I Don’t Trust My Girlfriend. Something Feels Off. What Can I Do?

What you can do if you don’t trust your girlfriend because something feels off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous girlfriend cheated on him. His new girlfriend has some male orbiters and seems to have cheated on a previous boyfriend. He simply doesn’t trust her or feel comfortable.

He’s also a little too focused on a relationship, their future and seeking her attention and validation. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who you can tell he’s obviously going to get triggered by the woman he’s dating when she displays any kind of disloyal behavior. She’s got male orbiters and his previous girl cheated on him. So that’s right before the woman he’s dating now and the woman he’s dating now is kind of exhibiting the same signs, and that’s disconcerting, but it doesn’t look like he’s 100% sure that she’s not loyal. There’s just a lot of things that he didn’t like that happen before they became exclusive.

You got to understand, this is part of the vetting process. If you’re going to consider a long-term relationship with somebody you could potentially have kids with or potentially involve the state in your relationship and get married, you got to see reality as it is, and you got to spend enough time dating somebody to know what they really like. A good judge of that is what is the relationship, if she likes her dad, loves her dad, loves her family, respects his authority. He’s the man of the house. He’s not a fucking beta male that everybody walks all over. When he says, “This is what we’re going to do,” everybody agrees to it. The women don’t continue to badger him and nag him until he gives in. The man is truly the man of the household. Her father, she looks up to him. She respects him, she admires him, she absolutely adores her father, trusts his judgment, goes to him when she’s got questions or issues and he did a good job of raising her. He taught her a good set of values to be loyal, to be honest, to not lie.

If the father didn’t do those things, if he didn’t do a good job, if she grew up in an environment where cheating was modeled, where both parents were lying and cheating, or there’s drama and chaos in the family, that’s what she learned. That’s what was modeled for her. You’re not going to fix that. You’re not going to change that. You’re not going to undo decades of bad parenting. You got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

How are you? I hope you are doing great. 

You did newsletter about my situation in the video, I Don’t Feel We Have Any Chemistry Or Connection, But She Really Likes Me. Why? Since then, the girl from video became my girlfriend (We started to talk about relationships in general, and in first five minutes of conversation, she made it known to me, loud and clear, that she is ready to be in relationship with me for some time, which I saw it coming). We became more connected. Still a work in progress, but it is getting there.

So remember, this is a guy that’s saying, “I don’t feel we have any chemistry or connection,” and if I remember right, this is the one I just did in the last couple of weeks.

So what’s going on there is that he doesn’t feel that there’s any chemistry or connection and yet he’s continuing to date her. He’s having to work to carry the conversations. She’s never really asking him any questions about himself or anything like that. It’s like, if that’s what’s going on in your relationship, why would you get serious with somebody? Like, why would you agree to be in a relationship with somebody that behaves that way? That’s just nuts. That’s like a guy that’s just a lonely dude and he wants somebody to keep him company. If you’re making decisions based on that because you’re lonely and then you ignore reality that you’re with somebody that’s not a good person, that’s a you problem. That’s called lack of discipline. Lack of emotional self-control.

Although I am generally happy with her, there are some issues which makes me uncomfortable and I don’t how to look at them. I’m not sure it those issues are my jealousy, trauma (From past relationship where my ex tried to cheat on me and had to found out that she cheated on every other person she was in relationship) or my gut is telling me something is wrong with my current relationship. 

Well again, all we got to do is look at the last newsletter. What was the title of that one, again? I Don’t Feel We Have Any Chemistry Or Connection, But She Really Likes Me. Why? Again, if I remember right, he was like carrying the conversation most of the time. So probably because he was lonely and he wanted a girlfriend, he’s like, “Well, this will do,” hoping he’s going to get better, he’s going to change things, and it clearly hasn’t gotten better. So here we have a guy that looks like he’s kind of settling. He’s putting up with somebody that just doesn’t knock his socks off, yet he wants it to be better than it is, right?

Firstly, about how she is acting towards me:

She very thankful and full of love for every date I make for us (She is happy, sweet, wants sex more than me and very submissive). She always builds me up, makes little celebrations about my achievements, etc). Also, she includes herself in my activities and hobbies which are not her territory (Like working and fixing old cars). By her general acts toward me, she is a great girlfriend to me. 

You see? Like this is the way girls are like. Just like Ocean. You’re such a chick. You just always want attention. They want your attention all the time, even the female dogs. So it’s a great metaphor. Glad you’re here!

But there a few issues that I don’t know if I should ignore, take self reflection or take into consideration about her character. 

Well, character is destiny, dude. You got to look at what a woman does, not what she says.

A few times we talked about infidelity and she is always against it (As everybody is, including most of cheaters), but there was a moment that when I mentioned that in one of her stories about the past, in one part I thought she was cheater, she became silent (Not angry or something liked that. Just awkwardly silent until I changed a subject).

Well remember, the quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask each other. So you just swept something under the rug. So in a situation like that, I would be like, “Wow, you’re really quiet. You just got really quiet. Did you cheat on that person?” And ask her, “You feel a little guilty?”

There were few moments like that with sensitive subjects where she became silent suddenly. For instance, in a group subject that it is inappropriate to enjoy attention of orbiters when you are in relationship…

It helps if you guys do a spell check before you send these emails in, because sometimes your grammar or your spelling, it’s like, I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to say.

…Especially if you know the person likes you or liked you in the past. 

So in other words, he’s been with her and it looks like she enjoys the attention from other men. Not only does she enjoy it, more than likely, she’s probably encouraging it.

So if you’re with her and she’s encouraging attention from other men, typically that’s what happens when the girl grows up without a father, a strong father or a father that she loves and respects. She didn’t get the attention that she wanted from her dad, so she’s always seeking male attention and validation, even if she’s in a relationship, and that’s not a good sign for long-term loyalty.

She did act a little bit flirty sometimes with co-worker when we were just dating, but she volunteered that she was acting like that because she wasn’t sure about my actions toward her. She stopped it since when I first mentioned it to her (Even offering to cut any small talks with him). 

This was not the only event. There where few weird moments, including one where I caught her with an unbuttoned shirt so much that her bra was showing in front of two co-workers (One of them is the one mentioned above) the day when I wasn’t supposed to come to company building (We work together, but sometimes I have to go to a construction site). That is out of her character, at least in front of me. At that moment, we still haven’t been in relationship yet, but we were in 5-6 weeks of dating.

So if your girl is unbuttoning her shirt to kind of show her bra, when a woman does that, it’s like, “Hey, you want to see my titties?” She’s trying to be sexy. It’s funny when a woman wants something, they do that. In this case, it looks like she wanted attention. In another case, maybe she comes over like that and she asks you for a favor. Women are smart. They understand what guys like. 

The most recent event happened this weekend when she had to look something at my phone while I was driving. I mentioned that I have to add her fingerprint on my phone (For now, we don’t have access to each other phones). Looking back, she became awkward again in the moment, but at that time, I didn’t notice it probably because I was driving and we had fun the whole day.

So if you’re talking about, “Hey, let’s give each other access to our phones,” she was going, “Oh shit, I got a lot of things to delete first.” That’s probably what she was thinking. We’re assuming, but that’s not a good look. It’s not a good sign. Then again, it’s like you’ve only been dating her for a few months, so it’s not like you’ve been together for two years and this was going on. Still, if you’re exclusive and she brought it up yet these things are happening, again the thing with the unbuttoned shirt, it seems like it was before the exclusivity happened.

2-3 hours later, out of blue, she showed me a recent text message with a guy who she used to date.

Probably because she’s feeling a little guilty.

The message itself wasn’t inappropriate, just that the guy DM’d her story (Graduation photo). She thanked him, and even though he tried to continue conversation by complimenting her hard work, she didn’t respond to it after. 

Well, when a woman is loyal and trustworthy, she’ll tell you about those things.

The problem about the last event is that this event happened after two months of being in an official relationship and she mentioned it to me three weeks after guy messaged her (This weekend) after I causally mentioned giving her access to my phone. She said she wants to be open with me, but here actions surprised me little bit. I am pretty sure she wouldn’t mentioned it to me if I didn’t mentioned giving her access to my phone. 

Well again, you don’t have enough information, but there are some troubling signs, but this is the vetting process. It’s not all clean, cut and dry. She’s moving away from being a free agent, and now we’re trying to determine, is she going to permanently keep the male orbiters away, or will she just keep him away as long as she’s happy and in love with you? But as soon as you start slipping up, then she starts responding to their messages, starts inviting their attention. That’s the thing you don’t know, and that really just takes enough time being with somebody to know how they are. If she’s totally loyal and committed to you, she’s just not going to be doing those things, ever. Even if you’re going through a bumpy road or a rough patch in their relationship.

There is also something which confuses me. She never said it outright that she doesn’t want to, but I mentioned to her that I think it’s sign of good character to have a relationship status on social media (Facebook), but she just said that she uses Facebook only for parents (Although she has over 700 friends on Facebook) and she never posted a relationship status after the talk (Neither did I, since she didn’t).

This tells me you’re focused a little too much on the relationship and locking her down, because you’re basically implying and hinting that you want to be Facebook official, which again, you shouldn’t be doing that. It’d be much better if she does that and then wants you to know why you haven’t done it yet also. So this is where you’re kind of starting to act like the chick a little bit.

She post stories of us on Instagram, but the status thing doesn’t give sense of security in her. 

It also is still kind of early.

Otherwise, she acts good to me, she mentions all the time to me that she feels happy being with me, she loves me, etc. 

She knows about my last relationship that ended by my ex trying to cheat on me (My ex talking to ex friends with benefits behind my back and offering him a date with her and actually admitting it after I caught her).

Well, that’s not good.

So if she’s offering a date to another man when she’s supposedly your girlfriend, that’s a deal breaker. That’s like, “Bye, Felicia!”

My current girlfriend said to me that she is sorry that I had to go through something like that and that I didn’t deserve it. 

Are those issues my trauma (Insecurity), pure jealousy or there is something I should maybe be worried about and examine the whole situation again? Should I mention this to her, and if so, how? 

Well, I wouldn’t bring it up. Just be observant.

If this email ends up in newsletter, I hope that it helps if someone have these thoughts also. 

Best Regards, 

Bob

Well, from what I’ve seen here, you’re only a handful of months into this. So it’s like, what happens after six months, 12 months together after the honeymoon period is over? If this shit is still happening after a year together, that’s a problem, or six months together, that’s a problem, but most of this stuff looks like it happened right around the time or right before you guys became exclusive. So the best thing you can do is maintain the perception that you trust her completely and implicitly, because therefore, she’ll slip up, and if you’re about to give each other access to your phones, which again, that’s something you’re bringing up, that’s your idea, that tells me you’re a little more focused on the relationship and the commitment than she is, even though she brought up being exclusive. It’s like you’re kind of taking it a step further.

So if I were you, since now you’ve already committed to this woman, I would give it some time, give it the next 90 days and see what happens. Are the male orbiters completely gone, or does she slip up and you catch her a couple of times talking to other guys? Because now that you’re exclusive and she continues talking to male orbiters or inviting attention from other men, then that’s going to show you that she’s not really trustworthy. When a woman’s happy, content and she’s in love with you, she’s going to push all those guys to the back and not contact them, even if you go through a rough patch. Now, if you’re with a disloyal woman who is of low character and you go through a rough patch, she’ll definitely be responding to those DM’s and talking to those guys, maybe going to lunch and those kind of things, just like what your last girlfriend did. So it’s understandable that you’re a little gun shy.

What you really need is, you need more time and you need more data, and it’s best that she thinks that you trust her completely, because that’s how she’ll slip up and get sloppy, because the idea is you want to try to catch her. If you’re needy, you’re neurotic and you’re constantly all over her ass about her phone or this or that, she’ll just become better at hiding it, and it’ll take you a lot longer to figure out that she’s disloyal. So I’d say give it 90 days. Bide your time, see how it goes. If during the next 90 days, you notice that she’s still talking to orbiters, other guys or encouraging it, especially if you see her phone, then you know that’s a deal breaker and she’s not going to be a loyal person. That would mean that she would strictly be a friend with benefits, sex playmate, fuck buddy, but not a girlfriend or certainly not wife material.

So, to be continued. You got to put some time in with this because we just don’t have enough to make a decision because again, you were just kind of dating and hooking up. So we need to see how she operates for the next 90 days now that you guys are actually exclusive and then make a determination based upon her actions.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.