How to get your wife or girlfriend back after neglecting your responsibilities as a man.
In this video coaching newsletter I discus an email from a viewer who read my book, 3% Man, 7 years ago and landed the woman of his dreams. Then he says life got in the way and he got away from the principles in the book. He lost his job and was out of work for a year. They went through their life savings and the stability was gone. She left him and filed for divorce. They have a daughter together. He wants her back. He’s in therapy and counseling and wants to fight for his wife as he puts it. He doesn’t know what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, I Began To Collapse. Stability Was Gone. Then My Wife Left Me. How Do I Get Her Back?
Well, this particular email is from a viewer. He says he read my book 3% Man, seven years ago. Landed the woman of his dreams. And then about a couple of years ago, he’s a firefighter. He was trying to, I guess, change jobs or change where he was stationed at.
And I guess he quit his old job assuming he was going to get the new one and that didn’t work out. And so, he was unemployed for like a year, went through all of his savings.
Then he got depressed. He said he just completely got away from the principles of The Book, because he said he read it at first, and then he got her, and then never really went back to it and referred to the book at all.
So, he’s in therapy and counseling and his wife has filed for divorce. He’s like, I want to get her back. So, this is obviously not an easy situation because she’s already left, filed for divorce. And he’s like, what do I do?
I read your book 7 years ago and was able to land the woman of my dreams. While I did read it over and over, I messed up and stopped reading.
(I know, I know.)
And he puts “I know, I know” in parentheses. Because the idea is if once you’ve gotten through it especially if you’re in a relationship, at least once a year, you should go back to it and refer to it just to hold yourself accountable.
Because you got to remember, we’re all surrounded by the same propaganda that’s teaching men and women. In other words, teaching men to act like women, and women to act like men. And you’re consuming media. You’re consuming TV shows, movies, without realizing it.
Whatever you observe, you participate in. And so, if you’re not going back from time to time being reminded of the fundamentals, you could see guys like this backslide. And then he went through a difficult time. And then it just it became like a flat spin. It became like a crash and burn. So, it’s a very difficult situation to turn things around.
We got married, had a daughter and life got in the way. I work as a fireman paramedic and between work and home, I never made time to read. 2 years ago, I tried to leave my department for a better one but failed. I was unemployed for a year and all our life savings is gone. I began to collapse, stability was gone and recently my wife left me.
I didn’t know it at the time, but been suffering depression for years. The sex and emotional connection we had was disconnected. I’m currently getting professional help, but I don’t know if I can get my wife back.
I am re-reading The Book while getting professional help (PTSD with childhood trauma associated.) She does ask how I am doing but still very distant. She left October 29TH.
And so, we’re like, I’m filming this on the 20th of December. So, you’re a little over a month and a half after she left.
Recently learned she filed for divorce on November 8th. She does ask how I am doing with my care, and she will make small talk. I’m following your words as much as I can because we are only texting right now.
Coach, I love this woman and our family we made. I don’t reach out until she does and do my best to ask questions, “How was your day? Tell me about your day? How are you?” I am willing to fight for wife but don’t know what more I can do.
Thanks for helping me land this woman and I hope I can still keep her. Any advice or suggestions appreciated.
Side note: going to an in-patient treatment directed only for Fire and Police. Will be a 60 day treatment facility if that matters.
So, I assume that means that he’s at the facility, and that means he can’t leave while he’s there, because it’s in treatment. And so, he’s limited. The only way he can talk to his wife and his daughter is through the phone. So, it’s not like he can go on dates or do anything like that. And so, in this particular case, obviously, as he said, he’s reading the book again.
So, if we take a step back, because we’ve got to be brutally honest here. What happened is that you went through a difficult time financially. And as many of you know, when a guy is doing well, when his life is going well, he’s stable, he’s got a good job, roof over his head, cash flows coming in good. He’s going to tend to want to be in a more stable long term relationship and feel good to do that.
Whereas if he’s bouncing around from job to job, and he’s not really financially stable, guys in that case are typically going to be more inclined to get involved in short time relationships. And so, here’s a guy. He’s married, he’s in a marriage, loses his job, has a hard time finding a job, goes through depression.
And so, I’ve said this many times over the years that what I’ve noticed in the 20 years that I’ve been doing this stuff. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 30 years or like in this case, seven years. Women will give you about 6 to 12 months to flail around and get your shit together.
But if it goes beyond a year and you’re just not helping yourself, like in this case, this guy lost his job and he said he was going through depression. So, I’m assuming that he really didn’t put the full effort he needed into to getting a new job and replacing that income.
And so, at some point, his wife just got to the point where she’s like, I’m basically being the man of the household here because my husband’s completely falling down on me. He’s not doing anything. He’s not helping himself. He’s not getting another job. And eventually every woman is just going to reach their limit because you’re supposed to have more masculinity than she does.
You’re supposed to be the leader of the household. And you basically tapped out and said, “I’m depressed. I can’t help myself at this point. I need professional help”, and it’s good that you’re getting help. But from a from a woman’s perspective, she’s got a small child to raise, and you’re no longer working, or doing much to help yourself.
And on top of that, now you’re in time out basically for two full months to where you can’t work, you can’t do anything. Because you’re at an inpatient treatment facility, and it’s good that you’re getting help. But she needs the king of her kingdom, she needs a guy that she can count on.
And you’ve basically tapped out and said, “I can’t handle life. It’s too hard. I can’t be the man you expected me to be.” That’s what happened here. She got into a relationship with you, and you changed. You allowed what happened in your career, as you said to completely get you off track.
It’s like, if you go into business with somebody, you typically have a partnership agreement. And in that partnership agreement, it spells out what each partner brings to the partnership. And it also spells out (if you’re smart when you go into business) what happens if one of the partners becomes incapacitated, or just like in this case, decides life’s too hard, and they’re not going to bring what they need to bring to the partnership.
Then there needs to be terms in that partnership agreement that spells out what happens. What happens if this person no longer brings the value to the business that they are expected to bring? Well, typically there’s a way to buy them out or get them out of the company so you can bring somebody else in to make up for that.
And so, like in this particular case, he’s just basically said, “Hey, I’m not up to the task of being a husband and a provider. And instead I want to go through a, you know, I want to be depressed.” Or, “I’m not going to help myself.” She gave him about a year and tapped out.
So, it’s the numbers just line up with that. And so, what you have to do is you got to get back to being the guy that you were that she fell in love with. That means working out, taking care of your body. And then once you get past this in treatment facility, once you’re out of that, then you got to go find a job. You got to take care of you.
And what you basically did is you became a child, instead of being a teammate and an equal. You became a child that she had to take care of. And she already has one small child to take care of. And if you’re not going to be the breadwinner that you were, she’s going to figure out some way that she’s got to make up for that.
And you can’t expect her to just sit around and basically be your mommy when you’re supposed to be a teammate and an equal. And you’re supposed to be leading the family. And so, you as quickly as possible, you got to get back to being that competent guy because she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable giving you another chance.
If you’re continuing to flail around and not do anything to help yourself. And so, once you get out, you get a job, you start working. All of the arrangements with your daughter need to be arranged ahead of time. So, it gives you no reason to have to call her. And plus, if everything is arranged ahead of time, then there’s really no reason for her to call you.
And so, that makes it much easier to create the conditions where she comes up with reasons to call you. And then you obviously want to work things out. But she’s filing for divorce right now, and you can’t work anything out if the other person is not willing to participate.
And so, all you can really do is communicate that you know you’re going to get your shit together when you get out of this treatment facility. And you’re going to get a job, and you’re going to get back to being the guy that she fell in love with.
It’d be great if she wants to keep the family together, but if she doesn’t, there’s not a lot you can do. And if that happens, you’ll have to move on, and start meeting and dating other women and moving on with your life. Because your purpose for your personal life should be like, obviously in this case is you wanted a wife and you wanted a family.
Well, you don’t have the wife anymore. You still have the family because you got a daughter, and so you at least got to get back to the place where you’re a competent man again, where you can take care of yourself, hold down a stable job, pay your own bills, and be somebody that she can count on and be reliable.
You’re going to want to get back to being fun and playful, and exhibiting all the behaviors that are in The Book. Because that’s what not only your ex-wife to be will be attracted to, but other women in general. And so, as a man, your responsibility is to control the controllables.
The things, obviously, your body being first and foremost, and then taking care of your body because you need your health, you have your health, and you can hold down a stable job so you can pay the bills and take care of yourself. And like I said, you just basically tapped out and said, “Life’s too hard. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
And you made her the man in the relationship. And you stopped being the guy that she fell in love with. So naturally, I mean, she gave you a year to get it right, and you didn’t get it right. So, will it work out? Will she give you another chance? That all depends on you. And it depends on where she’s at. Has she met anybody else? Has she started dating somebody else?
I mean, she gave you a long time. You had a long time. You had years to get your act together, and you didn’t. So, this is not like something that went on for a few weeks. It’s like went on for a long time. And so, she has a lot of experience with prodding you and asking you to do things. And you just you didn’t. You didn’t do it. And so, she gave up.
She just assumed that this is who you are now, and she no longer can count on you in the ways that she did in the past. And so, you’re going to have to get back to being that guy. That fun, playful guy who has his shit together, has a good paying job, has a good life, has good friends. And if she wants to hang, great, and if she doesn’t, you’ll go hang out with, and spend your time with other people that are excited to have you there.
And that’s what I would do. And if you’re around her and you’re hanging out, it’s like, you’re looking for all the signs she’s attracted, playing with her hair, touching your arms, standing too close, sending you selfies, or pictures, or memes. It’s like all the stuff that you need.
All the tools are in The Book that tell you what to look for. And then once you see that your wife is feeling attracted, make a date. Make a date for her and your daughter to do something together. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s that simple. But if she’s going full speed ahead with the divorce, it’s like, I wouldn’t.
I mean, she’s filed already, but you’ll sign the paperwork if she wants you to, but you’re not going to be the guy driving the divorce. You’re open to working things out, but if she’s not interested in working things out, then you’re going to find another girl who wants to spend time with you, and wants to date you.
And you’re going to be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and what’s in The Book. You got to take care of you, dude. You dug yourself a really deep hole. And you know, what are the odds? 50/50. It could go either way. But, I don’t know where she’s at, but she’s already filed divorce in a matter of weeks after she left you.
So, that seems like she’s serious, and it might be too late. She might be gone. But either way, the things that attract her, or attract somebody else they’re in The Book. And so, you’re going to have to exhibit those behaviors, and become an attractive man to women in general again.
And if you or somebody like you needs help with that, then go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur