What you should do, what you should focus on and how you should change your mindset if you currently feel like you are worthless due to constant criticism, put-downs or verbal abuse from close family members, friends or co-workers.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose mother uses him as a verbal punching bag. She constantly projects her own self-hatred and self-loathing onto him in order to make herself feel better about the fact she is miserable. He’s twenty-three years old. He says his confidence is shot, and he usually does not believe people when they have something nice to say about him. He talks about a female co-worker of his who originally started out as a friend, but it has grown into something more. He has had women who have chased him in the past, not because he believed he was a stud and knew what to do, but because he thought he was inadequate, and did nothing. This obviously, in the beginning, caused these women to pursue and want him more until they realized he lacked confidence, and he never made a move to escalate things romantically. He asks what he can do to overcome his feeling that he is not good enough.
I’m 23-years old, and often times I feel like I’m worthless. I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal, but I often do feel like I’m not worthy of anything. I’m still living at home, I don’t have a car, or even my license, but I’m currently saving up to move out and get those things, as well as making my transition into my dream field, though I’m getting quite impatient. (You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. If you want to get out from this home environment you’re in, the only person that can do it is you.) I have a mother who isn’t supportive of me at all, and always tells me that no one would ever want me, (No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. She’s dumping her own issues onto you, but it’s not your job to fix her. It’s your job to take care of yourself and your own life.) I can’t do anything right, and she only points out my “flaws,” most of which are her flaws. Often times, she will literally go on for hours, or days, about my flaws. Even though I know what she says isn’t true, after several years of hearing that, I started to believe it, and I often feel like I’m not good for anyone. No one in the family can be around her for very long, because she reads too much into the most innocent of things and starts to accuse them of meaning something else, or she’ll just get really nasty and snappy with them.
Unfortunately, I’m constantly on eggshells around her, and I have to be careful of what I say around her out of fear that she’ll read too much into it. (That’s why you should spend as little time with her as possible.) As a result, I’ve been finding myself reading too much into things and dwelling on them, sadly, sometimes days, and I fear that it’s going to ruin my social life, if it already hasn’t. Disagreeing with her or standing up for myself usually leads to her guilt tripping me and making me feel bad for having my own voice. My confidence is virtually gone, (No it’s not. You’re just choosing not to exhibit it), and I worry too much about what people think of me. (You should see my article and video, “Why I Don’t Care What You Think.” Don’t take what other people say about you personally.) It’s so bad, that often times I’ll only catch certain buses or go places when I know there won’t be too many people. I also try to please people way too much, (You shouldn’t be seeking other people’s approval. As Stevie Wonder said, “You can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations”), and I often let people walk over me just to avoid an argument. (Just avoid those assholes all together. The more you start to love and accept yourself, the less you’ll tolerate bullshit from people like this.) I do have my days where I don’t put up with it, but for the most part, I’m a doormat, which is funny, considering that I have a pretty intimidating build. She blew off my high school graduation, and still tries to blame it on me, even though she said, “fuck your graduation, and find your own way there.” I lost my dad about ten years ago, and on the same day of his death, she told me I would be dead and a “piece of shit” just like him. I almost committed suicide that day. (Every day that you’re alive is another day you can say, fuck you asshole. I’m going to be a success.)
It’s gotten to the point where compliments from people seem unreal. I have a really hard time telling if people are being sincere with me. (Just assume they are.) I met this woman who’s 33 at my previous job, who has been nothing but genuine with me, and never gave me a reason to not trust her. We initially started out as friends, as I had no interest in her at the time, but after a few weeks of hanging out and socializing all the time, we ended up becoming a little more than friends. (She talked you into it.) Even though she always blushes when she sees me, flirts, constantly touches me, tells me how she’s never had as much fun with anyone else as she has had with me, I always start doubting and questioning myself. I’ve missed out on plenty of opportunities with women in the past who were chasing me, simply because I lacked confidence, and I kept telling myself that I wasn’t good enough.
So, Corey, I wanted to know if you could help me? Thank you for reading, and keep up the good work. (At the end of the day, the only person who can help you is yourself. Point yourself in the direction of where you want to be, and keep striving until you get there. Take your time getting there, and spend your time with positive people.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A parent’s job is to fill their child up with so much love, self-esteem, determination and self-confidence, that the negative and weak people of the world can’t have any effect on their efforts to become great and have an awesome life. Unfortunately, the world is full of weak people who have given up on themselves and their dreams. Misery really does love company. These lost and unhappy souls are so desperate to drag other people down to their level of misery and suffering to validate their own limiting beliefs and negative outlook, that they will be fierce, ruthless and relentless in projecting their own self-hatred and self-loathing on to anyone who crosses their path in order to justify and continue their unsuccessful approach to life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne