How Women Trick You Into Friend Zone So You Can Avoid It

How women trick you into friend zone so you can stay out of it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who writes in about a woman that stuck him in friend-zone. He admits he strayed from the book and let her run things. She only wanted to make daytime dates, group dates, brought friends on dates and always tried to avoid anything romantic.

After 18 dates and getting nowhere he finally walked away. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email from a viewer who admits that he really didn’t follow what was in the book. So he went on an 18 dates with this girl, got absolutely nowhere with her when they first met, I guess she had a boyfriend, and then she reached out through Instagram, I don’t know, a month or so after they met, she would only make daytime dates and he agreed to it. She would also make group dates and then bring her friends to basically prevent anything romantic from happening. Then anytime he tried to escalate things, she would always back off, get kind of weird, and she kept telling him she was only interested in being friends. He kept hanging out with her and didn’t stand up to her until after about 18 dates. Once again, she’s like, “Just think of me as one of your bros, dude,” and it looks like he finally has tapped out and realizes, “Man, I should have listened to Coach.” I don’t know how much money he spent, but 18 dates for nothing. That’s a lot of time. That’s a lot of emotional and energy, a lot of mental energy, and obviously how much money he spent taking her out and spinning wheels, entertaining her and her friends and getting nowhere.

This is why it’s better to make dates in the evening, have three places to go. So the third place is somewhere that facilitates physical interaction so seduction can happen because at the end of the day, what is a date? It’s a fun filled opportunity for sex to happen, as I discuss in the book. The book is designed to help you avoid these things. Again, if you’re going to do it, this guy did and do the opposite thinking, “Ah, I’ll be different. I don’t need to listen to that. I know what I’m doing.” You won’t be 18 dates in and get nowhere. I don’t think they even kissed.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I wanted to reach back out and follow up on this situation I outlined to you back in October as I think my experience highlights the importance of following your teaching and not deviating from them.

Well, the whole book is designed to help you avoid pain, avoid rejection, and avoid wasting your time because there are women that are happy to go and hang out, have you spend your money and your time entertaining them and their girlfriends, buying them drinks, buying them food and whatever else you’re buying them and give you a hug and tell you what a great friend you are.

To reiterate what had happened up until October, I met this girl by approaching her on the street and telling her she’s beautiful. We chatted for a bit and she told me she had a bf but she asked for my Instagram. A month later she DM’d me asking if I wanted to go to a run club with her that meets near my house. Instead of that I offered to take her out on a date. She agreed to a daytime date.

Again, a woman who’s interested in something platonic. So we know she had a boyfriend, maybe she was in the process of breaking up with him, or he just simply became part of her Frankenstein Boyfriend project, meaning she still liked her boyfriend, she liked sleeping with him, she liked the companionship, but emotionally and mentally, something was missing. So what they end up doing is having guys like this that will take them out, listen to them complain about their lives or their boyfriends, spend money on them, and then that’s why they’re always going to try to do daytime things, coffee dates, platonic things, bring their girlfriends along, that kind of thing, to prevent anything romantic from happening.

If you’re interested in sex and romance, you just simply don’t agree to these things. That’s why doing the evening dates is better. If you’re doing an evening date, that’s a date. If you’re doing something during the day like a lunch, usually she’s going to have something planned for after that so it can’t progress. It doesn’t mean 100% of the time, if you make a daytime date, that you’re not going to get anywhere, or she won’t blow off her plans with other people, but when you continually do it over and over, like this guy did, again, this is why the book is laid out the way it is, because it just prevents the time wasters and the girls looking to add you to their Frankenstein Boyfriend project to prevent from getting involved in that kind of nonsense, which is just going to frustrate you and give you a really bad case of blue balls, as well as waste your time and drain your bank account.

The connection was instant and super strong, attraction was obvious.

Well, if attraction was really obvious, she would have been affectionate. You would have been doing kissy-poo and eventually been bumping uglies within typically two to three dates, and that didn’t happen.

We went on three more daytime dates (Would not do evening, first red flag).

Again, this is why the book lays this out to prevent this, but if you want to reinvent the wheel and relearn stuff the hard way that I learned decades ago and that’s been perfected over 20 years of me teaching this stuff to millions of guys around the world in every cultural, spiritual and religious background, be my guest. Some people like to learn the hard way, but hey, we do appreciate the fact that you wanted to learn the hard way because it makes a great email because other guys will read this and go, “Holy shit, I’m not going to do what that guy did!”

