What you can do and what you should focus on to overcome challenges and limiting beliefs that are holding you back if you feel like you are a total loser, life will never get any better or that success is simply not in the cards for you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who grew up in a family whose mother was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. He feels like he is suffering from his parents’ mistakes in life. In his last year of high school, things got so bad that he felt like a total loser, a bad person and like life was not worth living. He knew something was terribly wrong, so he sought professional help and found out he had Borderline Personality Disorder. He’s been in therapy for a year and a half now.
He moved out from underneath his abusive mother’s thumb, got his own apartment and is attending college to get a business degree. However, he is filled with fear and doubt about himself and has many limiting beliefs. He constantly worries about what other people think of him. Recently, he got jerked around by the owner of a business where he was interested in working. He asks my opinion on what he can do to overcome his limiting beliefs and to feel more positive and optimistic about his life. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
It’s been a long time since I last emailed you, probably a year or so. A lot has happened since then. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and following my diagnosis, was at a total loss of motivation and hope for life. I was born in a cold and unloving environment like yourself — an environment where I was constantly filled with anxiety and fear. (Yeah, I know how it feels to always be walking on eggshells.) My mother would shout at me if I made a mistake… if I was not perfect. I remember spilling my cup accidentally when I was a young kid, and I remember my mother’s head turning around responding with fury and rage. Needless to say, I am suffering from my parents’ mistakes in my adult life now.
Last year in high school, I was determined to succeed, but gradually as I felt rejected by women and people around me, my motivation was lost. (You were trying but you were failing. You were just employing an approach that wasn’t working.) I had failed. (As long as you’re trying, you’re learning and have the opportunity to get better. Failure is really giving up.) The failure went deep inside. I felt like a bad person. I felt like a total loser. I felt like life was not worth living. (In order to be happy in life, you have to feel you’re making progress.)
I knew something was terribly wrong, and I sought help. I found a coach who deals with Borderline Personality individuals. I have been in therapy for around a half a year now, and this year I graduated from high school. I did not study a lot, but it was enough to grind by with average grades. I got accepted into Business Administration in a nice university north of Denmark. (That’s great. Your grades were good enough to get into school. Employers won’t care about your GPA. All they care about is whether you have a degree or not.) I also moved out from my mother’s place and am now living alone in a cozy two-bedroom apartment. I have regained some of my motivation for life. (You don’t have that negativity around you anymore. Being on your own will make you feel better about yourself, and you will have the ability to choose who you want in your inner circle.) I am, however, filled with insecurity, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. “What do people think of me?” I subconsciously ask myself repeatedly. (It’s essential to tune out haters, doubters and people who are too weak to follow their own goals and dreams. Surround yourself with people who encourage you.)
Today, I was casually walking around the city, when I noticed a nice restaurant. The owner was sitting outside smoking sheesha. I went inside, eyeing the young gal behind the counter. She was a student like me. At the end of our conversation, I asked her how hard it was to find a job in this city. (You should review my article and video, “How To Get Any Job You Want.”) She said it was difficult because of all of the new students, but they were searching for some people to help in the restaurant. I ordered a sheesha, sat outside, and began asking the owner some basic questions, “What do you think of the city?” “Do you recommend any sports bars?” etc. I then asked him if they were hiring anyone, and he said, “No.” I looked at him dazzled with confusion and told him that the woman in the counter had said otherwise. “She said that?” he responded, and then continued, “Well, yeah we are looking a little,” he said in his broken Danish. (You want to be with people who would celebrate having you around. You don’t want to work for somebody like that.) I replied, “Are you looking for people, or are you not looking for people?” He responded once more, “Yeah, we are looking a little. Bring your CV.” I nodded my head, thanked him for the sheesha, and I left the place. (I wouldn’t bother sending him your resume. Fuck it. He’s disqualified and doesn’t deserve to have you working there.) Negative thoughts stormed into my head. How could the gal at the counter confidently say, not once but twice, that they were looking for people, but then the owner of the restaurant respond in that manner? Again, I felt like a complete failure.
How can I stop this Corey? How can I think more positively? (Your job is to get a little better each day.) I don’t want this to hold me back again. Your help is appreciated. (Dude, either way you look at it, it’s a win. You had the balls to approach that guy. If you keep doing that, eventually you will get a job. Just try to learn from your mistakes and get a little better each day.)
My response to him:
You need to stop giving a fuck what other people think about you. Most people are not going to want to date you or be friends with you and vice versa. You need to keep searching and looking for like minded people, not look for a reason to give up at the first sign of rejection. At least you asked this guy about working for him. He obviously did not want to hire you. It is stupid to want to work for someone who does not want you around. You want people who would celebrate you, not merely tolerate you. Use these articles and videos to help you find a job:
You must become okay with failure and rejection. It is an essential part of life. You will fail more in life than you will succeed. Time and repetition is the key to mastering anything in life. Get busy and take action. You are not a failure. You took action to get a job. That is a win. Making an attempt is a win. Asking for what you want is a win. It’s all about what you decide things mean to you. You want to work at the right job and place where you are welcomed and celebrated. The same goes for the women you date. Keep searching and circulating.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Children tend to entrain with and take on the limiting beliefs, flaws and faults of their parents and family. They often spend the rest of their lives trying to overcome the imprint of their parents’ limitations and conditioning. Almost all parents want to see their children grow up to be happier, more successful and more fulfilled than they are as part their legacy. Success comes as a byproduct of many years, or even decades, of trial and error, learning from one’s mistakes and persevering even when life feels hopeless and success seems impossible. Becoming confident, competent and developing your skill in the execution of your life’s work comes from passion, time and repetition. You can either focus on living in the present moment by accomplishing what must be done right now, being productive instead of busy, or you can choose to remain stuck in place because of your past, your fears, your self-imposed limitations, worrying about the future or pointlessly caring what others think about you. You’re either moving yourself forward like winners do or making excuses and holding yourself back like failures do. The ultimate failure is not trying.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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