I get it. I’m the man,” and he just over pursued, acted needy and just totally ruined his chances with a girl. So afterwards, when he was licking his wounds, he was like, “Yeah, I should have listened to you, dude. I thought I knew better. I was like, ‘I’m better looking than that guy. I got more charm and charisma. What does he fucking know? Like, who’s that bald dude on YouTube? Come on, I’m a Jedi master. Watch this!'” Then he gets fucking totally rejected and ghosted.

Pride cometh before the fall. We’re just here to learn. When you humble yourself, as Jocko Willink likes to say, “Be humble or you will be humbled,” and this guy got a little full of himself, and he’s kind of getting a humble pie now, just like the other guy I was talking about that’s my age that didn’t listen to me and totally blew it with a girl he really liked.

Also, being no-contact has been easy because no way would I ever reach out to her on a family vacation, but by my estimates, she been back home a week now. I still haven’t reached out. I realize she is probably catching up with work and life after being gone.

Yeah, I would assume that’s the case, but like I said, you totally put your foot in your mouth at the end there. The phone call was weird, what you said was weird, and the stuff where you just really, in explicit detail, laid out what you did, that kind of thing. If her interest drops, then she’s going to start ruminating about that statement and go, “Is everything he’s doing contrived? Is he just manipulating me?” Then the silence when she starts to doubt herself is typically when she’ll reach out, but there may have been other things that he said, but it’s unusual for her to come back and be back for a week and not even text him. So it’s how quickly it booms. Doesn’t take much.

But here is my second question: Do I stay no-contact forever, or should at the 30-day mark reach out and with something funny like, “Hey, hope the bears didn’t eat all of you! How was your trip?”

I wouldn’t say anything like that. Maybe if you don’t hear from her for 30 days, maybe an ex or another guy in the picture, you just may have totally blown it. Like I said, you know what we saw with that last phone conversation when he reached out to her. She went through like four or five different things trying to really exaggerate and use hyperbole about how busy she was saying, “I can’t see you.” The only reason she was doing that is because she didn’t want to see him. Her interest wasn’t high enough to see him. I would say that’s probably a reflection of how he turned her off. If he had just been cool, if he’d had just followed the book instead of trying to be cute, it wouldn’t have blown up in his face, probably. Then again, he doesn’t know her. Maybe it’s the ex-boyfriend she got back together with. So she said she was going to get in touch and she didn’t. So she doesn’t. You either turned her off or she’s hanging out with some other dude. Maybe the ex or whatever.

If you’re going to reach out after 30 days, I mean you could give it one last shot if you haven’t heard from her in 30 days. It’s been three weeks now, so that’s just another week. So if you don’t hear from her when, you know, she moved her trip up, maybe she stayed an extra week. So you don’t really know. If you remember, I sent a nasty email to a girl because I thought she was back from New Orleans, yet she decided to stay a few extra days. So when she actually got home, she read the email and I just completely blew things out of the water because I assumed she was blowing me off. So I wouldn’t do anything for right now.

If you are going to reach out, say maybe after three weeks of you knowing she’s back, and she still hasn’t reached out because again, maybe she decided to stay an extra week, so maybe she’s still there, give her a couple of weeks to get back and she’s like, “Oh, I haven’t heard from you.” I would be like, “Oh, I just assumed you probably stayed another week and you were still on vacation.” This is what I would text her if she’s been back for three weeks and you haven’t heard anything and you figured you probably fucked it up or there’s another guy in the picture, you could reach out one last time and say, “Hey you! I hope you’re back. I’d love to hear all about your trip. Let me know when you’re free so we can get together,” and just see what happens.

I still feel like if she wanted to see me she would be in contact, and I’m pretty hard headed.

Yeah, she would have.

I don’t want to give her my power in the exchange. Can the interest level really change that quickly??

Your advice sincerely appreciated.

Bob

Yeah well, what you said is not something I would have ever said, because if she had time to think about it, she might have thought that you were being manipulative, because maybe that was why she was evasive the last time you reached out to her, is because you told her what you had done to seduce her, and she might have thought, “Wow, this guy is just running a game on me,” “He’s playing games with me,” or “He’s very manipulative.”

So like I said, if you want, again like I said earlier, wait three, four weeks after she’s been back for sure just in case she ended up staying for an extra week. So you’re reaching out two weeks after she gets back. If you have to reach out, you got to assume that she’s moved on to another guy, or you turned her off by what you told her. Maybe there’s other things he said and did that turned her off even more, and that’s why she hasn’t reached out, but I would just reach out. I’d wait a little longer. Like I said, I’d wait three full weeks when after the time she’s back just to give her a chance to reach out. If you have to reach out, then you still haven’t heard from her, the chances of success are like 50/50, maybe even less, maybe 49/50. So it helps if you follow the book. Don’t get cocky, “Be humble, or you will be humbled,” as Jocko says, because it’s so true.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.