How Women Should Earn Loyalty & Exclusivity In Relationships

How women should earn your loyalty and exclusivity in relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few years. A year and a half ago, he started dating a woman from his home country of Spain. She wanted him to commit to her, but he would soon be leaving to study abroad. He told her he wanted to keep seeing other girls. She said she was okay with this, but only wanted to see him, was in love and would be exclusive to him.

Some time later, she called him crying that she kissed another guy. Then it happened a second time with a different guy. Now he wonders what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

First of all, I really appreciate all your work, I have been a follower for the last few years. About a year and a half ago, I met a beautiful girl back in my home country, Spain. We started hanging out, having fun, hooking up, and one day she told me she wanted me to stop seeing other girls and wanted to get all serious with me.

As I talk about in the book, what is happening here, at least on her part, is the way women are. If you create the conditions from the beginning where the woman is always pursuing you and chasing you – doing most of the calling, texting, pursuing – and you’re making dates, hanging out, having fun and hooking up, typically by week 6 or 7, she’s going to be in love and she’s going to start bringing up exclusivity. And so, this is typically what you’re going to expect to see.

But what it does, the good thing is, it puts the man in the best position. I mean, if you look at the old black and white movies from the 40s, 50s and even some of the movies in the 60s, that’s what was always going on in the movies. The women were always trying to lock down the most eligible bachelor, the best guy in town that they could get for themselves, which is natural. Because women are naturally designed to seek a man’s attention, and ultimately exclusivity, so they can nest, and have babies, and a family, and the white picket fence, and all of that stuff, and live happily ever after.

But when you look at current media, current movies, current TV, what do you see? You see the exact opposite. You see men begging for women’s attention and validation, and begging them for a relationship, and basically acting like stalkers. In the movies and the TV shows that you see, that works, they get the girl. But if you do that in real life, you get a restraining order against you. You’ve got the media teaching us a dysfunctional way of living and being in our relationships and emotionally anchoring us to these dysfunctional and unnatural behaviors.

And so, this guy has taken a look at his life. Because us guys, we tend to want to be an exclusive, long term relationships when we’re stable. When we’re living in an area for a good period of time, when we have a stable house, stable social circle, stable group of friends, stable job, that’s typically we’re open to nesting, if you will, and having a family, being in an exclusive relationship. If you’re moving around a lot, maybe you’re a traveling salesman, and you’re in a different city every few months, in those conditions, guys are more naturally going to gravitate towards casual types of relationships.

And so, this particular guy meets this great girl, or at least she seems great, and yet he knows he’s leaving the country to study abroad, and he doesn’t even know if he’s coming back. And so, he’s not wanting to settle down or be exclusive because, quite frankly, his life conditions are not conducive to that.

At that moment in time, I didn’t want anything serious, so I told her that I would continue seeing other girls, but that she was “for sure my favorite one ;)”

He puts a little wink emoji in there, which is great. I mean, he’s being honest. He’s being totally upfront with her about that. Now, when you live this way, you also have to understand the downside risk is that, if she’s really wanting somebody exclusive and that is her value system, you’re going to lose girls. They’re going to say, “Hey, I’m not down with that. I don’t want to date long distance.” Or, “If you don’t want to be exclusive, then I’m going to date other people, or I’m going to move on.” And that’s fine. The important thing is, as a man, you’re honest, you’re upfront and you’re congruent with your truth. And women can either accept it or say thanks, but no thanks. And so, in this case, he was totally up front with what he wanted.

She ended up accepting it and we continued dating for a few months. As I started getting to know her, she fell deeply in love and I stopped seeing other girls. The problem is the following. At the end of last summer, I had to leave Spain and go study abroad, so I would not be able to see her anymore. We spent most of the summer together, and even though we were not “official,” I met all her family, she was deeply in love, she told me that she didn’t want to be with anyone else and that she was going to really miss me.

Part of the vetting process, again, what you see from the older movies is that the guys are like, “I don’t want to settle down. I’m not in that place in my life.” Especially if you ever seen the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life,” George Bailey is like, “I’m getting out of Bedford Falls. I don’t want to live in this town. I’m going to see the world. I’m going to go live somewhere else. I just want to get out of here. The last thing I want to do is settle down with this cute girl, Mary, that’s always had a crush on me since we were little kids, and get married and live in this town that I’m trying to get the hell away from.”

And over the course of the movie and the love story, that’s what happens. She wears him down, and he can’t help but love her back. But she had made her mind up that she wanted to make things so good that George Bailey would stay in Bedford Falls and they’d live happily ever after, which they ended up doing. And so, part of the vetting process here is, she’s like, “Hey, I want you all to myself and I only want to be with you. So, he’s been honest about it. It’s like saying, “Hey, I’m just not in a place where I can be exclusive with anybody, and that’s not what I want right now. And if you want to continue seeing me, that’d be great. And if not, that’s great too.”

And she told him, “I only want to see you. I’m going to commit to you only.” And on some level, she’s basically saying, “I’m going to prove that I’m going to be a loyal and faithful girl to you, and hopefully, eventually, you won’t want anybody else”. And it was starting to move in that direction, because like he said, he stopped seeing other women. He never agreed to be exclusive or official or anything, but what ends up happening? Because you’re trying to see, well, does she keep her word? This is the most important thing.

And this is a big thing the dudes in the red pill community just go berserk over. I mean, they like to just paint a broad brush of women in society in general, when in reality, all you’re trying to find out is, does she have integrity? Is this girl honest? Does she keep her word? Does she say what she means and means what she says? And the reality is, most people in this world don’t. And so, that’s part of the vetting process. And a lot of these guys got involved with women that belonged to the streets. They tried to wife up a hoe, and then they got burned. And then they say, “Oh, well, all women are like this.” Because if all women are like that, then, “Hey, it’s not my fault that I got dicked over.” And that’s part of the problem, these guys don’t want to take personal responsibility for where they’re at.

As Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves. Weak men blame others.” If you’re blaming other people, then, hey, it’s not your fault. You can’t do anything about it. You’re helpless to change and shape your destiny. But if you say, “Well, everything in my life is there because I either chose it or I attracted it, because of the vibe that I’m putting out there. I allowed it, I tolerated it, I invited it. So, what do I need to change in my life, so I repel these kinds of people or circumstances in the future?” The red pill guys are like, “Oh, it’s modern women. That’s the problem.” Instead of looking at themselves like, what are they doing to attract those kind of people into their life?

That’s what a man does. A man looks at a situation and says, “Well, whatever it was, I attracted this person in my life for some reason. Why is that? What do I need to change about my vibe, my energy, the people that I’m associating with, the energy I’m putting into the world so this thing doesn’t happen or it doesn’t happen very often anymore?” So, again, part of the vetting process is you’re trying to find out, does this girl keep her word? Can I trust what she’s saying? That’s the real issue here with her. He’s been honest and upfront. She’s communicating, “Hey, I’m only going to be exclusive to you. Hopefully, you’ll want to be exclusive to me at some point.”

I then left to pursue my studies, and even though we were not “official,” we continued talking, and we were planning on seeing each other.

So, again, he’s in the vetting process. Remember, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. His life’s not conducive to it. But over time, you could see how a woman like this, if she actually keeps her word and honors the promises that she makes to him, then, just like George Bailey, she may wear him down and he’ll go, “You make things so good for me that I really don’t want anybody else.”

One day, she called me on the phone crying and told me she had kissed another guy, but that she really didn’t want to, (C’mon man). I honestly didn’t care at that point, since I thought we wouldn’t see each other more. Why bother. The thing is, a few weeks later we continued talking, and she got on the plane and came to visit.

So, she’s still trying to convince him “hey, be only with me” after she’d already said, “Hey, I only want to be with you,” but yet now she’s kissing some other guy. So, right there, she’s not keeping her word. It’s nice that she was forthcoming and admitted this, but at the end of the day, she didn’t keep her word to him. He kept his word to her, which was, “I’m not going to be exclusive with anybody.” He was honest and he was upfront about that. What she told him turned out to not be true.

Everything was really good, and for the following months, we saw each other a couple of times and we even went on a trip to Paris together.

“We’ll always have Paris.”

I then went back to Spain for the Christmas holidays, and spent all of my Christmas with her. She told me that she only wanted to be with me, that she was in love, that she didn’t care about distance. The thing is, later I found out that she made out with another guy at a party a few months earlier.

