How To Use Indifference & Mystery To Get Her Hooked On You

How to use indifference & mystery to get her hooked on you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30-year-old viewer who’s been following my work for years. He writes about how he was surprised that he got ghosted by a girl that knocked his socks off when he tried to set the second date.

I point out where he went wrong and deviated too much from the principles in 3% Man. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who didn’t do that, even though he says he’s been following me for several years, when we look at how he operated on this first date, especially right after the first date, obviously came off as a little too overeager.

I say it all the time. You’re trying to go slightly slower than the woman is, and the book is designed to help you be unpredictable and mysterious. A man who’s taken his time, a guy that she has time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, and for her feelings to develop. This guy said that they had a first date that he thought was great. They kissed a couple times and she told him she didn’t like PDA. So that tells me that he’s kissing her when she’s not open to it, but in his eyes, she just totally knocked his socks off.

So she was probably like his Kryptonite. He just basically fell apart. He’s been following me for several years, doesn’t have a girlfriend, but if he’s behaving this way after following me for several years with a girl he really likes, he’s got some work to do. He’s gotta exercise self-control and trust. The process is laid out in the book because if your interest is here and hers is here, you can raise it, but if you overdo it and you over-communicate your interest, plus, he met her online and it’s like he basically went weak in the knees for her and the game plan from the book just went right out the window.

So he tried to set a second date, literally the very next day after they had their first date and she just completely ignored him. One of the things that jumped out at me is just their text exchange. She’s sending short replies and he’s sending these like, long paragraphs. So that just makes it easy to see who’s more invested, and it’s clear that it was him. Plus they were both going away on a trip. So he’s trying to schedule a second date before they go on the trip. It would have been much better just to let her go on her trip for a week-and-a-half and then reach out, because he was going on a trip as well, but it just looked like he was in a rush.

If her interest is a five or a six on a scale of one to 10 and you behave the way like this guy did, that’s typically what’s going to happen. You’re going to get ghosted. There’s no mystery. There’s nothing to look forward to. Plus, it’s just too much, too soon. He’s too overeager. Most of the guys online are like that, and he just gives off a desperate air.

So let’s see what happened and what should have actually happened, because he does share some good details here.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for years. I have had success dating many women, however I still do not have a girlfriend.

Well, I can tell you’re impatient. You’re trying to do too much, too soon. It’s like when you know you like a girl, you just over overly communicate it. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You should have more like a skeptical kind of attitude. “I’m kind of unsure about this girl. She’s hot and everything, but what’s really going on in her life? What’s she really like? What’s her character like?” But he’d already decided that she was his dream girl, if you will, or kind of gave that vibe. So when you act that way, you’re not really in a place to vet for character and you make it too easy for her.

Women like a guy that’s a challenge. A hot girl knows she’s hot and everybody wants to get in her pants. So you got to keep your composure, take your time, be mysterious and unpredictable. Even if a woman says she doesn’t like it, they respond to it better. It’s what creates attraction.

I date several women both from dating apps and that I meet in person.

Last week I met a 24-year-old girl. I’m 30. We matched and in only three or four messages set up a date for that same night, a Wednesday.

Well, if it was me and I’m doing online dating, I would have wanted to at least talk to her on the phone because especially now people use an AI. Her messages could come across really good and it could be she could be using AI. Then you meet her in person, she’s got no fucking personality or she’s boring. You’re trying to weed out girls that are serious, girls that you like, girls that you like talking to, because if you’re going to do online dating, there’s going to be plenty of dates you’re going to go out on and you’re like, as soon as you sit down, as soon as she starts talking, especially if you haven’t even heard her voice yet, you’re just going to have a higher incidence of those things. You want to be efficient, not waste your time. You want to see if a girl is flexible, if she’ll be willing to do those things.

When we met at the bar the conversation flowed very smoothly. We had two drinks and switched to a different bar. At the second bar we kissed and I felt the conversation went really well. The girl really blew my socks off. She was pretty, smart, and had a good career. 

During our time talking I didn’t feel like anything went wrong.

Even though she’s giving you negative feedback, because again, you’re focused on your interest and how much you like her, and you just want everything to be great, but she’s giving you real feedback and it just like sails over your head. Like it’s not a big deal.

So if you’re following what’s in the book, women will be touching you and bumping into you. You can always do the kiss test if you’re not sure. It’s better to let her wonder and then kiss her when the tension is built up, versus just really liking a girl and going for it in the middle of a date. Now if her interest is super high, you can do that, but if she’s not there yet, like in this case, kissing her and trying physical affection when she’s not open to it and this guy had no clue. He still has no clue that she wasn’t open to it. So you shouldn’t be getting negative feedback like this.

If you’re following the book, you go to kiss her, she’s like, “It’s about fucking time you kissed me!” That’s how things should be. “I was wondering when are you going to do that!”

I texted her asking if she had made it home and she said she did and thanked me for a great date.

Well, something like that. I’d be telling her, “Hey, let me know when you get home, OK?” You could tell her that, but the fact that you’re reaching out again, I would not be doing this. So a compliance test on your end towards her just saying, “Hey, let me know you got home safe. Text me when you get home. Let me know you got home safe.” It shows you care. Plus, you don’t have to do anything after that, which is nice until the next time you reach out to set the next date. Sometimes she’ll say, “Yeah, I will,” and then she’ll get home and she won’t text you. Then maybe a couple days later, she’ll text you.

So less really is more, especially in these beginning stages, and especially when you’re dealing with a girl that’s online that’s just got dicks being thrown at her constantly.

I replied and then texted her the next day to schedule a date since we were both traveling over the next week-and-a-half (Attached is the screenshot).

Again, I wouldn’t be doing that. I’d be waiting a few more days. Let her wonder. She should be wondering if you like her, if she did good, or maybe she had bad breath, because at the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and it’s just too much, too soon. It just shows you’re overeager.

Again, girls online, most of the dudes are behaving the way you’re behaving, you don’t really set yourself apart. You’re just another Bob. Another Bob in a sea of Bobs. Just another dick in a sea of dicks which are all around her at all times, especially on a dating app. She has all the leverage and you have zero.

She never replied which to me is very weird because the date went great.

Well, you think the date went great?

We were kissing, and she sounded excited in person and over text. The only thing she said was she did not like kissing in public, and we stopped and then did when we were in private on the Uber on the way to drop her off.

Again, she says she doesn’t like kissing in front of other people. It’s basically her saying that, “I wasn’t ready to kiss you yet.” She still kissed, you had a couple cocktails in her, but the fact that she’s giving you that negative feedback is basically her way of saying stop. So a girl’s telling you to stop. You’re not behaving like a 3% Man. You’re acting like a horny virgin teenager trying to lose his virginity on spring break and doesn’t have any sensory acuity.

Again, if you’re doing it right and you’re following what’s in the book, again using the kiss test, you’ll know right away whether she’s down or be kissed or not. So that should not be happening. So just the whole thing is just overeagerness because again, in his mind, he’s like, “Oh, it’s my dream girl. It’s what I’ve been waiting on.” He just made it too easy. You’re overdoing it. You’re touching her when she’s not open to being touched. That’s not good. The only reason you thought the date went well is because you focused on how much you liked her. You focused on your feelings, but you ignored reality.

While we were together she said we should go get sushi and that’s why I texted her the next day…

Again, less is really more. Yeah, you talked about it, but if you know she’s going out of town and you’re going to be going out of town, it’s better just to wait until you get back so she can wonder about you or you plan on getting in touch with her and you know she’s going to be back from her trip. Maybe she reaches out to you. “Hey, you want to grab that sushi?” But you never allow for those kinds of things to happen because you’re overeager. If you’ve been following my work as long as you have and you haven’t had a girlfriend yet, if you’re behaving this way with all the girls you really like, you’re going to get rejected constantly, especially with doing online dating just because again, women are swimming a sea of dicks on those platforms.

…(On the text it says Whole Foods, but it’s just an inside joke. I sent her the location of the restaurant in the message right below the screenshot).

Where do you think I messed up? Is it a lost cause?

Bob

Again, it’s just there’s no mystery. She knows exactly where she stands with you. It’s just way too easy. You’re not a challenge. The reason why you act this way is because you act like a guy that’s never had a girlfriend, or doesn’t have, or is upset or frustrated. The fact that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a couple of years, she could sense that. She can sniff it. This is why when you do have a girlfriend, or it seems like girls come out of the woodwork and are always into you like you’re a ladies man, as soon as you become single again, it’s like they all disappear and you’re like, “What happened?” Your vibe is totally different. You have a non-hungry vibe when you’re in a relationship. You don’t really care if the girl is hot. It’s like, “So what?” You got your own girl. You got enough feminine energy in your life. Women pick up on that.

It’s like the guys that are getting laid all the time in high school, the captain of the football team, he doesn’t need any more girls. All the girls are competing to get with him. So even if that’s not the case, if you give off the same vibe like them, it’ll have the same effect on women, but he’s not really following the book. He’s just following his emotions and being overexcited, and he’s worried about waiting until after the trip to get back with her. If you see yourself as a prize and a catch, you’ll be like, “I’ll wait a couple of weeks. I want her to like me more the next time I see her.”

Again, if you’re getting rejected when she’s telling you to stop kissing her because she doesn’t like PDA, it just means you’re kissing her too soon. When I was younger, I did the same thing. When I was in my 20s, I was making out with a girl on, I think it was our second date. It might have been her first, and she’s like, “I don’t like PDA.” I was like, “Well, you sure seem to like it on the date.” Then weeks later, after we got a little more serious, it’s like she was all over me in public. I was like, “What happened to the you don’t like do PDA?” With that particular girlfriend, I was like, I didn’t really care one way or another. I was totally indifferent to it, and it turned her on.

So she went against her rules. “Oh, I don’t do PDA,” but that was her way, again, because I learned this when I was in my 20s, that you’re kissing a girl before she’s ready, because again, at that time, I was just focusing on the fact I wanted to kiss her. She still kissed me back, but I got negative feedback. At the end of the day, because I gave the right vibe off, a few weeks later, she was all over me in public and I’m teasing her about it, “Like I thought you don’t do PDA. You’re like, all over me. You can’t keep your hands off me.” By then we were fucking like rabbits, so it didn’t matter.

So you got to pay attention to these things. You cannot go out on a date and only focus on your feelings and interest. You got to focus on what’s she doing, what she’s saying, using the kiss test, using the tools that are in the book. If you knew the book backwards and forwards and you followed it, it would work great, but you’re not following it and you’re getting rejected for the same reason. Probably from every girl you really like, you behave this way. So you got to clean up your act, my man. At least you got some kissy-poo on a first date.

So what you can do in this particular case is that, I’m going to go through the text exchange, but wait until after you’re back and at least two full weeks have passed to see if she reaches out, because once she’s back in town, I would wait maybe a week after. If you still haven’t heard from her, I would reach back out and take one more shot at it. Maybe she’s in a different headspace. “Hey, you! I just got back from my trip. I’d love to get together and catch up and hear about yours. What’s your schedule like? When are you available?” Just like that. Just like the book says.

She can dodge you, she can blow you off, or she can be excited and make a date with you. If you do get on a second date with her, you gotta let her start touching and bumping into you first. If you want to kiss her, if you feel that impulse, use the kiss test from the book, you won’t get rejected. The girl’s looking at your lips and you’re doing the kiss test, she’s down to be kissed. So again, if you read the book, you follow me for years, and then you do the opposite of what I teach, well you’re going to go down in flames, just like beta male Bob does.

So let’s go through the message exchange real quickly here.

Bob: “Did you make it back to your place?”

Jessica: “I did. Thanks for a fire date. Did you make it home?”

Bob: “I just got back. Have a great time at the Hamptons! I’ll see you when you get back so you can tell me about it.”

So that’s what Chad Thundercock would do. He’d be like, “Hey, have fun in the Hamptons. Can’t wait to hear about it.” You’re not saying, “I’m going to call you. We’re going to go out on a date.” You’re just ending the conversation and letting her wonder about you. Then you call her or text her when you know she’s back in town and you’re available or you’re back, because I think he was traveling a week after her, if I’m not mistaken, but he doesn’t do that.

Jessica: “Thank you.”

Then the next day, I think it’s the next day. Yeah, the next day. This is after he says, “Hey, I’ll see you when you get back,” he doesn’t wait. You got to be congruent with your words. If you say that, you got to be congruent with it. Let her wonder when she gets back, “Is he going to call? Did he meet somebody else? Should I have called him? Should I have arranged that sushi date? Did he meet another girl on the dating app?” That’s what you need to be going through her head, but you don’t allow for that because you’re too fucking impatient. So there’s no mystery, there’s no challenge. You just made it easy. Again, these are like big paragraphs.

So here’s his text on Thursday at 12:38 p.m., which I think was the very next day, if I remember right.

Bob: “Hi. Next week I’m leaving to the wedding in Austin on Thursday and you get here Monday night, right? Want to get together for dinner Tuesday? Let me know and I can get us a reservation for sushi at a very fancy Whole Foods.”

And he’s got the crying laughing emoji, which again, that’s just cheesy. You’re acting like a girl a little bit, but again, that’s a long paragraph. Of course she doesn’t reply to that.

So again, that’s why, in this case, I would wait until you get back. Maybe you’re back for a full week to see if she’ll reach out to you because again, dating is like tennis, and she ignored you. So in this case, waiting two weeks or longer shouldn’t matter because you’re traveling, she’s traveling, and you want to also give her a chance to maybe after she’s back in town for a few days, or maybe when she knows you’re back in town because you did tell her when you’re away, that she should know when you get back, you want to give her enough space. Maybe three weeks goes by in this case, who cares? Or even a month. So what we’re trying to see if she will pick up the ball and say, “Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you. I would have loved to have met you, but I couldn’t make it. How you been?” If she says something like that or, “How was your trip?” “It was great! Good to hear from you. What’s your schedule like? I want to see your face.” That should be right to the point and then set the next date.

Again, if you don’t hear from her at all, maybe a week beyond when you’re already back in town, just to see if she’ll re-establish contact, I would take one more shot at it. “Hey, you! I’m back in town. I had a blast. Hope your trip was great. I look forward to hearing about it. What’s your schedule like? I want to see you.” As simple as that. That presupposes, of course she’s going to see you. If she ghosts you again, well then delete the number and on to the next. So that’s pretty much all you can do in this case.

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