How To Respond When She’s Not In The Mood For Sex

How to respond to your girl when she’s not in the mood for sex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an update from the emailer from, She Complains I Don’t Reach Out Enough. They are long distance. His mother doesn’t like her and threw them out last time she came to visit. He also had crying emotional meltdowns in front of her treating her like his mommy, therapist and emotional support human. Because of his vacillation between acting masculine and like an upset little girl, he turns her off to the point she rejects him for sex.

He asks what to do in those situations. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is actually an update from a viewer who I answered an email in a previous newsletter titled She Complains I Don’t Reach Out Enough. So they’re long distance, and apparently his mom does not like his girlfriend. So I guess the last time she came to visit him, I think he’s in Denmark, she was so unhappy that she kicked them both out of the house. I think she did get him an Airbnb, though. You know, basically she said, “Get out of my fucking house and here’s an Airbnb for you.”

So some things that he’s done, remember, he’s a long distance, and now he’s kind of worried because last time she was here he had some crying emotional meltdowns in front of her. He treated her like his mommy, his therapist, his emotional support human. So it’s pretty clear, as you’ll see as I go through this email, he’s just acting too much like a chick.

I say all the time, you can’t do this. You can’t treat your girl like your mommy, your therapist or your emotional support human, because you’re going to dry them up, and if you dry her up, she’s not gonna want to have sex with you because she doesn’t respect you and she doesn’t feel safe. The reason she doesn’t feel safe is because you’re not acting like a man consistently. So that’s the behavior he really needs to clean up and stop having meltdowns in front of her and crying over his problems or his issues and trying to turn her into his mommy and his therapist, because that’s why she doesn’t want to sleep with them. Sometimes if you act like a bitch, women are gonna treat you like a bitch. The legs are going to close. They will be closed for business.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I’m 20 years old, from Denmark, and currently in a long-distance relationship with my Bulgarian girlfriend (We’re both 21). I’ve read How to Be a 3% Man 17 times and I’m on my 18th read to keep the knowledge sharp and avoid being reprogrammed by the propaganda around me.

Well, whatever you observe, you participate in. So good job!

We’ve been together for a year, and from July 16th–31st she stayed with me in Denmark.

So it’s about looks like two weeks.

The visit was challenging because my mom dislikes my girlfriend and even threw us out, paying for an Airbnb instead.

Well, it was nice that your mom didn’t throw you to the street. She’s like, “Hey, here’s an Airbnb, so you guys can go get your freak on there. I don’t want to listen to all the screaming, the headboard pounding the wall and all the strange noises coming out of your room.” So that was kind of nice, but if your mom doesn’t like your girlfriend, that should be something you pay attention to. Just a little data point, because maybe mom is right, but if she’s like a single mom, she hates men, never dated anybody after your parents split up, it’s possible that sometimes women will sabotage your relationship so you can be single like them. In other words, “Nobody’s good enough for my son.”

This created stress, but I tried to stay focused on having fun since what you do with a woman is what she associates with being with you.

How you make her feel when she’s with you is what she associates with being with you. So if your mom’s like, “I don’t like this bitch. Get the fuck out of my house,” you gotta defend your girl to your mother, even though your mother might be right, “but don’t talk to my girlfriend that way. Don’t make her feel uncomfortable.” If she won’t stop, then you and your girl go stay in an Airbnb, because you’re not gonna subject your girlfriend to abuse by your mother, your father, friends or family members, because if you do allow that, then you’re going to make them feel like you can’t protect them. You’re not keeping them safe. So we know that he did the right thing by this next statement.

Despite the tension, my girlfriend said she felt more connected to me than ever, that we bonded and she believes I’m the man for her.

So because you didn’t let it derail you, you focused on having a good time. You didn’t allow your mom to browbeat your girlfriend. You just removed yourselves from the situation to an Airbnb. The fact that she said that? That’s a good sign.

She is very feminine, loves the surprises I plan, and even does small things like dressing in ways she knows I find sexy, cooking for me, and sharing secrets she’s never told anyone. Communication is good overall. Conflicts are usually resolved quickly. However, there are things I want to improve— Mostly my own behavior. I struggle with porn addiction and sexual compulsion (I’ve been clean for 14 days now).

Well, you shouldn’t be watching porn at all if you’re in a relationship. Women don’t like that because it’s like going to the titty bar all the time. You’re giving your sexual attention to people online, basically. You shouldn’t be doing that. Plus, if you’re jerking off all the time, you’re going to have diminished sexual desire, and in order to keep your relationship healthy, you got to be laying the pipe at least two to three times a week. On top of that, he’s long distance. So she comes to stay with him for a couple of weeks, and he doesn’t feel like having sex very often because he’s jerking off to porn all the time, and she knows you’re doing that, that’s going to really turn her off, that’s going to dry her up and she’ll lose respect for you.

So knock that shit off. Nothing good that comes from that. It’s like going to a titty bar all the time. Real men don’t pay for fucking pussy. I mean, you’re going to pay if you take a girl out on dates and stuff like that, but I’m talking about paying a girl to dance for you, paying the titty dancer, or paying to have access to porn sites. It’s like, come on. That’s a waste of money, energy and time.

Stress from my mom’s behavior and my girlfriend’s health issues (She has a condition that makes her very sensitive to hormones, especially around her period) triggered needy, little boy like behavior during her visit. On some nights, I acted pathetic, cried, and failed to stay composed.

Like bro, you can’t do that with your girl, ever. As a man, you can’t be doing that with women having meltdowns. That’s just not attractive at all.

She supported me through it, but I know it’s my responsibility to correct this.

