How to know if you are or were dating narcissist and how to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior so you can leave the relationship with your sense of self, self esteem and dignity intact.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been doing some research on the Internet in order to figure out where a previous relationship went wrong and why she behaved the way she did. He has been watching my videos for a year and has read my book three times so far. He shares how well it has worked for him and his friends.
He asked me to discuss the topic of narcissism and what signs to look out for in case you realize that you are dating someone who displays these toxic signs. He says that since he had the advantage and knowledge of my work and what I teach, he was able to spot these character flaws and end the relationship before he became too emotionally involved. He says it still hurt like hell when they broke up, but he’s a lot better off than he would have been otherwise if he was not familiar with what I teach.
I Dated A Narcissist
Hi Coach,
First off, I just wanted to say thanks for your great advice. I have been watching your videos for about a year, and I am working on my third read-through of your book. I have shared your wisdom with many of my friends, and all of us are amazed at how well it works and how utterly wrong the approach of 97% of men is. (I appreciate your referrals. If you have a friend or family member you think would appreciate the value of the information I offer, please send them to my website and encourage them to download the e-book so they can start changing their lives.)
I have a suggestion for a video that stems from my last relationship. I, like most men, was unaware of how many women, especially women who know they are attractive, are dangerously narcissistic. (It’s tough to walk away when you see these tendencies. I want to share these with you so you can get out before you get too heavily involved with somebody like this.) You may be aware, there are three stages to a relationship with a narcissist:
1) Elevation – Where they put you on a pedestal, treat you like a king, and you think you have finally found “the one”. (People with low self esteem are susceptible to this kind of treatment, and buy in to it.)
2) De-elevation – They slowly begin to find fault with you and make you think you are crazy. (They’ll never admit there is anything wrong with them. Their ego couldn’t handle it. They feel like a steaming pile of shit, and they project that onto other people.)
3) Discard – They shut you out completely with no explanation or closure, and you are left wondering what happened. You want so badly to be with the person who you knew at Stage 1, that you would do anything to get back to that point. (People with self-esteem issues keep chasing, trying to get back to Stage 1.)
In my case, when she was at Stage 1, she would bring me home-cooked food, always be available to hang out, and she even planned a surprise birthday party for me when I had only known her for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I was quickly falling for her, but it didn’t last. Fortunately for me, I had the boon of your wisdom and was able to break off contact with this person before Stage 3, but it still hurt. (You shouldn’t tolerate somebody constantly being critical and trying to make you think there is something wrong with you.) She began to make lame excuses of being “too busy” to spend time, not responding to texts, and her attitude completely changed. All of this happened within about three months. In any case, I thought this might be a good topic to discuss in case there are other men in a similar situation.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
**Free with a new Audible.com membership
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
**Free with a new Audible.com membership
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
**Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
Make a donation to my work by clicking here to donate via PayPal anytime you feel I have added significant value to your life. You tip your favorite bartender, right? How about a buck... $2... $3... $5... $10... $20... what ever YOU feel its worth, every time you feel I have given you a good tip, new knowledge or helpful insight. Please feel free to donate any amount you think is equal to the value you received from my eBook & Home Study Course (audio lessons), articles, videos, emails, newsletters, etc.
Referring your friends and family to this website so they can start learning and improving their dating and relationship life, happiness, balance and overall success in every area of their lives too!
Purchase a phone/Skype (audio only) coaching session for yourself or a friend by clicking here. Download the Amazon.com Kindle version of my book to your Kindle, Smartphone, Mac or PC for only $9.99 by clicking here. Get the iBook version for $9.99 from the iBookstore by clicking here. Get the Audio Book for FREE $0.00 with an Audible.com membership by clicking here or buy it for $19.95 at Amazon.com by clicking here. Get the iTunes Audio Book for $19.95 by clicking here. That way, you'll always have it with you to reference when you need it most. Thank you for reading this message!
