I Caught My Wife Sexting Another Man After She Promised To Stop. What Now?

What it means and what you should do if you catch your wife sexting another man after she promised to stop.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update to a video newsletter from 7 months ago titled, “I Caught My Wife Sexting Another Man. What Should I Do?”. His wife promised to block and never contact the other guy again, but she broke her promise and continued sexting and was planning to meet the guy. They went to a therapist and discovered his wife supposedly has a kink around sexting. Now they sext often, and their sex life is better than ever and she feels more heard and understood than ever. He doesn’t want a divorce, but she continues sexting the other dude. He also has cancer so it’s understandable he doesn’t need any more challenges on his plate right now. He’s talking with other women, and this seems to turn his wife on. He doesn’t like her sexting the other guy, but he is putting up with it for now. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be I Caught My Wife Sexting Another Man After She Promised To Stop. What Now?

So, this is an email update to an email I did about seven months ago, it was in January 2023, I think it was. And the title of that video newsletter was “I Caught My Wife’s Sexting Another Man. What Should I Do?” So, in that particular email, he obviously I talked to him about 3%, Man, because I guess that was originally how, he found my work, because he caught his wife’s sexting another guy. And then he gives us an update seven months later, everything that’s transpired since then.

So, it’s interesting because you hear me talk all the time about how character is destiny. And as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” And so, she promised, I’m going to delete his number. I’m not going to sex this guy anymore. That’s it. It’s over. Because he’s like, “Hey, if it happens again, I’m gone. That’s it. We’re getting a divorce.”

Well, not only did she go back on her promise, she didn’t keep her word. Big shock; to not sex this other guy. But on top of continuing to sext, the other guy, she was making plans to meet him, after she promised her husband that she would not do it again.

And if you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve probably heard me say many times you read my books, people don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of who they are. So, somebody that’s a liar and a cheater, typically that’s just their character. No matter what they say, even if they say, “Oh, I want to be loyal, I want to be faithful,” they don’t choose to exercise self-control. And then they do it again, because for whatever reason, growing up in their household boundaries were not set, and they learned a lie as a way of survival.

And by the time somebody gets to be an adult that grows up in that kind of environment, that lies because they don’t want other people to get upset, or they lie because they’re afraid of what other people are going to think. It just becomes a way of life for them. And when somebody is 25, 30 years old and they’ve been doing it since they were a kid, it’s an expecting them to change and just all of a sudden become a moral person and a good person, it almost never happens.

It happens sometimes, but it’s so rare that the overwhelming majority, like 99.99% of people, it’s like once they show you that they’re incapable of loyalty and honesty, because remember, the number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty.

And this particular guy also is dealing with cancer. And so, he’s dealing with a disloyal wife. But some interesting things have happened. He wants to be loyal and faithful to his wife, and obviously, he wants her to be the same. But she’s violated his boundaries multiple times. And so, it’s really interesting what has transpired because they went to see a therapist. And so, they’re still together. But it’s just an interesting turn of events. He’s going to stay with her, but she’s still sexting this other guy. He says he doesn’t like it.

He’s in the middle of a cancer treatment. So, you can imagine going through a divorce is probably, emotionally, that’s a lot of energy that, you know if you’re trying to get healthy in cancer. And then so what’s interesting is that their sex life is better than ever. And on top of that, he’s got on Tinder for a couple of weeks or whatever, other girls are hitting on him, that kind of thing. And it really turns his wife on when she finds out that he’s talking to other girls or other girls are hitting on him.

And so, when they’re having sex, that’s one of the things that she brings up in the bedroom, is she wants him to tell her about the other girls that are interested in him just because people are freaks. That’s just, I guess, one of her weird kinks. Sexting is a kink of hers. And he says they’re now sexting. He says their sex life is better than it’s ever been. She says it’s the best sex she’s ever had. He says it’s the best sex that he’s ever had. They communicate really well.

She feels really heard and understood, but at the end of the day, she’s still sexting the other guy. So, he’s like, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do one way or another. And my job as a coach, I’m not here to be your priest or your decision maker or your mommy or your daddy. I’m just here to give the information that you need to make an intelligent, informed decision. And then it’s up to you to put your big boy pants on. Because I’m a coach that teaches self-reliance. In other words, I’m not one of those guys that’s like, I’m going to sell you a package of ten phone sessions and we’re going to coach each other. I’m going to coach you over the next six months.

It’s like I only want to coach people when they absolutely feel like they need my help. And the overwhelming majority of people that I talk to one phone session and they’re good because I want people to be self-reliant. I want people to not need me. If you’re all about self-reliance, then your goal is to get people just like if you’re raising children, you want to get them to the point where they can stand on their own two feet without you.

Because if you get a bunch of people dependent on you, then you’re not really helping them be self-reliant, you’re helping them be dependent because you’re hoping for a steady paycheck. And I want to get these guys to the point where they send me an email five years, ten years down the road, Hey, you coached me ten years ago. Here’s how great my life is since then or whatever. That’s the kind of stuff that I love seeing.

Because if I can teach this stuff to a guy and then he can master it and then go into the world, teaches kids, teach his friends, his family members, his coworkers and the people around him. Now my work is impacting people in a way that I personally could have never been able to impact, and that overall helps me achieve my mission in life, which is on the back of the book, “Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.”

So that’s my purpose. That’s why I do what I do.

So, it’s going to be interesting as we go through this for a lot of you and a lot of guys are going to be like, “She belongs in the streets” and he’s prepared for that. But it’s an interesting compromise, I guess, or a temporary compromise because of all the things that are going on in his life. So, it’s easy for us to sit here and judge. I know what I would do. I mean, I told him what I would do back in January when he sent the first email.

But I’m not walking in this guy’s shoes. I’m not looking through his eyes. I’m not feeling what he feels. I’m not experiencing what he experiences. It’s like, he sent his situation in, and he wants my opinion on it, and then he’s going to take that information and then he’s going to make the best decision for his life and his family, as it should be. A coach is not there to make people’s decisions for them. We’re there to help facilitate them achieving their outcomes.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I wanted to reach out and thank you for your video response to my last email about seven months ago titled, “I Caught My Wife Sexting Another Man. What Should I Do?”. Your insights really helped me understand what was happening in my relationship and how I was being weak.

Well, a big part of a lot of problems that guys have is just displaying a lot of unattractive behavior and then teaching them what actually is attractive as far as a man goes so, they can naturally attract the women in their lives.

I’ve read your Book a couple more times (4 times total since then) and it’s been a great source of guidance for my life. Life has been throwing a lot at me lately, including my battle with cancer, but despite it all, I feel better than ever and more confident since discovering your work.

Well, anything you can do to make yourself feel better, to make yourself laugh, to elicit good feelings is going to cause your body chemistry to respond to that. So, any kind of excessive stressors and things going on are when you’re going through a cancer treatment, it’s that’s undesirable. So, anything you can do to make yourself smile and laugh and enjoy your life, even in the middle of difficult circumstances, is good for your overall health and well being.

I know there’s still work to be done, but I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made so far. So, I’m still with my wife. I know people might have their opinions, but I appreciate the support. She’s had some past relationship trauma that made it hard for her to open up and share her fantasies with me. Unfortunately, one of those fantasies involves sexting.

Remember, she promised, I’m going to delete this guy’s number, block him. I’m never going to speak to him again. After he found her sexting the guy originally.

Character’s destiny. Look at what people do, not what they say. So, when I look at that and she’s done it twice, she gave her word to you and then broke it. I mean, that’s the issue. It’s not so much the sexting, it’s the fact that she made a commitment, and she didn’t keep the commitment. And so, therefore, she says things she doesn’t mean and has no intention of following through.

She may say she wants to follow through, but if we bottom line her actions, she is just obviously somebody that doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. And as much as you may want that for her, if we take a step back and just look at her actions, her actions communicate that she’s acting consistent with her story, or how she views herself to be. And that’s not your fault. This is what her family taught her. This is her family’s value’s systems were passed on to her.

And obviously there’s a conflict in that because the guy that wrote the email is a loyal and faithful guy and he wants to loyal and faithful wife. But so far, all we’ve seen is evidence that she’s not going to be loyal and faithful. She may be when he’s on his game, which is where he’s been, since he came across my work, his game has been tight. And you’ll see its things are better than ever between them. And that’s why you’ve heard me talk about this many times over the years.

When somebody is dating a liar and a cheater or somebody that’s got a history of disloyalty, if they’re happy and they’re in love and their needs are getting met, they’ll probably be loyal and faithful to you. But what happens when you’re together? Six months, 12 months, two years, five years, ten years? And you get caught up in life. You get busy with work. You get busy with the kids. You get busy with your business.

You’ve got family members that are getting old that you’re having to take care of. Maybe they’re in hospice care or their health is slowly failing, and you want to be there for them because they were there for you when you were a kid, and you’re just not able to put the time in to date and court your girlfriend or your wife properly. You’re not making her feel heard and understood. You’re stressed on top of that. And life happens.

So, when there’s a lot of pressure and things aren’t going well, and her needs aren’t being met, and you’re married to somebody who just doesn’t value loyalty, they’re going to be sexting another guys, hooking up with another guys, cheating on you, that kind of thing. It’s like nobody’s perfect.

I’m not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes in my relationships. I always have. Even though I know this stuff, it happens. You get busy. You get busy with life, you get caught up, you get complacent. It’s going to happen. And so, when that does happen, that’s where the character really comes into play. And so, for now, he is doing a really good job of being his most attractive self, even though he’s going through a lot of difficult life circumstances.

And it appears that she’s being mostly faithful to him, other than the sexting this other guy, because as you’ll see in a little bit, she’s still continuing to sext this dude that’s I think he’s in like Colorado or somewhere like that. He’s like in the middle of the country. So, there are obviously a, you know, a significant plane ride. Distant from each other.

Surprise, surprise, I found out she was still sexting this guy and planning to meet up with him.

Remember, she adamantly was like, “Hey, this is it. I’m blocking him. I’m never going to speak to him again. You can. You can trust me, honey.”

When I found out, I packed up my stuff and was ready to leave.

Remember? He said, if it happens again, I’m out.

But she was willing to come clean and give me full access to her phone. She also suggested therapy as a way to work through it. She’s been clear that she wants to be with me, which is confusing as hell. Nothing physical has happened.

Well, there’s nothing confusing about it. She’s just telling you what you want to hear because she doesn’t want you leaving her. Because at the end of the day, you’re probably the main breadwinner. And the life and lifestyle she’s enjoying is going to go away if she wrecks the marriage, which she’s doing a good job of doing that because it’s obvious, her words don’t mean anything. She’ll say whatever she needs to say to get you to comply with her wishes.

And women who behave this way. Fuck buddy, Friends with benefits, Sex playmate, Open relationship. If you’re one of those guys expecting a loyal, monogamous, faithful partner, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. It’s like she, ain’t it? If your game is sloppy, she’ll be diddling somebody else, and she won’t feel any remorse. You’ll get some crocodile tears. But as soon as she thinks the coast is clear, she’ll be right back at it.

We ended up sleeping in separate rooms for a week while I thought about whether therapy was worth a shot. During that time, she started being more open about her messages and her feelings. Since I’ve given her the space to open up without getting mad or upset, our sex life has been amazing.

Well, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. But that’s not going to change their character. But it is true. And like I talk about in the book, if somebody’s going to cheat on you, you can be the best boyfriend, you can be the best husband. Some point you’re going to slip up, and or if you’re doing really well, if she just doesn’t value you.

I mean, this guy thought his marriage was going well and all of a sudden, he finds out she’s sexting another guy. She promised to stop. Then it continued and then on top of it, continuing, then she’s making plans to meet this dude. So, it’s obvious again, she will say what she needs to say to defuse the situation.

But at the end of the day, her operating system is, she wants to get it somewhere else and she’s making plans to get it somewhere else. And that’s not something you can take back. These are just the facts that we’re dealing with here. And so, these are the things that the guy’s got to look at so he can make an intelligent, informed decision for his own life.

It’s like you always say, “when a woman feels heard and understood, her legs open.” She’s practically begging me for sex now and chasing after me. It’s incredible, like I have my wife back.

Well, it’s just she’s highly attracted to you because you’ve been demonstrating your most attractive, masculine traits.

Here’s the kicker: when we were separated, I downloaded Tinder and lined up a few dates.

Good for you.

It was a way for me to boost my confidence and remind myself that I’m desirable. Interestingly, my wife got really turned on by it and has been even more interested in sex since she knows other women find me attractive.

Well, yeah, that’s right out of the book, my man. Women find you more attractive if other women are interested in you. And that includes when you’re married or you’re in a relationship or you’re single. Either way, if you’re a highly sought after, desirable man, it’s like other women are going to become more competitive. And the late, great Dr. Love used to say, “When kitty cats compete, you win.”

So, it’s not surprising that because then on some level she fears, “Hey, I may lose my man.” So, she’s got to put out. She’s got to take care of you. She’s got to keep your balls drain dry or else you may leave.

But here’s the thing: she wants an open relationship.

How did I know that was coming?

I’m not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it could be fun and easy for me. But on the other hand, I’m so in love with my wife that I don’t want anyone else, I also don’t want such a great relationship to end.

Well. Dude, you’re being a little delusional. It’s your wife is having an emotional affair with another man. And on top of that, she’s lied to you to cover it up multiple times and she continues sexting the other guy. So, it’s obvious she’s not going to change. And so, you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want her to be on to her, and you’re just ignoring the reality, which I mean, it’s understandable, but being goo goo gaga and love your wife, and then just ignoring the fact that she’s sexting another guy and was making plans to meet up with them.

And that’s just the ones you know about. Who knows? She could have a burner phone. It’s like I’ve been doing this a long time, dude. I’ve seen so many crazy things that people do. I got another, interesting one that’s a similar situation. I’ll probably do some time this week, maybe tomorrow, we’ll see. But it’s like again, it’s when you see the same patterns over and over and over, thousands and thousands of times, you can pretty much set your watch to it.

It’s a tough choice between divorce, open relationship, or staying the way we were. None of those options really appeal to me right now, so I’m just focusing on what makes me happy in the present.

Which is good, that’s what you should be doing, because again, you’re in the middle of trying to recover from cancer. And so, anything you can do to fill your body full of positive endorphins and emotions I’m all for. And that includes talking to other women because it’s obvious your wife, whether you want to admit it or not, she’s already operating like she’s in an open relationship. And you have other women interested in you. It attracts your wife to you more. And so, I don’t ever see your wife being a loyal and faithful person.

There’s got to be other stimuli for her, other men, and it’s not only going to be you. And if you’re looking for loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, it’s just if we just look at your wife and all the things she’s saying, even though I don’t know if you’ve gone, I assume you’ve gone to therapy, but, it’s like, this is who she is.

You just have to accept it, instead of seeing reality as better than it is. And that’s what you’re doing. You’re not supposed to see it worse than it is, or better than it is, but as it is. But in your case, you’re seeing reality as way better than it actually is with her, and you’re making excuses for her behavior.

The trauma that she experienced, all that stuff. I mean, at the end of the day, we’re dealing with her actions here at this point. It’s sad that those things happen, but that’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. Her family did that to her. So, they get the blame for that. But you as a man need to accept that that’s who you’re dealing with. That’s who you married.

I’ll figure out the future as it comes. Thinking about what a divorce would look like you pretty much have mini open relationships as everyone is hooking up with each other while dating. So, in my eyes this situation is basically the same?

What?

Maybe marriage and monogamy isn’t what people really need or want?

Well, the desire is going to be there. I mean, women are going to see other attractive men and go, “Ooooo!” Men are going to see hot girls go, “ooooo.” That’s just going to happen. But people who have loyalty, who value loyalty, who have integrity, who believe in keeping their words, who are raised right, who exercise self-control, they will not act upon those impulses. Whereas somebody that doesn’t really value that, like your wife, it’s like she’s going to she’s going to cheat, given the opportunity. She’s already trying to cheat.

She continues trying to cheat. Even though things are better than ever. She’s still sexting another guy. And that doesn’t matter what you say or what she says. I just look at that like you’re like, “Oh, I love my wife more than ever. But she’s still sexting another man.” She’s not going to be loyal and exclusive to you. That’s just a fact. We’re seven months after the event happened and she’s still totally consistent. Remember, people don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t change.

Everyone that cheats does it because they cannot be open about their needs and wants.

It’s just character. Character is destiny. It doesn’t matter what excuse you want to give it, but that’s her character.

Am I right? Maybe this whole situation has fucked me up. I’m not sure.

Well, you just don’t want to accept reality. And as Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” And that’s where you’re at right now. You’re having difficulty accepting reality and you’re still seeing the consequences of it. And even though you wish it to be different, it is what it is.

I know I have options, but I don’t want that. I want to be married and faithful with my wife.

Well, that’s nice and that’s honorable. That’s what a good married man is going to want to do. But your wife is not that kind of a person. She doesn’t want to be faithful with you. She may say she wants to be faithful, but we can just look at her actions, she’s not, she’s just not. She wants an open relationship on top of that.

In other words, she’s telling you, I want to have sex with other men besides my husband. Plain and simple. And she can make excuses and you can try to get her to change her mind and give you a nice story that makes you sleep easy at night. But at the end of the day, she is who she is. Character is destiny.

We have an amazing life together. I know some guys might say, “Take the hall pass!” But the thought of her being with someone else makes me sick.

Well, she’s going to do it when she feels she can get away with it. Simple as that. I know you don’t probably like to hear that, but that’s reality, dude. And the truth is a nasty pill to swallow, even if you don’t want to hear it.

Even if I had women lined up for every night, I don’t know how I’d feel about it.

Well, you’ll feel a lot better than having no women lined up, while your wife continues to go out and shag other dudes. You’re not going to like that. But if you have other choices, other options, and women want to date you, especially if they’re younger and hotter, it’s like, that’s a good thing. I mean, if your wife wants an open relationship and she wants to go bang some dude in Colorado and you got 3 or 4 hot girls in your city that want to hook up with you; again, your wife has already destroyed the bonds of the marriage.