So, now, this is twice. Twice where she says, “Hey, I only want to be with you,” and yet there’s two other dudes that she’s been kissing. So, what does that tell us about her character? Her words don’t mean anything. She’s not the type of person who will say something and mean what she says. And this is part of the vetting process. This is this is a red flag. This is somebody that doesn’t say what they mean and doesn’t mean what they say. In other words, they’re not honest.

Love cannot exist where there is no trust. And if you’re a girl dating a guy who’s life is not conducive to being in a relationship, and you want to go out of your way to prove to him that he really should only be with you, because you’re so awesome, and then you go and you kiss two other dudes, it’s like, what’s he supposed to expect? This girl’s not believable. As Gerald Celente from the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.”

And so, if on multiple occasions she’s told him, “Hey, I’m only going to commit to you,” but yet he finds out she’s with two different guys on two different occasions, and she kissed them, even though she’s trying to prove that she’s his best choice, what do you have to assume? You have to assume she’s a liar. And if they were in a relationship, that would have been cheating. So, she doesn’t keep her word. It’s as simple as that. “You can’t tell me, ‘Oh, I only want to see you”‘and then go kiss other guys.” And who knows, maybe she slept with these guys. We don’t really know. All we know is that she didn’t keep her word. And if she doesn’t keep her word, that’s not the kind of woman that you want raising your children.

Now, at this point I’m like, what the fuck. My problem is, if we were “officially together” and monogamous, she would get the gift of missing me forever, as I don’t permit any type of infidelity.

Well, you know what, on some level, your Spidey sense was telling you from the beginning not to be exclusive with this girl. And now you have to look at it and go, “Well, now I see why I didn’t want to be exclusive with her.”

As we were not “officially” together, and she was extremely apologetic about the two guys, I have my doubts about what to do.

Well, she’s a friends with benefits, a fuck buddy, a sex playmate. This is not wife material. This is not somebody you’re going to be exclusive with, because she doesn’t keep her commitments. So, she’s supposedly been trying to earn her a commitment with you, and yet she violates the commitment that she made to you. Therefore, “No. We can be friends with benefits. We can hook up when you’re in town.” Definitely, I would recommend you wear a raincoat.

Should I send her to the streets?

Well, I think you should just be congruent with the type of relationship that you told her and just say, “Hey, we can hang out and date, but I’m never going to be exclusive with you, because you don’t keep your word. But we can still hook up. The sex is good. I love hanging out. Yeah, I’ll still come over and hang out with your family, but I’m not going to be your husband. I’m not going to be your boyfriend. That’s just not going to happen. That’s not in the cards. You’re your word doesn’t mean anything. I can’t trust you. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. And you did it to yourself. So, you know, date other guys, do what you want. I’m not going to commit to you ever, just because I can’t trust you. But we can have a lot of fun together when we do see each other.”

Or should I stop worrying since we were not together and continue dating this girl, even making her my girlfriend?

Thank you, Coach,

Bob

You absolutely do not make her your girlfriend, because she’s not loyal. Simple as that. It would have been a different story if you both were like, “Hey, we’re just casually dating.” You can see other people and she can see other people. But that wasn’t the agreement. The agreement, what she told you was that, “I’m only going to date you. I’m not dating anybody else,” but yet she’s kissing another guy. So, what does that mean? She’s open to meeting somebody else, even though she told you otherwise.

So, you’ve got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is. And seeing it better than it is would be considering her for your girlfriend. But seeing it as it is, you understand that she’s a friends with benefits, sex playmate, fuck buddy. That’s it, simple as that, black and white. There’s no middle of the road there with with her. Most guys, what we want is loyalty and exclusivity if we’re committing to that. And she said she was committing to that, but she didn’t keep keep up her end of the bargain. Therefore, anything she says about being exclusive, “Oh, it won’t happen again,” it doesn’t matter.

As Maya Maya Angelou said, “when somebody tells you or shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” She gave you two instances where she doesn’t keep her word. Therefore, you have to assume she’s a bullshit artist, and she’s a liar, and she’s devious. And if you ever did become exclusive or become married, there’s a good chance, when you’re not around, she’ll go screw around with some other guy, because that’s what she’s done when you weren’t there anyway. Even though you weren’t exclusive, she said she was going to be exclusive, but she wasn’t. It’s a simple, simple way to look at things in life.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.