From my heart to yours,
Corey Wayne
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Every man and woman should be aware of, and be able to spot, the toxic traits of lovers who display narcissistic qualities. In stage one of a relationship with a narcissist, called Elevation, the narcissist heaps praise on you, treats you like a king or a queen, puts you on a pedestal and makes you feel like you have finally found “the one.” In stage two of a relationship with a narcissist, called De-Elevation, the narcissist starts to find fault with you, criticize and make you feel like you are crazy or that there is something wrong with you. In stage three of a relationship with a narcissist, called Discard, they shut you out, stonewall your attempts to communicate and resolve things and leave you wondering what the hell went wrong. People who have a low self-esteem or low sense of self worth are most susceptible to the manipulation and abuse tactics of a narcissist. Therefore, you should become hyper aware, alert and observant when a new lover pursues you too hard, blows too much sunshine up your ass and often makes you feel like things are too good to be true as soon as you meet. Always look at what people do, not what they say. When you spot narcissistic behavior, run like hell and never look back. Narcissists are only interested in themselves, stroking their ego, using others to feel better about themselves and getting what they want.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Corey Wayne is Life and Peak Performance Coach. He helps men and women to achieve their dreams, discover their purpose, improve their relationships, start a business, improve personal health & fitness, maximize time management, become a superstar in sales, set & achieve their most audacious goals, become a leader, be better team builders, break through their deepest fears and limiting beliefs, overcome difficult life challenges, lose weight and regain balance in all areas of their lives, including personal finances and wealth building.
Reader Interactions
Comments
Johnsays
Wow! This describes the relationship I had about 6 years ago, now I understand. I got out when the abuse started. One of the best decisions I ever made. I didn’t understand but now I do! Thanks!
I am very glad that the coach touched the subject. I am myself at the end of stage 2, completely drained emotionally and financially after a 3 year on-off relationship with a dangerously narcissistic woman. Tough as hell, the most difficult break up I had so far, but reason and dignity prevailed and among all the tears and the pain, I am glad I didn’t allow her to destroy me and discard me as she did with her own brother. Saddest thing, in their perfect hell, you will always be wrong; despite different times I offered her to take couple counseling and therapy, she refused once the therapist touched her vulnerable inner spots and failures. How sad that the only choice available is to leave, however you loved him/her or thought you loved them, and that their path is full with destruction, to them and to others.
Jesus Christ, I’ve just been through this shit. Broke up a month ago and had been questioning myself ever since. I was watching your videos and I bought your book (both great by the way) trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I feel much better for having read your notes and watched this video in particular though.
Although I have been making a lot of mistakes with women, and I have a way to go, there was something so cold about the way this girl moved into stage two without warning that I realise I would never have got it right with her. Luckily I had enough self esteem to just walk away before she had the satisfaction of dumping me. I cut off all contact. Funnily enough, she kept texting me – must have stung her ego.
Thanks Corey, you’re helping me in more ways than I could have hoped for.
I married one. 10 yrs married and together for 15. She ran off with our 2 kids and took everything from my house with a guy she met online when I was at work. Long story short, I have full custody of the kids and she has never returned to the state. All she cares about is herself and what she thinks she needs to be happy. She abandoned our kids to find her own happiness. Shes miserable and she has only herself to blame. As a narcissist, she blames me for her flaws in life she did to herself. Thanks Corey for your expertise. I have read your book and looking forward to someday meeting the woman of my dreams.
Not only did I date one, I married one. She ran up our credit cards and when those were maxed, she got more and maxed them. She also had an affair (the final straw, so I left her). In fact, since we split up, she’s had a string of affairs. My daughter won’t talk to her (long story) and we both agree she should install a revolving door to her apartment.
