The importance of being charming, sweet, loving and saying things like, “I love you,” “I can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” etc., and how not handling or reciprocating these phrases or emotions to your girlfriend or wife can make them slowly lose attraction for you over time, think that you don’t care about them, and cause you to come off as too much of a cold fish, which will lead to you getting dumped eventually.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his first real girlfriend after things started off so easy and effortless. They never fought when they were together and dated for about six months. She even approached him first. Everything in their relationship was awesome… at first. They did have serious discussions about things they were not happy with in their relationship without arguing. He started parroting the “I love you’s” back to her at first, but he was unsure of what they meant. He was raised in a military family and not used to hearing or saying those things. He started to back off during the summer break from college when they were apart. He went to see her, and she asked him if he loved her. His response was less than stellar. She broke up with him. He wants to know what to do, how he should act and how he should interact with her when they are back at school in a few weeks, since they will see each other all the time. He already told her he was not interested in being friends only. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
Hello Coach Wayne,
I had never been in a serious relationship until I started college. This incredible girl came up to me and started talking, and a couple weeks later we started dating. (Attraction is not a choice. She put herself into your orbit.) Everything was awesome, and we never really fought, just had serious discussions about things we didn’t like about us. Even though she was my first real relationship, I didn’t fuck up anything, and we were apparently the cutest couple at school. How cliché, I know. We dated for a good 4 months, and when she told me “I love you,” of course I said it back. However, I was really unsure about it, because it was my first relationship, and I didn’t know what that meant for us. (You were over thinking things.) We dated for 2 more months when summer break happened. Then she had to move to Florida, so we were long distance. This is when trouble started, because she wanted constant communication about my feelings like, “I miss you,” and, “can’t wait to see you,” but I was raised in a military family, so I was so used to having a loved one gone and not hearing from them for at least 2 weeks. I’m used to not communicating to people when they’re not with me, but she’s the total opposite on that point.
Shit got serious when, by coincidence, my family decided to move two hours from where her family lived. The move was stressful for us, and she told me that I didn’t express myself enough and wanted for me to tell her my emotions and shit. (It’s so important to learn relationship skills. Women want to be in a love story. If you continue to be a cold fish, she’s going to let you know she’s not happy about it.) I told her I would, but to be fair, I really didn’t. I went to visit her for the second time, I’d been here only 2 weeks, and we had a great day! We went to the beach, made out like savages, went to watch a movie and ended it with a dinner. We got into serious conversation, and she asked me out of the blue if I loved her. My dumb ass said, “I think so,” we got in a non-heated argument, and she broke up with me. (Women want to feel more special than any woman in your life.) However, she still wanted to be friends and see how things were when we got back to school, saying she still loved me, I was her best friend, and she would hate for us to lose each other. Not trying to cause a scene of emotion with her family, I left.
We talked the next day, and I tried to convince her that I truly cared and things would be different at school. I then saw a couple of your videos and saw the walk away from a bad deal, so I told her we can’t be just friends, because that’s not what I wanted. She said, “we’ll see how things are at school,” which I was cool with. The trouble is, with us having the same friends and a lot of classes together, how can I move on and walk away if she’s always there with me once school starts in 4 weeks? (You told her you’re not interested in being just friends, and she is just pushing you away. If she’s not willing to work things out, the best thing you can do is read my book 10-15 times, and prepare yourself by learning the fundamentals I teach before you return to school. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. The next time you hear from her, assume she wants to see you and make a date.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women want to be in a love story. It’s a turn off to a woman when a man is too mushy, talks about his feelings too much and acts like her boyfriend before she has even gotten to know him well enough for her feelings to develop slowly over time. It’s also a turn off to a woman when a man is not mushy enough, hardly ever talks about his feelings for her and does not make her feel special after they have been together for a while. A good rule of thumb for a man to follow is to slowly match and mirror a woman’s emotional, verbal and physical intensity, and to slowly back off when he notices her becoming bored, losing enthusiasm or pulling away. Why? Women are like cats. Sometimes they are really affectionate and want to be close, and sometimes they simply like to wander away and be apart. Men who understand this principle are indifferent and not diminished, but ready to shower their women with praise, respect, affection, love and romance when they predictably come back. Men must learn to find a happy medium and balance between being too dopey and being too much of a cold fish; both extremes will lead to certain rejection.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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