I Dumped Her Because She Was Needy & Constantly Questioned My Integrity

How to determine if it’s fixable when your girl is needy & constantly questions your integrity.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, a dozen times and dumped his girlfriend of a year. She was needy and constantly needed reassurance that he was committed and loyal. He finally had enough and dumped her. She wants to try again, but her behavior doesn’t seem to be changing at all and he’s simply worn out and tired of her nonsense. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I dumped her because she was needy and constantly questioned my integrity.”

Well, this emailer has got the opposite problem of the guy who was 67 that I answered in the free Video Newsletter for today. And so you get to see both sides. You get to see what it’s like when a man behaves this way, and then you get to see what happens when a woman behaves this way. And so this guy was with her for, I guess, a little over a year. And he broke up with her because he just got sick of the constant reassurance that she needed, that he cared, that he wasn’t cheating, that he wasn’t doing anything he shouldn’t be doing.

And even though he tried to set healthy boundaries with her, she just kept doing it. She didn’t stop. Eventually, he had enough. So he broke up with her. And then he hung out recently, I guess because maybe they worked together, it looks like. But the behavior returned. She’s talking about getting back together, getting engaged, and being all serious again. And then she got all pissed off at him because he wanted to take it slow, because he wants to see that there’s an actual change in her behavior.

Because remember, people typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t change. And this particular girl obviously didn’t get enough strokes her mom and dad as a kid. And so she’s incredibly needy and neurotic and insecure and just behaves in ways that will drive anybody away. And it might not be salvageable. If it went on for a year and he kept telling her to stop and she didn’t stop, she just kept doing it. And then he broke up with her. She promised she’ll do whatever it takes to fix it.

And then right away, she goes right back to the same behavior. So I don’t have a high level of confidence that she’s going to change, or that’s very fixable. But let’s go through his email because it is a good one to learn from because, you know, typically it’s the guy that’s doing all this. Typically it’s the guy behaving like this and getting the women to the point where they don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Like the guy who was 67, dating a 57 year old woman. And, you know, I got dudes that are emailing me that are in high school that have got better game and act more masculine than that guy did.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

Been a student for years, read 3% Man a dozen times. Long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend of a bit over a year a couple weeks ago because of the amount of reassurance that she needed. It crossed over from the once in a while, “do you love me” from her to about 1 to 2 times a week being, “I don’t think you want to be with me”, coupled with an occasional, “is there someone else?” I couldn’t take it anymore because I just took a vacation with her to a location that we were both interested in moving to and I thought the fact that I went with her to this place where I paid for everything would be enough to quiet those concerns.

Well, this is the consequences of her parents doing a shitty job raising her. Of not giving enough strokes as a kid, not building her self-esteem up. And so she grew up incredibly needy and incredibly insecure. And so if you’re going to give this woman another chance, you’ve got to say, “look, you need to go talk to a therapist or somebody. You need to get over this shit, because if it doesn’t stop, there’s no way I’ll ever get back together with you again. There’s no way I’ll discuss getting married or being engaged. Is this needy, neurotic behavior and constantly accusing me of being disloyal and you questioning my integrity. That’s like, I can’t do it. It’s not going to work. So go get some help. I don’t want ever to hear this shit ever again. If you do, I’m out. I’m done. I’ll block your number and you won’t be able to get in touch with me. I’ll give you one more chance. But if you do this again, I’m gone forever.”

It did not. I cracked after another week of this following the vacation and told her I can’t be with someone who needs this level of reassurance to the point where it’s as if you’re doubting my integrity and intentions with you. It gets spicier, after the breakup (about 7 days later) we had a work trip booked together where we had the same housing accommodations. Of course we get there, sparks fly, we get there and things feel great.

As we’re leaving the trip we talk about where we stand. I said I want to rekindle things but only if we take things a bit slower and squash this behavior because it’s been present throughout the entirety of the relationship. She said okay and she’d do whatever it takes to be with me because she sees herself as my future spouse. This is where it gets hairy.

So he just gets done laying down the boundary again with her. And what happens?

We had spoken about engagement timelines before and I told her that “look, given the issues we’ve had i don’t think it’s wise to keep that timeline. I don’t think it’s fair to you or to me to jump into that at the same speed given what just happened. I want to get there and see a future with you, but I’m not there right now.”

So he’s being totally honest with her. And remember the previous sentence. What did she just say? She said “she’d do whatever it takes to be with me”, right? And immediately a couple sentences later, after he says, “I’m not ready to get engaged and we’re going to slow things down.”

The Mrs. didn’t like that, as it sparked a massive fight to where she told me I must’ve never cared about her that way and that if I’m not willing to get engaged soon then we can’t be together.

“I’ll do whatever it takes.” “Well that’s it. We can’t be together.” God, why would you want this? I don’t see it changing. You’re literally open to giving her another chance. You’ve just been on a vacation or a working vacation together. She says, she’ll do whatever it takes. And in the next sentence, she just goes bananas on you again.

I didn’t take her up on that as given we have issues to work on before that’d happen, I couldn’t commit to getting engaged a few months from now as that seems like a really stupid idea.

I agree dude, and good for you for saying no.

I want to get there eventually after we fix what’s not working.

Well, it’s really nothing you have to fix. It’s what she has to fix. She’s either going to do the work on herself to get over this needy and neurotic behavior and never do it again, or she’s not. And you can let the next guy that she dates deal with it.

But doing that soon after a breakup seems like a recipe for disaster. What do you think, Coach, did I do the right thing?

Bob

You did fucking great, dude. I’m proud of you. It’s the right thing. And Momo is proud of you too, right? Momo likes to eat her poop, don’t you? You like to eat your turds, which is really gross. You’ll take a shit and then just turn right around and go, “Mm, yummy. Scooby snack.” And start eating it. And it makes your breath stink like poop. It’s pretty gross. You’re really gross. So the moral of the story is people don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of that. And again, it’s pretty crazy for her to sit there and go, “oh, I’ll do whatever it takes. And this. Oh, you never love, you never care. We can’t be together.”

Then I’d have been like, yeah, no. If and when you hear from her next, I’d say as far as getting engaged that is off the table right now. I’m not even going to discuss that. There’s no way we’re going to discuss getting engaged until your behavior changes. Excuse me, but I’m filming a video. You’re very rude. So this is Ocean as you guys know and these are her two pups. So, like I said, I’d wait to hear from her. See what happens if she gets in touch. I would just, you know, she brings up the engagement thing, say, “The engagement is off the table. I’m open to giving you another chance. But this behavior is going to change. And if it doesn’t change, not only is the engagement off the table, but rekindling our relationship is off the table. So you’re going to have to improve your behavior permanently. And I’m not even going to commit to being exclusive with you right now. We can date, but if this shit doesn’t stop, I’m just going to block your number and I’m going to move on with my life, and you’re never going to get another chance with me again.”

But I don’t think it’s going to change. This girl needs some counseling or some therapy. And I mean to have that conversation with her and her to to say, I’ll do whatever it takes and then turn right around and blow it up like that. If I’m in Las Vegas and the bet is, am I willing to bet money that she can fix herself or that she’s going to stay the same? I’m going to bet money that she’s going to stay the same. I just don’t have any confidence. Especially after you broke up with her, you would think she’s going to be on her best behavior to try to get another chance with you, but instead she goes right back to her go to needy, neurotic behavior.

But you did the right thing Dude, I know it’s hard. It’s not fun to just break up with a girl. I’m sure she had a lot of great qualities, but that is just, I couldn’t do it. I’m surprised you lasted a whole year with her, to be honest with you. You know, when that started rearing its ugly head in the first few months of dating, I would have drawn a boundary. And if she kept violating it, then I’d have been going down the road.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.