What you should do if you’ve acted needy and like a girl you’re dating more than she likes you.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25-year-old viewer who has always had a problem acting too needy with women he was dating. This predictably turns them off. He’s been dating a hot bartender and fell back into his old needy ways. He’s way more into her than she is into him. He’s constantly trying to find out where he stands. Her texts are short, and sometimes she waits days to respond. This makes it difficult to set dates since he now matches and mirrors her lack of enthusiasm and effort.
He wants to speed things up, but is now getting back into the book because he realizes that he continues making mistakes because he doesn’t know the material. This email illustrates how difficult it is to recover romantic attraction after acting needy and neurotic. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You got to read the material and get it into your mind, but the most important thing is you got to go out and practice it. Until you practice it, you’re not going to really get better. It’s kind of the equivalent of Tom Brady going to training camp, getting the playbook and going, “Great, I’ll see you the first game, coach,” without any kind of practice or running the plays or working out with the new players that are on the team or what have you.
Repetition is the mother of skill. As Aristotle said, “Excellence is not a singular act. It is a habit. You are what you do repeatedly.” The important thing is, yes, you got to read the book 10-15 times. Most importantly, you got to apply it, because it’s in applying it that you get experience.
Most importantly, you see that what I talk about in the book actually works in the real world. That is what builds your confidence. Then when you come across a girl that you really like, you don’t screw it up like this particular guy did because he says a number of times, that tells me he probably thumbed through it once or twice. Didn’t really take it seriously. Figures, “Hey, I’m a good student, I’m smart. Things are already going better. I got this.” Guys will see a dramatic improvement when they start applying my book, even after reading it a couple of times and they get a little cocky and as the old saying goes, “Pride cometh before the fall.”
I was the same way. And I wrote about this in 3% Man. When I first started learning, things were clicking and connecting the dots, I got cocky. I mean, this is back way in the day, even back when I was getting coached myself from Doc Love, and like things were starting to click. It’s like, I started having all this success and I was like, “Finally I’ve arrived. I got it. I don’t need to learn a material anymore. I totally got this.”
Then what happened, I remember like 90, 120 days later, after this girl I had gotten involved with, which I wrote about in the book, I started reverting back to the old ways as well, because I really liked this girl, and it’s easy to act properly when you don’t really care one way or another, but when you really like the girl, your behavior changes. You start being extra nice because you’re worried about losing the girl because you really like her more than all the others that you’ve come across at that point. It gets infinitely harder to do the right thing if you haven’t taken time to learn the material and practice when you meet a girl that knocks your socks off as you’re going to see with this particular guy.
With that said, let’s go through his email so we can avoid these mistakes. As Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation. Without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”
My name is Bob and I am 25 years old. I’ve read your book a number of times a few years ago and only recently read it another time and have started watching hours of your videos a day.
So he cherry picked. He probably thumbed through it a few years ago. It dramatically improved his pickup and seduction experiences, and so he probably figured, “I got it.” Notice what he says now.
I thought I was confident in the material, but now I know I need to read it many more times because I found a girl I really like…
That’s the problem. He intended to put her on a pedestal because he liked her more than all others. He feared losing her, and when you fear losing someone, you develop an attachment. As the master Yoda said, “Attachment leads to suffering.”
…Went back to my old needy ways, and potentially screwed it up.
In these cases, again, I wrote about this in the book, if a girl was really hot, really into you, like her attraction level on a scale of 1 to 10 is like a 7 or 8 right away. Then you act needy for a couple of weeks in a row and their interest drops or maybe you even get friend zone or she’s dating other guys and you’re only a few weeks into it, so you can’t expect her to really be looking at you as a serious option.
Then you’ll notice that she starts backing off. Instead of being excited about making a date with you, she always has something else. “Oh, darn it. Oh, it works crazy. Just so busy lately. Oh, let me have to look at my schedule. I have to get back to you. I’m confused right now. I’m not looking to date seriously.” You get things like that. When you hear those things, it’s not good, so you have to back off.
What happens is when a guy acts needy, he basically treats the girl like he needs an attaboy from his mommy, like he needs a little pat on the head to say, “ou’re a good little boy.”
Women don’t want to be your mommy. They want you to be their hero. They want you to be the guy that they look up to, respect and admire, a man that can lead and they will happily follow, because he makes them feel so safe and comfortable.
