I Don’t Feel We Have Any Chemistry Or Connection, But She Really Likes Me. Why?

What it means when you feel you have no chemistry or connection but she really likes you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a girl he feels he has no connection or chemistry with and the sex is just ok. However, despite this, she really seems to like him. She pursues him and asks him out on dates. She thinks he’s hot and he thinks she is too, but there’s no connection. He wonders if just his looks is enough for her. He basically admits to sabotaging things sometimes, but she is undeterred. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Don’t Feel We Have Any Chemistry Or Connection, But She Really Likes Me. Why?”

Well, this is an interesting email. This particular guy, he says he’s got kind of a a weird situation. And so he had a previous relationship where he was in ended. He said he stopped courting her properly. He became a needy bitch in his own words. She had daddy issues, was a serial cheater and liar, and he said it almost drove him crazy. So a few months later, he started dating. Still kind of dating a party style girl.

Which, you know, a lot of those girls come from broken homes. He’s like, hey, you got to start somewhere. So he started dating this woman I guess at work that he met. She asked him out. They started hanging out and he’s like, “The conversation doesn’t flow.” He doesn’t feel like they have a lot in common, but physically he thinks she’s really hot. And also she’s told him that she thinks he’s really hot. And he says the sex is kind of just okay, and he’s just not really making much of an effort, but she’s kind of like all over him.

So she has super high interest in him, even though he feels there’s really no chemistry and connection. And the sex is just, as he says, “it’s just okay.” He’s kind of like, “Why is she into me?” So it’s a good email, and this just shows you what happens when you have super high interest, or a girl has super high interest in you, and maybe you don’t feel the same way. She becomes more attractive just because her interest is high. And all of us love to be loved, and love to be wanted.

And it is nice to have a woman who just likes you for you. Even though she might not be ideal, it’s nice to be with somebody that just enjoys your company, even if there’s a lot of silence. You don’t really have a lot in common. If they just like being around you and they enjoy your companionship. At the end of the day, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you it means they voted for you. So it makes things much easier when you’re with a girl who really likes you.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I have a question about a “weird” situation, but I believe I am not only one from your followers who has this problem. Just to get my background, few months back, my last relationship ended on my part I stopped courting her properly, became needy bitch, etc. And on her part, she had daddy issues, was a serial cheater and liar, difficult, not communicative, etc. Which made me almost go crazy. Not the breakup, stuffs before that, the breakup was the best part of that situation. 

Yeah, when you get out of a bad relationship, it’s just, “Ah, it feels so good.” You feel freedom. Freedom.

Few months later, I started dating, still party girl style chicks just for fun, but you have to start from somewhere. Mine question is about my coworker (by slow process of vetting, it seems like structured party girl style still), we started dating about Christmas, she started by asking me out, and still asks me out. I don’t see any connection, sex is okay. Honestly, it’s not too satisfying for me.

We hardly find something to talk about, etc. She even has much better connection with other guy from the office (he is married) but still tries to date me. I am going out because I got “milk for free”, but I don’t get why she is pursuing me when we almost don’t have any connection.

Well, that’s the thing. Her attraction and her interest in you is just that. What is the difference? The difference that really makes a difference is indifference. I mean, she asked him out, and he goes along with it, he hangs out. He has fun. He hooks up. But, if she wasn’t super into him like this, he would have never even gone out with her or never gotten this far. But at the end of the day, he checks enough of her boxes. And so if you love and value yourself, your attitude would be, “Well, of course. Of course she’s into me. Why wouldn’t she be?”

But if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself and you don’t really think you’re worthy of the ultimate women, or your dream woman, you’re going to think there’s got to be something wrong. It’s like, “Why doesn’t this girl see what’s wrong with me like all the others”, right? And so that kind of gives you a window into his mindset, which he’s not really seeing himself as the prize in the catch. He’s just kind of like, “I don’t get why this girl is so into me. What the hell? There’s gotta be something wrong with her.” It’s almost like his mentality.

So that’s something he should also think about and focus on, is his own self-talk and his own self-perception, and how he views himself. Because if you don’t love and value yourself, you’re not going to allow anybody else to. Because love at the end of the day is allowing. And so what he is doing is he’s allowing this girl to love him, because, just for whatever reason, he does it for her. Even though he doesn’t feel that, you know, she’s hot, but he doesn’t feel like they connect on an emotional and mental level.

She tells me I am hot as hell, but can girl be attracted to guy just by the look and respect, but without building rapport?

Well, at the end of the day, she gets enough. You do enough of what she likes, and probably the fact that you’re kind of indifferent to it, and you could take it or leave it. You know, I had the same experience when I got together with my ex-wife all those years ago in my early 20s. I liked her. She was really cute. Really pretty. Lots of guys were into her, but I just had a, “take it or leave it kind of attitude.” She’s a great girl, raised by a good family. Her parents are amazing.

Had a great sister, very successful. We had a lot of fun together, but I just did it for her. It’s like I could do no wrong with her. And like when I was talking to the late, Great Doc Love 25 years ago. God, it was so long ago. And we were talking about that. He said, “Oh, you married interest level.” I was like, I didn’t think about it that way. And it was just fun to be with somebody, who just again, just, I did it for her.

I get signs of attraction when other guy is not around. He is natural salesman, and right now, I am, honestly, not in mood for dating so I don’t even focus on my social skills too much. I can see she likes other guy very much, but nobody doesn’t know about us, especially at work, so making him jealous with me is not the case. 

Well, at the end of the day, the other guy is married. And if you take a step back, she’s interested in this guy, which he’s kind of emotionally and mentally unavailable. And she’s also seems to be, or have chemistry with a married guy from the office. So it’s quite possible because remember, like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other.

And so if somebody is constantly getting hung up on people that are unavailable, i.e. the married guy, or somebody that just don’t seem to be that into them, like him, if they have some daddy issues and dad wasn’t around and she is used to wanting love but not getting it from the main men in her life, well, she’ll stay engaged with guys that she cares about, but don’t really seem to reciprocate because she doesn’t know any better.

Because this feels normal to her. A girl that’s raised in a healthy household, where mom and dad love each other and cherish one another, and have a great relationship and have a hell of a lot of fun together, she’s going to want what her parents have. She’s going to want a guy like her father. Because girls tend to date their fathers. Guys tend to date their mothers, as they say. And so in this particular case, she’s into two different guys that are kind of like her father, probably emotionally unavailable, checked out, not that into it, but they will make an effort if she goes out of her way. Because you know she’s the one that’s asking him out most of the time.

I just don’t get why she is asking me out all the time (I even canceled her 2 times because I feel like she doesn’t even like me, she offered me new times when she is free in both cases), there is no rapport, but she is trying to date me. 

Well, maybe she likes the sex. At the end of the day, she likes being with you. And so what you’re doing is you’re looking for reasons to sabotage this. Because in your mind, you’re like, I don’t understand why this girl likes me. And so that tells me your self-perception is you don’t really think you’re very lovable, or interesting for that matter. And a woman like this can help you recognize that. Because what is love? Again, love is allowing. You’re allowing her to love you. She just naturally does it. Like my ex-wife was like that. She just. I didn’t have to do anything. All I had to do is show up.

Why she continues to do this? As I mentioned, we almost don’t have any rapport, sex is in best way just okay, at least on my side. I never asked her how it is for her, but looks to me for her sex is just okay for her too. I even stopped to make the effort on dates because for the first time in life, sometimes I feel like a piece of meat, but not in good way, other times I feel like consolation prize. 

Dude, you should be doing some personal self-reflection on your self talk, and you should also just read back through your email. And look in your email and how you talk about yourself and refer to yourself.

I mean, I act almost like as I am trying to sabotage that situation because I don’t see any future with her. 

