Why being in a relationship with a toxic person or someone who is not a good match for you can cause you to question and doubt yourself to the point you feel guilty and as if you don’t know yourself anymore.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who is thirty-five and has been with his girlfriend for the past six years. She is twenty-six. Things have been very difficult the past year. She says she loves him but is not in love with him. Last week she got drunk, made out with and groped another man. She swears it won’t happen again. He says he would marry her. He is distraught and often has suicidal thoughts.
The second email is from a woman who has been in an abusive relationship for the past six years. There have been many fights, breakups and some physical abuse on both sides. He often lied to her about where he was, what he was doing and where he had been. This bad relationship has caused her to be fearful of future relationships and feel like she does not even know herself anymore. She asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hello Coach Corey,
Please help me. I’m 35 and have been with my girl for 6 years. She is 26. For the last year, things have been really hard, and she has been saying she loves me, but she’s not in love with me, which is breaking me up. (A big way to help yourself is to start reading my book, not only to make your relationship better, but so you can be better. The only thing you have control over in life is what you do. You don’t have any control over how your girlfriend shows up.) Then last week, she went out with work mates and ended up kissing and groping another man. (That disqualifies her right there. Loyalty doesn’t mean anything to her. You can’t be making relationship decisions with someone who’s going out and doing this.) She says she doesn’t want to be with him, but enjoys his company, (In other words, she’s going to keep doing it), it just happened with drinks, and it won’t happen again. (It won’t happen again unless she gets really drunk again. If it happens once, it’ll happen a second time. When women like this are really happy and their needs are being met, they’ll stay faithful, but if things aren’t going well, it doesn’t matter. Loyalty goes out the window. That is the painful reality you should accept.) I feel totally devastated, as I would marry her tomorrow, but I understand she hasn’t been happy for a while, and the spark has gone. (I would never even consider marrying a woman like this dude. You are with a woman who places no value on loyalty.)
We live together in a small studio apartment, have no room for space and don’t have any family or friends near. I do everything for her and feel like she takes me for granted and shows me no love. (It sounds like you’re a pleaser, you’re needy and you’re making all the effort with somebody who’s continually disrespecting you. You’re acting like a doormat, but remember, nobody will ever say or do anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.) I need to know how to attract her to me again, as I am at rock bottom and don’t want to lose her. (Dude, she’s already got one foot out the door, and this is not somebody who will ever be faithful. You thinking she will change is just being delusional.) I have been having thoughts of killing myself that scare me shitless, and I know I am doing everything wrong to get things back on track. (It would probably be a good idea to get yourself a therapist or somebody you can talk to about those things. As men, when we fear the future and feel like we’re not enough and won’t be able to accomplish our goals or our objectives, we feel worthless. Those thoughts creep into every guy’s mind at some point in their lives when the future seems hopeless. However, don’t take ownership and blame yourself because this girlfriend of yours is disloyal. Now you know she isn’t somebody who will place a high value on loyalty, commitment and communication. You need to read my book 10-15 times asap, and if you’re feeling that bad, go see a licensed therapist who can help you out with that. All of life is a negotiation. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate.)
If you could find the time to help me, as I don’t know what to do, I would appreciate it more than you know. (This woman is incapable of ever offering you what you’re looking for. I personally would cut her loose. Focus on yourself and take care of you. The only thing you have control over is how you take care of you and your life. You have to become what you want to attract. Then you can attract a really great woman who has your same vibe. You deserve better.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
Dear Coach Corey,
I have done something that I feel extremely ashamed about. I have spoken to my friends and most of them think that I acted crazily. I tend to agree with them, because I am struggling to get over what I have done. (Most people are worried about the past or what they did in the past, or they’re worried about the future, instead of living in the present. I highly encourage you to read Eckhart Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now.” The only moment that exists is right now. You can’t do anything about what you did in the past. The only thing you can do is accept it. When we don’t accept reality for what it is, we’re going to suffer.) It’s a long story, and I feel the need to tell the whole story so that you can understand why I did what I did.
I was in a relationship with someone who broke up with me a few times and ended up asking for me back every time. I always thought the break up was my fault because he usually broke up with me when I was having a bad time, thus not the most pleasant person. (If you were with a man who really understood women and knew how to support you and be the rock and mountain in your relationship, he wouldn’t dump you. He was being a weak bitch and wasn’t enough of a man for you.) I decided to become the best that I could be. (Good job. That’s what you should focus on.) I learned to trust him and just let things be while trying to show my love, support and appreciation. We were together in total almost 6 years and stayed together the last almost 2 years. The first year and a half living together was great, but then he started to drift away. I thought that because his job was so intense that I should just continue to support him and show my love. (It sounds like you were doing the right thing.) He was very unhappy with the job, (Remember, if a man is not happy with his purpose and mission in life, he’s not going to feel like he has enough. If he’s not in a peaceful, balanced state, he’s not capable of having a good, healthy relationship. If you are going through a difficult time, he doesn’t know how to deal with it, and he leaves. He’s not a man, and he’s not ready for a woman like you. That’s not your fault), so I asked him to get another one, and he got a great job very soon after applying. I was so happy for him. (That’s what a good woman does. You support your man and his purpose and mission in life.)
He became very rude and got angry very easily. (No one will ever do or say anything to you that is not a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in the moment. He was projecting his self-hatred onto you. Fear is behind anger. He became diminished by the situation, because he just wasn’t man enough.) We started fighting almost every day, (Men who understand women never argue with them), and he threatened to break up with me sometimes during the heat of the moment. (He didn’t know how to handle it, and his solution was to just leave.) One day we fought about something really dumb. We were about to leave our place to visit friends, and I said I didn’t want to go anymore, as I was feeling really upset at the time. He said I must come, so I went with him, and when I pushed the security gate towards him, so that we can lock up before leaving, it went a bit far because I wasn’t looking. He flung the gate back at me and it gave me a blue eye. (That’s it. Game over. Don’t forgive men who put their hands on you. If they do it once, they’ll do it again. If you take them back, you’re just inviting them to do it again when they can’t handle a situation.) He initially said that it was because he was extremely offended, and said he is sorry. (He tried to blame you for it.) Then he basically convinced me that it was a mistake, and that he pushed it out the way with his foot, but that story does not match up to what I remember. (You know he was lying. He didn’t take ownership for it. A real man admits when he fucks up.)
Things got worse, he started treating me worse and he was often thinking about breaking up. I told him if he wants to break up, then he should, but I am still willing to try and make it work. (The only way a relationship will work is if both people place a high value on communication. He doesn’t, and he can’t. He’s incapable of it.) He started going out a lot, getting wasted and driving drunk. He didn’t want me around, wouldn’t let me come out with him, said I was unpleasant, and said he needed space. I gave him his space and started doing my own things. Then there was one week that we didn’t fight. I thought that things were finally going to be the way that they were before all this fighting started. He was out with his friend, and I asked him to come back, because it was already 2 am. He said, “Sorry, I’m only coming back at 4 am.” I said, “Hell no, where are you?” He didn’t reply. (This is not the type of guy you would want as the father of your children. He still hasn’t grown up. He’s a little boy.) This was the first time in a long time that I asked him to come home after a night out. He used to say that nothing good happens after 2 am. I thought since we had a good week with no fighting that I could join them. There’s only one place open at 2 am where I stay, so I went there to find them, but the place was closed. I had a bad feeling, so tried phoning him but he wouldn’t pickup, even though I could see he knew I was calling, because he was online on the instant messaging app. I became very angry. I knew he was going to come home and lie to me about where he was. I got my pepper spray ready. Then thought that I shouldn’t use it, but I waited for him at the door and when he came in I asked him where he was and he said he was at the place that I looked for him. He made up more lies when I said he was lying, and I ended up pepper spraying him. (What is the value of what you’re getting with this guy? Because I don’t see it.) I have never been aggressive towards him before.
One week after this, I was with my friend, the topic of her husband’s bachelor’s party came up, and she said they went to the strip club. She gave some details about what my ex did, and I was so shocked. I knew that they were planning to go to the strip club, but when I asked my ex about it, he said that they didn’t end up going, because the bachelor was not interested. This information gave me a clue to where he was when he lied about where he was. Up to this point, I was constantly blaming myself for what had happened. I wanted to know the truth so that I can get on with my life. (Good luck trying to get the truth out of a liar.) For me, I don’t like my significant other going to strip clubs, but lying about it or anything related is a total deal-breaker. (Good for you.) So for me it was really important to have this information, so that if he asked for me back in 3-6 months time, I can easily just say, “No, thanks.” I knew by this time that he was a liar, and it would be difficult to make him confess, so I thought of a way to make him confess. When he came home, I stood with a knife in my hand and asked him when he started going to strip clubs, and when were the times he went. He confessed to what I already knew/thought, which was enough for me to not want to be with him anymore, because how can I trust him after all the lies. (Well, you obviously can’t.) And now all the mean things he said and did is hovering over this whole thing making my decision for breaking up more clear. (You might want to consider some therapy and counseling for yourself.)
The fighting was really only 2 months and the strip club and bachelor’s party was one month before we broke up. It felt like it was a year of fighting, because I really don’t like fighting. Things just got really bad so quickly, and I still love him. I think that there are many more lies, but it’s not worth it anymore. Now my guilt about what I did, the pepper spray and knife, is haunting me. (At the end of the day, you can’t change what was done in the past. What’s done is done.) I cannot believe that I did that. (All you can do is accept it.) At the time, I justified to myself. I knew I wouldn’t hurt him with the knife. I am so ashamed and scared to get into another relationship, because it feels like I don’t know myself anymore. (It’s understandable why you feel this way, because you’re not behaving naturally. You’re not behaving as you would under normal circumstances. You are with somebody in an abnormal, unhealthy situation.) Do good people do this kind of thing, or am I just an abuser? (Well he was definitely an abuser because he hurt you with the gate. It would be understandable that you feel unsafe around this guy.) Is this something people can understand, or will they just think I’m mad? I often feel like an alien when I’m around people these days. (I definitely think seeing a therapist or a counselor to talk about these things would be good for you to help you heal. You have to get to a place where you love and value yourself. I highly suggest you read my book so you know which guys get it and which guys don’t. That way, you’ll never get involved with a douchebag like this again.)
I often asked him why things turned so bad, and he said it was because he felt so guilty about swinging the gate into my face. I tried to tell him that it’s okay, and that I forgive him, but it didn’t help. (It’s not okay that he smacked you in the face with the gate. If he did it once, he’ll do it again. That’s just the reality. Right now you need to focus on you and get yourself back to a place where you’re really happy. What you’re really guilty of is staying in an unhealthy relationship too long, where the anger and frustration built up.)
“Strong emotions and feelings of love often blind us and prevent our seeing people and situations for what they really are. When you love someone, you care for him or her despite any glaring flaws. Nobody is perfect after all, and everyone has flaws. Physical attraction does not automatically make someone a good match or a compatible lover. Since most people in society tend to settle for people who are less than their ideal, they often stick around longer than they should, hoping things will change or they can change the other person. When you think about your best friends and how easy it is to get along with them in an effortless way, common sense should make it obvious that unless a lover is easy to get along and communicate with, they simply are not a good match, and you should move on and continue your search. Fear of the future, fear that you won’t find anyone better, fear of being alone, etc., are lies and illusions made up by our monkey brains that must be ignored in order to break free and reach our full potential.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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