When you start going a girl that you really like and treating her like your mommy and your therapist and you need constant attention and hugs because you didn’t get enough in your family growing up, it’s going to turn her stomach. If you’re supposed to be the confident one, the one that she can lean on and you’re basically treating her like your mommy, it’s going to instantly turn any woman off and disgust her.
Like I said, I wrote about this exact type of scenario that this guy is going through in my book that I went through with my girlfriend that had the young daughter when we first started dating. She’s all grown up. A couple more years she’s going to be 30 and she’s got two babies of her own. It’s like, wow. Time flies. It waits for no one. The sands are flowing through the hourglass.
I met her in a local bar and grill as she was the hot bartender I started hitting on and got her number.
So he probably spent enough time to learn the pickup and seduction stuff that was in the book, but nothing really beyond the dating and the courtship stuff, because that’s where he runs into trouble.
Things were going well and she was showing high levels of attraction while we were together even though she never really texted much if at all between dates.
Well, typically that’s normal, and the first two, three, four weeks of dating until you guys start sleeping together and having sex. That’s why you should just be doing once a week type of dates just to see how she goes because an insecure lunatic is going to get pissed off and upset that you don’t call and text her enough and reveal herself so you can dip early.
A woman who has got her shit together and is typically healthy is going to react positively to that, whereas she’ll start calling or texting or initiating contact because she’s going to want to see more than a week, especially after you guys become intimate. That’s the normal process and the normal progression, but typically, guys like this, she’s really into him at first. He started calling and texting too much and trying to rush things, because deep down he’s driven by fear. Fear that he won’t be loved.
Remember, we all have two primary fears: Fear that we won’t be loved and fear that we’re not enough. In other words, fear that we don’t have what it takes. If you’re driven by those fears and you don’t even realize that tape is playing in your head, it’s understandable when you don’t think you’re good enough, you’re going to constantly be looking, because you expect her to disappear on you. Especially if your experience has always been every time you meet a girl you really like, she disappears after a few weeks or a month or so, and you never really get a straight answer as to why she was really into you at first and then wasn’t later.
Almost 100% of women can’t explain it either. They don’t understand it. All they know is it’s what they feel. In order to avoid that, you’ve got to go slightly slower than she does. It’s obvious this guy started going faster than she was. Which causes him to start acting like the girl. That ruins the sexual polarity. The more it gets closer to 50/50 and the pursuit, the more her feelings become platonic. She just doesn’t feel an urge to see you or spend time with you and may even be thinking that she’s going to friend zone you because she’s just not getting turned on. You’re not giving off enough of that leadership energy and you’re not expressing that confidence.
Most guys, when it starts to happen and they start to backslide, it’s like getting into a flat spin in a plane. It’s very hard to get out of, and that’s where this guy is now. Now he’s emotionally wrapped up and he’s in the middle of this and he doesn’t know the material and he never took the time to really practice it.
Since he really cares, he’s going to tend to fall under the illusion of action and do too much. Call too much, text too much, get upset at her, constantly be trying to find out where he stands with her, basically acting like a chick.
This is where he just starts to make it worse, because this is a guy seeking her attention and validation. If he knew the book, he’d understand that relationships, commitments and relationship and dating labels, boyfriend girlfriend, that is all feminine energy. Just all the woman’s department. Almost 100% of the guys bring this stuff up way too early, too soon before the woman is emotionally ready and she’s feeling like she’s in the same place.
Because he didn’t know the book, he didn’t really know what to look for. He was only focused on his high interest in her and not really paying attention that she wasn’t reciprocating as much. Just like he said, she wasn’t texting as much. Instead of recognizing she’s not texting as much because her interest is low, he’s thinking, “I’m going to use logic and reason to talk her into texting me more, and that way I’ll feel better about myself.” In other words, this is more attention seeking behavior. In other words, he wants more, “Mommy, I did good. Pat me on the head, please.”
After maybe our 6th date, we were pillow talking and I asked her, “So are you just not much of a texter?” And she said, “No, I’ve never really been a big texter in any of my past relationships.” I took this at face value and continued making dates and hooking up. I really like this girl…
We know. You like her too much. You got her on a pedestal and you’re drooling all over her. When you say something like that, “You’re not much of a texter,” you’re basically saying, “Mommy, why don’t you pay more attention to me? I feel like you don’t like me or you don’t care. Oh, I’m so sad.”