And that’s another thing. If you’re used to things being fucked up. I mean, look where he came from. He came from a relationship with a woman who’s lying and cheating. Not very communicative. And he felt relieved when he got out of it. So to him, what is normal in a relationship is chaos, being lied to, being cheated on. And at least so far with this girl that he’s just kind of hooking up with from the office for the last few months, he doesn’t have any of those problems. It actually kind of seems kind of normal. He thinks she’s hot. She thinks he’s hot. He doesn’t feel like they have a lot of chemistry. But at the end of the day, she’s all over him like white on rice. And so it’s pretty easy going, easy to get along with.

But at the end of the day, he’s kind of like, “it’s got to be something wrong here.” So this is kind of, it almost seems like it’s a normal type of relationship. But since he’s used to only abnormal relationships with people that are not treating him very well, he thinks there’s something wrong with her, or him, for that matter. And in reality, it’s if you’re with somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, who treats you good, who’s loyal, who communicates well, that’s how it should be.

But if you’re used to things always being fucked up because you grew up in an environment where there’s lots of chaos and in drama, you’re going to seek out relationship partners that are going to help you play that out because that feels normal to you. Things being like this, where all he has to do is show up and she’s all over him. It’s like, he’s questioning it. Remember the last girl cheated on him it seems like. And so this girl is just really into him and he’s like, “I’m not even doing anything.” He’s like, “I’m not even trying to date her. I’m not even looking for that.” But yet she’s all over him and keeps asking him out.

Just to clarify, on the first two dates, I tried to build a connection, but there seems to be no chemistry except for the looks. Yeah, she is hot. That’s why I still have sex with her. What to do in this situation, to stop all of that. Especially because we work together. Or you maybe have an idea what is the problem? 

Well, I think your self-perception is the problem, and you don’t really accept value and love yourself. Because you clearly see yourself as not worthy of the kind of love and attention you’re getting from her. Because, again, you were used to being abused and cheated on, and this girl treats you like gold. And you think she’s hot but at the end of the day, you’re like, “I don’t feel like we have a lot of chemistry.” So if it was me and this is the first time with this girl, let her love you. That’s what you should do. Let her love you and see where it goes. Maybe you’ll soften up over time. And you’ll realize, man, she’s made things so much better for me than anybody else.

It’s like she’s nice to me. She’s easygoing, easy to get along with. And then down the road as you’re vetting. I mean, maybe she’ll be a loyal and faithful girl. Maybe she won’t. But there’s nothing wrong with it. I had a, um, a client who was a very famous or very, I should say, very well known marriage and couples therapist from Europe. And he was with his wife for over 25 years. He charges a lot of money. High profile people seek him out for help with their marriages and their relationships. And I started coaching him. That was like ten, 12 years ago. I think it was. And teaching them the stuff that I knew. And eventually he left his wife because he wasn’t happy.

And he had a real hard time with it because he’s like, you know, how can I, as a marriage and couples therapist, leave my wife of 25 years? What are people going to think? What are my clients going to think? I was like, you want to be happy? And so he dated a bunch, and I had a phone session with him a few years back, because I hadn’t talked to him in several years. His business is doing great. He’s taken the stuff he’s learned from me. He’s teaching it. He’s got courses. Obviously he speaks another language. And then other therapists that do what he does have also kind of copied his work. And now there’s like I think he said there was like 5 or 6 other people like him that have all learned what he learned from me, basically.

And they’re teaching it now. So now it’s in another language. And he’s been in a relationship for like 4 or 5 years at that time with a younger woman who’s very beautiful. They don’t fight. They get along effortlessly. And he called me because he’s like, is this normal? Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Because, again, he was used for 25 years butting heads. And all day long he’s dealing with couples that are having problems. And the thing that adds the least amount of stress into his life is his relationship with his hot younger girlfriend. They don’t have any problems, but in his mind, it’s like it’s got to be something wrong with this.

