I Dumped Her, But We’re Still Hooking Up. How Can I Move On?

Some things to consider if you dumped your girlfriend but are still hooking up.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who dumped his girlfriend of over 2 years because he said his feelings and interests changed. However, they keep hooking up and he doesn’t want to lose her as a friend. Although he says he wants someone else, he keeps sleeping with her and talks about letting her down easy. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Dumped Her, But We’re Still Hooking Up. How Can I Move On?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He’s 25 years old and he just dumped his girlfriend of over two years because he said that his feelings were not the same and his interests had changed. He says however, they keep hooking up. She calls, “I miss you.” They get together, they hook up. And he claims he doesn’t want to lose her as a friend and wants to keep her in his life.

I would say what he really wants to do is keep his foot on second base or first base while he tries to steal second base with somebody else, and worse, he’s trying to keep her as a female orbiter just in case he doesn’t find anybody better. Because it’s not fair to dump your girlfriend and then keep sleeping with her, and then tell her you want to move on and find somebody else, but you want to keep her as a friend.

The real reason he wants to keep her as a friend is he’s not completely 100% sure that finding somebody else is the right thing for him. I mean, the fact they keep getting together and there was nothing wrong with the relationship, you know, maybe he just didn’t. You know, he’s young, he probably hasn’t had enough girlfriends and dated enough women to really be at a place where he’s like, “I’m ready to settle down, I’m ready to have a family, or I’m ready to have kids”, or this is what he wants to do.

Because if you know 100% that you don’t want to be with somebody, then the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do is break it off, give them time to heal, vice versa. And maybe at some point you can be friends, but it’s not like you’re going to be hanging out every day and talking every day. I mean, even ex girlfriends that I have from years ago, we may talk a handful of times a year just to catch up and see how they’re doing or whatever.

Say hello for Mother’s Day or something like that, or a special holiday or a birthday or whatever. But you’re not going to keep an ex-girlfriend in your life and talk to her every single day, especially when you get into a relationship with somebody else because the new girl you’re in a relationship with, she ain’t going to be down for that. And so I would say that the only reason he really wants to keep her as a friend is he wants to keep her as a backup in case he doesn’t find anybody better. That’s what’s really going on.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

This is my first time writing in and just wanted to say thanks for all your amazing work. I’m 25 and although I’ve dated many beautiful women in the past, like you say in your book, I could never keep them for very long. It was always brief where we’d hookup or only have maybe up to two to three dates but no long term success. 

Ever since I started following you, I ended up in the most amazing relationship of my life, it lasted two and a half years with an amazing woman so I thank you for helping me make that change! Over time though, I have seen my tastes begin to change and I decided that although this woman is great, this was not the woman of my dreams like you talk about.

Well, the woman of your dreams is, it’s different. What I like and what you like is not going to be the same. And so that’s really in the eye of the beholder. It’s what are your goals? What are your values? Where are you in life? What is it your ultimate outcome? Do you want marriage and family? Do you just want to have girlfriends? What do you want?

Do you want to be like Elon Musk and help repopulate the earth and have 6 or 8 baby mamas? What do you really want? Or are you a traditional guy? You want to marry somebody and live happily ever after? Involve the state in your relationship like a crazy man. Whatever, I don’t judge. I’m just here to help you get what you want. But it’s important to be clear about what it is that you want.

When I met her I didn’t entirely know what I wanted, but over time I’ve realized many new wants and needs for a dream woman that unfortunately I don’t feel she meets the requirements for. I decided to end the relationship in a loving way but now I have a dilemma. Despite knowing that at this current time she’s not the one for me, I still want this person in my life as I still love and care for her, and would like to remain friends with her.

Yeah bro, that is not going to work. You friend zoning your ex-girlfriend. You don’t really want to be friends with her. You want to keep her as a backup. So quit bullshitting yourself and us.

Right now, because it’s still fresh, (only one month since the split) we keep trying to give the other space but then each of us in different situations keep slipping up.

So in other words, he broke up with her and he’s probably still going back to her as well, so whatever.

Then we end up hanging out and hooking up every time. This has happened four times now. I keep telling her I don’t want to lead her on because I feel strongly and at peace that ending the relationship was the right thing to do moving forward.

Yeah, that’s a bunch of bullshit. You can’t tell a woman that and then cave and go, “oh, I need to see you. Let’s get together and then have sex.” And then afterwards go, “oh, no, I don’t want to get back together.” That’s ridiculous.

As I unfortunately do not feel that this is the woman I should marry or have kids with as she makes a lot of bad life decisions and we don’t act as a team the way we should.

Well, maybe you should have a heart to heart with her and tell her what would need to change in order for her to be the dream woman. But maybe she just. She’s fucked and she makes too many bad choices. The right thing to do, the honorable thing to do, is to cut her off for a period of time and not speak. Maybe have 90 days where neither one of the two of you talk. But again, it’s if you’re doing the dumping, especially in this woman is always going to want to stay in touch on some level, that’s just typically what’s going to happen.

And it’s not fair to her or to you for that matter, because the longer you keep interacting with her, you claim that you want to find somebody else. But yet if every couple of weeks or when you feel like you need to bust a nut, you call her up and then you hook up. Your actions communicate you still want to stay together. You still want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she can work on these things. And maybe now that you’ve broken things off with her and will only get back together with her if certain things change.

Maybe she’s willing to do that. Maybe she’s willing to listen. Maybe you should have a heart to heart like that. Because for you to break up with a girl and then keep going back to her like this tells me that you’re not completely over it. You’re not 100% certain that you don’t want to be with her. What it does look like, though, is there’s some things that some behaviors on her part that you’re not a fan of.

And just I mean, you should just tell her, honestly, “the only way I would want to get back together and give it another chance is if this, this and this changes.” And give her the benefit of doubt. Give her some time to do that, to make those changes. And if she’s uninterested in it, the right thing to do is to cut her off completely and not keep dating her and sleeping with her. Because that’s that’s absurd. For you to break up with a girl and then go no contact.

And then a couple of days or weeks later, you reach out and then you hook up with her. No matter what you say, your actions communicate otherwise. So even the fact that you wrote this email, “oh, what do I do?” If you really were over it, you would have moved on. But maybe she can make some changes. You should have those conversations.

I also feel I have more room to grow personally and although I’m a good leader in my professional life, I can do better in my personal life as I just am super selfish and always put my work first. I’m a full time musician, and I don’t want to give her half ass effort.

So maybe partially because your purpose and your mission isn’t completely settled yet. You don’t feel safe and secure enough as a man that you can be a good boyfriend, or a good husband. Or a good significant other, or a good baby daddy. So I’d be looking at that. That’s some you got to do some reflection and some contemplation on that as well.

I am conflicted as to how to handle this situation to make it so that she is not led on but also not to lose her completely in my life so we can transition into being friends.

Dude, your interactions are sexual and romantic. They’re not platonic. That’s a fact of life. And if you really just wanted to be friends, then you should not speak for at least 90 days. Both of you go date other people. And then if at the end of that you still want to be friends, then you can discuss it. Gossip. But the reality is you’re just keeping her around because you’re really not ready to let her go. It sounds like you got some values that are in conflict with each other that need to be addressed.

Maybe she’s willing to make some changes for you. And at the same token, it sounds like you’re kind of partially breaking up with her just because your music career is not where you really want it to be. Because when guys feel stable in their career or their business, they want to be in a long term relationship. And when things are, they don’t know where their next paycheck is coming from or things are up in the air, they tend to want to have more casual type of relationships.

So it may be that he’s just sabotaging his relationship because deep down, he doesn’t feel that he measures up, or that he’s in a good place as a man to be a good boyfriend and a good teammate. And remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And so he says in his email, “I’m just super selfish and always put my work first.” So if he’s super selfish and he’s complaining about her not being a good teammate, well, you can’t be selfish if you’re in a partnership like this, in a romantic partnership.

And a romantic love story, whatever you want to call it. You go to a relationship to give. You’re there to help each other grow, to become more, to help meet each other’s needs. Because you want to, not because you feel obligated to, but you genuinely want to contribute to the happiness of another person. That’s what love is. You go there to give. Love is allowing. It kind of seems like this whole thing, this breakup, was just kind of silly to begin with.

The most recent and last time we hooked up over the weekend, I gently told her we should stay away from each other for real this time for a while so we could give each other more space so there’s more room to heal. Was this the right thing to say or do?

Well I look at what people do, not what they say. You’re saying you don’t want to be together with her, but yet you’re bitching out and you’re calling her up and you’re getting together with her. So that tells me you’re not completely over it and you’re not completely convinced breaking up with her was the right thing. It does seem that there is behavior in her that you want to change, which you it seems like you got to the point where you gave up and you didn’t think it could change.

So you and her need to have a heart to heart about that. And you also need to do some, like I said earlier, some reflection and some contemplation on whether the real reason you broke it off with her is because you don’t feel like you can handle it. Maybe, just like you said, I want to be able to give it 100%. I don’t want to give it a half assed effort. Well, what would it take to give it 100% effort? If she’s been a good girlfriend, like you said, then why are you breaking up in the first place? Because sometimes people do a breakup Just because they’re trying to modify the other person’s behavior. And that’s not always the right way to do it.

If she reaches out or tries to show up at one of my shows again or in my social circles how should I handle that?

“Hey, babe.” I’d wrap her up, give her a kiss.

Let me know your thoughts and many thanks Coach! 

Bob

So you’re either in or you’re out. It’s like you’re you can’t write me an email and then tell me you don’t want to stay together with this girl. And then yet you’re still calling her and having sex with her. So none of what you said really matters. I’m not paying attention to anything. I’m just looking at how is this guy behaving? Like I said, the two key things here are. Number one, I think he’s bitching out as a man because he doesn’t feel he measures up. Maybe because he’s a little too selfish as he says, and he should be a little softer and give to her a little bit more. So it’s like, in other words, he’s giving up prematurely.

He’s giving up because he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to be a good boyfriend in the long term. And the other thing is, there’s obviously some behavior on her part that he wants to see her change, and he’s gotten to the point where he didn’t think it was possible. But the fact they’re still hanging out, having fun and hooking up together, both of them, they’re both still physically trying to be together and are together.

So you guys need to have a powwow and work out your differences and ask good, high quality questions. If we could make this work, if you could be the girl that I’m looking for, what would that look like? What would have to change? What kind of effort would you need to see from her consistently in order to believe that it is workable? So ask some high quality questions of each other, and maybe you guys can come to a meeting of the minds. Because being in La la Land, the honeymoon period lasts 6 to 12 months. And so even if you meet another girl and you fall in love, that’s not going to last forever either.

The question is, does she have enough of the qualities that you want? Is she good to you? Is she easygoing? Easy to get along with? Does she have the same goals? Same values? Is she nice to you? Does she communicate well? I mean, we know that she’s got some things that he said she makes some bad life decisions. Were those bad life decisions? You know, is assuming they have nothing to do with being infidelity or giving out her number to other dudes or anything like that. If she does, does dumb things.

Are these things fixable if she’s willing to make the effort? And if they’re not, you shouldn’t be calling or texting her. You should just stay apart. And even if she comes up to you and you’re certain you want to move on, you’re going to be nice to her. Be friendly, but don’t take her home. Don’t allow her to come back to your place. And don’t hang out with her in a romantic sense. Maintain the no contact so you both can move on. Because neither one of you are maintaining no contact. You both are acting like you still want to be together and you love one another.

And that’s the the frustrating thing about breakups is they’re never easy. They’re never fun. Nobody goes, “oh, I can’t wait for my next breakup to come along. It’s going to be amazing. So great. Something to look forward to.” It’s never like that. It’s always unpleasant. It’s always butt hurt feelings and it’s messy and it’s not pleasant. Especially when, like in this case, she’s still showing up at his events or they’re in the same social circles. Or maybe worse, they work together. So those things are all going to happen. And so you either want to be together or you don’t.

And it looks like these guys want to be together. So why don’t you see if you can come to a meeting of the minds, and maybe she’ll make some changes and you’ll make some changes. Maybe you should stop being super selfish because you have to devote some time to your girl. You always get a date and court her, and you’re going to make her feel heard and understood. Women want to be in a love story and you cannot ever stop dating your girlfriend. So maybe you can make some changes and she can make some changes, and you guys can work it out.

Because like I said, from your actions, you still want to be together. That’s pretty clear. I know we all want to find somebody else. What he really wants to changes in her behavior. So maybe her behavior is changeable. Maybe she’s willing to change it, maybe not. And if she’s not, then you need to cut all contact. You just cannot continue on like this because you’re not creating a space for somebody new and vice versa. Neither is she. Definitely something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.