I was devastated at the end of our marriage (22 years ago), but in hindsight, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Coach Corey,I recently got out of a relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic girlfriend. I actually caught her cheating on me first hand and moved out the next day unbeknownst to her. Of course I didn’t know what I was dealing with until in a search for answers I finally discovered what really was. She is a text book narcissist who uses alcohol as a coping mechanism for everything in her destructive past and unfortunately hasn’t dealt with tragic events that happened to her as little girl. The three elements of the narcissistic relationship were spot on in my relationship with her. Realizing she was a narcissist was a watershed moment and watching your videos along with reading online articles has really helped in my recovery. Although I have responded to texts and emails from her at the beginning I have pretty much stopped all communication since. She still has some stuff of mine however I really doubt I will ever see any of it again. And yes, just as what was mentioned below in a previous thread, most of her friends were guys. Yet another RED FLAG I choose to look past because the habitual excuse train full of lies and deception was so incredibly real. A trait she has perfected and practiced most of her life. She is an incredible thief of the sole. I also now believe she goes into narcissistic/alcoholic rage and destroys things such as what I think happened immediately after I moved out. I did have a question as to what happens to her or the narcissist after I moved out? What’s going on in their head or what are they feeling? Is it painful? Are they mad or sad? Do they go through the same emotional rollercoaster as I did or the people they have discarded? Although I shouldn’t really care anymore it would help to fill in the rest of this puzzle.
hmm, i remember i got into an argument with my gf bc i once called her and she sounded kinda suspicious. she said she was going to pick up something and groceries, she had me on the phone the whole time and we were talking…she then got back to the apartment and i heard knocking…she quickly said oh hey i got to go. and hung up…. maybe about 30 mins happened i called her again just to say good night (long distance relationship) and she kinda sounded very strange, so i told her. who is there? (she usually sounds like that when she has visitors). she said oh its your brother . we are just chatting and smoking. i remember telling her to pass me my brother and i told him dude you need to leave, and he said…oh ok. and i called her and i told her wtf? that doesnt look good .she started throwing things like ugh why dont you trust me , i dont know what i did that, maybe i like him, maybe im just very friendly, he was just talking about his girl and i was talking to him about you”. ect ect. almost immediately i bought your book and read that sucker in about 8 hours. only saw the videos that applied. and i kept my distance. i would visit every week, i called her on friday she was busy with her sister but the next day all i did was set up a date. we went out to eat and i drove her around and we just talked….i apologized for being like that but ti made me uncomfortable, i pretty much went no contact with her till that date. she started telling me that she was not really seeing me as a potential until this happened. as in she was taking me for granted. i told her well its a good thing we have always had an open communication bc then this would have been bad. i kissed her and she started crying “she told me she thought i was going to break up with her”. she got very lovey dove. shes always been like that but i wonder if this is a case where it might develop into a narcissit or maybe a sign of it? i did talk to her and shes started to be more consistant of too telling me that “oh her my friend bleh is here smoking with me ” like she does seem to be changing. but ive also noticed that ever since i read the book maybe i might be turning into one too bc i used to talk to her alot via text and now she has asked me…do you still love me, interest low? that book has changed you and i dont like it. its weird -.- ive read the book 3 times. and for some reason i feel on edge as well too.
Jesus…. I loved this. This really gave me a sigh or relief . I’ve been racking my mind and beating myself up trying to win back the love that was given to me in the beginning although I questioned it…. because I took her from her man, whom she was with for 5 years. After about 8 months everything was pretty smooth and when Covid-19 hit she started acting funny, smoking more and she stopped staying up all night on the phone with me whether she had work or not, she stopped saying how much she missed me or how much she loved me. She definitely wanted to have sex with me again but she stopped saying that too and when we finally met up after 4 months of not touching each other it was like the best day ever. But, after that everything slid down hill and when I asked what was wrong her answer was that she was upset about some little things that she didn’t like that I did when we first got together things that had been corrected. I asked her why was she holding on to something like that and why did that give her a right to say we shouldn’t date anymore and she needs time for herself….. she made me feel like I cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. It was a gut wrenching feeling to know that after her earning my trust that I actually wanted to marry her… she had everything but her own house; for her to just up and say “well maybe it will go back to what it was… maybe it won’t.” Then to not even know what to classify me and her it hurt like hell… and infuriated me to know that as a man. I finally settled and now I got stabbed in the back. Thank you for this article. I still worry and wonder about her and for 3 months I tried winning her back but she didn’t budge. This article is literally like a run down on how our relationship went
I think I am narcissistic. Corey, your work was the only thing that made me feel a glimpse of confidence and or self esteem. Once becoming self aware about my mental illnes I cant seem to see an escape in life. I feel broken.