He detailed everything that had been going on, and he’s like, what do you think? I was like, you made it, Dude. You made it to the other side. You did it. You accomplished your mission. You upgraded. You got a hot younger woman who you get along amazingly with. And for him, his whole life, he was used to conflict and things being difficult and unpleasant. And for the last 5 or 6 years that he’d been with his girlfriend. It was like things were easy and effortless. He’s not used to that. That didn’t feel normal to him. And so just think about the effect it has on him and his relationship, his relationship with his kids, and all of his clients.

Because he knows what it’s supposed to be like now. He knows what it’s like to be a 3% Man. Easy and effortless. And so in his mind, he was looking for something to be wrong. And obviously when we talked, it was like, I was proud of him. He’s doing great. He was just like. But something kind of like that, is kind of what’s going on here. This guy is used to being lied to, cheated on, chaos, party girls, being dicked around. And this girl just seems to think he’s better than sliced bread. So allow this girl to love you and see what happens.

I hope this is, at least, interesting situation for your newsletter, although I am seriously interested if there is something wrong with her?

He’s like, “There’s got to be something wrong with this girl for her to like me so much.” Again, think about your self-talk here. You don’t think highly of yourself. But this is what happens. It’s like if you spend your whole life in chaos and things not going well and being mistreated, then you come across a woman that just thinks you’re awesome. You’re like, “There’s gotta be something wrong with her. What the fuck is wrong with this chick?”

Or do I do something accidentally what keeps her attracted enough to want to date me with her asking me out on dates.  Every other girl wouldn’t go out on the second date in situation like this, let alone asking me out on dates. 

Best regards, 

Bob

Well, I mean, there’s somebody for everybody, Dude. I mean, there’s multiple people for everybody. But at the end of the day, this is why until you come across a situation like this, where it’s easy going, easy to get along with, you just have to spend enough time in relationships with people like this and this becomes your new reality. If you’re used to chaos and things not going well, and then you date somebody where it’s just easy and effortless, it’s a paradigm shift. And you’re going to be faced with feelings of guilt. You’re going to think there’s something wrong. Just like my client who was a couples therapist.

He learned a whole other set of tools, transformed himself, transformed his life, transformed his practice. It’s transforming the lives of his clients on a level that he wasn’t able to do before, because now he’s living it. He’s living things on a level. And so it just gives him an insight and an expertise that just most people don’t have. And so this is the way things should be, because you want to come home to a woman who brings peace into your life, who’s just happy to see you and happy to be around you. Not somebody that’s been waiting and scheming and plotting all day for when you come home so she can unload on you and try to diminish you and belittle you and berate you and talk shit to you and make you feel like crap.

But like I said, love is allowing, bro. So allow her to love you and see what happens. I know you’re not used to it, but this should be your new standard. And when a woman doesn’t treat you this way, you should be onto the next. Because in the past, it looks like you always kind of stuck around trying to fix things. So this is the way it is supposed to be. This should be your new reality going forward. And again, the big takeaway from this email is you really got to start thinking about and focusing on your self-talk, your self-perception, how you refer to yourself.

Even in conversation with other people, you probably catch yourself saying things that are demeaning and belittling to yourself, that give away the fact that you don’t really have a high opinion of yourself. But that’s what’s beautiful and transformative about love, and that makes your heart flower, is when you get into a relationship with somebody like this, and they just think you’re the shit. All you had to do was show up and you’re awesome in their eyes. You check enough of her boxes to where she wants to be with you. And so if you never used to that the first time it happens, it’s going to be disconcerting.

And just like this guy, he’s like, it’s gotta be something wrong with her. It’s like, doesn’t she see how bad I am? So good for you, Dude. Congratulations on attracting somebody like this. This kind of what happens. This is the way life is. It’s kind of a mystery, you know? You’re not used to things going well, and all of a sudden a girl comes out of left field and it’s like, you can do no wrong, so enjoy the hell out of it and treat her good because she deserves it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.