How To Tell If She’s Just Using You For Attention & Validation

How to tell if a woman is just using you for attention & validation & not serious about dating.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who asks if he’s doing everything wrong with a woman he’s trying to date or if she’s just playing him for a fool. He’s been jumping through his butt to please, see and potentially move to where she lives for five years. They’ve never slept together. She accuses him of not caring.

He recently found out she’s been living with her abusive ex this whole time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this email is kind of a bit of a doozy because it goes on for five years.

So this poor guy has been jumping through his butt to please, see and potentially move to where this woman lives. For five years, they’ve never slept together, and this woman is just absolutely gaslighting the hell out of this poor guy and he’s fallen for every line of BS from her hook, line and sinker. I mean, this guy’s considering considered moving to where she was. He says, “OK, now I’m ready to move,” and she’s like, “Oh, you shouldn’t do that.” Then he moves to Florida and he’s like, “Hey, this is where I am. You should come visit me.” She’s like, “Oh well, if you were really serious about me, you would have moved here.” He found out recently that during this whole time, she’s been living with her supposedly abusive ex-boyfriend. Yet on top of it, he’s kind of saying, basically, “Have I been doing everything wrong?” Which obviously that’s a yes and, “Is she playing me?” The answer to that is also yes.

He’s definitely not following what’s in the book, because if you’re a good student of the book 3% Man, which is free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter, put your name, your email address and create a password, and the book will open up right in your web browser so you can start learning what I teach, but the book is not going to help you if you read it, and you do the opposite. If you follow a chick all over the country, basically, you plan on uprooting your life and all you barely got was a peck on the cheek? Because she always had an excuse as to why she couldn’t be intimate, and then she would gaslight him and basically tell him it was his fault.

You gotta watch out, because there are low character people in society. There are a lot of them. Most people you’re going to encounter are kind of garbage humans. They don’t really give a shit about you. Occasionally you’re going to come across chicks like this, who you could say he was probably part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project, because she’s not happy with the ex, but she likes this guy’s attention. She hangs out with him. He probably buys her things. He spends money on her. She gives him a hug and a peck on the cheek, dangles the carrot and then doesn’t actually follow through on anything. So he’s not doing what he should be doing with this woman. He’s not following the book and he’s getting absolutely jerked around for it.

So let’s go through this email because it’s just a good email of like what some guys go through. I know it’s kind of an extreme example, but these women are out there in society. You got to remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Whatever you tolerate, you’re going to invite more of. You got to look at what a woman does, not what she says. You should not spend five years of your life trying to date and hook up with a girl and all you get is a peck on the cheek or an occasional bit of kissy-poo. This guy looks like he’s put on his personal life on hold for a woman who has been lying and gaslighting him for five years. On top of that, he says he’s read the book nine times, but again, if he’s going to do the opposite of it, he shouldn’t be surprised that he is where he is.

Viewer Email:

Hi, Coach!

I’ve read your book nine times. Five years ago, I started seeing a girl who had stood me up a year earlier.

So there’s a first time. She stands you up and jerks you around. She didn’t really give a shit. She don’t respect you. She doesn’t respect your time. So that’s obviously a major red flag right away. Doc Love’s attitude is, if a girl cancels a date with no explanation, or worse, she stands you up, she’s done for life. One chance per girl, per lifetime, because again, this is an extreme example, but you’re just going to see like, damn dude, over five years and you didn’t get an inkling that something was off here? That you were just getting punked?

We hung out from October to December while she prepared to move to California for nursing school…

Ah, there it is! She’s a nurse. Nurses are one of the top five professions of lying, cheating and disloyalty. So what is she? She’s a traveling nurse. She’s going to move to California to be a nurse. So when we see her behavior, which I mean, she has a boyfriend she lives with, which she never told this guy because supposedly she was no longer with that dude, yet she was with him the whole time. So she’s a liar, potentially a cheater, not somebody you should associate with or get involved with. Again, if she stands you up like that and and nothing happens, it doesn’t progress, don’t waste your time.

…And to “take care of some things,” though she wouldn’t explain.

So there, she’s being secretive.

She made me wait 3–4 dates to kiss her…

Well, you complied with that. That’s a structured woman. So she’s probably doing that on purpose to get you hooked just to manipulate you.

Again, there’s reasons why the rules are in the book the way they are. It’s to help you weed these garbage humans out so you don’t waste five years of your fucking life with them, getting nowhere and just spending a bunch of money and time. Especially if you’re telling your friends and family about the supposed person you’re dating, yet nothing’s really going on between you, “Hey, what’s up with that girl you’re dating?” “Well, it’s kind of complicated, mom.” “Like how so, son?”

…Then said I didn’t respect her and seemed like I just wanted sex, even though she initiated most of the time.

