What you should do if you discover that your wife or girlfriend is cheating on you and has been carrying on an affair with another man, but she seems uninterested in working things out, she blows hot and cold and continues to cheat.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who recently found out a few months ago that his wife of three years, who he has been together with for a total of eight years, has been cheating on him with one of her coworkers. He admits he was not dating and courting her properly, but he wants to get her back. She’s been living with a relative since about a week after he found out that she was cheating. She hasn’t really made any effort to make their relationship work, and she seems to show no emotion towards the idea of moving back in together or any affection towards him when they’re together. He makes dates together, he hangs out, he has fun, and he gets a little kissy-poo, but she always pulls back, and it never leads to sex. The second email is from a viewer who’s been together with his girlfriend about three years now. He was about to pop the question because he thought they had the perfect relationship. However, about a month ago he and his wife started hanging out with some new friends. One of the new friends was a guy he really liked and thought was a cool person to hang out with, so they hung out quite a bit and he was even hanging out with his wife while he was away at work. Well, about two weeks ago, she admitted that she slept with this new guy friend of theirs. She claims he came on to her, but he now feels as though he no longer knows her, and what they had is gone. He still loves her and is with her, but is unsure of what to do now. He asks for my opinion.
First viewers email:
First and foremost, thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do. If it wasn’t for you, I would still be a lost soul wondering what the hell am I doing with my life and time, and would have still been chasing and pursuing my cheating wife. I watch your videos daily, plus I’ve read your book many times, and I’ve grown as a man, so thank you once again.
I found out a few months ago my wife of three years, we had been together for eight, has cheated on me with a co-worker. Even though the cheating action is on her, I know I played parts in the past that caused her to have resentment towards me. (It still doesn’t excuse the fact that she’s cheating on you.) We spent almost every day together, but she does blame me for neglecting her and hanging out with my friends a lot. I see them maybe twice a week, and unfortunately, she never truly had her own friends. Anyway, I’ll try to make the story of the last two months short for this email. It seemed that a switch has been pulled on her ever since she cheated and I caught her. I will admit, I chased and acted like a needy bitch way before I got your book or found you online. However, after finding you, I learned to pull back and let her chase me. It has worked at times, yet it changes daily. (If you’re with a cheater, they need to be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you chase after somebody who has already disrespected you like that, you’re inviting them to do more of it.) We still spend time together, yet I see that she’s hot and cold, very much on the fence still, backs away, is still talking to him, and has shown little to no affection towards me. (If she backs away, it’s obviously because you’re still chasing her. Don’t run after somebody who is still cheating.) I’ve acted weak at times and found myself over pursing, texting too much, and looking for any way to be closer as I wonder how it could be that easy for her to just stop giving a fuck about me when we were the closest thing ever! (Her attraction level dropped slowly over time. You’re still trying to force things because you are in a fearful state and run by your emotions.) We were the couple people loved to be around and get advice from.
She’s been living at her aunt’s house. We agreed on space about a week after I caught her cheating, yet she just never came back home or made any solid choices to make this work. (This is because you are still chasing her. You are waiting for her to change her behavior, when your behavior is enabling her behavior. You have no self respect at all, and that’s why she treats you like a backup or an option. You’re inviting her to treat you this way because you won’t stand up for yourself.) She unilaterally changed the relationship. We share a dog, who lives with me, which she wants to see often, yet when she’s around me and him, she shows no emotion towards the idea of moving back or any affection when she’s around me. (Why would you invite somebody over when this is how they treat you? You should start dating other people.) I feel as if she’s around me because I ask, and to see the dog, which she knows can’t live at her aunt’s. (You haven’t modified your behavior at all since you found my work. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you always got.) I feel she feels sorry for me, yet she has no problem living her life like a rebellious teenager. She has pushed away her friends, family, and myself. I’m scared I’m going to lose her forever, and it sucks that I’m the only one who’s putting in 100%, and she’s not. (When someone treats you this way, it’s got to be their idea to want to work things out.) When we go on “dates,” hang out, have fun, and hook up, the hookup is just kissing, as she’s pulling herself back emotionally. It fucking sucks! Since the other guy is still in the picture, it’s taking her emotional attraction towards me away. I’m lost to see what my next step would be. I know you will have the advice and guidance to lead me, and this relationship, in the right direction.
