I Called Off Our Wedding When I Found Out About Her Past

Some things to consider if you don’t want to go through with your wedding.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who just called off his wedding 6 weeks before they were to get married. His now ex had cheated on him after she revealed how she deceived him. The longer they were together the more she admitted her lies about her past until he just couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out to her a few times, but she never replied. He asks my opinion.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Yes. From now on in this conversation, when you send a transcript, I’ll automatically do the same cleanup: correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization, sentence boundaries, obvious transcription errors, and dialogue quotation marks while keeping the wording and conversational style as intact as possible. I’ll also preserve the formatting exactly—bold italics stay bold italics, and regular text stays regular. For this transcript:

So this particular email is about finding out about his girlfriend—or his fiancée, now ex-fiancée. Her past was kind of like peeling the layers of an onion. Every time, as they were together, a little bit more would come out. That’s the total truth. And then, at some point down the line, she’d feel the urge to come clean. A little more would come out.

And I guess about a month or two before—probably about two months, I guess—before they were supposed to get married, she told him even more things that he was just like, “That’s it, I’m out.” So he breaks the wedding off, and then afterwards he misses her because he says they got along really well. It’s just the thing that obviously he had a hard time with was all the lies and the deception.

So they had started dating, and they were, I don’t know, 3 or 4 weeks in. They had unprotected sex on the second date, and about three weeks in, she’s like, “Oh, by the way,” she’s got herpes. And he’s like, “Oh.” So he wasn’t too happy about that. He goes out of town. He says, “I need to think about this.” And then she goes and sleeps with another guy.

It’s technically cheating on him. I don’t know if they were exclusive or not, but he forgave her for that because they got along well. And again, you’ll see, he just keeps finding out more things about this girl. She’s just not really coming clean with what her past was really about.

So it’s a good email to see because if you are driven by your emotions, you’re going to make a mistake and marry somebody like this. And on top of that, her dad was always cheating on her mom. So clearly, loyalty is not really a value that her father taught her. And she clearly—you know, the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.

But yet this guy kept saying, “Okay, well, we got so much, so much other connection that I’m gonna let it slide.” But again, he just kept finding out more and more things, and eventually he just said, “I’m out.” But then afterwards, he contacted her a few times, and she just completely ignored him.

Viewer Email:

Hello Sir,

I have a very interesting and tragic case study of a relationship that you may be interested in.

Our relationship started wonderfully. We went on 5 fantastic dates over 3 weeks, and the chemistry was amazing. We had unprotected sex on the second date. Around the 3-week mark, she came over and told me she had something she needed to tell me. We sat down, and she opened up about the fact that she had herpes, claiming her ex was a terrible dude, cheated on her during their 5-year relationship (when she got it), and was very manipulative.

So that does happen sometimes because girls tell a guy right away they got the gift that keeps on giving. Most guys are like, “I’m out.” But if they’re on Valtrex or something like that, typically it only gets transmitted—it’s like 80% effective, I think, is what the literature says on it. It’s 80% effective at preventing transmission. In other words, when you have the outbreaks, that’s when you pass it along.

So it’s not fun to be dating somebody and they’re like, months later, “Oh, by the way, guess what?” So there’s that. There’s—I mean, it shows a level of deception right from the get-go. Now, most guys, if they were smart, would be like, “Hey, you know, that’s not fucking cool.” But when you’re too far down the road, they’re like, “Well, it’s just not something you tell somebody when you first meet them,” which is not very nice, because then you’ve put the dude at risk and he had no idea.

We sat down and she opened up about the fact she had herpes, claiming her ex was a terrible dude, cheated on her during their five-year relationship when she got it, and was very manipulative.

I could tell she was being vulnerable, and I wanted to be there for her, but I was caught off guard. I tried to comfort her.

Well, I mean, quite frankly, what about you? What about your comfort? I mean, she lied to you and deceived you and put you at risk. That wasn’t very nice. You didn’t get a vote in that. You presupposed she was being honest.

She said she would be out of town for work for 5 days, and I could take the time to make a decision about whether I could look past that. I used the time to think critically about the question. We still texted, but there was an elephant in the room. When she came back, I told her I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. So we did, and it was, again, amazing up until a few months later.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

She then admitted that during that work trip she slept with another man.

Ah, that hoe ain’t loyal.

I was mortified.

And you could say, “Oh, well, she didn’t know if he was gonna stick around or not. She was feeling bad, so she just slept with somebody else.” Who? She probably didn’t tell him that she had herpes, too, either. So she’s just clearly not making good decisions.

I started wondering what kind of girl she was.

Well, she’s a liar and a cheater. That’s what she is because that’s what her dad taught her. And at that point, you should have been like, “Check, please.”

We broke up for a few days, but I recognized that she was feeling really rejected by my uncertainty at the time, and I was going to try to move past it.

So it’s your fault that she cheated. Instead of waiting around and being loyal, she decided to just go fuck somebody else. So when she’s not happy, that’s what she does. Statistically, 95% of the relationships that come from cheating end in cheating. So, in other words, two people are together. They’re both cheating on their spouses or significant other. They leave their spouses, get together, have a relationship. There’s a 95% chance that one or both of them, at some point, when they’re not happy, are going to cheat on each other. That’s just—those are the numbers. There’s still 5%. But do you really want—do you really want to mess with that? Do you want to mess with somebody that’s a liar and a cheater? Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

So we got back together and dated with great success. One time on a road trip, we were opening up about our past, and she admitted to having threesomes with her ex-boyfriend. I asked, “Was it with another girl or guy?” She said just once with another girl, and asked if it was with other guys, would I be disappointed?

Why would she ask that if it was just with a girl? She said, “Well, if there were two guys and just me, would you be disappointed?” So that right there is like, she’s not telling you the whole truth. You got to be able to read between the lines. And so she’s going, “Okay, well, I’m not going to tell him that part because he wouldn’t like that.”

I said, honestly, yes (knowing that would be a deal breaker for me).

Okay. So she just—she told him a lie because you’ll see later on, the real truth comes out.

She assured me it was only with another girl. Fast-forward 2 years into our relationship, we are engaged and getting married in 3 months. Everything has been incredible so far, out of a fairy tale.

Well, except for the fact she lied and cheated. And you don’t really know what happens when she goes on business trips. You don’t really know what happens. How can you trust somebody like that? You can be sleeping with one eye open. You have kids with a woman like this, you wonder, “Are these even my kids?” Why would you want to put yourself through that?

If you’re going to be long-term with somebody, if you’re going to have a family, especially if you’re going to get married and put the state in charge of how to divide up your assets if it doesn’t work out, man, that’s just such huge downside risk. It’s just not—I mean, you gotta understand, statistically, you’re already at least 50% chance it’s not going to work out. So if you are going to get married and you are going to involve the government, statistically, what’s interesting is couples that get a prenuptial agreement, they stay together more than couples that don’t have one.

And when you don’t have one, then the state basically determines how your stuff gets split up. And usually that’s a lose-lose proposition for all parties—for the wife, the husband, the ex-husband-to-be, and the kids. It’s not good for anybody except the lawyers. So you got to be smart—smarter to get a prenup if you’re going to involve the government in your relationship.

We go to a church premarital course. Afterwards, she sits me down and tells me that not only has she had threesomes with girls, but also once with another man, and orgies on 3 occasions, including many more threesomes with other girls.

Remember, it just happened the one time, I promise. Honest, you can trust me. Oof!

She had used a swingers hookup app with her boyfriend for some of the occasions.

She had used a swingers hookup app with her boyfriend for some of the occasions, so I assume they probably—whoever she was talking to, she revealed all these things, like, “Well, you got to tell your husband-to-be about this.” Love cannot exist where there is no trust. So it’s nice that she came clean, but you’re also like, yeah, it’s kind of like test-driving a car. It’s like, “Wow, looks great. Kind of sounds great.” Then you have a mechanic look at the engine. He’s like, “Ah, car’s fucked.”