How to know if you are or were dating narcissist and how to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior so you can leave the relationship with your sense of self, self esteem and dignity intact.
John says
Wow! This describes the relationship I had about 6 years ago, now I understand. I got out when the abuse started. One of the best decisions I ever made. I didn’t understand but now I do! Thanks!
Bern says
I am very glad that the coach touched the subject. I am myself at the end of stage 2, completely drained emotionally and financially after a 3 year on-off relationship with a dangerously narcissistic woman. Tough as hell, the most difficult break up I had so far, but reason and dignity prevailed and among all the tears and the pain, I am glad I didn’t allow her to destroy me and discard me as she did with her own brother. Saddest thing, in their perfect hell, you will always be wrong; despite different times I offered her to take couple counseling and therapy, she refused once the therapist touched her vulnerable inner spots and failures. How sad that the only choice available is to leave, however you loved him/her or thought you loved them, and that their path is full with destruction, to them and to others.
Jim says
Jesus Christ, I’ve just been through this shit. Broke up a month ago and had been questioning myself ever since. I was watching your videos and I bought your book (both great by the way) trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I feel much better for having read your notes and watched this video in particular though.
Although I have been making a lot of mistakes with women, and I have a way to go, there was something so cold about the way this girl moved into stage two without warning that I realise I would never have got it right with her. Luckily I had enough self esteem to just walk away before she had the satisfaction of dumping me. I cut off all contact. Funnily enough, she kept texting me – must have stung her ego.
Thanks Corey, you’re helping me in more ways than I could have hoped for.
Chad says
I married one. 10 yrs married and together for 15. She ran off with our 2 kids and took everything from my house with a guy she met online when I was at work. Long story short, I have full custody of the kids and she has never returned to the state. All she cares about is herself and what she thinks she needs to be happy. She abandoned our kids to find her own happiness. Shes miserable and she has only herself to blame. As a narcissist, she blames me for her flaws in life she did to herself. Thanks Corey for your expertise. I have read your book and looking forward to someday meeting the woman of my dreams.
Armand Vaquer says
Yup! Nailed it!
Not only did I date one, I married one. She ran up our credit cards and when those were maxed, she got more and maxed them. She also had an affair (the final straw, so I left her). In fact, since we split up, she’s had a string of affairs. My daughter won’t talk to her (long story) and we both agree she should install a revolving door to her apartment.
I was devastated at the end of our marriage (22 years ago), but in hindsight, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Justin says
Coach Corey,I recently got out of a relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic girlfriend. I actually caught her cheating on me first hand and moved out the next day unbeknownst to her. Of course I didn’t know what I was dealing with until in a search for answers I finally discovered what really was. She is a text book narcissist who uses alcohol as a coping mechanism for everything in her destructive past and unfortunately hasn’t dealt with tragic events that happened to her as little girl. The three elements of the narcissistic relationship were spot on in my relationship with her. Realizing she was a narcissist was a watershed moment and watching your videos along with reading online articles has really helped in my recovery. Although I have responded to texts and emails from her at the beginning I have pretty much stopped all communication since. She still has some stuff of mine however I really doubt I will ever see any of it again. And yes, just as what was mentioned below in a previous thread, most of her friends were guys. Yet another RED FLAG I choose to look past because the habitual excuse train full of lies and deception was so incredibly real. A trait she has perfected and practiced most of her life. She is an incredible thief of the sole. I also now believe she goes into narcissistic/alcoholic rage and destroys things such as what I think happened immediately after I moved out. I did have a question as to what happens to her or the narcissist after I moved out? What’s going on in their head or what are they feeling? Is it painful? Are they mad or sad? Do they go through the same emotional rollercoaster as I did or the people they have discarded? Although I shouldn’t really care anymore it would help to fill in the rest of this puzzle.