My assumption at this point was that she was very slow-burn, you will see why that was not the case.

Attraction is not a choice. Women know within three seconds if they would date and sleep with you, but if you’re too soft, compliant, a people-pleaser, and you go along with this kind of stuff and you make excuses for, don’t be surprised that many months later and after 18 dates, all you get is a few nice big, wide open hugs, a”You’re a great friend” kind of conversation, and blue balls the size of watermelons.

On the fourth date, she agreed to an evening dinner date. When I went to drop her off at her house she was quick to get up and leave the car and did not linger in that intimate kiss time moment.

Also, she wasn’t like, “Hey, would you like to come up? ” Again, just another way, she’s trying to run away. So when you see that kind of behavior, if that’s me and I’m going out on a fourth date with a girl, again, this is why you go for the kiss. If she likes you, she’ll kiss you back. If she doesn’t or she’s structured, she’s going to turn her head and give you the cheek. So when a date like this happens, you don’t ask her out. You don’t call her. You just stop moving forward. If she reaches out to you and you’ve been out on four dates, maybe you tried to kiss her in the past or not. Maybe you waited. I mean, at the end of the day, she got out of the car and nothing happened.

A week later, I asked her if she wanted to go on a hike to which she replied, she will ask if her friends want to come.

This is how they avoid anything romantic. “Oh, let me get my friends to come, my cock-blockers, and clam slammers to come, so no hanky-panky can happen.”

I told her I wanted to go just with us and if she did not want to do that, we could go somewhere else. She asked if I wanted to go for a run, but she brought her female friend.

See how that works? He’s trying to invite her on a date. She’s taking control, changing the plans. He’s going along with it. Again, these things are outlined in the book to avoid this or help you avoid this, but he wanted to reinvent the wheel.

After the run, the friend left and she told me she just wanted to be friends. I said I’d think about it…

You’ll think about it? Just say, “I’m not interested in that.”

…But I texted her later saying I did not want to be friends.

At the end of the day, she knew he was soft and compliant, and all she had to do was just ask him and continually cock-block him and he’ll go along with it. So even though he said he didn’t want to just be friends, he wasn’t willing to walk away and mean it.

When I did that she really started blowing up my phone that evening, so I thought, “OK, she wants me romantically.” Two weeks went by and I made another date with her. We continued going on 18 dates total, mostly during the day, despite me trying to get her on evening dates.

Well, you trying to get her on evening dates, the fact that you caved and went on daytime dates? That’s the difference. That’s the difference between the guy that gets access to the Promised Land and guys like you that get blue balls and are surprised.

We went on a few evening dates though, and some at her place. Every time the moment arose where a kiss would feel natural, she would get into this bizarre energy where she would be joking and laughing and kind of avoidant of the tension.

Again, you kept pursuing this girl every time she behaved this way. So that’s on you. You didn’t back up and you didn’t stop.

It became increasingly difficult to break this dynamic.

Well, it’s because you kept. You let you put her in charge. You made her the man.

Throughout this time, the intimacy did grow.

The intimacy grew? Yeah, that’s just delusional thinking.

We would be more physically close, sometimes she would give me the eyes and say something like, “You’re adorable.”

So all she has to do is say you’re adorable and you’re like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, intimacy is happening!” Uh, nothing’s happening, bro. You are stuck in friend-zone, and any little scrap that she threw you, you ate it right up like a trained puppy.

In public, she was always saying people stare at me a lot. Then she would say things like, “I want to set you up with my friends.”

It’s pretty obvious he’s part of the Frankenstein Boyfriend project, and she likes the fact that he’s a companion, spends money on her. Probably things that Chad, her boyfriend, wasn’t willing to do. So when Chad wasn’t available, she would hang out with this guy and he would jump through his butt to please her and get nowhere.

I would just take that stuff as a test and look at her like, “Yeah, sure. You already know I am into you.”

But at the end of the day, you kept going along with it.

Anyways, the 18th date was a date at a cozy jazz bar. On the train, she played this song about someone just making a move and I was like, “Cool, I will.” Then we were in the bar, we were laughing and snuggling and it was a good time. She ordered a drink and I noticed she did not drink it.

Well, she didn’t want to get a buzz on and didn’t want to have the beer goggles gone.

When we left the bar and got outside, I noticed the energy suddenly get weird again, like subtly distant.

