How to determine if a woman who you used to date and are now spending some time with, is still romantically interested in you, or if you are stuck in friends zone and have no chance at rekindling your romance.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer which is the second email coaching email that I have discussed of his. In his first email coaching email, he missed several opportunities to create an opportunity for sex to happen when his ex reached out to him. In the second email, which I discuss in this video newsletter, he says it’s been a month since he was last in contact with her. Instead of waiting to hear from her and then making a date when she reached out, he reached out to her and invited her over in a moment of weakness. He shares the details of exactly what he said and did when they were together, and it’s obvious he’s firmly stuck in friends zone and his actions communicated to her that he was okay with being friends. He says he is unable to judge her interest in his second email, but it’s obvious since he has basically continued to over pursue and act like a beta male when he is around her, that it’s getting him nowhere. I tell him what he needs to do instead.
I have an update for a previous email you did for me, and I couldn’t gauge her interest level. I walked away as you suggested. It’s been four weeks, I’ve hooked up with two girls, and I have a couple chasing me. Two nights ago, I caved in and called her. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, but you just hit the reset button. It’s a sign of disrespect to yourself to pursue somebody who blows you off.) I always call her. The first time I asked her out she was impressed that I called rather than using text. (This is a justification. You are continuing to pursue and act like a beta male.) My reason for calling was, she said that if I wanted to call her, I could when we broke up, after I said I didn’t want to be friends. Regardless, I fucked up and shouldn’t have.
I asked what she was doing, and she said she was “cooking dinner.” I said, “Oh, I was going to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner.” She went quiet and I said, “You can have that for lunch,” in a playful manner, “come over.” She said, “Yes.” She came over, and as she walked in I went for a kiss on the lips. She said, “What are you doing?” and lightly pushed me away. (You’re pursuing a girl who offered you friendship.) I smiled, and I went in again and got the cheek. I didn’t apologize for wanting her. As I was getting dinner ready, I was having some trouble with the fish sticking on the foil. She started to come over to help out and then stopped herself, not sure why. (She may have wanted you to feel successful, or maybe she didn’t want to get too close to you as you might try to kiss or touch her.) I didn’t mention it. We were sitting next to each other, and her legs were crossed towards me and leaning in at times, but her arms were folded. (I talk about body language in my book. Read it 10-15 times.) I was leaning in a little and decided to lie back. She turned towards me even more, and even leaned in a little, uncrossing her arms. Being the stupid fuck that I am, I leaned back towards her, even though I really wanted to stay leaning away, and she slowly moved back to her original position. (You acted alpha leaning back, and she changed to a submissive posture. Then, you leaned forward in beta posture, and she went into alpha posture. These are subtle things, but a woman will not let you seduce her when you’re acting like a beta male.)
We had dinner and spoke like normal, like we hadn’t broken up. During the conversation, we were having a laugh and she made a subtle joke that I had stopped trying. I didn’t say anything and changed the subject. I’m still sure she ended it because I was subtly needy. She really doesn’t talk much, so I asked her what she meant by, she still wants me in her life. (This means she just wants you in her life as a backup plan.) She said, “I don’t know how.” I suggested, “Why don’t we just hang out without any pressure, no relationship status, but not just as friends, because I can’t see you without being physical.” She made a joke saying, “Like our relationship status is ‘complicated.’”
Soon after that, she said she was going, as she was tired and wanted to think about what I said. (When a woman says she needs to think about it, that means no.) She got up to leave, and I held her hand while I was still sitting down. I said to her, “Come here, and I’ll give you something to help you when your thinking about what I said.” She leaned in, and I kissed her on the lips. It was just a short kiss, but I thought, better than the cheek again. As she was putting on her shoes she said, “You know me. If we start, I won’t be able to control myself.” I said, “It’s fine. We have plenty of time.” (This is more beta male behavior.) I walked her to the door and didn’t try to go for the kiss again. All I said was, “Call me.”
Obviously, now I haven’t contacted her and it’s been 3 days. I know that all I can do is wait for her to contact me. She must do 100% of the initiating, as she changed the terms of our agreement. My question is, what is her attraction level? (I would say it’s below a 5. Don’t ever call and pursue her again. You have to be congruent with your words so she will trust your masculine core.)
Thanks again for the awesome work you do.
My response to him:
You calling her after a month because you were too weak to hold out, communicated to her that you would rather accept friendship instead of another chance at romance. You’ve already tried chasing and pursuing her and it got you friend zoned. A man needs to be congruent with his words; otherwise a woman will not trust his masculine core. Congratulations, once again you have made yourself look like a big floppy cock to your ex. Now she thinks you are okay with being in friends zone. You should have waited for her to respond when you asked her to dinner. Just like in sales, when you’re in a situation like that and you make an offer to someone, ye who speaks first loses. You did not believe in what you were saying and were not confident enough when you asked her out to dinner, and therefore you bitched out and asked her to lunch. That is something a gay male girlfriend or a friend would do. You told her you were not interested in being friends, and then you contacted her to go to dinner and then switched it to lunch when you were fearful she would shoot you down. That makes you look weak and pathetic. You should not be “confused” as to why she’s behaving the way she is. She’s confused because you’re acting more like a woman than you are a man. The reason she didn’t kiss you when she came over is because you communicated friendship and she came over to give you friendship and grant you the gift of being her gay male girlfriend for an afternoon. If a girl came over and gave me the cheek like she did to you, that is the time to say, “Look, I told you before, I’m not interested in being friends only or something platonic. If you’re not interested in kissing me and being romantic when we are together, then you should leave. If you want to have a great time, kiss me and stay.” The reason she stopped herself when she came over when you were having problems with the fish is that she either didn’t want you to touch her, or she understands that men need to feel successful and do it themselves. Her arms folded means that she’s not open to you. While you were sitting together, it looked like you were continually reverting to beta male body language. I would have said, “Stop trying? I think you need to shut up and kiss me passionately for that remark.” Her getting up to leave and you grabbing her hand is more chasing, forceful and approval seeking behavior. Her attraction level is really low, maybe a 5 on a scale of 1-10 if you’re lucky. Your beta male, over pursuing act is getting you nowhere. Grow a set of balls and wait to hear from her. Move on with your life and date other women like I told you last time. You’re just a backup option to her at this point. You’re not a priority to her. Again, you should be following what I teach in this article and video: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
His first email to me:
I have paid for an emergency email response, and I also made a donation of $100, as it’s quite a large email. Also, I’m making a very amateur documentary about your theories, as this shit is gospel to me. Maybe we can make a movie from this, ha-ha. I’m documenting what happens with my ex and new girls when I’m needy and when I’m alpha. Anyway, below is my email.
I just have to say you’re a mad cunt, a term of endearment and the highest compliment in Australia. I’ve always been pretty clued in when it came to picking up women and getting them in the bedroom. However, relationships are another story. What you talk about is how I have lived my life. At the start, I’m indifferent to them, don’t try to please them, and never buy gifts or shower them with presents unless they are my girlfriend. Basically she would have to prove herself to me. One time I was talking to a girl at a bar and she said, “If give you my number, you’re going to have to wine and dine me.” I said, “Nope. If you give me your number, you’ll have to wine and dine me.” I got the number. The funny thing is that I have a really strong role model in my dad. Dude, I swear he’s just an older version of you. He’s 62. Once when I was hanging out with a “girl friend” in my 20’s, he said to me, “Have you fucked that chick yet.” I was like, dad she’s just a friend. He replied, “That’s ridiculous. A man can’t be friends with a women if you want her. You need to go for it and get her into bed. Otherwise, you’ll be there holding her hand with your dick in the other hand and watching while some other guy is fucking the shit out of her.” Like you say dude, the men from the 50’s and 60’s know how to act with women. I consider myself an alpha, as I’m ex-military, do what I love and make good money from it, can laugh at myself, and also teach Krav Maga, an Israeli fighting system.
Anyway, after I messed it up with my ex, I decided something had to give. Why was this happening? I started to read your book, four times, a hundred more times to go, and that helped me decide that breaking it off because it didn’t feel right was the correct thing to do. I started meeting heaps of women and finally met a girl that blew my mind.I met this girl through work. She’s an IT recruiter, and I’m an IT contractor. When I had going-away drinks, she came and we talked. The interest was very high, and it turns out that I had kissed her in a club three years prior. Two days later, I sent her a message on Facebook asking for her phone number after she added me. A little bit after, she replied with her number. I didn’t see the message until two hours later as I was at the gym. When I got home, I gave her a call, but she didn’t answer. Thirty minutes later, she called me. I did exactly like you say in your book, and we had a date that night. During the date I couldn’t gauge her interest, as she’s very reserved and did not talk much, if at all. She would be very mysterious about answering questions too, like she was the man. This threw me due to what you say, “Sit back and let her do 80% of the talking.” So I used the cube on her. It’s a psych analysis tool. I use this on all first dates and the girls gush over it. I’ve turned complete stuck-up bitches into begging for my cock with it, ha-ha. After this, she started to open up and was impressed with my intelligence and the fact that I called her for a date instead of texting her. I went for the kiss after we ended up at another place, and before you know it, we where in my bed. I’ve never apologized for wanting a woman, even before I started following you. My friends would say, “You’re not very subtle.” I’d reply, “Subtly never got me laid.”