This is unattractive, dude. Totally unattractive. This is the opposite of what the book teaches you to do. Notice what he does.
…And was telling my friends about her and I stupidly let my friends talk me into asking her to be my girlfriend.
Or like, “You had her lock her down, put a ring on it. Someone’s going to take her from you,” because they’ve all seen the same movie and TV shows that teach that that’s what men are supposed to do. “Better lock her down,” because obviously all of his friends are driven by fear as well.
Again, this is the exact opposite of what the book instructs, but because he half-assed it and didn’t bother learning the material, he’s getting emotionally burned. How does that feel? How does the rejection feel? It sucks, and that pain is what causes you to make changes. Even though albeit so slowly.
I did it at the end of an intimate date and she was taken aback, but said that she did wanted to be, but I had to meet her family first.
The guy goes, “I got to meet her family first, and then she’ll be my girlfriend. Aha, perfect! So I got a chance.” She was taken aback because it was inappropriate, because the reality is she wasn’t feeling it. If we take a step back and we bottom line her actions instead of, “Hell yeah. I’m so glad. I wish you would have asked me sooner.” Instead she was taken aback. “I want you to meet my family first.”
She’s stalling. Buying time. “What do I do? OK, I don’t have to commit to it right now.” The reason she doesn’t want to commit to it is because she wasn’t feeling it. Because more than likely, hey, she’s a hot bartender and she’s probably got other guys she’s dating and seeing, and this dude that wrote the email is just one of the guys she’s probably hooking up with or dating. That’s the way it is.
Hot bartender in a bar full of thirsty dudes. It’s like, you’re not the only guy that’s sitting on a row. When you act needy and neurotic like this, you chase her into the arms of another guy. Which it sounds like you’re doing a good job of that.
This was about a month ago and there is still no sign of me meeting her family.
“Oh, darn it. I still haven’t met the family yet and I can’t lock her down.” You know, there’s a stall tactic. That’s what it was. “Meet my family.” You get bamboozled when you don’t know the book. It’s like you didn’t know what to look for. “You’ve got to meet my family first.” A month later, she’s like, “Oh, yeah. Things are crazy with their schedule. I’ve talked to them about it. Well, we’ll get around to that.”
She doesn’t care. If she was like, “Oh my God. Thankfully, he asked me to be his girlfriend,” she would have been all over that. The point being is her reaction included a stall tactic. Bottom line, she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. That’s what happened. That’s the reality. You’re acting like a chick and you’re turning her off with the constant need for attention, approval, attaboys and treating her like your mommy. It’s unattractive.
Just like he said, she was taken aback. “Girlfriend. Like what?” She’s probably thinking, “man.” She’s sleeping with three other dudes, probably. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s a good chance that she is, because you ain’t that big a priority to her. You’re already telling your friends and your friends are like, “Lock her down.”
You should stop asking guys that don’t understand women for advice, especially when you have the answers in your hand, but it’s much easier to ask your friends that don’t know what the hell they’re doing and then blame them later. Then you don’t have to have any responsibility for it.
We still see each other about once a week and she’s always very touchy, talkative, and affectionate when we hang out and the sex is amazing.
Well, so you’re still in the running.
Her texting is still sporadic and takes hour and sometimes days to reply.
If she’s taken days to reply to you, you’re a very low priority. You’re just one of the guys she’s fucking, sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s obvious you’re not that important to her. If a girl takes days to reply, I wouldn’t be trying to set a date 1 or 2 days in the future. I’d be setting a date for a week in the future.
I match and mirror this behavior to try and not over pursue, but it can make planning date’s difficult.
You’ve got to recognize dude, her interest is low. She might be a five or a six towards you. I would say if I was a betting man, it’s a probably a solid five.
I still let her reach out to me first and she often says something like, “Hi, How are you? :).” I reply and we go back and fourth for a couple messages before saying, “I’d love to see you. What’s your availability like this week?”
Well, the phones are for setting dates, and all this bullshit chit chat, send a few messages, it’s not necessary. If she reaches out and she’s like, “Hi, how are you?” It’s like, “Hey you, I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” Boom. Go right in. “What’s your schedule like? Want to see you.” Instead of, “Oh, I’m doing great. How are you? Oh, that’s nice. Somebody’s dog took a shit in my front lawn and I stepped in it the other day and it oozed in between my toes and it wasn’t a very good feeling, but how is your day going? Oh, by the way, what’s your schedule like? Want to get together for a date?”
I’m being kind of a smart ass, but that’s kind of probably the context of the vibe of the pointless conversation he’s having. Be direct and decisive and get to the point. Like the book says, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, make a date. You don’t need to send 4 or 5 nice texts back and forth. It’s totally unnecessary.
This gets tough because we are replying to each other every 8 hours or even once a day and this can make planning a date for later in the week difficult…
Again, plan it for next week. Plan it a week and a half in advance or two weeks.
…When it takes 3-4 days of texting to make the date.
Yeah, well cut out the bullshit text. You also got to recognize dude, her interest is low. You got her on a pedestal. You’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. You’re just like an occasional fuck buddy, occasional friends with benefits to her, and probably, quite frankly, one of the dudes that she’s sleeping with.
What should I do?
You should back off. You are still pursuing too much, you’re still focused on her and you should also still be dating other women so you can improve your skills and you should be reading the book 10-15 times. You should put it on two-speed while you follow along with a digital physical copy. You can get through it in under four hours. If you’re a serious student or if you really enjoy the blue balls, then just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great.
Should I call her when she text me and reaches out to get to conclusions faster?
That’s your whole problem. You’re trying to speed things up. She can feel it. She can sense that. She can smell your desperation. It’s unattractive. If it was me, I would not initiate any contact at all and just set dates in the future, a week, week and a half in the future, especially if she’s slow rolling you and taking a day or two to reply.
If a woman’s taken 24 hours or more to reply to you, her interest is super low. You’re barely hanging on by your fingernails. I would say you’re barely a five on a scale of 1 to 10 as far as attraction from the book and her eyes towards you.
Should I address the relationship thing by saying something like “let’s not complicate things. Let’s just continue having fun…”
No, because the only reason you’re trying to say that is you’re trying to communicate to her, “Hey, I’m not needy like you thought I was.” It’s unnecessary. Your actions and your vibe have already spoken for you, dude.
Again, this is more of the illusion of action. What can I do to make her like me more? Back off. Do less. Go date other women. If you got other women you’re dating and sleeping with, especially when you’re trying to learn this stuff, you’re going to be cockier. You’re going to have more swagger and you’re going to be less inclined to jump through your butt and be extra nice when she’s slow rolling you on the responses.
…Because I can tell that dropped her attraction for me.
He’s thinking because her attraction has dropped, there’s just no reason. To just say that in the middle of a sentence because you’re thinking it’s going to make her like you more, which is basically everything you’re doing. What can I say? What can I do to make her like me more? Well, act like a man. Follow what the book teaches. Actually learn what the book teaches and apply it and have other options, and stop putting this girl on a pedestal.
I know I made some big mistakes and I’m ready to be roasted.
Yes, you did.
Thanks for all your help, Coach. Your work has changed my life forever.
Well, it will dramatically improve it even way beyond anything you’ve ever experienced if you actually take the time to read it 10-15 times and learn it and you date some other women, have some other choices and other options. It’s obvious you put all your eggs in this basket here and you’re thinking, “How can I make her my girlfriend?” When the way she’s acted it’s almost like, “How can I let this guy down easy?” Maybe the sex is really good and that’s why she keeps getting together with you.
If she’s reaching out to you first, that’s a good sign, but your whole vibe, your whole mindset is you’re trying to rush everything. She can sense it. She can feel it. She can smell your desperation. That’s why it’s taking excruciatingly slow to get anywhere with her because you’ve, in essence, chased her away and you’re still not backing off enough.
What you have to do is she’s got to start to develop a sense of dread and worrying about where she stands with you. Because you still don’t back off enough, she never really gets to that point. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. With you constantly trying to lock her down and drooling all over her, she knows where she stands with you. That’s why she disappears for a couple of days, because she’s probably hanging out with Chad Thunder Cock.
You got to slow your roll, dude. Even more than you already have. It’s not enough, because her interest should be going up as the weeks go by. You shouldn’t be two, three months into it. Even though you’re hooking up with this girl, at least you say you’re hooking up with this girl, and yet she’s taking days to reply to you.
When a woman is taking days to reply to you, it shows you’re not that important. If she takes a day or two to reply to you, then set a date two weeks in the future. Don’t set one in a couple of days. He’s desperate to get at least one a week. If you just back off a little bit more, you should start to see better results.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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