What you should do if you have cheated on your girlfriend and are not happy in your relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a self-described “scumbag” who has cheated on his girlfriend with his female costar. He says his girlfriend is not a good communicator. His scene partner is married and says she will leave her husband for him. He knows from my work that relationships that start from cheating usually end in cheating.
He feels a soul connection to his costar that he’s never felt before, but he feels terrible about the situation and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
As we know, I think the stat is somewhere around like 90-95% of the relationships that come from cheating end in cheating. And you wonder, why would that be? Well, because it’s a character flaw. The reality is people who cheat are people who don’t honor their commitments. In other words, their word, their bond, their commitments don’t really mean anything. They’re fungible. In other words, the goalposts can be moved by that person because they lack integrity.
Somebody that says they’re going to do something and then they don’t follow through on it, somebody that makes a commitment to something and then they don’t honor it, that’s a character flaw. The cheating really is just the symptom of a character flaw. And so, he’s in this conundrum, if you will, because he’s not really happy in his relationship. From what it sounds like in the email, all he’s done is kiss this particular woman, but there’s a deep connection, as he says, that he doesn’t have with his girlfriend.
I’ve read 3% Man 4 times and have been following your work for 3 months. I’m an actor, and I have fallen for my scene partner. I know it’s not supposed to happen.
Man, it’s been happening in the business since the business started. And quite frankly, when people work together, stuff is going to happen. When I was in real estate, one of my business partners left his wife, and one of the other girls that worked for us, she left her fiancee. They liked each other, they revealed they cared for one another, and then they left their partners.
I can’t remember if there was cheating going on. I think they acknowledged that they both had strong feelings for one another, because they were working together all the time. Then they both resolved their situations with their significant others, and then they were together. And they’ve been together ever since. They eventually got married. and have been together over 20 years now. But from what I recollect, they weren’t screwing each other while they were still with their other partners. I think all of that happened later.
And in my own opinion it can be viewed as unprofessional if it affects how I behave after work. I have a girlfriend, (2 years living together), who is cool with me kissing another woman at work, (for a scene). However, I fucked up. After a premiere, my scene partner and I decided to grab a beer.
The reality is, if you’re in a relationship with a girlfriend and you’re scene partner is a married woman, you don’t invite her to go grab a beer, because how would it look, right? If you’re a loyal and faithful person, it’s cool to go grab a beer, but you’re like, “Hey, I’m going to have my girlfriend come meet us, and you should have your husband come meet us. So, that’d be great. Let’s go grab a beer.”
But the two of them, I mean, that’s basically a date. People with character and integrity are just going to go, “That would be inappropriate. I don’t want my girlfriend to get the wrong idea, and I don’t want your husband to get the wrong idea.” That’s what should have happened. But it didn’t happen, lack of character. And at the end of the day, you’re the man, and you’re supposed to not only hold yourself accountable and be disciplined, but you’re supposed to hold her accountable, as well.
She started flirting with me, and I couldn’t (wouldn’t) resist her. We made out, and we connected on a deep level. We basically stared into each other’s eyes for 2 hours.
Yeah, if you’re not happy in your relationship, she’s not happy in her marriage, and you guys clicked – you’re acting together, you have similar goals, similar values, similar interests, obviously, you’re in the same scene together, you have lots to talk about – of course, it’s going to feel like there’s chemistry. And quite frankly, as part of your love story that’s on screen, the fact that you are getting together really helps have chemistry on film.
If the two actors genuinely like one another, it’s going to do well. Just like the podcast that I do with the girls. If the girls like each other, and they’re they’re friendly towards one another, and they enjoy each other’s company, the videos are going to do better. When there’s a little drama going on or some of the girls don’t like each other, that shows as well. So, it’s super important for onscreen chemistry that everybody on camera actually likes one another, and gets along, and genuinely enjoys being with one another. It affects the finished product.
It felt like I could see her soul and she could see mine. I could feel her. It was incredibly powerful. I have never experienced this before with any other woman in my life.
Well, like I was saying a minute ago, you’ve got similar values, you have similar goals. You’re in the same industry, you’re working on the same project, so you’re going to have a lot in common. Both of you, it looks like you’re not very happy in your relationships. However, at the end of the day, you shouldn’t be kissing her outside of the scene. You should be holding yourself and her accountable. And that just shows a character flaw on your part.