Thanks Coach. It’s been a pleasure finding you and following you and your purpose towards helping guys like myself. I will always be grateful! (Knowledge only has power when you apply it. Have some self respect. Get some choices and options with other women in your life, and it will completely change how you’re showing up.)
My response to first viewer’s email:
You’re delusional about how great your relationship was and how close you were. She was fucking another guy and you had no idea. You need to grow a set of balls and start acting like a man instead of chasing after your lying, cheating wife like a groveling, pathetic weak bitch. Come on man, have some self respect! You never chase or pursue a woman who cheats on you, who lies to you, and who dumps you for another man. That simply makes you look weak and pathetic. Never call or contact her again. She must do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Your wife is the kind of woman who will be loyal as long as she’s happy and her needs are being met. However, the moment you slip up, get complacent, argue with her, neglect her, don’t court her properly, etc., she’s going to start fucking someone else. Women like this are only good for fuck buddies, sex playmates, or to have an open relationship with. You need to move on with your life as if your marriage is over and start dating new women. Tell her that unless she’s willing to get rid of this other guy and work on your relationship, then there is no reason for her to call or contact you anymore. Your behavior and continually allowing her to treat you like a doormat, has caused her to lose all respect for you as a man. You are enabling her behavior and inviting her to continue jerking you around and mistreating you. If she does get rid of this other guy and wants to work things out after she has done that, then invite her over to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. She must come to you. Do not go pick her up or take her anywhere for at least the first three dates. It must be her idea to rekindle things. You should use this article and video as a guide on how you should proceed going forward: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Second Viewer’s Email:
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and was actually about to pop the question. (That’s why it’s so important to read my book and learn the fundamentals so you can make sure you’re making a good choice.) We had the perfect relationship, filled with tons of fun and love. About a month ago, we had started hanging out with some new friends, one of them more than the others. It seemed to me that he was a really cool guy, and we had a lot in common, so needless to say, we became friends easily. He began coming over more and more, and even more when I was at work and she was home alone. I thought nothing of it, as I trusted my girlfriend with my life. (We all tend to project our fantasy onto the other person and ignore the reality of what’s really there.) I knew she would never cheat. Last night, she actually admitted to me that she had slept with him about two weeks ago. I feel absolutely betrayed and broken. She is very obviously sorry about it. (This is not somebody you want to marry. This is a deal breaker.) She says it was only once, and it was a mistake. She claims that he came on to her. (Now you know the nature of the creature you’re dating. If she’s done it before, she’ll do it again.) I feel as though I no longer know her, and I feel as though everything we had is now gone. However, I did not leave her. I just need some advice as to how to move past this. (You’ll never be able to trust her again.) I still love her just as much as before I found out. I just can’t seem to get the image of the two of them out of my mind. (You never will. No matter how good things get, you’ll still keep that in the back of your mind.) It’s honestly driving me crazy. These past few days have been hell, and I don’t want this to continue to affect my sleep, appetite, and well basically, everything I do throughout the day. (You could have an open relationship with her, but you won’t be able to have a monogamous relationship with her. She doesn’t place a high value on loyalty, family and commitment, and it will happen again. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of reality.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People with a healthy self esteem, who love and respect themselves, who love and respect other people, and who place a high value on loyalty would never cheat on a lover or spouse, even if they are unhappy, because it is not honorable or the right thing to do. They simply will end the relationship when they are unhappy instead of looking for fulfillment outside of the relationship. When a relationship ends, they take time to grieve and develop a sense of peace within themselves before they start dating again. People who cheat tend to be insecure, selfish, narcissistic unhappy and have a low self worth. Since they have a low opinion of themselves, they project this on to other people and often feel no remorse or regret for hurting other people. Therefore, people who have a history of cheating, deception and a total lack of concern for the feelings of other people, should never be considered potential marriage partners, relationship material or someone to be in an exclusive relationship with. However, they can make great sex playmates, friends with benefits or people to have an open relationship with.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne