How To Spot Liars & Cheaters Early To Avoid Wasted Time & Heartbreak

How to spot liars & cheaters early in dating to avoid wasted time & heartbreak.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 34-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about a year. He recently broke up with a woman he was dating long distance because she was constantly lying and accusing him of being disloyal. Eventually he discovered she had lots of male orbiters and men in the background she kept in contact with because she is insecure and needs male attention and validation in an unhealthy way.

He shares his story and asks how could he have determined she wasn’t loyal earlier in their courtship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is going to be, “How To Spot Liars & Cheaters Early To Avoid Wasted Time & Heartbreak.”

Well, this particular email, this guy is 34. He says he’s been following my work for about a year, and he recently broke up with a woman who was, I guess they were long distance. And what he noticed was he initially early on caught her lying about something. And so they kind of discussed it. They seemed to get past it, but obviously he was on alert. His spidey sense was tingling. And something always felt off about her. And sometimes she would accuse him of being disloyal.

And the one thing about liars and cheaters and just human beings in general, is we all tend to project what’s inside. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And so if you’re dating somebody, especially early on in the relationship, they’re constant and after you become exclusive and they’re accusing you of being disloyal or doing things you shouldn’t, that should make the hair stand up in the back of your neck.

Because that’s typically something that people who are guilty of what they’re accusing you of are actually doing themselves. And so eventually he discovered, because again, they’re long distance. So it’s not like they’re seeing each other every day. She’s coming to his house. He’s going to hers. That type of thing. And so it took him a while to discover what was really going on and what kind of a person she really was. And come to find out, apparently she’s got a bunch of male orbiters.

She got men in the background that she keeps in contact with. Because it’s clear she’s insecure and she needs male attention and validation in an unhealthy way. Girls that are raised and who either had a bad relationship with their father or a non-existent relationship with their father, they tend to seek attention and validation from just men in general. And even when they’re dating or they’re in a relationship, there’s always dudes in the background that she keeps around in case things don’t work out with her current boyfriend.

So he’s broken up with her now after he discovered all this, realized that she wasn’t, she’s just not a loyal person. And he’s like, “hey, how could I have? Here’s my story. Maybe you can enlighten me on anything I could do differently.” Just to discover it. Because, again, he spent a whole year with this girl.

And when you do something like that, you’re going to have great experiences, but you’re also going to, you know, sometimes you’re going to feel like, “man, I just wasted a year of my life with somebody who had low character.” So how do we spot them quicker? One thing we’ve always got to remember is what Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you who they are or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Thanks for your work. I’m 34, and I’ve been following your work for about a year. I’ve studied your book numerous times. I just came out of a toxic dating process that I didn’t realize was toxic until about a month ago.

Well, you got to remember, as I talk about in The Book, 3% Man, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. And so what I mean by that is that if you’re following what’s in The Book and you guys become exclusive typically week six, seven, eight, in most cases, then once she’s in love with you, pretty much she’s going to be at your house just about every night. You’re going to be at hers. You’re going to kind of always be together. That’s what happens in an intimate, close relationship. Is that you end up together as each other’s significant other.

It’s not like you get into a relationship, then you see each other once a week. That’s not a very close, intimate relationship. And so when you spend that much time around somebody where you’re together all the time, or they’re practically living with you, or whether they’re at your house or you’re at theirs. And under most circumstances, if the woman’s happy, she’s going to be calling or texting you, FaceTiming you multiple times a day. Two, three, four times a day, and you’re just going to kind of always be together when you’re not at work or you’re not with friends or whatever.

And so you spend a lot of time around somebody like that, then you’re going to be able to notice because they’re either going to be on their phone or whatever, and just getting to know them. Then you’re going to kind of see how they really are. But the wrinkle that this guy had was that they were long distance. And so he wasn’t able to physically spend a lot of time with him, with his girl. And so it took the better part of a year for him to really figure out what her true nature was. But there were some clues early on. But you just can’t take one bad instance and just assume that’s everything. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Thanks for your work. I’m 34, and I’ve been following your work for about a year. I’ve studied your book numerous times. I just came out of a toxic dating process that I didn’t realize was toxic until about a month ago. The relationship lasted around ¾ of a year and was long-distance. When I met her, I was still in an open situationship, which I ended immediately after two months due to a date cancellation. She expressed interest in something serious, and we went exclusive.

So again, keep in mind they’re just going to be kind of long distance. So it’s just going to take you more time because you’re just not spending, you’re not around each other enough to really discover what she’s like, you know? Especially like you fly into town, you’re there for a weekend and then boom, you’re flying back. Most normal people that have a normal job, they’re just not going to be able to take a week or two off at a time like I’ve been able to do over the course of my life. But that’s the advantage you have when you make your own schedule.

At first, she seemed great: reliable, open to criticism, good at communication, always happy, and very affectionate.

So that’s the image that she wanted him to buy obviously. It sounds like he made that purchase.

However, after about 4 months, I caught her lying.

That’s not good.

She explained it well, so I gave her one last chance and forgave her but didn’t forget about it.

Well, remember, character tends to be destiny.

Over time, more inconsistencies surfaced, but I didn’t take them seriously. She lied to her best friends, hid things, and didn’t act like she wanted to act.

Yeah. When you see those kinds of things, she’s just lying. She’s just a habitual liar. Character is destiny. And you can’t just ignore that and think, “well, I can work with this.” But it’s hard when you’re in this situation. You really care about a girl. You love her especially. You know, you get six months a year down the road. You’re like, “man, I got all this time invested. Everybody knows her. Just to blow it up like that. And then I got to explain to everybody why we’re not together again. Well, maybe I’ll just see how things go.” And then you talk yourself into sticking around. So it’s pretty clear at this point. She’s got a consistent history of being a habitual liar.

She often doubted my feelings for her, which made me suspicious. Low self-esteem?

Well, somebody that doesn’t think highly of themselves, and especially a liar and a cheater. That’s one of the reasons that they always got orbiters in the background. Is they presuppose that things are not going to work out. They always assume the worst because they were emotionally conditioned and anchored in childhood to not get the love that they wanted consistently from their parents. And so that’s just how they operate. And so when they’re not talking to you, or they become worried or fearful, their feelings come out and they typically project them onto you, and in essence, accuse you of doing what they’re guilty of.

Because it’s very draining and it’s tiring to be in a relationship with a woman who just constantly needs reassurance. And so you can’t just say, “I love you” or give her a compliment when it’s from your heart you often find yourself doing those things because you’re trying to reassure her that you care, because she’s got a low self-esteem or no self-confidence, or she came from a broken home, those kinds of things.

I tried to communicate openly with her about my concerns. She assured me she focused solely on one person. Despite her assurances, my doubts didn’t fade.

Yeah, his spidey sense was tingling. His gut was going, “Yeah. Something’s not right.” So when you feel that. You should trust that. You should trust that intuition and keep your eyes open. Don’t be getting into La La Land and pedestalizing a girl, because then you make huge mistakes. You just blow past all the red flags, and then when you, are going off the cliff because the bridge is out and you’ve ignored all the signs, it’s, you know, that’s on you.

My doubts didn’t fade. Even when things seemed to be going well. After about 6 months, she introduced me to her family, but soon after, she began to withdraw. This triggered my anxiety, and I felt like I was back in a toxic relationship. She had excuses for pulling back.

So that tells me you’re confronting her about it. These are things to just notice. Maybe you displayed some unattractive behavior. And when you see that she pulls back, trying to talk her into using logic and reason to being as warm and as attracted as she was before is completely useless. Don’t make her your mommy or your therapist, or make her deal with your issues, or the fact that you’re triggered and your anxiety. It’s like, you know, a lot of times these guys talk about their anxiety as if it’s something that they have no control over. You can choose to be anxious, or you can choose to let go and just hang back and let things happen. And so that becomes an art.

I mean, if you read The Book, you know, I obviously was feeling very anxious when I was younger because the fear is the same primary fear as we all have, which is fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. Or fear that we won’t be loved by our significant other, friends, family, whatever it may be. And so all human beings have these two primary fears. But if you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, then those fears of not being loved are going to be harder to deal with. And that’s something that’s an art.

And as I wrote about in my Book, eventually you get to the point. It’s like you got to kind of punch through that wall of fear, and let go of things and let go of the worrying, even though over time you’ll still feel it. But when you’re applying what’s in The Book and you’re dating a normal, healthy woman and you have enough time in with her to see the patterns in The Book showing up in your relationship. Then over time, that’s what builds your confidence. That’s what gives you swagger. That’s what causes you to be calm, because you really get to a point where you just let go of it. You give your intentions, you give your invitations on things you want to do, and then you just let the chips fall where they may. If a girl becomes kind of cold or distant, you don’t take it personally.

You’re not triggered by that. You just assume she’s pulling back like a kitty cat. And after a few days away from you or not hearing from you, she’ll be back more excited than ever. But if she backs away, then you kind of freak out about it or get triggered, as this guy says, then you’re going to probably start to chase and try to fix things. And then, like this guy, “I had to confront her about her why is she pulling back. What is wrong?” Like I have to fix something. But it’s not a good conversation to have. But if you haven’t dated enough women and had enough relationships and enough pattern recognition from applying what’s in The Book, you’re still going to struggle.

Starting therapy for the first time and struggling with her emotions. I didn’t believe her.

Because again, she’s a known liar. So how could you believe anything she says? Especially when you notice she’s lying to her friends and family and other people.

During that time, I also learned she had a significant problem with alcohol.

Yeah, if you’re long distance and you only see each other on the weekend, you’re getting the image that she wants to present to you. So it’s a lot harder to discover all the flaws and faults.

When our intimacy decreased, I decided to gather information to protect myself. I wanted to be sure if I was being paranoid or if my intuition was right. Eventually, I caught her maintaining contact with her old flames.

Yeah. So as you acted unattractive, what did she do? She starts calling the exes or the male orbiters and hanging out. And plus, you’re in a different part of the country so she can pretty much get away with this and feel comfortable that you’re not going to discover it. Because you pretty much don’t know anybody in her city. So again, that just makes it a lot harder when you’re doing long distance to discover these things. But to his credit, he was listening to his intuition. So she’s maintaining the contact with the flames.

I broke up with her but put the blame on myself, saying I was too paranoid from past relationships. It was a strategic move because I wanted to see how far she’d go with her lies. She kept gaslighting me, even offering to show me her phone, but it was clear she was hiding things. Very manipulative, though. The final straw came when she snapped at me for texting my best friend before we said goodbye: “Which chica are you texting?” I stayed calm because I knew the truth. I cut off contact immediately and felt like I truly saw her for the first time that day. Very poor girl. What can I do better next time?

Well, ideally date somebody that lives ten 15 minutes away, instead of a plane ride away. Because that’s going to really push out the timeline. Plus it’s expensive. It’s expensive to hop on a plane and travel back and forth, you know, because you really can’t have her over at your house. I mean, you can get an Airbnb in the city, but usually you’re going to go stay with her. Unless, of course, she lives with family or something. And then in the beginning, it’s like he noticed he caught her lying. And then eventually, at some point, he discovered she was lying to everybody, lying to her friends, lying to people close to her.

I don’t know, he didn’t say when he discovered that. But when you notice that just habitual lying to everybody and betraying people that are closest to her. And then on top of that, his spidey sense is tingling. Then you should kind of notice that things are not as well as you thought they were. But it’s hard to let go of the fantasy that you project onto another person and admit that you screwed up because the ego doesn’t like it. Plus, nobody wants to go through a breakup. Breakups suck. They’re not a lot of fun.

My goal is to end things at the first sign of lying. In some way, I’m glad it happened this way because I can learn from it. Now I want to learn more about my emotions, past traumas, self-trust and intuition. I’m reading the book, “Letting Go.” It helps me a lot.

Yeah, that’s a big part of what’s in my Book. And getting good with the concepts is, learning to take the action you need to take, and then just to back off and let the chips fall where they may, and give the woman the opportunity to follow through on her plans and commitments to you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.

Fun fact: She and the woman before her had many similarities to my ex and my past toxic relationships.

Best regards and thank you,

Bob

So that’s another thing. If you keep attracting the same person over and over, then there’s things that you’re noticing. Like if you’ve had toxic relationships or women that lied to you, or in this case, she was gaslighting him. He noticed the dishonesty early on, but yet he continued dating her. And so on some level maybe he thought he’s either going to change her or fix her, or maybe it was just a one off. But when you spot the dishonest behavior, it’s like, it’s typically who they are. Character is destiny.

And you’re just not going to be able to fix that. It’s not your job to fix that. I mean, love cannot exist where there is no trust. And if somebody is lying to you and then you notice they’re lying to people closest to them, and they’re an adult, that’s just a pattern. That’s a pattern that’s easy to recognize. And you can’t just sweep that under the rug and then be surprised when they lie to you and betray you when it was so obvious. Or in his case, he forgave her. He didn’t forget, as he said, but eventually she did it again. And so that’s when you tap out.

I mean, it seems kind of obvious at least maybe six months in that she was dishonest. But if they lived in the same city and she’s ten, 15 minutes away, then he should have been able to find that out within the first couple of months of dating before they got serious. So, I mean, that’s all you, you know. The other thing is, where are you meeting people? Because if you’re constantly meeting dishonest people, then, that you know, you are who you associate with.

So maybe you look at your own circle of friends and your own peer group, because if you tolerate dishonest people in your peer group, you’re basically given a signal to the universe that you want more of that kind of behavior, and the universe will give you exactly what you intend. It’s definitely something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.