This is an email I got from a coaching client of mine. He wonders why chicks he likes don’t seem to pay much attention to him even though he is now making an effort to say hello and be friendly. He’s out of shape, but wants a hot girl like most guys do. He want’s a chick who is out of his league. Here’s his email (I’ve made a few comments in the body of his email in brackets like this):
Corey… One thing I`ve never noticed is any of the hot chicks noticing me and/or eying me. The only ones I notice checking me out are fat white trash… Talk about making one vomitous… or the big`uns that salivate while looking at me as if they are about to dive into 2 racks or so of baby back ribs (that’s funny shit man). Don`t get me wrong, I don`t have a thing wrong with big people. A lot of my best friends are big, but I am not attracted to the type where I would throw out my back and ass just picking them up off the floor (dude, thanks for the mental image). I wonder, is it the way I carry myself (YES!, Non-verbal communication, i.e. tone & body language account for 93% of what you communicate to other people. Only 7% is determined by the words you use)? Is it confidence? (partly) Am I caring too much of what women think? (definitely). I`m still having a fuck of a time trying to get this confidence thing on the move (practice, practice, practice. Practice makes perfect. Repetition is the mother of skill. Taking action gives you confidence and reduces your fear. “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” ~ Dale Carnegie). Should I buy some material on confidence-building (taking action and the experience you gain from it builds your confidence. If you don’t take action and practice everyday, you will not get any better) or do group-therapy-self esteem-type stuff (that’s a question for you and your counselor to decide)? I`ve read a few books on the subject, but they never delve deep into practically applying anything (if you apply ALL OF what I teach instead of just the parts that are easy and don’t require much effort, you will see that it works; that will build your confidence. Guys read and read and read hoping a book will give them confidence. Experience gives you confidence. If you don’t take action you will not gain any experience to build your confidence). Maybe the books did but I never noticed. Anyhow, as I`ve heard and observed at the core of all this is it truly comes down to confidence. And that, would be a great place to start (stop talking, whining and complaining and start taking action. That’s the best place to start). Thanks, man! Tom.
Your physiology is communicating that your self-esteem is on the same level as the un-attractive chicks. Your belief is that chicks don’t like you because you got a gut and are out of shape. You are simply vibrating and acting at the same consciousness level as the ugly girls and therefore can only attract your physical equals.
However, if you want to get the ladies who are out of your league, you have to act as if you belong with a hot woman, even though physically she is superior to you. The most important thing that sexually attracts women to a man is CONFIDENCE. Physical appearance is usually 3rd or 4th on a woman’s list of male strength characteristics she finds attractive and most important in men.
Your body language, physiology and demeanor communicate to the hot women you encounter that you don’t deserve them. They act accordingly and in return you accept your place of unworthiness in their world. In order for women to ignore and look past your beer gut and the fact you are out of shape, first you have to stop giving a shit about it. When you start acting, walking and talking like an Alpha Male, like this fellow squid of yours… Marcus Luttrell, then the women who are out of your league will notice and treat you like the dominant male that you already are on the inside, but choose to hide because you are worried about offending people or making them feel uncomfortable. So you shrink and act like something you are not. Men who are unsuccessful with the type of women they really want treat hot women different than the ugly women. THAT’S A HUGE MISTAKE. These guys don’t know how to act and are not comfortable with themselves enough to act naturally when they are around women they really like.
When the hot women come around you, you treat them like they are the dominate ones. Human beings respond to dominant men and women just like animals do in the wild. You act like a peasant or serf does around royalty and she responds “of course I’m amazing, too bad you don’t act like you deserve to be around me. I’m really cool, but you’re too chicken shit to engage me in a way that communicates you deserve me. So I continue to wait to meet a guy who does. That’s why I date jerks and guys who treat me like shit. They’re the only ones who act like they deserve to be with me. Dominant men go after what they want and take action. They will help me produce dominant offspring who will grow up to be strong, reproduce and therefore continue carrying my dominant genes into future generations.” In the animal kingdom, dominant males want to reproduce with the dominant females so their genes survive. We human beings are biologically programmed to do the same thing. Its the mating dance.
When you are around women, if you continue to act like you don’t deserve to be there, they will ignore you and treat you like you don’t belong there. If you act like you deserve to be there, they must respect you, and they will. Your presence will fill the room and people will literally be able to feel when you walk into a room. People can feel the presence of a dominant alpha male.
Being successful with women is mostly related to how successful you feel internally as a man. How good you feel about your finances, health, career, peer group, business, personal growth, spiritual life, emotional health, etc. determines how happy, optimistic and confident you will appear to a woman. You have to be excited about your life and be excitedly pursuing your dreams. When your life is filled with complaining about your situation and not taking any action to improve it, you are a like a limp dick. A talker and not a doer. Limp dicks can’t penetrate a woman’s vagina. Why? They are not hard enough or strong enough. A man who acts like a limp dick without enthusiasm around women or because of a woman (because he is not taking action and relentlessly pursuing his dreams) is going to be unable to even register on a pretty woman’s radar, or even make a dent in any of her emotional barriers. If you are hoping that once you get a great girl she will make you happy, I am sorry to say that it will not. Sure, it will be awesome for a while, but after the newness and excitement of the whirlwind romance wears off, you are still left with you and your ability to look at the world and find things to be happy and excited about. If you are not happy and fulfilled right now by yourself, a woman can only give you the illusion that she is the reason for your happiness temporarily. Once your heart realizes you are still the same unhappy and unfulfilled guy you were before you met Mrs. Perfect, then you will usually start neglecting your relationship as your belief that she would make you happy dissolves in the face of reality.
Women want to be with a guy who is exciting and still believes in his dreams. He has something he is striving for. She can come along and be your teammate. But like it says in the bible… “without a (compelling) vision, the people perish”. If you don’t have a compelling vision, its hard to get excited yourself, much less excite a woman and cause her to feel sexual attraction for you.
If you continue working a job or career you hate, over time, this takes its toll on every other area of your life. Most adults give up on their dreams in their 20’s. They get beat down so much in life, that they lose all interest in taking care of their body, they become less and less satisfied in their relationships, and they eventually give up and start living a life of quite desperation instead of designing and slowly building over time, their ideal life.
They avoid doing the work they need to do on themselves, as well as making the changes they know they need to make; because comfort and security are more important to them. Instead of choosing excitement, challenge and the rewards that come after years of diligent effort to perfect ones health, career, business, finances, relationships, etc.
Its really exciting to live the life of your dreams. Where you make enough money and have enough control over your career life that you can come and go as you please, with who you please and buy anything you want or need. When you arrive there you realize you have an unlimited amount of choices and things you can add to your life and world.
It really sucks to look around at every important area of your life, know you need to do something to change it, but being too stuck and frozen with fear to take any action that will bring about a betterment of your life style and personal situation. You are either a doer or a talker. Doers simply take action and never quit. Talkers talk and engage in a mental circle-jerk with themselves. Life and the pursuit of your goals is full of setbacks and frustration as you overcome your weaknesses in the process. When you come thru the “shadow of the valley of death” so to speak, you look back on the process and can see where it was working out in your favor all along. Even though while you were going thru it, it seemed like it would never end and you would never reach your goals. Especially after working for several years without much to show for it like I have with several of the businesses I have created over the years. Your attachment to things being or showing up in a certain way, interfered with the universe trying to meet your desires in the easiest and fastest way possible. However, God is interested in your growth and your own greatness. Your challenges will make you humble and smooth out your rough edges. “A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” – Chinese Proverbs. Your limiting beliefs and weaknesses are overcome and you are stronger as a person, more confident than ever and you look towards the future with excitement and optimistic expectation. It also makes you incredibly patient and grateful.
Its a very emotionally powerful experience to go from being wealthy, making more money than you can spend, being a successful and a sought after consultant, to liquidating all your assets, downsizing, starting over and creating something entirely new with no income and only expenses. It takes years. There is an old saying… “It took me ten years to become an overnight success.” We find out about great entrepreneurs, leaders, athletes, etc. only after they have worked for decades to create what appears to us to be an overnight success. Figuring out my business model for my life coaching business took me about twice as long and way more money than I expected. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I made a lot of mistakes and failed a lot. Most of my ideas did not work, but over time I learned from my mistakes and today I enjoy the rewards of all my hard work, sacrifice and despite the harsh treatment I received and endured from some of the people who I once thought were my friends. People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours. That’s why you can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations. “Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you do repeatedly” – Aristotle.
Failure is a part of life. So are setbacks and hardships. “I’ve failed over & over & over again in my life & that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan. “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” -Lao Tzu. “Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.” -Michael Jordan. “Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” -Jerry Rice. “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu.
Now those are some things to think about… Hmmmmmmmmmm.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu.