I Don’t Know What I Want

What it means when a woman you are dating says, “I don’t know what I want,” but you thought everything was going well, and what you can do to turn things around.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is relatively new to my work. He just finished reading my book for the first time. A few months ago, he met a really hot girl he had an instant connection with. They spent the whole night together dancing and kissing, and at the end of the night they exchanged numbers, but then she told him she had a boyfriend. Two days later, she reached out to tell him that she had broken up with her boyfriend. Over the next five weeks they had a really passionate love affair full of fun, great sex and romance.

Then he went overseas for work for about two months. Things were fine for the first month, and then she started becoming distant. She started blowing him off, and eventually told him she did not know what she wanted. He was confused and perplexed. This led him to my work. He later learned she was dating another guy, and shortly after that, she was back with her ex-boyfriend. He realizes now, she was not good girlfriend material. He recently had a first date with a new woman, where he did everything textbook and hooked up. He shares how my book helped him see the light, get over the breakup and find a new woman. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Coach,

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your great work and advice. I am quite new to your work, but so glad I found it. I have just finished reading your book for the first time, and it has really helped me get over and understand the last girl I dated. I will tell you what happened in case you wanted to use the story in some way, but I will keep it short, because I know you are a busy man.

I met this great girl a few months ago on a night out. We hit it off straight away. There was something between us. I thought she was perfect — great body, great ass, blonde hair and the banter to go with it. (Sometimes looks can be deceiving. That’s why it’s important not to get bowled over by a woman’s beauty and think she’s just as beautiful on the inside as she is the outside.) We spent the whole night together dancing, kissing, etc. At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers, but then she told me had a boyfriend, so we went our separate ways. (Next time around, when you meet a girl like this, she should be out the door. That’s pretty selfish and narcissistic.) Two days later, she texted me telling me she had broken up with her boyfriend, because he cheated on her, and she wanted to see me. (If she had a healthy self esteem and was a woman of integrity, she would have dumped him. However instead, she’s giving the boyfriend the impression she’s still going to hang around, because she’s too insecure to do anything about it, and in the meantime, she’s lining up a replacement.) We met up the next night, and we carried on right where we left off. We spent the next 5 weeks together dating, having fun and having great sex. She couldn’t get enough texting and calling me all the time to see how I was and when we were seeing each other next. It was a great 5 weeks. After the 5 weeks, I had to leave the country for two months to work, but before I left, she gave me the, “Where is this going?” question. (It sounds like she wanted to be exclusive.) She told me she wanted me to come back to her and for us to be together, and that she was so excited to be with me and have a future with me. She even said, “I think this is something special,” and as any guy would, when a great, hot girl is saying this to you, I said yes.The first month I was away, everything was fine. She was still calling, texting and Skyping me all of the time in the fun and naughty way we always did, but then she started being different with me, not calling as much and being distant when she replied to my texts. I asked her what was wrong, and she gave me the “I don’t know what I want” speech. (When a woman says, “I don’t know what I want,” what she’s really saying is, “I know what I want, and it’s just not you, but I don’t want to say it, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”) We argued a little, because I was so confused as to what had happened. I told her I was going to give her space to find out what she wanted, and I’d see her when I got back in 3 weeks. (That’s a great comeback there.) Straight away, she replied with, “No don’t do that to me. Don’t leave me.” I thought, “she will be back,” but what did I do? Yes, after 3 days of not hearing from her, I chased and chased and got no reply except, “I’m too busy to talk.” (Translation: “I have no interest in talking to you.”)

After about a week of this, I sent her a big message basically saying, “Tell me what’s happening. I need you in my life.” She told me that she had changed her mind and didn’t want anyone anymore. (She’s saying she doesn’t want you anymore.) She just wanted to have fun for a while. I sent another needy text and never got a reply. I found out from a friend that, not long after I left, she had been sleeping with another guy. (As soon as you left the country, her attraction level dropped. This woman should be a fuck buddy and nothing more.) I didn’t say anything to her. I was so confused and angry about what had gone on. (It’s not your fault dude. Now you’re just finding out her true nature.) I was so caught up with trying to win her back when I came home. Then, I found out she is back with her ex, and I lost it even more, but then I found your work, and it completely changed everything.

Even though the time we spent together was great, and she was hot, that is not the type of girl I want in my life. (It’s really awesome that you realize that now.) If a girl can’t be bothered with trying to keep you in her life, why should you? (Absolutely. Besides, she has no integrity. She will only be loyal as long as her needs are being met, but as soon as her needs are not being met, she will cheat.) If you can’t really trust someone, then you can’t truly be happy. (Love cannot exist where there is no trust.) Even though I did do some things wrong, that does not make it right for what she did. (True, but at the end of the day, she doesn’t care, because it didn’t mean anything to her. She has no integrity.) If I hadn’t found your work, I would probably be still hung up on this girl. I went out on my first date since this happened the other night, I followed all of the steps in the book and it went great. We hung out, had fun and hooked up at the end of the night. She even asked me about when we would go on our next date — winning. (Pay attention to see if this new girl is insecure. Be on the lookout.)

So cheers again coach. Keep up the good work. I will definitely recommend your work. (When you have painful experiences like this, these are the ones who really teach you a lot.)

Bob

“If you date enough people in your life, eventually you will come across a few scoundrels. Some people are so selfish and narcissistic, they have absolutely no empathy for anyone else’s feelings, don’t think twice about lying and have an ‘everyone for themselves’ type of attitude. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you; it’s simply that they suck as human beings. The people who hurt you the most, often teach you the biggest lessons. No relationship is ever a waste of your time. There’s a gift in every experience that is designed to make you better, so you can attract an even better quality lover the next time around.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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