What it means and what you should do if you catch your girlfriend lying about a guy from work she likes.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who recently started catching his girlfriend of 3 years lying about a guy from work. She obviously flirts with him and invites his attention. She also gushes about her feelings for this coworker to her female friends. The coworker FaceTimed her when they were at home and he overhead their conversation. When he confronted her about it, she lied to try and cover it up. He asked for her phone and she got busted in her lie.
She has lied multiple times about this other dude. She speaks often about marriage and having kids with him, but she also says that she has a fear of missing out in life. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email is from a guy, he’s been following my work for several years, been an avid student. For the last three years he’s been dating his girlfriend, I think they might even live together or she’s staying at his house a lot. In the last few months, I guess he happened to be using her phone one time and found some messages between her and one of her girlfriends talking about this guy from work and her feelings. She feels like she’s in middle school, and how do I get rid of these feelings? Meanwhile, she’s hanging out with this guy and it’s obvious that she is inviting attention from this guy and encouraging him to pursue her, pursue his interest and vice versa.
This just boils down to character is destiny. This is part of the vetting process, and this is why you should date women for several years. If you’re one of those guys that wants to get married, involve the government in your relationship, you should at least date for 2-3 years so you can see what she’s like when she’s comfortable, when she thinks she’s got you. In other words, the infatuation is worn off, you’re out of the honeymoon period and you get to see what she’s like day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year.
So they are three years into their relationship, and the other thing is she’s constantly talking about marriage, kids, family, all this stuff and hinting at these things. Meanwhile, he finds out that she’s been flirting with the guy at work, and it’s not just the flirting. She’s been hanging out, doing things as a group and, of course, this guy is always there. This is just like one instance, I’m not going to give it all away in the email, but it continued.
He confronted her about it. They were at home and he happened to be watching his cameras at his house. Then he can hear she’s FaceTiming somebody. He’s like, “Hey, who are you talking to?” She makes up some lie about, “Oh, I was talking to my girl friend and her boyfriend,” and he’s like, “Show me your phone,” because this is after he’d already busted her in some previous lies. Of course, she tries to lie her way out of it. He looks at the call log. He’s like, “It’s obvious she was lying.” Then she admits that the dude from work had FaceTimed her. Now it’s obvious that the guy from work knows that she has a boyfriend, but he doesn’t care.
Character is destiny. If you’re trying to determine something, the number one most important thing to us guys in relationships is loyalty, and you’re trying to find out if this girl is capable of loyalty, because it sure doesn’t look like she is.
There’s these little tiny flies like this time of the year in the summer in South Florida. It’s like they’re everywhere. I got one buzzing around me and the camera here. So if you see me swatting, reaching, I’m trying to squish the little bastard. Because they like to buzz my head, you may see them flying back and forth in the lens. It’s pretty annoying.
So I’ve got one of these guys that he’s my generation, and we know each other from Twitter. He’s obviously reviewed my work, said good things about it. So he and I, are goals, our values, are pretty similar and our outlooks in life are pretty similar. I think he was a former army guy, and he’s just cool, dude. He writes books. His pen name is Quintus Curtius, and I follow him on Twitter and he’s a really good follow. He had some quotes that showed up over the weekend and I was like, that’s really good, the way he wrote it, talking about character and women who are just, you know, bad people.
The first one’s about girls and women that are just terrible people. In other words, about sense of justice. In other words, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do when you find out that the person that you’re pretty much living with is inviting attention from another man and then continually lying about it? Meanwhile, professing that she wants to marry you and have your children.
Obviously, if the number one most important thing to those guys is loyalty, and you’re living with a girl who’s talking about marriage and kids with you, yet she’s in the middle of inviting attention from other men. She doesn’t stop herself from doing it. She continues to do it. When you catch her doing it, she lies to cover it up. Then you bust her in her lie and then she admits it. Then afterwards she gets caught in another lie about the same dude, you’re trying to assess, is this somebody that’s redeemable or not?
So one of the things Quintus Curtis said on Twitter this past weekend that was just so spot on is this quote that says, “If a girl repeatedly shows evidence of bad choices or decisions, it’s because she is a bad person. And it’s really that simple. You young men need to learn to be judgmental. There are a lot of bum bitches out there who aren’t worth a shit, and got characters lower than crocodile piss.” That’s pretty spot on.
There’s another quote. He says, “A sense of justice really is a character trait. Some people are far more angered, and motivated to action, by injustice than are others.”
We all know dudes that have been in relationships with women that are lying, that are cheating or whatever, and they just continue to do it. In other words, as Quinn says, “They’re bum bitches,” and you can’t fix that. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. Their parents, their family, that’s their value system that they instilled in their child. This is what you’re trying to assess, especially if you’re one of those guys that wants to get married and involve the government in your relationship.
If you marry somebody like this, even though they’re doing this now, then five years on, you shouldn’t be surprised when you find out they’re cheating on you or 10-15 years down the road, you find out that half of your kids aren’t even your kids. So when you recognize that somebody just has a bad character, as Quintus says, “Bum bitches that aren’t worth a shit and got characters lower than crocodile piss,” you got a dip. If you love and value yourself, you got to dip.
I mean, you’re in the middle of a relationship. You’re living together. It’s like, that’s a horrible thing for a guy to have to go through and consider. It’s not pleasant. She’s going to be waterworks, have regrets, but at the end of the day, if you catch her, once you reprimand her about it, you draw some healthy boundaries and say, “This can’t continue,” and he’s already told her he’s drawn a line in the sand. Like, “If this happens again, I’m out.” So we’re trying to determine, is this girl redeemable or is she just a bum bitch?
I’m currently experiencing problems in my 3-year long relationship when I caught my girlfriend lying to me for the first time about talking to another guy.
We have lived together for 2 years and moved up to New Hampshire from Rhode Island. When I was using her phone I saw a text she sent to a friend saying, “I need to talk to you about someone I need to get rid of these feelings, it’s taking over my life, I feel like I’m in middle school.”
So this is a girl that’s totally carried away on her emotions. Got no self control. If she had any sense of honor or character, I mean, she lives with this guy. They move together and yet she’s allowing herself to get carried away on her emotions and her feelings and is inviting attention from a male coworker who obviously wants to bang her.
I confronted her about this text and she told me it was a customer from her work (she manages a basketball facility) that she was attracted to and she admitted that she shouldn’t be flirting with him and then assured me that they don’t talk outside of work.
“Oh but don’t worry honey. We don’t talk outside of work. It’s totally innocent.” If you’re going to be in a relationship with somebody and they tell you something, you’ve got to be able to believe what they fucking say. Simple as that.
One thing that makes my skin crawl is people that say one thing and do another. People that talk shit, are bullshit artists and they use a bunch of flowery, “Oh Corey, I’m done,” and then they don’t follow through, fuck those people. You need to weed those people out of your life. Once you start noticing somebody’s bullshitting you and then they don’t follow through on what they say, that’s their character. Their actions tell you everything about who they are.
A week later I was watching my camera and overheard her on FaceTime with a guy. I asked her who she was talking to and she told me it was her girl friend and her boyfriend.
How quickly she lies. Just like that. She’s been doing it since she’s a little girl.
I ended up catching her in a lie when I asked for the call log and she tried to fabricate it. She then admitted that the guy from work had FaceTimed her and that she lied.
He’s a guy from work. “Just a customer.”
I then told her that I would break up with her if she lies to me again because I want a girl who is faithful and loyal.
So he’s caught her two times now lying about this dude.
She cried and said she felt like she was losing everything.
Well that’s because you are honey, but you’re doing it. You’re doing it to yourself, and it doesn’t look like you have any intentions of stopping. It looks like you’re just telling me what I want to hear and hoping that I’ll look the other way so you can continue on your little escapades behind my back.
We had a talk about how she’s unsure about getting married (she always brings up getting married/having kids, not me) and has a fear of missing out. She said lately she’s been thinking about the future a lot and goes back and forth with commitment.
So she’s vacillating. You’re going to talk to me about marriage and kids, and then you’re going back and forth about commitment? It’s like, “I don’t want to hear about marriage or kids. It’s absurd. You’re flirting with another guy at work and you’re inviting his attention and you’re lying to me about it? Kids and family are off the table for now. We’re not discussing this, and I don’t want to hear you bringing it up because it’s absurd. You’re flirting with another guy, and yet you’re talking to me about kids and family? It’s ridiculous. I don’t believe half the bullshit that comes out of your mouth now.”
