How to spot and avoid women who have emotional problems, unresolved trauma & mental health issues.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 10 times. He met what he thought was a fantastic woman from work. They went out twice and things got hot and heavy on the 2nd date. He started violating principles from my book and got rejected. However, she revealed she has PTSD from an abusive relationship and other emotional problems and should go back to therapy.
He asks what he should do now, as it’s been a month and he wants to contact her again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You could say he violated the principles in the book and she dipped out, but at the same time, she basically revealed that she had a lot of problems and unresolved issues. She even mentioned she thinks she needs to go back to therapy before she dipped out. She even mentioned that to him that she got triggered when they were fooling around on the couch on the second date.
So, now a month has gone by, he hasn’t spoken to her and he’s thinking, “I’m thinking about reaching back out to her.” But it brings up an issue that’s important. There’s a quote that Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” You can see he’s thinking about the connection he has with her, meanwhile, there’s all kinds of red flags going up because she’s got issues she needs to resolve. Once she resolves them, maybe she’ll be a good person to date. But, obviously, right now it’s not looking good.
What’s interesting, I remember Dominick D’Anna was sharing this with me a couple of years ago; he said one out of every three women that’s over 30 years old is on some kind of psychotropic drug – some kind of antidepressants, or Xanax, or something along those lines. And so, if you’re going to date, especially in today’s age, compared to when I think about back in the 80s and 90s, when when I was growing up and coming of age, compared to now, it’s just like they give out psychotropic drugs to people like they’re Tic Tacs. This is just something you’ve got to be aware of when you’re out in the dating world.
Because you’re looking for somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating. And you’ve got to have enough self-control that when you spot this kind of behavior, just give them an invitation, “Hey, when you figure things out, when you feel ready, get in touch.” Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. Either way, it’s not your job to fix or to save them. Because a lot of people don’t do anything about their problems and their issues. And again, you’re you’re looking for somebody that’s happy, whole, complete and ready to date, not somebody that’s got a lot of unresolved issues or trauma.
I love your book and newsletters. They’ve transformed my dating life. I’ve read/listened to your book 10 times, but I still make mistakes. I met a fantastic woman online and we had a great first date. I let her do most of the talking, we went to 2 places, and we ended up making out in a park and it was electric. She wasn’t ready to go to my place so we each went home, but when she texted the next day she said it was a “Hollywood scripted magical night.”
Sounds cool. Hey, if you’re following what’s in “3% Man,” these are the kinds of things you expect to hear. So far, so good.
I set up the next time to meet on a Saturday. She was volunteering for an organization we both care about, so I met her for coffee first, we went to volunteer, and I knew it was near her place and sure enough, she invited me there to “meet her cat.”
We made out on her couch and she was really responsive. I picked her up to take her to her bedroom and she said she wasn’t ready for that, so I slowed down a little, but we kept making out.
Yeah, you’ve got to slow your roll there, Skippy.
She ended up grinding on me and had an orgasm.
Well, good for her.
She started apologizing and I said no that was great, glad you had fun! She seemed a little off after that and I had to leave, but I asked about setting up our next date about a week later when I knew she wouldn’t have her kids, (I probably should not have tried to set up the next date during that rendezvous. I should have waited).
Yeah, you’re you’re getting all excited and carried away doing too much, too soon. And if you’re dealing with a woman who’s got emotional issues, like this one does, she’s going to bounce on you. But, by the same token, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, because then the truth comes out.
She said she would let me know. I didn’t hear from her for 3 days, so I sent a nonchalant text.
The other thing is, you’re just not even paying attention. You’re telling this woman things, and then you’re doing the opposite. She says she would let you know. Three days go by, you can’t deal with it, you can’t handle it, then you reach out, sending a nonchalant text. You’re overpursuing and you don’t even realize it, trying to set up a third date while you’re still on your second date. Too much, too soon, dude. Right out of the book.
But again, we’re dealing with a woman who’s messed up, obviously. And the more you pursue a woman who’s messed up and gets easily overwhelmed, the quicker she’s going to bounce from you.
She replied and said she was overwhelmed. She had a sexually abusive marriage that ended 3 years ago, and she said the intensity of our interaction triggered her PTSD.
So, the red flags and whistles should be going off when you hear something like this, but Captain Save-a-Hoe is like, “I can work with this. I can fix her. I can save her. I’ll be a better dude. She’ll choose me.”
She felt a strong connection to me but didn’t know what to do after being triggered and felt like she wasn’t ready to date and needed to go back to therapy and figure things out. I said I understood and to take whatever time she needs, but only after sending a few overly gushing texts about how I was willing to walk through that with her, what a strong connection I felt, and how I thought we would have been great together.
So, he proceeds to drool. Remember, she’s feeling overwhelmed. And what does he do? He just drools all over her some more. Not a good way to go. You shouldn’t be doing that with any women, dude.
It’s been a month. I’ve kept dating but because there was an instant chemistry and I don’t find that too often, I’d like to see her again and maybe take it a little slower this time. My questions is, does it make sense to reach out to her, or should I wait for her to contact me? If I do reach out, what should I say?
Thanks for your incredible advice and guidance. You’ve helped a lot of us former “nice guys” to figure out what women really want.
So, again, you told her to get to work on herself to figure things out and get back to you, and now you’re trying to go back on that because you want to pursue some more. You just can’t act this way, with any woman, for that matter, because eventually, even a woman who’s normal and healthy is going to start to feel overwhelmed and back away because you’re smothering her. And the reason you’re smothering her is you’re needy. You’re acting needy, and desperate, and you’re overpursuing.
Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches. The difference in this situation is you had a woman who’s emotionally messed up, tells you she’s emotionally messed up, and you still don’t listen. And then, you still keep trying to pursue, and coerce, and force her to do the things you want. Just like, you start making out, and then you want to make a beeline right for the bedroom. You’ve got to take your time. I wouldn’t be taking her into the bedroom until you’ve got a few articles of clothing off. It’s got to be a slow process. Slow your roll, dude.
So, in this particular juncture where this woman is, I would never call or text her again for any reason. It may be six months, it may be a year, you may never hear from her again, but you’ve got to let her be. It’s totally counterproductive to keep chasing after her. She told you she’s messed up. She told you she needs to go back to therapy. She told you she’s got PTSD, she had a bad experience. Obviously, she ain’t over that yet. And it’s not your job to fix her, or to save her, or to put your personal life on hold, hoping that she fixes herself, because the reality is a lot of people just simply won’t do it.
You have to look at the fact that if you’re ready, willing, able and open to dating, then date women who are also ready, willing, able and open to dating. And you’ve got to clean up your overpursuing. Just because you have a strong connection doesn’t mean you you overpursue, because you’ll literally chase every woman right out of your life. And this particular one you chased away really quickly because she’s messed up.
Now, a woman that’s normal, same thing. You’ll chase her away to the point where she’ll just ghost you and not talk to you anymore. So, you’ve got to clean up your game. But, like I said, in this particular case, this woman just said, “Hey, I’ve got a truckload of problems,” and you’re like, “Hey, I’m Captain Save-a-Hoe. I can fix all that.” It it’s a bad way to go. You’re just asking for drama. And remember, no drama allowed.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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