Everything for the first two months was literally textbook. I’d call once a week, I never sent a text, and only made a date and got off the phone. This is easy for me. I don’t like talking on the phone, and I hate chatting via digital means. This is why I love your work so much Corey. For a date, she’d reply with answers such as, “I’d like to see you asap,” but she never initiated contact. Each time, we’d end up at her place and finish the night with sex. Once, we even did it eight times in one weekend. During dates, she would say stuff like, “I just want to jump over the table onto you,” and, “Lets eat and get back to my place.” One time, she playfully choked me and said, “What are you doing to me.” I believed I loved this girl. She was a giver, offered to pay for things, cooked for me, and was very logical like a man when it came to emotion. We never fought, and she also believed that a couple shouldn’t fight and should work things out.
Then it all went south, Corey. I turned the omelette over ten seconds after I poured the eggs in. The funny thing is that when a girl’s attraction for me decreases, I start to lose interest as well. I thought, stuff it, I’m not going to learn the relationship part. If she leaves, she leaves. It was eight weeks, and like a fucking idiot, I subtly pushed to a relationship. I looked at it as, “it’s all in the numbers,” and from what she was doing, I thought she must be in love, but she never said it. She told me things that I should have seen as red flags like, “I hold back, because if I seem to over pursue, I lose the guy,” so I thought to myself she must be holding back, so I told her I loved her. She said it back, but the whole thing felt so off. I started to become a pleaser, and once again I emphasize that these where subtle things, because she referred to herself as my girlfriend. I just assumed that we where in a relationship, and I changed the status on Facebook. She responded by accepting the request straight away, so once again I thought, man I have this in the bag. Because I thought I was her boyfriend, I started to do things like be her chauffeur, be very available, and towards the end, I started to become indecisive like make plans and change them or not say things like “call me” when I knew her interest levels were dropping, and would rather I contact her. I didn’t make mistakes like text all the time, because once again that’s not me. However, I would be the one that initiated all the time. I would also back off, but not long enough for her interest to go back up.
Finally, five days ago she came to my place and we had the, “we shouldn’t see each other speech.” I said to her, while lying back on the couch in my OLD WAYS, alpha male pose, “Okay. If that’s what you want, I can’t say anything to change your mind, so we’ll go our separate ways.” She started to cry, and said, “I knew you’d say that because I know you.” I must have done some things right. She said, “You smell so good,” and “I don’t want you out of my life.” I said, “How do you want me in your life? I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to know about other guys your going to be with now. If you want to see me, give me a call.” I also said, “Do you want break up sex? That might make you feel better.” She laughed and said, I know you’re serious. I said, “I’ll give you a minute to think about it,” Lol. After two days, she sent me a text. It said, “Hey, I know I probably shouldn’t text, but I just want to see how you are. Not sure if I should stay in contact or not. Anyway, take care.” My reply was, after three hours as I work in an area where we can’t have mobile phones, “Hey, I’ve got to respect your decision. If you want to see me, let me know.” After two hours she replied, “Okay. I will for sure.” It has been 5 days now, and I’m not looking back.
My response to his first email:
As I discuss in my book, you should assume that when a woman reaches out to you, she wants to see you and make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up, like I talk about in my book. The last time you saw her, you should not have asked her if she wanted breakup sex. You should have told her to kiss you and then escalated things towards sex. From your email, it sounds like you have become too passive and are waiting for her to be the man and escalate things physically. What you should be doing is waiting to hear from her and then when you do, invite her to your place to make dinner together. Don’t invite her out or pick her up or agree to meet her out. She must come to you. You must also let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. It must be her idea to rekindle things. You should be dating other women and moving on with your life, but making time to see her if she reaches out to you. It’s like you did everything right in the beginning, and then at some point the power flipped and you’re now sitting around waiting on her to tell you how to be a man. Keep things simple. Move on with your life as if it’s over and you’ll never hear from her again. If you do hear from her, make dates at your place that can lead to sex. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Use this article and video as a guide: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
The good news is, she’s reaching out to you. The bad news is, you missed an opportunity on two occasions to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You need to read my book and tighten up your game if you want to rekindle things to the point that she asks you to be her boyfriend again.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When we don’t think we’re good enough to get what we really want in life, or to have potential lovers choose to love us of their own free will, we usually will try to force things. Human beings have an innate need and desire to feel free, to be who we really are, be accepted for who we really are, and to come and go as we please. People who love, value themselves and who have a high self esteem, will stand up for themselves and not tolerate anyone in their lives who makes them feel like they are losing their freedom. People who have erroneously labeled themselves to not be worthy or good enough, will consciously and unconsciously act consistent with who they view themselves to be, even though that view is not accurate. By acting in ways that are consistent with self-love, high value, high self-esteem and being unwilling to compromise that perception of yourself, over time, even if you don’t believe it at first, you’ll eventually be able to attract people and life circumstances that support, match, mirror and validate that perception. Sometimes in life, you might have to fake it until you make it. It’s called having faith in yourself. Faith is believing in what you do not yet see, and the reward for this faith is to eventually see what you believed.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne