How To Transition From Casual Dating To Committed Relationship

How to transition from casual dating & hooking up to a committed relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24 year old viewer who is now dating a woman longer than anyone else he’s dated before because he usually gets dumped by now. His mindset and limiting beliefs are causing him to doubt himself and potentially self sabotage the potential relationship. He asks my opinion because he worries he’s in a downward spiral. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter in the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “How To Transition From Casual Dating To Committed Relationship.”

Well this particular email is from a guy, he’s 24 and he’s now dating a woman longer than he’s dating anybody else because he says he usually gets dumped by now. So he’s had the experience that a lot of us guys have when we don’t know any better, is we talk, text and basically chase women that we like, and who like us, right out of our lives, to the point where they don’t want anything to do with us anymore. And so what you’re going to see in this email is what everybody’s got to kind of deal with.

It’s you got to get used to your new reality. You got to get used to the reality of what’s in The Book and seeing it show up in your life. And since he’s further on down the road with his girl than he has been with anybody else, his mindset is a little off and he’s potentially sabotaging things. And so there’s a chapter in my book that goes through how women are like cats, men tend to be like dogs.

And you shouldn’t get upset or butthurt whether she stays, whether she goes, you’re going to notice sometimes women are really into you, and then you spend a bunch of time together, and then it almost seems like they’re bored and they’re looking forward to going off and doing something else that doesn’t include you. And that’s not something you should take personally. But if you’re not used to it, and especially like in this case, like, I know, like when I was growing up, I didn’t get enough hugs and I love you ‘s from mom and dad so it makes you needy, it makes you a little clingy.

It makes you constantly seek attention and validation and trying to constantly see where you stand with her. And guys that don’t know any better just can’t handle it when they notice a woman’s interest is not as excited as it was before. So that’s why I talk about in The Book, you should match and mirror that. It’s just the way women are, especially around that time of the month when their hormones change, their emotions change. And as a man, you just can’t get upset one way or another.

And the only way to get through this is to spend enough time with somebody like this who sticks around, because you have to see that what’s in the book shows up in your life repeatedly, where you also notice that she’s really into you, really excited to be with you. And then after you spend a bunch of time together, she’s not as excited. You can’t take it personally. It’s just kind of the ebb and flow of things. You should never get upset at a woman’s changing moods or emotions or enthusiasm for you, it’s just something to take notice of.

And to question yourself maybe you did something, maybe you said something that was unattractive. Maybe you acted a little needy, a little clingy, maybe you can communicated you were way more into her than she was into you. Typically, when you do things like that, you should expect to pull back. But you just have to go through it enough to where she pulls back in a couple of days goes by and you don’t hear from her. You’re biting your nails thinking, oh, I’m never going to hear from her again.

And then after three days or four days, she reaches back out. When that happens several dozen times over the course of a year or so, and you just get used to it, you kind of see it coming on and it doesn’t bother you anymore. But you have to go through it. You have to get the repetitions because repetition is the mother of skill. As the great

Aristotle said, “Excellence is not a singular act, it is a habit. You are what you do repeatedly.” And so if you’ve always been the guy that chased the girl away, you have to get used to a new reality of her sticking around and you knowing what to do to cause her to want to stick around.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,



Greetings from Germany. First of all, I want to sincerely thank you for your amazing work. It has helped me clear out emotional baggage from past dating experiences and given me great tools for the future. 
I discovered your work two months ago, finished my second read-through, take daily notes, and watch your videos regularly.

Well, you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times, Dude. Don’t be one of those lazy guys that gets into a relationship and reads The Book a couple times and is like, I got it. Then six, eight months, 12 months later, when you really need the relationship and the communication skills, you never take the time to learn them, and you really need them. And then your relationship blows apart, and it’s only once things are about to end or they have ended that most guys come back to the book.

So put the time in with The Book, really learn it, really master it. Because two reads is not enough, especially just based on your behavior. You got to learn what you’re doing, what you’re saying. That’s turning women off. Because if you don’t, you’ll make mistakes and you’ll keep turning them off, and eventually you’ll chase her out of your life as well. But the good news is, you made a lot of progress.

I’m a 24-year-old Master’s Student in Engineering. I met a girl about three months ago through online dating. We live in different cities and usually see each other once or twice a week, often when she visits her family near my place. Her interest was very high at the beginning, I’d say an eight.

If you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

She chased me, constantly texted me, called me cute nicknames, and made setting up definitive dates very easy.

Well women help you when they like you.

She’s constantly texting me throughout the day even after out next date is planned and she always finds new topics to talk about. I try to strike a good balance by being not too available while not ignoring her.

Yeah, it’s really an art and you just have to spend enough time going through it. And this is what typically happens is they like you more. They call and text you. You’re a little further apart. And it doesn’t sound like she’s ten 15 minutes away. So it’s a little harder to get together. But under normal circumstances, when you’re in a city and she’s calling and texting you and you’ve been dating for about six, seven, eight weeks, she should be, if you’re following what’s in The Book, in love with you, and she’ll just kind of be with you all the time.