She doesn’t care about loyalty. She just doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. She may say she does. But if we look at her actions, her actions tell us everything. Her intent is to cheat, and to try to get away with it in any way that she can. And she’s willing to tell you anything you need to hear, in order to comply with her wishes.

This whole situation has made me question what love, relationships, and being a man really means.

Well, that’s the way you got to vet women properly.

To me a marriage is fighting for that relationship and the other person.

Obviously, your wife ain’t thinking the same thing. I know you want her to, but you’re ignoring the fact that she’s not. Again, you’ve got to see reality as it is. And what’s happening is you’re still seeing it as better than it is.

I don’t know if I could just give up so easily because we have a difference of fantasies.

It’s not a difference of fantasies. It’s a difference of value and a difference of character. In other words, values, I should say it’s a difference of values and character.

I wouldn’t expect her to give up on me either. Isn’t that what love is?

Well, that’s nice Disney version of it. But the bottom line is you’re ignoring the fact your wife is still sexting another man in another state and has tried making plans or arrangements to meet up with this guy so she can have sex with him. Simple as that. And at the end of the day, love is about giving. It’s an act, you go to a relationship to give, you’re there to help each other grow, and become more to meet each other’s needs. And she’s not doing that. Well, she is in some ways, but the loyalty and the values are totally in conflict. You guys don’t have the same value system.

Understanding and fighting for each other and the relationship.

Again, you’re fighting for it and she’s not. She just is fighting to basically get the hall pass so she can go bang another dude.

We can’t let each other go because we truly love each other.

I would say you can’t let her go because you’re trying to fix her and change her and save her. And you want to honor your wedding vows, which is great. And it’s honorable, but you’re married to somebody that doesn’t give a damn about them. She didn’t give a flying fuck about what her value was promised on the day you guys got married. Those vows don’t mean Jack shit to her.

But I know that going through this will make me stronger, regardless of the outcome. For now, we’re happy and enjoying each other physically and emotionally. We’re having sex every day, and she says it’s the best she’s ever had since she started opening up about her fantasies (best I’ve had as well).

It’s like, Hey. Fuckbuddy, Friends with benefits, sex playmate, open relationship again. That’s what you married. Don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife, bro.

She still talks to that guy, but he’s out of state, so I’m not too worried about them having sex. Even though it hurts, and I don’t like it.

She doesn’t love you enough and doesn’t respect you enough and quite frankly, doesn’t value it anyways to be loyal and faithful to you. Simple. Plain as day. Remember she told you she was going to stop. And here you are 7 or 8 months later and she’s still doing it. No matter what she says, she’s still doing it.

She says it’s her fantasy and I can’t change how she feels. It is what it is, right?

It’s like characters destiny. That’s who she is. She’s not going to be faithful to you, dude. You didn’t marry a loyal woman. You married a hoe and tried to turn her into a housewife.

She even talks dirty about the girls I’m talking to during sex, which is pretty hot (trying to keep focus on this with her and not the sexting buddy to see where it ends up).

You’re not going to fix her dude. You’re not going to change her.

Maybe she’s crazy, but we’re happy at the moment.

Well, as long as you’re cool with this. It’s your life, man. You do whatever the hell you want. I wouldn’t; if I’m a guy that values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, I wouldn’t be with her. I would have dipped in January once she violated the boundaries for the second time and gotten divorced. But I’m not the one with a cancer diagnosis. I’m not the one again, walking in your shoes and looking through your eyes. But you sent this in because you wanted my unvarnished opinion and I’m giving that to you. And the rest is up to you, my man.

Until I find the relationship unhappy and the direction it starts to go then things may change between us but I’m ok with that. I know there’s a lot to unpack here, and I have decisions I have to make for my own life. I hope your input and my story will help other guys out there, possibly in the same situation, knowing that being the boat in the ocean is the way to bring out the woman’s true feelings and intent. What you do with that information is up to you though.

Yes, it is. Put your big boy pants on and make a decision that works for you in your life and your family.

Anyway, I just wanted to share what’s going on. Appreciate your input, as I keep growing and living life to the fullest. Thanks again.

Take Care,

Bob

Well, Bob, thanks for sharing that. That’s an interesting email. But again, it just once again, it just confirms character is destiny. A person’s actions truly reflect who they are. And people don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of who they are. Which your wife has become a better version of this. She’s more open about her sexting another guy. But, it’s pretty obvious that her intent is to have other partners other than her husband. That’s just a fact. And at some point, she’s going to get those needs met. Whether you’re aware of it, or she does it behind your back, which either way, that’s how she’s operating. So that’s how I assume she’s going to proceed.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.