Abraham says
hmm, i remember i got into an argument with my gf bc i once called her and she sounded kinda suspicious. she said she was going to pick up something and groceries, she had me on the phone the whole time and we were talking…she then got back to the apartment and i heard knocking…she quickly said oh hey i got to go. and hung up…. maybe about 30 mins happened i called her again just to say good night (long distance relationship) and she kinda sounded very strange, so i told her. who is there? (she usually sounds like that when she has visitors). she said oh its your brother . we are just chatting and smoking. i remember telling her to pass me my brother and i told him dude you need to leave, and he said…oh ok. and i called her and i told her wtf? that doesnt look good .she started throwing things like ugh why dont you trust me , i dont know what i did that, maybe i like him, maybe im just very friendly, he was just talking about his girl and i was talking to him about you”. ect ect. almost immediately i bought your book and read that sucker in about 8 hours. only saw the videos that applied. and i kept my distance. i would visit every week, i called her on friday she was busy with her sister but the next day all i did was set up a date. we went out to eat and i drove her around and we just talked….i apologized for being like that but ti made me uncomfortable, i pretty much went no contact with her till that date. she started telling me that she was not really seeing me as a potential until this happened. as in she was taking me for granted. i told her well its a good thing we have always had an open communication bc then this would have been bad. i kissed her and she started crying “she told me she thought i was going to break up with her”. she got very lovey dove. shes always been like that but i wonder if this is a case where it might develop into a narcissit or maybe a sign of it? i did talk to her and shes started to be more consistant of too telling me that “oh her my friend bleh is here smoking with me ” like she does seem to be changing. but ive also noticed that ever since i read the book maybe i might be turning into one too bc i used to talk to her alot via text and now she has asked me…do you still love me, interest low? that book has changed you and i dont like it. its weird -.- ive read the book 3 times. and for some reason i feel on edge as well too.
Paul says
Jesus…. I loved this. This really gave me a sigh or relief . I’ve been racking my mind and beating myself up trying to win back the love that was given to me in the beginning although I questioned it…. because I took her from her man, whom she was with for 5 years. After about 8 months everything was pretty smooth and when Covid-19 hit she started acting funny, smoking more and she stopped staying up all night on the phone with me whether she had work or not, she stopped saying how much she missed me or how much she loved me. She definitely wanted to have sex with me again but she stopped saying that too and when we finally met up after 4 months of not touching each other it was like the best day ever. But, after that everything slid down hill and when I asked what was wrong her answer was that she was upset about some little things that she didn’t like that I did when we first got together things that had been corrected. I asked her why was she holding on to something like that and why did that give her a right to say we shouldn’t date anymore and she needs time for herself….. she made me feel like I cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. It was a gut wrenching feeling to know that after her earning my trust that I actually wanted to marry her… she had everything but her own house; for her to just up and say “well maybe it will go back to what it was… maybe it won’t.” Then to not even know what to classify me and her it hurt like hell… and infuriated me to know that as a man. I finally settled and now I got stabbed in the back. Thank you for this article. I still worry and wonder about her and for 3 months I tried winning her back but she didn’t budge. This article is literally like a run down on how our relationship went
Stavros says
I think I am narcissistic. Corey, your work was the only thing that made me feel a glimpse of confidence and or self esteem. Once becoming self aware about my mental illnes I cant seem to see an escape in life. I feel broken.