It’ll just be a natural progression. You’ll notice as the weeks go by, she calls more, she texts more, it happens throughout the day. And oftentimes you can just say, “hey, come over.” And you make dinner. You hang out that night. You don’t have to make official dates like you did in the initial first few weeks you were dating. You’ll still make dates where you take her out and you do things, but there’ll be many times where she’ll just come by, or she’ll come over and she’ll stay the night or whatever.

But it’s a natural progression. It happens slowly. And that’s why, as The Book says, you just start out taking measured steps one date per week. That’s it. And then she starts calling and texting you. You don’t really have to reach out much anymore, because women will get to the point where they’re doing it multiple times a day. And this way, when it gets to that point, they’re the ones initiating it. The relationship is going at their pace.

And that’s what makes them feel safe and comfortable. And it gives enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you. And for their feelings to grow. Because mostly, their interest in you goes up when you’re not around each other. It’s counterintuitive, but that’s just the way it works.

Things changed after our fifth date. After some drinks, I slipped into needy behavior by asking about her relationship goals. Although her dating profile stated she was looking for a long-term relationship, my question made her feel off.

Well again. This is why he read The Book twice so he doesn’t know The Book backwards and forwards, he doesn’t understand the subtle nuances. And as it says in The Book, the relationship topic is her idea. You got to let her bring it up. Instead he had a couple cocktails, got a little dopey, started focusing on the future. And with most guys, they talk too much about the future. And when they do that, they end up lowering their chances of actually being in a future with her. So as you’ll see, she kind of backed off a little bit and he could tell he kind of screwed up.

Because what he’s really doing, he’s looking for validation. He’s trying to find out where he stands with her. So he’s focusing on a relationship because he’s already decided after five dates he wants a relationship with her. And women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. And when you over communicate your interest and she’s not in the same place, you should expect a pullback. Because what’s happening is you’re starting to act like a girl and that ruins the sexual polarity.

Although her dating profile stated she was looking for a long-term relationship, my question made her feel off. She later explained she was dating to find a relationship but needed time to test things first.

So right there, women help you when they like you and so she’s telling you that she needs time. In other words, there’s a process to her falling in love. And so what’s going on now is you’re trying to move things faster than she’s ready for. And so that kind of freaked you out because things are going along smoothly. But again, he only went through The Book twice. He kind of probably missed the part or glossed over or maybe completely ignored the fact that the woman is supposed to bring up the relationship part, but now he’s starting to do it because he’s acting needy, because he’s fearful it’s never going to happen. But when you do that, you start acting like a girl and it ruins the sexual polarity. It’s not going to help her like you more.

It’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And when you overcommunicate your interests and your feelings, you’re going to get a pullback. You’re going to see diminished interest and enthusiasm. And that can freak you out if you do it like this guy’s done, you should just recognize, “okay, I need to pump the brakes a little bit and back off and maybe take a little bit longer to return her messages.” Or push out the next time that I see her a little further in the future, be a little less available, be a little unpredictable.

After that, she didn’t contact me for two days, but eventually reached out asking why I hadn’t messaged her.

So this is what happened. He displayed some needy behavior which communicates he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be with her. And that’s the opposite of confidence, which is the one thing that women find most attractive in men is confidence. And so when you act unconfident and unsure of yourself, you’re going to turn her off. You’re going to dry her up again. This is laid out in the book, but again, he’s only gotten through it twice it looks like. When did he say he started following me? I think he said earlier this year.

I stayed calm, said I was busy, and arranged our next date.

Which is the right thing to do. So when a woman says, how come you didn’t reach out? I was like, oh, sorry babe, I’ve just been really jammed up the last few days, but I really want to see you. It’s nice to hear your voice again. What’s your schedule like? That’s all it is. When she says, oh, why didn’t you reach out? So what does that tell you? Why is she bringing that up? Because she’s concerned. It’s better if she’s the one worried about where she stands with you than the other way around. You see how that works? He’s freaking out for those 2 or 3 days, going, oh, my God, I’m never going to hear from her again. And then she reaches out and she’s like, hey, how come I didn’t hear from you?

She was a bit colder during that date and tested me a lot but warmed up over time because I stayed centered and decisive.

Yeah, you see, just a little slip up. You overcommunicate your interests, you act a little needy like he says, and then he doesn’t hear from her for several days. This is the way it goes. Because it’s always better if she thinks she likes you more than you like her. And when it’s the other way around, they tend to back off, which is exactly what she did. This is as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

So this is going to happen in a microcosm all throughout the time that you’re with her. But when you’re comfortable with yourself and she disappears for 2 or 3 days like that, you should be glad when you’ve been together a long time, you’re like, ah, I know I can get caught up. I can clean my garage out. I can catch up on some errands. I can go have some beers with the boys.

Since then, we’ve continued seeing each other and being intimate every time, but I’ve noticed a decline in her enthusiasm: fewer nicknames, less affection, and occasional distance.

Well, I would say that’s partly due to the fact that he’s more into her now than he was initially. So he’s still, whether he realizes it or not, he’s still over pursuing. He’s still coming off as needy. And she could sense that, that he likes her more than she likes him. And that typically causes women to go, “I’m confused.” And they tend to back off a little bit. You can’t take it personally. You just got to look at it and go, hey, you know what? She’s not as excited as she was before. Scarcity creates value, so take a little bit longer to reply. Send fewer responses and your text exchanges. You know, he’s probably getting a little sloppy in other areas, but again, he’s only been through the book twice, so he’s not really sure about other things he’s doing wrong. Because again, he hasn’t really spent the time, enough time with the book.

I think he said he’d been following me for two months. So once when you figure you can put the Audiobook on 2X and then follow along in a digital physical copy, and you get through it in about four hours. And in two months, he’s barely gotten through it twice. He can do better. If he was really serious about it, it would really help him if he spent the time with the book, especially now learning these things instead of being lazy and half-assing it and trying to cherry pick in videos. Because this is what happens. You half-ass it, the woman backs off, you’re not really sure what to do, and then you kind of freak out and you go into an emotional tailspin.

I stayed patient and matched her energy without chasing and continued setting dates.

 Our time together and the sex remained great until recently. After a fun night out, we returned to my place. She complained a lot, felt insecure about her looks, despite being gorgeous, and was tired. I tried to lift her mood, complimented her, and gave her a massage. We ended up having sex, but it felt passionless, with me doing most of the work.

Well. Sometimes you do need to do the work. Sometimes you’re going to want to. When you’re in a long term relationship, sometimes you’re going to have to fuck her when you don’t really feel like it, because you need to keep her happy.

She slept poorly, blamed it on my moving in bed, and was moody the next morning.

So she’s being kind of bitchy. Why do women typically become bitchy? Because they think you’re soft and squishy, or you did something that caused them to not respect you. You’re probably acting like a bitch at times, and you don’t really know what you’re doing and saying to act like a bitch. That’s why she acts bitchy. But the good news is…

Later that day, she apologized for her bad attitude.

Yeah, when she’s doing that, you say, usually you’re always really nice to me and you’re just kind of cranky and mean today. What’s up with that? You gotta be nice to me. I want a girl that’s nice to me. I want to deal with a chick with an attitude.

While I appreciate her apology, I can’t shake the feeling that things are in a slow downward spiral.

Because this is what’s always happened in the past. So she’s backing off and again, reading The Book and Immersing yourself in it would really help calm your nerves, because you’re cherry picking. And this is what happens when you cherry pick and you don’t follow instructions.

I’ve never dated someone for this long without getting dumped, and I genuinely feel a strong spiritual and physical bond with her.

Well, stop focusing so much on how much you like her and feel about her, and pay attention to how she feels about you. Because at the end of the day, women don’t care how much you like them. They don’t care what a good guy you are or how handsome you are, or how big your bank account is. The only thing they care about is how they feel about you. And so with your behavior, because now your emotions are engaged and you like her more than you did when you met her. There’s more downside risks than there was in the beginning.

So it gets harder to do more things right than wrong. It gets harder to apply what’s in The Book. And it’s really hard when you’ve only been through it twice. And now you’re in the middle of dating somebody you really like. So you’re trying to course correct by being lazy when you’re several months into dating this girl.

My instincts tell me to stay unbothered, stay focused on my mission, and just enjoy my time with her while going out, having fun and hooking up.

I would truly appreciate any advice you could offer.

Thank you again, Coach Corey.
Bob

Again, the big part of it is you just haven’t spent the time with The Book. And then the other thing is you don’t have enough experience. You don’t have enough experience noticing the ebb and flow of things going back and forth like this. Or sometimes you’re like in the beginning it was really sure of himself. But as soon as he started overcommunicating his interest, she started backing off a little bit. And if I look at her actions and I look at how he’s reacting to it, on some level he’s still doing it. He’s still a little needy.

He’s still communicating his interest too much, and he’s communicating too much that he’s more into her than she’s into him. And so that makes him feel uncomfortable because he’s not really naturally in the sweet spot yet. And so again, that’s why I encourage you to to spend the time with The Book. I mean, it’s free to read in the Members Area of the Website. Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter. It’s totally free.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our Paying Members Only Content our Premium Content in the video description of this Video, there are links to join on YouTube or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there and sign up for a seven day free trial. And if you choose the annual plan, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s premium up front at the end of the seven day free trial. So go there now. Understandingrelationships.com click the “plans” tab. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.