So I mean, you got to have a better, more playful, again, you keep going out on dates, the book says you go to kiss her and she won’t, she gives you the cheek, you don’t call or text her again for any reason. You just walk away after that. That’s just like the Adam Carolla quote that’s in the beginning of the book, “When a woman likes you, the door is open and all you gotta do is walk through them. If the doors start closing in your face, you walk away.” Well, her turning the cheek, especially three to four dates, and you kept calling her, asking her out and kept pursuing, you shouldn’t have done that. That’s in the book to save you from this nonsense, but you didn’t listen. You didn’t follow it.

We never slept together. Neither of us had our own place. She said she was very turned on, but pushed my hand away. 

She’s gaslighting you. She’s just knows that you’re thirsty for her. So she’s spending this time with you, going out on dates, you’re spending your money, you’re touching each other. Yet she lives with her boyfriend. Again, you didn’t notice at the time, but that’s what a ratchet person she is. She don’t care. She ain’t loyal to nobody, and you were part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project.

So you’re the guy that she hung out with. You probably spend money on her. You take her places, you wine her and dine her, and all she has to do is give you a few BS excuses and you buy all of them. So she knows you’re gullible and you’ll never stand up to her, and that’s why she keeps doing it because you’re giving her attention and validation that she’s not able to get enough of it from her supposed live-in boyfriend. Probably she comes from a broken home and was starved for male attention growing up because daddy wasn’t around. So this is how she obtains male interest and male attention, is to have a Frankenstein boyfriend project, because dad never taught her how men are supposed to be and treat them.

She often said all her relationships began as friendships…

Again, that’s in the book. A woman says she wants to be friends first, you’re like, “Nah, I’m not interested in that. Hit me up. We can be friends with benefits, but I’m not going to do just platonic only. If you want to do friends with benefits, we can, that’d be great, but if you want to do platonic friends only, no thanks.”

…But I told her I wasn’t interested in being just friends. We’d stop talking, and she’d return because I never chased.

Well, at that point, if you say, “No, thank you” to friendship and then you go, no contact and she reaches out, she has to come to your place to make dinner in the evening, but you don’t have a place because you don’t have your life together. At least, at this point in time.

Once, she called me 10 minutes after a date to say we weren’t compatible.

Just gaslighting and manipulating him.

Still, I told her I loved her before she left.

It’s like, bro, you said you read the book nine times. Well, maybe that was after all this happened, but it’s like, come on! This is how when you get involved with a narcissist, this is what they do. They know how to manipulate you and get you hooked, because they just want the attention and the stuff that you do for them. They don’t actually want you.

She didn’t say it back, but admitted years later she regretted it.

Sure she did. That’s a load of fucking bullshit from her.

After moving, she said she was mad I didn’t get us an apartment, even though we weren’t official.

Jesus, he is literally buying every line of bullshit she’s throwing in his direction.

I tried visiting based on her availability, but she canceled.

Again, if you’re making dates and she’s cancelling, it’s a bad way to go, dude.

A week later, she said I should’ve just come without reassurance.

Well, it sounds like you were calling to verify dates. If you made plans, he probably texted her and said, “Hey, are we still on?” Again, I don’t know how long he’d known her for and been out with her, but he’s going to go fly to see her and buys a ticket. He doesn’t go, “Hey, are we still on? I bought my ticket,” like no, I’m gonna cancel just because she knew she could get away with it so it gets her off. Makes her feel a little powerful that she can manipulate this guy and have him wrapped around her finger, and she doesn’t have to do anything for it.

So in April 2021, I flew to California unannounced. She called me selfish, saw me for one hour in three days, barely responded, and got upset when I left.

I think this is the most gaslighting I’ve ever seen in one email. Yet this poor guy kept buying every line of bullshit she threw at him.

Later, she praised a TV character who moved for love and called it “sexy and masculine.”

This girl is a master manipulator, my God. She is not a good person. This sounds like a woman that’s going to like, end up in jail for writing bad checks or something, or scamming some old lady out of her life savings.

She said she wished I’d done everything possible to keep her from leaving, but I wanted someone who also chose me.

Well, the problem was you were ignoring that she wasn’t choosing you and you kept coming back for more. “Thank you. May I have another, please? Please abuse me some more.”

In November 2021, I visited again.

Why? Why? You fly to see this woman and she only sees you for like an hour, and you’re there for three days twiddling your thumbs. You got no respect for yourself, no respect for your time. If you don’t respect yourself and you don’t respect your time, nobody else will either. That’s why she’s doing it, because she’s a fucking energy vampire, she’s a garbage human, and she gets off on this. She definitely got some daddy issues. You act weak, you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch.

We had a good four days, but I never saw where she lived and she never stayed over.

Well, duh!

She said she was on her period, and though I tried to initiate, nothing happened.