She’s a married woman, after all, and some married guys do not take kindly to other dudes mowing their lawn. I mean, I live down here in South Florida, and there’s something that we call a “Hialeah divorce” down here, that’s on the news constantly. Jocelyn and I, we’ve talked about this on camera in some of the videos, because she used to work at one of the local news stations, and it was like every other night. It’s called the Hialeah divorce, which is basically murder-suicide. You’ve got instances where the woman says, “I’m leaving.” She’s leaving her husband, and he’s like, “Oh, no, you’re not.” He shows up, he kills her, he kills himself.
Sometimes he shoots her, shoots himself, he dies, she survives. Sometimes she dies, he survives, Sometimes the guy shows up, kills the guy that she left him for or is having an affair with, and then kills himself. I mean, it happens constantly. I don’t know what it is about Hialeah. You know, our Latinos are very, very passionate and they don’t take kindly when other dudes mow their lawn. It has deadly consequences. And so, you’ve got to think about that. That’s reality. You don’t know her husband or what he’s capable of, and you just shouldn’t be doing those things.
You reap what you sow in life. Relationships that come from cheating tend to end in cheating. The reason is because the people that are doing the cheating and then get into a new relationship, they don’t have integrity, they don’t value it, they don’t value loyalty. If they tend to be selfish and narcissistic, and if they’re not happy, they’ll just go cheat with somebody else. They’ll monkey branch. And when you monkey branch, you’re holding on to the old partner, and you don’t let go of the old partner until you got your hand firmly on the new branch, or the new partner, if you will. Because they are too insecure to go it alone.
My scene partner is married. After the incident, we’ve met up once to talk about what happened, but we ended the conversation by making out.
Again, a lack of self-control on your part, dude.
My instinct says I have to connect more with this woman, but I can’t go behind my girlfriend like this. It’s not cool!
Yeah, and you’ve done it twice now. Why? Because you don’t have any integrity. Simple as that. I look at your actions. You’ve done it multiple times now, and you don’t seem to give a shit. You don’t care about your girlfriend. You don’t care about the husband and who you hurt. You’re just being selfish and narcissistic. It’s wrong. You shouldn’t be doing it.
Three weeks later, I’ve been chatting with my scene partner, and she has said she would be with me if she could choose. It feels so right, but it’s just so wrong.
The reality is that, if she’s not happy, she should leave. She shouldn’t leave so she could be with you. She should leave just because she recognizes that her marriage ain’t working. It can’t work, won’t work, and she doesn’t want to make it work, and then she should leave. And same thing with you. If you’re not happy with your girlfriend, if you can’t work it out, you should be man enough to leave. It’s not cool to monkey branch from your girlfriend to this married woman.
The other thing is that if you’ve seen enough of my video newsletters on people in these situations, what happens is whoever is the married one that’s supposed to leave, they vacillate back and forth. I did an email a few months back from a guy who bought some real estate with this particular girl. She was in the middle of a divorce, but she was living in the same house. They bought a piece of real estate and moved into it together. And then a few weeks after, she decides to go back to her husband to give it one more chance.
And that’s the problem you run into. Even if, say, you leave your girlfriend and then she’s going to leave her husband. Say she’s going to live with him for a while while they’re finalizing their divorce, or something like that. You know, especially if she’s got kids with them, she might go back to him. And now, you’re single, and then the person you were thinking is going to be with you stays with the husband. That’s typically what happens in these things.
That’s why, if you’re not happy, you should leave. And if she’s not happy, she should leave. And if both of you are single at the same time, then it would be wonderful to see where it goes. But to do what you’re doing now is just ratchet behavior, dude. And it’s the kind of thing where you’re literally risking your life. I mean, down in South Florida here, the Hialeah divorce, that’s a real thing, man. It happens constantly. My friends in law enforcement, they joke about it. You know, it’s a serious thing, but it happens all the time. It’s like, man, people are hotheads down here. And you get emotions involved… it’s a bad way to go, my man.
I obviously need to check myself and figure out what I want to do. I know I’m missing connection, communication and the feeling of being heard and understood in my own relationship. Even though I’ve tried to communicate with my girlfriend, using the communication skills from the book. She often gets annoyed if I try to open her up. I know, it’s no excuse for cheating.