She was also highly promiscuous, including fucking 3 guys in just 10 days when she went to Brazil by herself for a festival.

Well, she had a little hoe phase, but then again, it’s like she kind of is a hoe.

My world was upside down. I started asking about how many partners she had been with. Originally, she said 18, but later it grew to 26…

That’s why they say with women, you double or triple the number they tell you. Guys usually cut it in half or figure it’s a third. So if a dude said he slept with 50 girls, it’s probably 20, if that. But if a woman says, “I only slept with ten,” it’s probably 30 or 40. What you really need to know is, is she loyal? Can you trust her? And clearly, she’s not trustworthy because everything—the whole relationship’s been based on a lie. Or I should say, a bunch of lies.

…Including 4 girls. I had been with 39 myself, but I was 5 years older than her at 32 and had been single for 6–7 years of my life. She was 27 and had only been single for maybe a year and a half.

Well, it’s not hard for women to get laid. Not at all.

She had been hooking up at a higher rate than I had. I also am old-fashioned and felt that girls should be more selective than men.

Yeah. About that. If you go through all the ex-boyfriends that a girl has, or she tells you about them, you’re gonna be like, “Most of those guys are douches.” That’s just typically what happens, especially when you’re comparing them to yourself. Remember, women make their decisions based upon emotions, and sometimes they’re just horny and ovulating.

We went to counseling for months. When I was with her, I wanted to move past it for the girl of my dreams, but when we were apart, it weighed on me.

Well, again, you know, she—”Oh, I’m going on a business trip. Oh, by the way, I slept with somebody else. Sorry, but I wasn’t sure you wanted to be with me.” It’s like, that’s your judgment? You couldn’t even hold out for a few days or a week or two before you fuck somebody else.

My personality was split. I lost sleep and couldn’t concentrate at work.

Well, that’s your Spidey sense telling you, going, “Ah, you don’t really…” Even now, with all the supposed honesty, it’s probably still not the whole truth. Because she has shown you, for all the years you guys have been together, that she will lie to your face, promise you that she’s totally come clean and told you everything, and then later on down the line, at some point, she’ll tell you even more details that she left out. She lies by omission, just like the media does.

One day, she wrote me a lovely 5-page letter of the trauma she had been through, how her dad cheated on her mom…

Well, there you go. That’s the example it set at home. You can’t fix that. Now, if the dad had cheated on Mom and she hated him for it and resolved to never be that way, and she was a good, loyal girlfriend all the times with the guy she was with, that’d be a different story. But it’s not because she was with a guy that was lying and cheating to her face. Probably basically dating her dad, who was a total dirtbag, and she stayed with him even though he continued to cheat. But then again, it sounds like they really kind of had an open relationship anyways. Or she was expected to honor the commitment, but he didn’t.

…And her boyfriend was a piece of shit.

Well, that was her best thinking at the time. Clearly, her judgment sucks.

She wanted to grow past it. She later told me of another hookup she had forgotten about and left out.

Oh, what a coinkydink. Oops, I forgot about this one time. It’s one time at band camp. Uh, oops.

I started asking more questions. Finally, I found out she had a kink for black people and that 90% of the men she had been with were black. I hit a boiling point. As a non-black man, this felt like the final straw. I believe that she is a great girl, capable of growth, and would make a great Mom and Wife.

How can somebody that lies to your face so repeatedly and so often, and so callously, be considered a great mom and a wife? It’d be one thing if she had lied to you in the beginning and came clean and never lied since. But nothing’s changed. She’s still lying to this day. That’s why you can’t get any sleep.

But I was not sure I could ever move past this constellation of ugly acts in her past. I called off the wedding 6 weeks prior to the date. She moved out, and we cut ties entirely. I reached out a few times, and she didn’t answer.

It’s good for you that she didn’t, because it sounds like you probably would have gotten back together with her.

Which I think is probably for the best, for now anyways. Outside of what I had learned and how our relationship started, she was perfect.

She’s perfect, except for the fact that she’s a liar and a cheater. And she was raised by a liar and cheater, and her ex-boyfriend was a liar and cheater. You are who you associate with. If you lie down with dogs, you’re gonna get fleas. That’s the way it is. Character is destiny. Love cannot exist where there is no trust.

And again, it’d have been a different story if she just lied to you in the beginning because she’s worried about what you think. But when the lies just keep coming and, “Oops. Oh, here’s this other time. Oops. Here’s another time I forgot about.” It’s like, come on.

I felt aligned on major principles, chemistry was great, sex was even better. But all I knew was that I could not marry her in 6 weeks. I was not okay.

Well, at least you listened to your Spidey sense.

Now I feel relief but miss her deeply.

Well, remember, your whole identity was wrapped up in your future and your life and your relationship with her. Now, all of a sudden, she’s gone and you’re not speaking. So when you’ve been together with somebody for so many years, you do everything together, and now all of a sudden it’s just you again, and now you’re trying to get back to the way you were before you met her.

And what typically happens with guys in your situation, which obviously happened with you, is that they can hold out for maybe 90 days, and then they try to go back because they don’t find anybody better. And that’s what’s happening. You haven’t found anybody else yet. Now you’re panicking, thinking, “Well, was I too judgmental? Did I do the wrong thing?”

Luckily for you, she hasn’t responded. Probably because she’s already in with somebody else anyways and probably won’t tell that dude anything because she probably learned her lesson. But looking at her history and the fact that she just perpetually lies—lying is a way of life for her—and she’s not going to change.

I will always love her, even from afar. I’m not sure I will ever get over her past…

You will. When you get together with somebody who’s a good person. This woman was garbage. She was a garbage human.

…But a big part of me still wants her and wonders if forgiveness is possible.

What’s your thoughts?

Bob

How can you forgive somebody who perpetually lies to you? I mean, having kids with her—I mean, what happens when your kids are, like, ten years old and you start looking at them going, “Yeah, my son doesn’t really look like me. My son or my daughter doesn’t look like me.” I’ve had a lot of clients over the years that are in that situation. You don’t want to be in that situation. Character is destiny.

You gave this girl an opportunity to come clean countless times, and she’d tell you a little bit, and then later on, she’d tell you more. And even when she told you finally you had the whole truth, that she had totally come clean, she goes, “Oh, well, actually, here’s this side of things.” So you just can’t believe a woman that behaves this way.

And that’s not your fault. That’s her dad’s fault. Her dad screwed her up. But it’s your job to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes that she and her family did. Because, again, you marry this girl and you have kids with her, this is the value system she’s going to teach your kids. And the dad who’s a liar and cheater, he’s going to teach your kids to be that way. So you got to think about that.

So your potential wife and her whole family is going to do nothing but teach your kids to be fucking dirtbags. Is that something you’re proud of and you want to happen? I wouldn’t think so. I wouldn’t want that. It’s—yeah, you can forgive her, but at the end of the day, she still lies to you. And you’re never really going to get the full truth of what she was really doing or what she was up to.

So your Spidey sense was telling you, “Hey, dude, it’s time to tap out.” Your feelings are your truth. Feelings are the language of the soul. And you need to honor that, and you need to listen to that. I found, again, I wrote about this in 3% Man, when I didn’t listen to my Spidey sense, I made horrendous decisions. And when I did, the outcomes turned out way better.

So, as Wayne Dyer, the late, great Wayne Dyer, used to say, “When you trust in yourself, you’re trusting in the same wisdom that created you.” That’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for my Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. And the good news is with my Website, you can do a seven day free trial to check out all the great content and extensive library of additional content that you get for being a Premium Member. And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, sign up for a seven day free trial for a Premium Membership. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.