Four days of basically entertaining her, and then she goes home to fuck her boyfriend that she lives with that night. So the boyfriend probably doesn’t do anything for other than have sex with her and keep her committed and under lock down. He probably doesn’t have a lot of money. So that’s what you’re for, is to take her out on dates, do fun things and keep her busy while her boyfriend is working or doing whatever the hell he’s doing. You’re like her side piece. She doesn’t have to do anything for you. She just dangles the carrot and you’re fucking hypnotized.

In early 2022, I told her I was ready to move.

The only reason you move to another state is because you really want to live there. Not for a girl. 99% of the time when you move for a girl, it’s going to end in disaster and getting jerked around. Which, as you’ll see, he does that too.

She told me not to, saying she might not stay in California. But she did.

She just didn’t want you to move there because that would complicate her life.

I visited again in June without telling her and got stonewalled.

Again, multiple times you’re showing up, and she acts like she don’t want you there, because she really doesn’t want you there. She just loves the attention you’re giving her. The supply of attention.

I started seeing other women who matched the 3 H’s but felt guilty and bored.

You shouldn’t feel guilty. This woman is giving you nothing.

Meanwhile, she spoke cryptically, saying she didn’t want “one foot in two states,” suggesting splitting an apartment, then backing out within 24 hours when I didn’t offer money right away without being asked.

So she’s always, “Send me some money and I’ll get us an apartment.” Dude, she was trying to scam you out of money, blowing sunshine up your butt about getting an apartment together, and all she wanted to do was rip you off. You gotta have some self-respect, dude. Come on, man!

In June 2023, I booked a trip. She ghosted me. That’s when I found out she’d been living with her ex the whole time, the one she said was abusive.

Huh. Imagine that! She lied to you. What a big shock.

I brought it up six months later. When I told her I got my own place in Florida, she flipped it, asked why I hadn’t moved for her if she was special to me. She ignored the ex. Calls only came from her car, texts took weeks, and she said she thought about me daily but had fears.

Oh my God, that’s like, the amount of bread crumbing that this woman is doing. Oh my God, she just has to give you a tiny little bit of scrap and it’s like catnip. God, bro. Have some self respect.

She accused me of being with other women and said we couldn’t even be friends. I reminded her she lived with her ex. Her reply, “If you were the one, you wouldn’t have touched anyone else.” We’re now two weeks into no-contact. If she reaches out, what’s the move?

Bob

Uh honestly, dude, a normal friend would pull you aside and say, “Dude, she’s a psycho. Block her.” Never get involved with somebody like this. She’s a liar. She’s a cheater. She’s a fucking hoe. She belongs to the streets. Plain and simple. However, if you’re crazy, if she reaches out, you’d be like, “What’s up?” “Oh, I miss you. I’m thinking about you.” I would be like, “Great! If you’re serious about it, because we’ve known each other five years, you can book a plane ticket and fly to come see me.” She goes, “Well, if you really cared, you’d send me a ticket.” I would be like, “No, I’m open to giving you one more chance, but you’re gonna have to buy your own ticket. Send me your itinerary, and I’ll happily pick you up at the airport and we can hang out, we can make love together all weekend, but I’m not doing anything platonic with you ever again. If you want to see me, you can book a ticket. Otherwise, it’s been nice knowing you. I wish you all the best. Good luck in your life. Good luck with the abusive ex that you’re living with. Goodbye!” That’s what should happen.

Say she actually does book a ticket and come see you, hang out, have fun, hook up. When she leaves, “Hey, call me later.” Never ever reach out to her for any reason, under any circumstance, ever again. She must reach out 100% of the time. She’s a ratchet human. I would block her everywhere and move on with my life and say, “Man, I dodged a bullet there,” but if you’re one of those nutty guys who likes these nutty women and you don’t feel too much like a chump and you’re really thirsty for her, she’s got to come to you. She’s got to pay for her own ticket. Don’t buy any fucking bullshit for her.

Say, “If you’re serious,” she’ll book a ticket. She’ll probably turn it around and you go, “Well, if you really wanted me and you were committed, you would fly me out there.” It’s like, “No, I’m not doing that. I flown out to see you countless times and you haven’t lifted a finger. We’ve never even made love. So unless you’re willing to hop on a plane, come to see me, make mad, passionate love all weekend, I don’t want to hear from you ever again for any fucking reason. Go waste somebody else’s time. Go gaslight somebody else, because until you’re here and we’re making love, I don’t believe anything you say. You have been totally dishonest. You’ve been a total liar, but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt one more time. Book a ticket, send me your itinerary, and I’ll pick you up at the airport and we can have a wonderful weekend together. If that’s too much to ask, you can’t afford it, whatever your reason is, I don’t care. Lose my number. It’s been real.” Then in the conversation, say, “You got my email. You got my number. You can text me your itinerary. I’ll pick you up at the airport.” Plain and simple.

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