There you go! See how that works? She’s playing you like a drum.

I suggested we walk by a reflecting pool where I could make a move. She was like, “Nahh I am gonna get a Lyft.” So she ordered a Lyft and we got in.

In other words, she ordered a Lyft and he got in her Lyft thinking, “Uh oh.” So he’s following her. Instead, she’s like, “Nah, I’m gonna get a Lyft.” I’d be like, “Alright, have a great night. See you later.” I mean, at any point you could have just stopped. Stopped calling her, stopped asking her out. Then when she brought it up, invite her over for dinner because you went out with her three, four, five times, six, 18 times, actually. When you noticed it wasn’t going anywhere and she’s offering day dates and hiking trips and other things, you just said, “Hey, why don’t we get together and make dinner at my place?” She would have obviously tried to squirm out of that, and you probably would have caved and done a coffee date or something for lunch or something like that, because you just were a shitty negotiator for yourself.

You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate, and you always put yourself last. That’s why they say, “Nice guys finish last.” You were too nice. You kept thinking things are going to change. You kept letting her set and dictate the terms and you always did things that she wanted. You would always cave and never give any push-back.

We were pretty quiet and like halfway through she was like, “Did you want to say something?” So I told her, “I really like you more than as friends. How do you feel?”

It’s like, dude, why would you even ask that? That just shows that you had no clue. So when you talk like that to a girl, all it’s going to do is cause her to lose respect. To me like, this guy’s got no game. He has no idea what he’s doing. That’s why you’re in friend-zone.

She replied, “Sorrryyyy, just look at me as a bro.” I said, “I definitely can’t just see you as a bro, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” She said, “Never…”

Yeah. She knew you were gonna cave.

…And gave me sad eyes. I was like, “Yeah, not anymore.” Then we hugged and she got out. 30 minutes later, she texted me that she really hopes we could be friends soon. I declined, and she continued saying she will remain hopeful and that she hopes she runs into me at some places we used to go. I haven’t spoken to her since, two weeks ago at the time of writing this. 

I think my experience really highlights the importance of following what you teach, Coach.

I’m shocked!

Well, at least you finally got there after 18 dates and emptying your bank account.

Especially, always make a move early on to weed out structured/avoidant women. Also the power of saying no to friends.

Well, the key is you got to mean it. You got to stop interacting with her in platonic ways. Especially again, if you’re going out in four dates or five dates and she’s always trying to do lunch and stuff, then every time after that she reaches out, I wouldn’t even bring up getting together unless she brought it up and then invited her over to make dinner. She says, “Well, let’s do lunch.” Just say,” No. It’s been a long week. I’m just going to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.”

Her attraction was clear the entire time, but she was very avoidant and did not reciprocate open energy during intimate moments.

That’s called low interest, dude, and you are a sucker for believing it.

So this is where you’re focused on how much you like her, and you’re just assuming she feels the same way, despite the fact 18 dates and you didn’t even get any kissy-poo. None!

I think if I had followed your advice more closely, I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak.

Yeah, well you wanted to learn the hard way, and at the end of the day, it made a great email because other guys will see this and go, “Geez, dude!”

Either way, I am looking forward to applying your teachings as I experience new women. Hopefully I will have better success in the future.

Wishing you all the best,

Bob

Well, the book is not going to help you if you’re going to read it and then literally do the opposite. Again, this is why the book is set up, so you avoid this exact situation. This is why you don’t do daytime dates. When a woman says friends, you can say, “Well, I’m down for friends with benefits, but if you only want something platonic, then I’m out. You got my number. You can hit me up. If you change your mind in the future, we can make dinner at my place. You can come over, we can make love afterwards,” and she’s like, “Well, I just think you as a bro.” I would be like, “Yeah, I’m not interested in that. I’m sure there’s plenty of other guys that’d be happy to do that.”

You got to stick to your guns. You just can’t cave and think, “Oh, well I’ll change her mind when I’m hanging out with her and her girlfriends.” It’s like, no, you’re going to be entertaining her and her girlfriends, and then she’s going to go home and fuck Chad Thundercock, her boyfriend, and then you’re going to have blue balls and an empty bank account. It’s a bad way to go, my man.

Thanks for the email because again, it’s a good one to learn from. This is why I teach what I teach. I learned all this stuff the hard way many decades ago, but if you want to try to reinvent the wheel, well that’s on you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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