Well, some people suck at communicating. Some women are not good at it. I had a girlfriend that would get pissed off. She’d be mad about something, and I’d be like, “Babe, what’s up? You seem mad.” And she’s say, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to have fun. I don’t want to talk about it!” She’d be mad and upset, and I’d have to put up with her being angry and grumpy, but she wouldn’t tell me why she was mad at me. And you can’t work anything out if you just get stonewalled.
And so, you should talk to your girlfriend and say, “Look, you’re upset, but you won’t talk to me, and we can’t work anything out. It’s not fun to be in a relationship with you when you’re stewing and you’re fuming, but you won’t tell me why. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to put up with this. You’ve got to be sweet, easygoing, easy to get along with. If you’re upset, let’s talk about it. Let’s work it out. We’ll stay up all night if we have to. But if you’re just going to give me the silent treatment, and be passive aggressive, and punish me, and be angry at me, and give me the silent treatment for three or four days, and then act like nothing happened, that doesn’t work for me.”
So, you should give your girlfriend the opportunity to fix the communication issue and your relationship. And if she won’t, then you should leave her. And this woman that you have been playing kissy-poo with, your scene partner, same thing. If she can’t work things out with her husband, she should leave him. Not because you’re potentially there to be with her, but because she’s just simply not happy and wants better for herself and her life.
Like I said, my old business partner and the girl that he ended up being with, he’s still with to this day, as far as I know. They left their significant others and got their affairs in order. And then they were together. But at the end of the day, you could say the reason why they left are significant others is because they knew they were going to be together. And they had a good relationship. They had a lot of fun together. They were a fun couple.
So, they were a good match. And like I said, as far as I know, the last time I talked to them, they were still together and are pretty happy. But they did it the right way. They didn’t go sneaking around behind their partners’ backs. When the feelings were there and developed, they didn’t act on it until they resolved their situations, because that’s the right thing to do.
Ironically, I just want to live a happy, drama-free life with a person who can connect on a deep level. I’m not sure if my girlfriend is the right person for it. However, it’s a major red flag that this married woman would consider leaving her husband for me, (even though I’m guilty of cheating myself). I know you’ve said multiple times never to get together with someone who is married/unavailable. History will repeat itself.
Well, the stats back that up. The numbers are the numbers.
The connection is just too powerful right now.
Well, if you’re just going to not exercise self control, you’ve got to understand you’re risking your life. Is this woman worth risking your life for, and hers? And anybody else who happens to be around? And is it the loving thing to do? Is it the right thing to do? Of course not. So, be a man of integrity, dude.
What do I do, Coach?
Be a man of integrity. Do the right thing.
Do you think I’m just confused by this woman because of the scenes, or do you think there’s a deeper connection?
Well, I’m sure there’s a connection, but she’s married and unavailable. And until she actually becomes single and is no longer living with her husband, and the same thing with you, until you become single and are no longer living with your girlfriend, you really should not be exploring this. You can acknowledge your connection, but if you’re not happy with your girlfriend, you fix that first. If she’s not happy with her husband, she should fix that first. And then if you both resolve your situations and it comes to a point in time in the future where you’re both single, then you should explore it. But to do what you’re doing now, it’s like, come on, man.
Should I break up with my girlfriend? Should I try to fix things with her? Should I tell her about this situation, or should I keep my mouth shut (to not hurt her)?
I wouldn’t tell her. It’s not going to help your relationship. It’s just kissing. You could say it’s practicing for a scene. But the reality is, the right thing to do is to see if your girlfriend can make the modifications in order for you to feel like she understands you as well, and the fact that she’ll communicate and open up, which she’s not doing currently. You’ve got to give her a chance to fix it, and if she doesn’t fix it, then you should leave her.
I feel like a scumbag. Slap me back into reality, please.
Well, hopefully I’ve done a good job at that. But it’s like, come on, dude. You need to man up. The way you’re behaving is just not appropriate. You can do this the right way, or you can do it the ratchet way. It’s totally up to you. It’s your life, but there are consequences. And just like in the Hialeah divorces down here in South Florida, there can be deadly consequences. That’s definitely something to think about.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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