How To Spot Liars & Cheaters As Quickly As Possible

How to spot liars and cheaters as quickly as possible to avoid betrayal and heartbreak.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for six years. He’s read 3% Man more than 30 times. He has been dating a woman for about five months. At their bosses wedding she met one of his high school “friends” and she started texting him.

Later she told him she was in love with his “friend” and he realized the series of events that made it obvious, some which he ignored early on, that she was not capable of loyalty and not worthy of his trust. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is a the second Members Only post for today that has to do with lying and cheating. I got two good ones in a row. I had to go through both of these because the idea is we’re all trying to learn from these things. We’re trying to see if we can spot things quicker, because the longer you’re with somebody, like the last email, that guy was with that girl for almost five months, and she’s inviting attention from a bad boy that goes to the gym and in essence, giving this other guy the green light to try to seduce her because she liked him and she really didn’t care about her boyfriend. Then she gaslights him and tries to get him to put up with it. Unfortunately, probably the reason she’s like that is so many guys in the past have put up with her behavior, and she’s hot and she’s able to get away with it. She obviously was clearly raised by a man or a man who just wasn’t there that was never there to teach her how to be honest and loyal. You’re just not going to fix that.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of people like this in society. It’s not just the women that we date. These are the people you become friends with or somebody that you potentially go into business with, like in this particular email, this guy has been following my work for six years. He’s read the book 30 times. He’s been dating a woman for about five months, so about the same amount of time as the last guy. They go to their boss’ wedding, and apparently one of his high school “friends,” is there. She met this “friend,” I don’t know why this guy still refers to this dude as a friend, but part of his problem, and this is part of growing up, like when you’re younger, you think, “Oh, that guy is kind of a dirt-bag, but hey, we’ve known each other since elementary school, yet he’s trying to steal my girlfriend or fuck her, but he’s a friend because we go back till elementary school.” By the time I got into my early 30s, I realized late 20s, early 30s, that some human beings are ratchet. It’s like they’re just always going to be that way.

For you guys that have read Mastering Yourself, I talked about my former best man in my wedding that tried to bang my wife after we were in the process of splitting up, the guy that wrecked my Lotus one day after I got the damn thing and wrapped it around a light pole and just many other transgressions. What was interesting is when we were 18, 19 years old, my parents did not like him at all. They saw right through his bullshit, but I was in my rebellious teenage years and quite frankly, I didn’t respect my parents just because of the way they raised us. I didn’t listen to anything that they said. At that point, I was like, “I knew better,” and it took me a better part of 12, 13 years to really realize and admit that, “You know what? My parents were actually spot on. They spotted his low character right away,” but when you’ve known somebody, you grow up with them, you make excuses for them. I mean, the dude was the best man at my wedding. So when things like this happen, when you’ve known somebody for years, you just try to think, “Oh, there must be a reason for this.” You make excuses for their disloyal behavior instead of just realizing it’s a major character flaw. That is because of the lack of character of the people that raised them. They just had no integrity. How could they get integrity? They never learned it, so they don’t act that way. So it’s pretty obvious that things are going to turn out and it’s baked in the cake, if you will.

You have to acknowledge reality, but gain, if it’s somebody you grew up with, maybe it’s somebody you’re in business with, maybe you got a business partner you’ve been in business with for two years, and you find out he’s fucking stealing from you, or he’s hitting on your wife or something, and you’re just like, “Ahhh,” that’s a really messy, complicated situation to try to get out of. The idea is these kinds of people, you spot their character and there are some blatantly obvious things in here. The guy just blew past it because again, his emotions were involved. So let’s go through his email and see what happened.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I have been following you for the last six years. I watch your videos regularly. I have read “3% Man” more than 30 times, and now I listen to the audio-book from time to time, mostly during my commute to work. I have also read your second book, “Mastering Yourself,” once. Recently, I purchased the “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” audio-book, and I am continually learning from you.

The reason I am writing this letter is that I was recently in a five-month relationship that is now almost at the verge of ending. It started when a girl from my work gave me all the signs of attraction. I played along and she said, “I love you” after dating for two months. Everything was perfect, and I was following your guidance.

Our relationship began in October 2023 and was great until February 2024. She was doing 100% of the calling and texting, while I set the dates.

So far everything seems kind of textbook, right? Again, we’re trying to evaluate character. We’re looking for the character flaws.

We traveled to many places together, had a great Valentine’s Day and I was very happy and peaceful, which motivated me to work even harder towards my goals.

However, just after Valentine’s Day, we went to our boss’ wedding, where some friends from my hometown were present. One of my friends from school was hitting on her, but I wasn’t bothered because I had your wisdom on my side. I knew this guy from my school days and expected this behavior from him.

Yeah, you don’t want this dude getting close.

My girlfriend used to tell me everything about such incidents, but this time, she didn’t mention anything.

So she would tell him about other guys hitting on her, but this one time that he knew this dude was hitting on her, because he expected it, she said nothing. Can you imagine that? Five months with somebody and you’re like, “Ahh, that douche from high school, she’s entertaining him?” It’s the kind of thing that happens. It happens once and you’re like, “Oh, it’s just a one time thing. It’s a one off. It must be OK. There’s got to be a logical explanation. There’s got to be a reason why my my best friend told my wife everything about my thoughts and my feelings on us splitting up before I had the chance to tell her when I was sharing things,” and I was thinking, his attitude was like, “Well, she’s a friend of mine too. I was trying to kind of straddle the fence and advise my best friend and also advise your wife because I’m friends with her too.” I later found out six months, a year later, that he was just trying to fuck her. He was trying to ingratiate himself to her. That’s all it was.

Hey, stop chewing on things, you little freak! Puppies are being mischievous down here. They’re ready to eat.

The next day, he continued hitting on her while drunk and complimented her, which I later found out about. This was the first time she didn’t mention it, which was unusual, as she used to tell me about even the smallest things.

So he’s noticing this. This is part of especially in the first, I would say at least a year or two, you’ve got to be paying attention to these things because you’re looking for evidence that she’s devious. So she normally tells you about guys that hit on her, but now you have a guy that’s always been a dirt-bag that’s been hitting on her and she doesn’t mention a peep. Now, why would that be? Well, she’s doing it because she obviously likes the guy. Again, you see it and you think, “Ahh, nothing’s going to come of it. No big deal.”

A week passed by, and everything seemed fine. We had a fun date and had sex at my place. I started to feel like she could be a potential long-term partner. But then, she didn’t contact me for a week (From February 25th to March 3rd). I was surprised because, on the 25th, she accused me of flirting with a girl from our work.

That is interesting. I’ve talked about this so many times over the years. I’ve seen it in countless phone sessions. Liars and cheaters, remember, as it says in the book, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. If somebody’s a liar and a cheater, they’re typically going to constantly be accusing you of those kinds of things because it’s what they’re doing, so they assume you’re doing it too. This is her perspective. This is her reality filter. This is where she comes from. She presupposes that her boyfriend is probably doing things wrong and doing things behind her back because she’s doing things behind his back. Again, if you’re in a relationship and you see some weird behavior from her, and then she starts accusing you of flirting with somebody else, talking to somebody else or something’s going on, that’s another red flag. It’s not a good sign. It’s because she’s projecting, and we know she’s projecting because obviously I’ve already been through the email once.

She had made such accusations before, so I didn’t think much of it and assured her that she could trust me.

Yeah, so those are red flags. If she’s constantly accusing you of lying and cheating, it’s probably because she’s the one doing it. If it just happens every once in a while because something looks bad, it’s understandable, but when it’s repeated violations, it’s pretty obvious she’s the bad one.

I was very loyal to her, not even liking other girls’ photos on Instagram or following my ex when she followed me, just so she could feel secure.

So she clearly had given him enough of a hard time. He’s like, “I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want to piss her off. I don’t want to make her mad.”

When we met on March 3rd, I knew something was wrong. Her attraction had dropped, and I suspected she was talking to my friend. I casually asked to see her WhatsApp, and she denied it, which she never did before.

Obviously she’s got something to hide. Imagine being in a relationship where you don’t trust your girl to the point where, “I want to see your phone.” That sucks. It sucks to be in that position.

She always used to show me her phone and chats.

So now she’s not. Clearly she’s not being loyal, and at some point, she made up her mind that this was not the right guy for her, because now she’s looking elsewhere.

I felt sad because I knew then that she was cheating. Eventually, she showed me her phone because I told her that I would always doubt her otherwise. Everything I suspected was true. I was heartbroken, repeating the line in my mind, “People can hide who they are for the first 90 days.”

Again, you get emotionally invested, it’s so hard to disengage because now you’re kind of starting to fall in love with the fantasy of who you thought she was, and now you find out, “All the things we’ve shared, all the intimacy, all the late nights, all the weekends, the showers, the meals, the traveling, everything is all built on quicksand. It’s just a sea of lies.” Not fun at all.

Trust was broken. I know people don’t change. I kept making dates whenever she called because I wasn’t in a place to just walk away. But in my mind, I was clear that I could never trust her or marry her. I told her not to talk to him again, and she assured me she wouldn’t. But I knew she would because she never apologized for her behavior and acted as if it wasn’t a big deal.

It’s not a big deal to her because to her this is normal behavior.

No whining! Don’t interrupt the greatness!

I went along with it because I enjoyed having sex with her. She is so beautiful…

She’s obviously like Kryptonite to him.

…That I just couldn’t let her go. However, I never acted needy. She started calling and texting me again, and we had a few good weeks, but I stopped putting my best foot forward. I treated her like a friend with benefits.

As you should. I wouldn’t take her out on dates or spend any money on her. Just if she reaches out, invite her over, hang out, have fun and hook up.

I have to admit, I got off-center and wasn’t applying the formula of HHH. Every time I met her, I felt more miserable, unable to let her go, especially since it involved my friend, which made it worse.

Newsflash bro, he ain’t your friend! He’s an acquaintance, and he’s a dirt-bag acquaintance.

This continued for a few more weeks. By mid-April 2024, I stopped taking her on dates. When she got angry, I didn’t try to make her feel heard and understood.

Yeah. I mean, who cares? She’s been disloyal. You’re not going to fix that.

A few weeks later, she told me she was really into my friend and wanted to marry him because she had never felt such strong attraction with anyone before.

I would have been like, “Well, I wish you all the best. It’s been real.”

I kept my composure and told her to go ahead, while I would date someone else. I kept my cool during most of this drama but made a few mistakes by saying bad things about my friend to make him look bad.

He’s not your friend, dude.

I know it was a bad move, but my emotions took over. I think I pushed her more towards him.

She was always going to do this, bro. She’s just not loyal at all. She’s a hoe-bag.

I learned a lot from this relationship, and I am over her. She still contacts me once a week, and I talk to her but never make a date. She has asked a few times to meet, but I refuse because I don’t want to waste my time and money on a girl I can’t trust.

I would just tell her, “I don’t want to meet you. I don’t want to date you because you’re a liar and you’re a cheater, and you ran off with some dude that I grew up with. So whatever comes out of your mouth, I don’t fucking care. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be answering your phone calls,” because she did you dirty.

I know she will be back, and I will have sex with her in the future, but I need to be careful not to get attached again, and I will use condoms. She is strictly a friend with benefits.

Yeah, so supposedly she’s in a relationship with the new guy now, and yet she’s still down to hook up with him.

Coach, I have one question. Once, during our 2nd or 3rd date, she told me she would keep meeting me even if she got married to someone else. At that time, I took it as a sign of attraction, thinking she really liked me.

What did Maya Angelou said? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So let me read what she said. “She told me she would keep meeting me even if she got married to someone else.” In other words, what she told you when you first met is that, “I don’t care if I’m married to somebody else. If I want to fuck you, I’m going to fuck you.” Loyalty doesn’t mean anything to her, and vice versa. If she’s with you in a relationship and she decides she wants to fuck somebody else, she’s going to go fuck somebody else, and she’s not going to feel bad about it probably because she watched people in her family do the same thing to each other and their subsequent partners. You’re not going to fix that. It’s probably best for him to disengage completely, because if he spends time with her and she’s hot, he’s going to continue to want to get back with her.

What’s up, Rock Star? Come over here and say hello to the camera for everybody! So this is Rocky. You guys may have seen him. He’s the boy, and he’s really well behaved. You, on the other hand, you little bitch! This one, Ocean, tends to pee on the floor in the middle of the night, because she can’t hold it, even though she went out at 11 p.m., but Rocky, he’s an angel. He’s the strong, stoic one, and she’s like the neurotic, freaky one, “Right? You’re the freaky one?” They’re great puppies. Excuse me, let me just finish our video newsletter here for the audience, seeing as though you guys wanted attention.

Again, if a girl is telling you, “Oh, I’ll keep seeing you, even though I’m with somebody else or married to somebody else,” that’s her value system right there. You should have believed her. You shouldn’t have just ignored that and pretended like it wasn’t happening.

But looking back now, I think it was a red flag. What do you think?

It was a big fucking red flag. That should have been the red flag to treat her like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits and that’s it, but hey, you’re young, you’re inexperienced. I mean, you got to learn this stuff some way. I only learned it because I got burned enough in life. That’s the beauty of wisdom that comes with age, is eventually you learn this stuff.

Last week, she called me and talked about how her college senior women are getting divorced and having affairs.

So everybody in her life is lying and cheating on their significant others. You are who you associate with. If you’re dating a girl who’s hanging out with people that are lying and cheating on their spouses, or if you’re in a relationship with a girl and she starts hanging out with people that are known liars and cheaters, then probably because they’re very similar, like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other.

She also said everyone gets bored with sex in marriage. What are your thoughts on this, Coach?

Thank you for your guidance.

Bob

Again, she is just continuing to communicate why she’s not loyal, why she’s not going to be faithful to anybody and she doesn’t value loyalty to monogamy. I mean, as young as she is, she already believes that nobody’s loyal and faithful.

Anyways, I remember many years ago I was talking to this guy, I think he was in Italy and he’d been with his girlfriend for five or six years, and he’s constantly cheating on her. I remember talking to him because he had gotten busted, he was real arrogant and kind of condescending about it. He’s like, “Come on, Corey, everybody cheats.” I was like, “Bro, no they don’t. I’ve never once cheated on any girl I’ve been in a relationship with, ever. The difference between me and you is I have character and a sense of honor, and you don’t have it,” and he’s still convinced that everybody’s the same way. That’s what this girl is telling you. She’s convinced that everybody is like this, everybody gets bored and it’s OK to cheat on your spouse because you don’t want to only have one sexual partner for the rest of your life. In other words, she doesn’t value the commitment. She doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, any of it. Right, Rock? Doesn’t value it.

You can’t fix it. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You’re not going to change her. You just got to see reality as it is, not better than it is, like you have been, but as it is. Got to see as it is.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.