So just doing that there, that will affect her desire to fuck you over several days because again, you’re acting like a bitch. That’s the kind of thing that’s not going to make her feel safe having sex with you, because on some level, you’re not acting masculine. If she got pregnant by you and you’re having meltdowns like that, she’s not going to feel very safe with you as the father because it’s like, you can’t handle it. You can’t handle your emotions.

This is the kind of shit you share with your therapist or your guy friends and people that are not going to tell your girl that you’re having meltdowns like this. This is unhelpful. You need to cut that shit out. So given your attention to porn and having meltdowns, it’s like, of course you’re going to dry her up. She doesn’t feel safe because you’re not acting like a man. That’s why you have problems.

My main concern now is our sexual connection. Some days she was extremely into me and we had great sex, but other days she wasn’t in the mood due to her period or medical issues.

Well, it may have been her period. Maybe she’s got cramps or whatever, but more than likely it’s because you’re acting like a bitch around her too much. You’re not acting like a man. You cannot do that. You’re having meltdowns and being unable to control your emotions. That’s not manly. You’re acting like a child. That’s part of having self-control.

I sometimes reacted badly— Couldn’t sleep, became clingy, or pushed too much.

Well, the seduction process is laid out in the book. If you’re trying to seduce your girl when she’s not open to it, again all this stuff is laid out in the book, and you should be able to recognize it.

Looking back, I see how this behavior can kill attraction and make her close off.

Yeah, that’s gonna make the lazy legs close right up.

When she’s not in the mood, I’m unsure whether to stay calm and let her initiate (Which sometimes seems to turn her on) or make a move anyway (Which also sometimes works).

Well, making a move, the idea is hang out, have fun and then hook up. The hooking up comes at the end. This is the part of the date. It’s the same process over and over again. If you guys are fucking like rabbits, then yeah, you can just go touch her and she’ll be ready to get it on, but when you’re acting like a bitch and then you want to get it on, you should expect to get rejected. You can’t do it because you’re just tying your shoelaces together unnecessarily and making things difficult when they don’t need to be.

If you feel like you need to have a meltdown, go for a drive in your car and have a meltdown. Don’t do it in front of her. That’s terrible, and that can cause the setbacks. Women are not like light switches. You don’t get through your cry and then she’s like, “Oh, let’s have sex.” Like, don’t do this stuff in front of her.

It’s hard to tell the difference between when she’s truly not in the mood and when she just needs me to lead.

Well, you always need to lead. The seduction process comes after spending time together. Again, it’s laid out in the book. There’s no mystery about it, because when she likes you and she’s attracted, she starts bumping into you and starts touching you, then you can reciprocate and escalate from there. If a woman’s not touching you at all and she’s staying away from you, then you probably need to open her up, spend some time with her, get her to talk, get her to talk about what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, open her up, because this will turn her on and help you get past anything that’s bothering her.

I’ll visit her in Bulgaria in September, and everything else in our relationship feels strong, but I’m worried that my previous behavior may have made her more guarded sexually.

Yeah again, women will only have sex with you when they feel safe. When women don’t feel safe across the board, they’re not going to have sex with you. If you want her to not have sex with you, keep having meltdowns, bitching out, jerking off to porn, not being able to perform and all the other things that go along with that. It’s like you’re sabotaging your relationship by doing these things. It seems like you kind of already know you shouldn’t be doing them, but you’re doing them anyways. So that shows that you’re undisciplined and you’re not exercising self-control. You can do better, dude.

What is the best way to rebuild that dynamic and maintain sexual polarity without being needy?

Well, actually apply what’s in the book. Stop acting like a bitch in front of her. Stop crying about your problems. Stop having meltdowns. Stop causing drama. Lead consistently. It’s your job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s what a date is. Hang out, have fun and hook up. When the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced and are laid out in the book, then you make the move. It’s there!

You’re acting like, “Oh, I don’t know what to do.” What’s really happening is you’re kind of making excuses for your lack of behavior, but that’s the issue. Control the controllables. Control your behavior. Act masculine all the time when you interact with her and you won’t have these problems in the future.

How can I best handle situations where she’s not in the mood while staying composed, confident, and in my masculine energy?

Well again, if you’re actually applying what’s in the book because again, it’s laid out in very vivid and explicit detail on when to seduce and when to back off. Maybe you need to spend a little bit more time learning that part of the book, because if you understood that part, then you won’t be getting rejected. If you do, if you’re not sure whether she’s in the mood or not, you do the kiss test and she doesn’t look at your lips, well she’s not ready to be kissed.

So what do you do? What does the book tell you to do it? Tells you to get her to talk more and open up more. Then you’ll notice she’ll start playing with her hair, touching your arm, leaning close and getting closer to you physically, to the point where she’s bumping into you. Then when you’re getting those physical indicators, that’s when you can escalate and seduce her. It’s so easy and obvious.

I’d appreciate any pattern interrupt or no-bullshit guidance you can provide to keep me on track.

Thank you for your work, Coach!

Best Regards,

Bob

Well, the biggest takeaway from this is your lack of discipline, and you’re choosing not to exercise self-control. You’re losing your shit in front of her. That’s the opposite of masculinity. Guys have their shit together. Masculinity is calm. When you have a meltdown, you cry like that, that’s how women operate. It’s OK for your girl to do that in front of you, but when you do that, you totally ruin the sexual polarity because you’re acting like another girl. Of course it’s going to turn her off. Of course she’s going to reject you. When you pull that stupid shit and then you try to fuck her right afterwards, you should not be surprised that you’re getting rejected, because the reason you’re getting rejected is you’re not following what’s in the book. It’s pretty simple. This is basic one-on-one level stuff. So you got to participate in your own rescue, dude. You got to exercise self-control.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.