Why we tend to attract what we fear and why focusing on a relationship ending or a potential breakup, instead of giving to and enjoying each other, will cause us to consciously and unconsciously do and say things that cause us to drive the person that we want most right out of our lives.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girl for about eight months. Unfortunately, he has focused on the fact that he does not want to lose his girl. This has put him in a fearful state and has caused him to become jealous, fearful, needy, controlling, desperate, creepy and consistently turn her off. She has been telling him that she has been thinking about leaving him, but could not find a way yet.
She is now telling him that she needs time to think about what she really wants to do. She has asked for space and to trust that she knows what she’s doing. There is also a guy friend of hers that has made him extremely jealous and possessive. He asks what his chances are of turning things around if he changes his approach and starts to do what I teach in my book.
I have been dating my girl for eight months. We had a recent fall out, and I realized I was starting to lose her, so I got on track. She finally opened up and said she was thinking about leaving me, but couldn’t find the way. She said she hated me because I never asked her how she is doing, and she needs time to really think about what she wants to do. (You were focused on what she was doing for you instead of what you could give to the relationship.)
Since then, I have just been all over her. Every day starts off well and ends with me just over doing it. (This approach is turning her off.) I have been watching your videos, and I read your book. I know I have to back off a little bit and give her space. I was okay with that until I realized, her friend that always wanted me has been instigating.
She also began hanging out with a male friend, and her friend, the female, is the one that is pushing that situation. I got very jealous, and reached out to him. She was furious! She said I have to give her space and trust that she knows what she is doing. (She was mad you were interfering with your replacement.) If there is anything she needs me for, she would let me know. (You should call her out on what she’s doing.)
I also tried to do something from the movies, and walked to her house in the morning and gave her a hand written letter. (You were using the letter as a bribe to induce her to not leave you for this other guy.) She stopped by after work and talked to me about the situation with her friend, the guy. She said I shouldn’t go over her head, because now she has to deal with this guy, not me. (Tell her it’s not cool she’s talking to another guy.) Afterwards, we texted all evening. When I called, she said she did not want to speak, and I said okay. (You should only use the phone to make dates.)
If I change my game and follow your book, do you think I have a chance to keep her? (Let her know she needs to be clear on whether or not she will be hanging out with this other guy, and tell her to give you a call when she figures it out. If she reaches out to you, make her come to you and earn your time. She should be dong 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You get what you focus on in life. What you focus on expands. Where intention goes, energy flows. Instead of focusing on what you are afraid of happening or what you wish to avoid, instead focus on what you want to create and attract for your life. When we are fearful, we tend to focus on what we are trying to avoid. This in turn causes us to do and say things that actually bring about what we are trying to avoid. We don’t always have control over what happens to us in life, but we always have control over where we direct our focus. Focus on what you want and what actions you need to take to make what you want a reality. When you focus on what you want and you take action to make it a reality, eventually you will manifest your desired outcome. The results we get in life are always going to be aligned with our focus and actions.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne