I Dumped Her Because She Violated My Boundaries Repeatedly

Why it’s best to part ways with women who repeatedly violate your boundaries.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from the viewer whose email I answered in, Unattached Dating: If You Don’t Claim Her, Some Other Guy Will. He dumped her four months ago because she kept violating the boundaries they agreed to.

She would agree to things, then go back on her word and call him controlling when he called her out on it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What’s a good email about setting and ultimately enforcing healthy boundaries?

So this particular email is actually an update to a video newsletter I think it was back in February. We’re obviously in July of 2025 at this point. About five months after he sent me the original email video newsletter that was titled Unattached Dating: If You Don’t Claim Her, Some Other Guy Will. So what was going on early on in their courtship is when he was dating her, he was dating other women, and after about six weeks she wanted to be exclusive. He was applying what was in the book, she was starting to fall for him and wanted to be exclusive, but he said he wasn’t ready and he wanted to keep dating. So it wasn’t until five months later basically, when there was another dude, a male orbiter that was in the picture, I think she was going to go on a camping trip with him, if I remember right, that’s when he was like, “OK, I don’t want to be exclusive. I want to be in a relationship and I want you to be my girlfriend.” So by that point, he was the one asking her to be in a relationship.

Also, one thing I will say is it looks like she fell in love wanting to be exclusive, and after all those months of basically him treating her like a buddy, friends with benefits, she got to the point where her interest started dropping because you can only keep girls in a rotation or a practice squad for a finite period of time, typically because they’re going to want more than that. If you don’t give that to them, then eventually they’re going to dip on you, and that’s what what started to happen. So it’s like when this guy wanted to lock her down, her interest was dropping. So he kind of waited a little too long, was probably a little too cold, a little too distant. So when he asked her to be exclusive, it wasn’t her idea anymore, it was his idea because you’ll see in this email she tried to back out of it right after she agreed to it, and he’s still looking at how she was when she was in love with him in the beginning. So her interest clearly dropped.

The thing you got to remember, and that I discuss in the book, is when a woman says, “I love you,” it means “I love you,” is applicable for about 24 hours, just like a weather report, and after 24 hours, poof! It doesn’t matter anymore. So part of what he’s doing a little bit wrong here is that he’s looking at the past and how she was in the past and assuming she feels this way now. So he’s asking her to be exclusive, and at that point she was already kind of starting to look for the exits, but when we look at her behavior, she’s violating his boundaries. She had this male orbiter. Plus, there was a dating show that she auditioned for, and he’s like, “If you’re going to go on a dating show, I’m out, because you’re basically presenting to the world that you’re single when you’re supposedly in a relationship with me. In other words, you want to go on national TV and lie and say, ‘Oh, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m single,'” so she can compete in this contest. He’s like, “I’m out, if that’s the case” So she’s like, “Oh, I won’t go.” Then he later she lied to him. He later found out she actually went and auditioned for this thing and and didn’t get it.

The other thing he says is her parents are kind of toxic. So she doesn’t respect him, she doesn’t respect his boundaries, and ultimately, he made the right decision by breaking things off with her, because at this point her behavior just sucked. It is a good email to go through and learn from.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I wanted to update you that I broke up with this girl four months ago.  I was still in love with her, but she was incapable of respecting my basic boundaries.

Well, if a woman’s not going to submit to you, respect your boundaries and treat you properly, she’s going to have to go on down the road. That’s just the bottom line. She makes your dick hard and not your life hard. If she makes your life hard and occasionally makes your dick hard, she’s got to go.

The last email I wrote to you was concerned with the lead up to the exclusivity of the relationship.  We did become exclusive, and immediately I sensed a shift in her behavior.

Yeah, because by that point it was no longer her idea. She was no longer wanting to be exclusive. There was another guy in the picture and she was drifting away. Remember, rejection breeds obsession. So probably the only real reason why he wanted to lock her down at that point was because he didn’t want to lose her to another guy, but her interest had dropped. She didn’t feel the same way, but he assumed she did as you’ll see in the email, because he’s convinced that her interest was sky high and she was totally in love with him. I would say by the time he got around to ask her to be exclusive, it wasn’t because it was her idea. It was because he could feel her slipping away and going off with another guy.

She did cancel that trip with the dude the day after, but didn’t apologize for stalling and forgetting two times.

Yeah. So he’s like, “Hey, did you end things with that guy?” “Oh I forgot.” So it’s clear she didn’t really want to. She was stalling. She made a promise to him, and then she didn’t keep it.

I brought up how her refusal was violating a boundary and that if she wants a relationship with me she will have to not hang out one-on-one with guys without me there. She responded with, “So I can’t do cool stuff anymore? Are you going to take me to NFL games? You’re being controlling.”

“Stop being controlling.” “It’s simply respecting the boundaries that we agreed to and respecting our relationship. If you think it’s controlling, all you’re really saying is that you want the opportunity to basically go cheat and hang out with other dudes and act like you’re a free agent still. If that’s how you want to act, well then I’m not going to be exclusive with you.” Again, it was his idea to become exclusive after five months because he kept putting her off, and eventually she started looking for somebody else because he was still dating and sleeping with other women.

I took her on awesome dates all the time, Coach. She texted later that she “Misspoke/miscommunicated,” and didn’t mean that, and said she wanted to be my girlfriend. We discussed boundaries, and she agreed about staying away from dudes’ advances and we got along greatly and had sex, and became girlfriend/boyfriend that night. 

Again, this wasn’t her idea or her prompting. This was you. Him trying to pull her back from the brink of running off with another guy because he kept putting her off. I would say at the end of the day, the reason why he didn’t want to get serious with her is he wasn’t feeling it, but he also didn’t want to let her go. He didn’t like the idea of her dating and running off with another guy.

After the sex, she said, “I think I want to see other guys.”

I mean, that tells you right there she’s not feeling it at that point. So in that moment, it’s like she wasn’t feeling it. He’s twisting her arm to become boyfriend/girlfriend when she wasn’t feeling it because again, it had been several months before, I can’t remember from the email how long it had been since she had brought it up, but if a woman stops bringing up being boyfriend/girlfriend and being exclusive, typically it means they’ve checked out and they don’t care to be any longer. So you could tell she was just kind of going along with this.

I was shocked as her interest was sky high with her 100% calling/texting/pursuing me, she couldn’t keep her hands off me, constant sex, etc.

Well, that doesn’t mean she was head over heels in love with you. It just means that she was doing all the reaching out. You misinterpreted that and assumed she felt the same way that she did when she wanted to be exclusive with you. Remember, there’s another guy in the picture at this point. Again, if that guy wasn’t around, he probably wouldn’t have wanted to be exclusive with her. He would have wanted to keep it casual.

I didn’t freak out at all, but told her to sleep on it. I received an apology text the same night where she blamed it all on her period, and she was embarrassed that she said it, and apologized. 

It’s not her period. It’s their feelings. The only thing that matters is how women feel about you. Right there, what she’s saying is what she feels she really wants, but because you backed her into a corner, she submitted and agreed to it even though deep down she didn’t really want to agree to it. She didn’t really want to be a girlfriend at this point anymore.

I accepted, and we became boyfriend/girlfriend again.    

I’m kidding you not Corey, the following week she says, ” I applied for a dating reality TV show, but I’m probably not going to go on it.” I told her, “Well if you do that we’re done.” She tried to assure me that reality TV is fake. I said it was still disrespectful to me because she’s portraying to the world that she’s single, and would be humiliating me on national TV. 

I mean, think about that. “Oh hey, my girlfriend is on this reality dating show.” So you’re sitting there with your family, your mom and dad, and you see your girlfriend making out with some other dude telling everybody that she’s saying, “Oh no, she doesn’t have a boyfriend.” They’re going to be looking at you going, “You’re a fucking bitch. Why are you exclusive with this girl who’s clearly trying to fuck other guys? “Again, if we bottom line her actions, she did want to be exclusive with him and this guy, because he was only focused on his interest in her and the fact that he was trying to keep her from another guy and ignoring the fact that she was no longer feeling it.

She said I should not only be perturbed by this, but be cheering her enthusiastically!

So in other words, she’s like, “You shouldn’t get upset. You shouldn’t be perturbed. You should be cheering me on. “Well, if you were still just fuck buddies and it’s like, “Yeah, I’ll cheer you on.” Then you say, “Mom, dad! One of my fuck buddies is on TV,” or “One of my friends with benefits, my sex playmate is on this dating show.” That would have been a different story.

She was actually annoyed with my disapproval. WTF?

Well again, because she didn’t really want to be exclusive with you. The only reason you want to be exclusive with her is because you were worried about the other guy taking her from you because again, it’d been five months you’ve been dating her, and she wanted after week six to be exclusive and you kept saying, “No, I’m not ready. No, thanks. I don’t want that. I’m not looking for that. I’m not ready. I’m not in the same place,” but as soon as another guy was in the picture, he’s like, “Hey, I want you as my girlfriend,” but by that point, she was starting to feel something for somebody else because she’d been hanging out with that other guy because again, they weren’t exclusive at the time.

I let it be, but after work that day when I was returning to her house I called her and let her know that this was unacceptable and she was still trying to argue doing it.  I left and could hear her start to cry.  

She texted me the next day and she revealed to me that she STILL WENT ON THE AUDITION…

Yeah, she doesn’t respect you. It’s like, she don’t care. She can do what she wants.

So this is part of the problem. When you’re only focused on your interests and your feelings for this girl and you’re ignoring her actions, I mean, it’s obvious to me and it should be obvious to most of you guys that are good students that she wasn’t feeling it anymore, he’s trying to lock her down only because of the other dude, and he’s worried about losing her to another guy, which from a leverage perspective he’s got none, and that’s why she did it anyways, because she didn’t really care about him that much anymore.

Doesn’t matter if she’s doing all the calling, texting, pursuing and fucking his brains out, if we look at the fact that there’s an orbiter, if we look at the fact she wants to go on this dating show, she doesn’t respect you and your boundaries. In other words, she’s not worried about losing you because she doesn’t value having you in her life that much. She pleases you and goes along with it and then does what she’s going to do anyways. So she’s not honoring her word or commitment, which is disqualifying in itself.

…And proceeded to cleverly change the story saying she was never going to go on the show. She also apologized and called herself “very dumb.”

She’s just telling him what he wants to hear at this point.

I decided to go over to her house and end the relationship because she crossed these boundaries. 

Which quite frankly, was the right thing to do. You should have never asked her to be exclusive in the first place at that point with all his behavior going on, because where you were coming from is you were trying to lock her down only because there was another guy in the picture at that point.

She called me an insane narcissist and said I heard things in my head that she didn’t say. 

Well, I wouldn’t say you’re an insane narcissist. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So she’s projecting, so she’s probably a little bit of a narcissist herself because she did agree to things. Then she went back on her word. So keeping her word and being loyal doesn’t mean shit to her. That’s why she said that she wasn’t going to go on the show and then she went to the audition anyways because she didn’t care. She doesn’t care about losing you. She’s not that into you.

Then she took it all back and started apologizing profusely, admitting fault.

Coach, how does this make any sense? Everything was bliss, zero fights or arguments until the end where I felt she had had no respect for me. Did I do the right thing by leaving?

Bob

Yes. Well again, I explained very clearly throughout the email, again by the end, you were only focused on how much you wanted to lock her down, and you weren’t really being objective about the situation and where you guys really actually were. You were living in the past where she wanted to lock you down and be exclusive, but ignoring where you really were, which was your five months down the line and you’re just kind of fuck buddies at this point and she was probably sleeping with this other guy because they were only exclusive it looks like for a matter of days, two or three days, maybe a week.

Again, the only reason he brought up locking her down and being in a relationship is because he was afraid of losing her but again, like I said, if the other dude wasn’t in the picture, this probably wouldn’t have even happened. He would have just kept dating her and not wanting to be exclusive with her. So that’s why when I’m talking to guys like this and they’re having these situations, because rejection breeds obsession, I say, “Well, take me back to where things were before, when she was wanting to be exclusive and you didn’t,” and I point that out, the fact that that’s how they really felt, they really felt that she wasn’t 100% what they wanted and the only reason he wanted to lock her down was because he didn’t want to lose her to somebody else. It’s as simple as that. As Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

P.S., Sadly, her dad and mom are absolutely toxic.

Well I mean, she lies to your face, she agrees to things and then goes back on her word. So she has low character anyways. Quite frankly, you did the right thing all along by just keeping her as your fuck buddy, friends with benefits. So you got to see the situation as it really is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is and not get emotionally hijacked just because you’re worried about losing somebody. The bottom line is how he really felt about her, he didn’t really want to be with her exclusively anyways, so it was never going to work. So good on you for having a strength to ultimately walk away.

Again, I wouldn’t try to lock her down. I would have been realistic about where you were with her, and you should have just kept dating her and whoever, and if she’d had gone off on the show or whatever, you’d have been able to cheer her on. I would be like, “Hey, good for you! Oh yeah, you met a guy on TV? Great! Hope you guys live happily ever after!” Scarcity creates value.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.