How To Vet Her For Loyalty Before You Become Exclusive

How to vet women for loyalty before you agree to become exclusive.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who started dating a 22-year-old woman about a year ago. They were never exclusive. She graduated college and got a job in Indiana. After she moved, he realized she was still active on Tinder dating app. He went through her phone and realized she was acting as if she were single. He broke things off, telling her if she changed and could be honest and accountable they could talk again.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So one of the things that all guys should really be looking at is, becoming exclusive, especially when the woman brings it up, that’s when you’re really going to kind of spell out your terms and what your expectations are. If you are to agree to become her boyfriend and be exclusive with her, that’s when you talk about things. Like her, if she’s got male orbiters or she’s in constant contact with a bunch of exes and hanging out with them all the time, or hanging out with a single guys on-on-one from the office going and getting drinks for happy hour, if you’re dating a woman and she’s doing those things, or she’s going clubbing all the time and girls’ night out on the weekends and she wants you to be exclusive, you’re like, “Well, I’m not going to commit to a girl who’s like a party girl who every weekend she’s hanging out with a bunch of single girlfriends. I’m not into that.”

“So if you want me to be your boyfriend, you’re gonna have to behave like you’re a family-oriented woman who’s in a relationship, but if you want to keep going to the club and hanging out with the single dudes from the office and all that stuff, we can be friends with benefits, but it’s not going to go any further than that.”

So the puppies are fighting over a deer antler. That’s what all the green is for. I got a little green off the side here, and Momo’s looking for the right moment to dive in there and steal it. So when you got a fuzzy puppy with his tail and her tail and butt in your face, you just keep moving forward. Don’t get distracted.

In this particular email, he is 26. He started dating a 22-year-old woman about a year ago, but they were never exclusive. So I would say he probably definitely hasn’t read the book because if he read the book and knew it, they would have been exclusive in month two, and that’s if she’s a normal, healthy woman and not some kind of wacky fruit loop. What was interesting is that she just graduated college. I assume this past spring semester. She got a job in Indiana and moved away. So now they were kind of long distance. Then after she moved, I guess he still had the Tinder app and so did she. He happened to go on it and look and notice that her location had switched. Plus, it tells you obviously when they’re active. So he notices that she’s still active on it and basically acting as if she’s single. The problem is, he’s almost a year with this girl, and they clearly never became exclusive. They were just friends with benefits because you’ll see he refers to, well she moved away and they agreed to keep talking.

So that tells me it was just kind of casual friends with benefits in her eyes, obviously, because she’d never brought up being exclusive and doesn’t sound like he did. Or maybe he did, and she shot him down, but he was acting like she was his girlfriend and he was entitled to exclusivity. If we just bottom line her actions, her behavior and how she’s showing up, it’s pretty clear that they were fuck buddies, friends with benefits.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

So to quickly run down on what happened, I have been seeing this girl since last October. Things were great, perfect almost, until things had to become long-distance. She liked my masculinity and how I acted and who I was. I’m 26 and I am in New York and she is 22 and she just graduated college and got a job with a company in Indiana. She asked me to drive her down there and I agreed. After dropping her off in mid August, we decided we can continue talking.

You’ve been dating this girl almost a year. I guess at that time, it was 10 months, and you look at yourself as talking, so that’s just kind of casually dating. You’re not committed to her. She’s not committed to you. That’s just the reality. So that tells me if you’re dating it for 10 months and you’re still just talking, you’re just writing in about your friends with benefits who you mistook for your girlfriend, it’s like you made some assumptions without ever having mature adult conversations. You don’t become exclusive through telepathy.

If you’re applying what’s in the book, the woman is going to be wanting to be exclusive with you. Under normal circumstances, if she’s head over heels in love of you and your goals and values are aligned, she’s not going to take a job in Indiana. Oftentimes, women will move away like this because it’s a way to kind of get away from you and to move on with their lives because again, you’re growing further apart instead of closer together. You went from living in the same city to her moving away to start her new life. You’ll see from how she’s behaving that, number one, he shouldn’t be thinking, talking or acting like she’s his girlfriend, and number two, she’s just not behaving like somebody that warrants exclusivity. He confused his fuck buddy and Friends of benefits with an actual girlfriend, who wanted to be loyal and exclusive with him. That’s what happens when you only focus on your interest in her and you completely ignore the reality that you’re just a friends with benefits.

The thing is, I felt very secure and good with this until I saw her go on Tinder (I saw her location change, meaning she had opened the app). I decided not to mention this until I saw her again.

Yeah, because again, you’re not exclusive, and it’s not your place to be doing that or talking about that.

I started questioning her love for me when we would talk on the phone, she would say she loved me, yet whenever I checked her Tinder I would see it go back and forth from work to home.

Again, this is what you shouldn’t be 10 months down the road thinking that and discussing your love for each other. Yet you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend and you complaining about it is just basically asking her to utter some words so you feel better. So she might say those things just to be a people-pleaser to get you off her back, but the reality is you’re way more into her than she’s into you, and you’re like the last to find this out.

Fast forward to when we saw each other, I planned a nice date, brought her home, and after we had done the deed, I told her to shower. She went to shower and I took her phone and went through it. I saw her chatting with men and also saw she was actively talking to other men on iMessage.

Well, this is your fuck buddy, friends with benefits. Definitely not your girlfriend.

I told her we were done after she came back inside and dropped her off to her family house. After her begging me to stay with her, saying they were just friends and a way she got validation (She was flirty with them), I said I will take you back only on the condition I can check your phone whenever I want and you listen to everything I want. She agreed. We kept talking on FaceTime almost everyday, but I became insecure and controlling, asking her what she did, did she have any cheating thoughts, why she did what she did, essentially grilling her everyday.

Yeah, that’s not going to work. You do that with any woman, no matter what, even if they’re crazy about you, within a matter of months, they’ll be gone from your life. That’s just not going to work. You clearly need to read the book.

She would cry everyday too. I was being an asshole because I thought she deserved it.

Well again, you do that enough, eventually she’s going to leave you.

She did go to therapy on my recommendation and what’s crazy is the therapist said I’m the problem and I’m manipulative and controlling. Anyways, fast forward a few more days later, I had her go through her phone for me on FaceTime and one of the guys she brushed off as a friend made me want to check again. It was an old friend from last year, so I told her to let me see. It ended up being a fling she met up with a month before me.

So she was lying to him about other things. Again, this is the kind of stuff that you should know before you get into a relationship. If you’ve been seeing a girl for 10 months and this is how she’s behaving when you’re not around, that’s just a fuck buddy. You’re just one of the guys she’s hooking up with. You should know better, but again, it doesn’t look like he’s actually read the book. He’s probably just new to my work. Probably trying to cherry-pick.

Again, he’s probably new. Doesn’t say anything about reading the book. So it would really help you and would give you some serious clarity if you read it. It is free to read in the Members Area of my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. Put your name, your email in and create a password and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

The thing is, she told me she’s only had two sexual partners before me. She had lied…

Oh, big shock!

…And then I got mad and told her, “This is too many lies. I’m done.” The thing is, she said I’m done too and then proceeded to tell me I never loved her and that I couldn’t accept her flaws.

Well again, her behavior is a deal breaker for a girlfriend or a wife because she’s clearly neither. She’s not loyal. She lied to your face. On top of that, she’s constantly seeking attention from other men. So that just shows you that you’re not that important to her. Again, she moved away.

She did kind of manipulate me into wanting her again and now I do kind of want her again.

Well, rejection breeds obsession.

We exchanged one message with my message ending everything where I said, “You’ve been lying, dishonest, and deceitful. When you change and can be accountable, we can talk.” She didn’t reply and we’ve been in no-contact since then. What should I do?

Nothing. That’s it. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I wouldn’t get exclusive with this girl. She’s already blown it with you, dude. She’s not loyal. If you take her back and give her another chance, she’ll just do it to you again when you slip up or you get complacent and aren’t really paying attention. You just have to see this as it is. This is part of the vetting process. Based on her behavior, you spent 10 months with this girl before she moved away, and it’s clear she’s just doesn’t see you as a boyfriend or somebody to be exclusive with because again, we just look at her actions. Her actions are she’s clearly looking for attention from other men. We don’t get exclusive with women that do that.

So if she reaches out in the future, invite her to come see you, hang out, have fun and hook up. If she wants to be exclusive again or get back together, just say “I can only offer you friends of benefits, sex playmates, fuck buddies. That’s it. After what happened between us before, it’s clear you just don’t have the same value system as me. Until we each find somebody that we really want to be with, we can be friends with benefits. That’s all I can offer.” That’s what I would do if I were you in this case because again, if you take her back, you’re enabling her behavior, number one. Number two, she’ll just do it to you again when you slip up or when you get complacent and lazy.

Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. If they’re all over Tinder, dating apps and having conversations with other men and lying to you about the context of it, then you bust them in their lies, like you’re not going to fix that. Their dad already fucked them up. That’s on him. It’s your job to recognize that reality and keep the relationship and the terms and conditions that she qualifies for. In this case, she only qualifies for fuck buddy, sex playmate, friends with benefits. That’s it. Even if she wants it claiming she’ll change, it’s like, she won’t. She’s the type of girl that will tell you whatever you need to hear. She’ll look you right in the face and lie to you. This is not the kind of woman you want to have a family or children with. This is a girl for fun and fucking. That’s it. Fun and family is somebody completely different who would never do this kind of behavior. Again, you need to read the book and get up to speed. Participate in your own rescue. It’s free to read the Members Area of my website.

Also, I did realize after she cheated I started becoming reactive, insecure and needy.

Yeah, because if you stayed with this girl, you’d just be sleeping with one eye open the rest of your life. No man wants to live like that. The number one thing men want in a relationship is loyalty. What’s most important to us is a woman that’s going to be loyal and faithful, and she’s not.

That’s what also turned her from begging me back the first time to now accepting and actually becoming defensive.

Bob

Yeah, I mean, you totally turned her off with your controlling behavior, and I’m sure her therapist helped her see that, but you made the mistake of confusing a fuck buddy with a family-oriented girl. So that’s on you.

Again, you got to fill in your knowledge gap with the book, and you got to vet for character, because character is destiny, and she is a woman of low character. She’s a liar and a cheater. Until you find somebody who shares your goals and values, you can occasionally hook up with her when she’s in town or she reaches out. In this case, I would never, ever reach out to this girl for any reason. Even if she starts reaching out and you start hooking up again, she should come to you. I’d let her do all the the calling, texting and pursuing, and you just make dates that can lead to sex. Other than that, you never call. You never reach out.

If she complains, you never call or you don’t care about her, just say, “Look, we’re friends with benefits and that’s it. You’re never going to be my girlfriend again after what you did.” Then again, it doesn’t look like they were boyfriend/ girlfriend because as he labeled it, they were just talking. So you’re not going to fix her by giving her ultimatums or telling her to become an honest person and “Reach out and we can talk.” You’re not going to fix that, dude. Her dad already did the damage. You just have to see reality as it is.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.