I told her I’m not concerned with getting married and it’s natural to be attracted to other people but communicating with them and hiding it from your partner is unacceptable.
Yeah, she wouldn’t like it if you’re flirting with girls from your job who are single and want to sleep with you, or going out to the clubs with these girls from work that are trying to sleep with you. She wouldn’t like that at one bit.
I told her I will not be in a relationship where we hide things from each other.
Before all of this happened, she went out to eat with a group of coworkers and some of the guys that go into the gym. They went out like 3 times total. My question is should I allow her to go out to eat with the guys when the person she was flirting with is with them?
She’s either going to do it or not. You’re going to say, “Look, if you’re going to continue to go hang out and do social things where this guy is trying to fuck you is going to be, then that tells me you’re inviting his attention and you’re trying to communicate to him that, ‘Hey, come on, why don’t you bring your big self over here and Chad Thunder Cock me?’ That’s what that tells me. That tells me you’re trying to make it easy for this guy to sleep with you, and then you’re going to go, ‘Oh, it just happened. He ended up inside me.’ Yeah, it’s not going to work.”
“If you have character, if you care about salvaging our relationship, you’re not going to go out with that dude being there. You’re going to make sure I’m there. If I can’t go or I’m unavailable, then you’re just not going to go. If you’re going to continue to go out and do things behind my back when this guy is around so you can spend time with him, that tells me you’re a liar, a cheater and a fucking hoe, and we don’t belong together. Marriage and family? It’s not going to happen between you and I. Simple as that.”
“I’m not going to marry a girl who lives with me and while we’re living together, is having thoughts about sleeping with another guy. On top of that, the guy is calling you while you’re at my house and your FaceTiming and fangirling this dude while you’re in the house that we live together and you and I are supposed to be a family? What the fuck is wrong with you? On what planet do you think that is acceptable? If you don’t stop, that tells me you don’t want to stop, and if you don’t want to stop, then all it tells me is you’re a party girl. You’re a fuck buddy. You’re a sex playmate. You’re the hookup girl. I should definitely be wearing a condom with you while I’m looking for other girls to date and have a relationship with who actually have character and loyalty. Because it’s obvious from your actions, it doesn’t seem like you really have any kind of good character.”
“I misjudged you, but I’m glad I’m seeing who you really are now, especially with you talking all this crap about marriage and family and children. It’s absurd. You’re thinking about fucking another guy while you’re telling me to my face, ‘Marriage, family, kids.’ Do you think I’m a sucker? You think I’m a chump?”
I think it’s inappropriate for a person in a relationship to go out with groups of the opposite sex without their partner.
It’s one thing if it’s a group of people from work, but when she’s purposely going out with some dude who’s trying to sleep with her and they end up hanging out together the whole time, it’s obvious she’s communicating to him that she’s giving him the green light. She’s giving the thumbs up to try to sleep with her. That just tells you everything.
It just shows she doesn’t value the relationship at all. She doesn’t really give a shit. She’s just going to let herself get carried away in her emotions and her feelings probably because dad didn’t teach her self control, didn’t teach her a sense of right and wrong or honor or good family values.
Should I ask to come with her next time?
It’s like, “Well, if you’re going to go and that dude’s going to be there and you’re not inviting me, well then it’s obvious you’d rather spend time with him than me. So I’m going to help you with that. I want you to pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house, and you can go do whatever you want with him, and I don’t ever want to hear from you again.”
Or should I tell her it’s inappropriate especially after catching her lying about talking to this guy?
Like yeah, “If I don’t see you cutting it off with them and actually meaning it, we’re done. I don’t care. You can go fuck him or fuck half your office. I don’t care because we’re never going to speak again.”
I have read the book 5 times and watch many videos but lately I have been more focused on my college classes and a full time job at the hospital. I have been slacking when it comes to courting her and have started to take her out every week.
Well, this is what happens. You see this guy followed my work for a long time. He’s been with her three years, lived with her two years. He’s focused on college, his classes and studying, and it slowly happened over time to where he stopped dating and courting her and they’re just kind of like roommates. To repay his loyalty to her, because she’s missing the excitement and the fun they used to have, she’s just inviting it from somebody else and she’s going out and doing things with another man, who she may or may not have already slept with. We don’t know.
Ever since this happened I don’t trust her and it really hurt how I look at her. She still talks about marriage and kids all the time. Did she make a mistake?
This is her character. Unfortunately, she’s done it multiple times, and when you’ve asked her to stop, she’s willing to just lie to your face and cover it up. It doesn’t matter that you’ve been together for three years. The only thing she cares about is how she feels.
How should I handle this?
Well, you already told her if she does it one more time, she’s out. So if she does it again, if you catch her in another lie and covering up what’s going on between her and this dude, then, “You need to pack your shit and get out of my house and you can go move in with that dude. I don’t care what you do or where you go. We’re done, and I don’t want to hear from you again. You have ruined your chances with me.”
Thank you for all of your work Corey, there is no better coach out there with practical dating advice. The only reason I landed this relationship is because of the things you taught me.
At the end of the day, I can help you attract the girl, but what I teach is not going to help you fix her character flaws. That’s where we’re at. This is why you date. This is why you vet. This is why you live together to see what she’s like when you slack off, and that’s what’s happened here. He slacked off. He stopped dating and courting her properly, and instead of working on the relationship, she just starts inviting attention from another guy at work and obviously feels no remorse. She has no problem looking you in the eye and just totally lying to your face.
I wouldn’t trust her as far as I throw her. You’ve already told her if she screws up one more time, she’s out. You need to be congruent with that. If I’m a betting man, I’d say it’s just a matter of time before she does it again.
The chances of this working out and you marrying this girl are below 50%. The odds are not in your favor, and I don’t see how this is redeemable or she’s redeemable because she’s not going to stop. She’s shown you that she’s not going to stop. She’s shown you she has no self control and she doesn’t really value the relationship, obviously, if she’s going to continue to do this,
She lies to your face to cover up the relationship with this guy, yet she’s constantly spending time with him and he’s constantly working on her. It’s like, “If I catch you one more time, you’re packing your stuff and you’re leaving.” It’s as simple as that. “I’ll give you a few grand. You can go rent yourself a new place, but you’re out of here. We’re done, and I don’t want to hear from you again.” That’s what needs to happen.
It’s hard. Like the the second quote that Quintus Curtius said, “A sense of justice really is a character trait. Some people are far more angered, and motivated to action, by injustice than are others.” This is an injustice against you and your relationship. Plus this other guy who’s obviously got no character either because he’s trying to rip off your girlfriend, he’s FaceTiming her when she’s at your house, the place where you live together. He doesn’t care. He just wants to get in her pants. He don’t give a shit about wrecking your relationship. He just doesn’t.
Maybe they deserve each other, but even if they got together, eventually she’ll cheat on him or he’ll cheat on her. She’ll reap her karma, but right now, she’s on thin ice, and I do not think she is capable of keeping her word.
I’m going to read you the quote one last time. Quintus says, “If a girl repeatedly shows evidence of bad choices or decisions, it’s because she is a bad person. And it’s really that simple. You young men need to learn to be judgmental. There are a lot of bum bitches out there who aren’t worth a shit, and got characters lower than crocodile piss.”
My sense, just from what you’ve shared in your email, is that her character is lower than crocodile piss. I have zero faith in this woman that she’s going to turn things around. I think it’ll just be a matter of time and then you’ll find out she’s still talking to this guy or maybe somebody else. Then you set the boundary. If she violates it, she’s done.
You’ve busted her twice, at least that you’ve shared here in the email. I’d be surprised if she changes her attitude and does it because she’s obviously run by her emotions. Doing the right thing doesn’t seem to matter. That’s why you can be together three years and she can look you right in the eye and just lie to your face. “Oh, it was my girl friend and one of her boyfriends,” and then she’s trying to fake a call log before she turns her phone over to you? Come on.
Keep your word. You said you’d give her one more chance. You catch her in another lie she’s donezies. You catch her in a lie, she’s going to go on down the road for good.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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