I Got Friend Zoned At Work. How Can I Get Out?

How to get out of friend zone with someone you work with.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had a female coworker express romantic interest in him. However, he was married. A short time later his wife died suddenly in a car wreck. He and his wife were homebodies and had no friends. They started hanging out and he started oversharing and making himself look weak and unattractive so she friend zoned him.

He wants her romantically, but she’s adamant about friends only. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular viewer was married and started working with a girl who developed feelings for him and she revealed them to him and he’s like, “Oh, I’m honored. This is great, but I’m married.” So he continued to work with her. They’re kind of friendly. She even asked him to hang out and he’s like, “I can’t do that.” He’s like, “I’m married. I’d love to, but I’m married.” Then just a few weeks later, the way life tends to work, tragedy struck and his wife dies in a car accident. So obviously, he’s pretty distraught. One of the things he says is that he and his wife are homebodies and they didn’t do anything. They just hung out together and that was it.

So he didn’t have any friends. You had no social life, nothing to speak of. He starts hanging out with this girl from work and basically turns her into his mommy and his therapist and starts sharing all of his childhood trauma, all this stuff, all of his warts, flaws, idiosyncrasies and problems, because of course in Hollywood, they say, “Talk about your feelings.” So he does all that, and he completely turns her off. Then she friend-zoned him, and now he’s kind of stuck in friend zone and he’s like, “Ah shit, how do I get out of it?”

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Bit of a long story, but I’ll try to keep it concise. Context matters.

I was married for nine years. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses, but I loved her. Last year I met this girl at work while I was still married. We had an instant click and when she asked if we were friends I didn’t know what to think of her intentions. I told her we couldn’t really hang out outside of work because I’m a married man and that would be time better spent with the Mrs. So we were just work buddies. Also I thought she was attractive and I didn’t want to get tempted and thought if anything I’d need to get back home and try to fix my marriage.

Five months later (March 2024) my wife died because of a car accident. We never got to say goodbye. The job me and this girl were on was about to end that month, so I lost income, my wife, was about to lose my home and my whole life just felt pointless. I got to a very dark place. Didn’t see a reason for existing.

Yeah, your whole identity just got ripped from you. One month you’re living this life, and then next thing you know, you’re out of a job, your wife passed away unexpectedly and you’re about to lose everything. Everything you knew was all about you, your wife and the family that you guys were, and now you got nothing. No job, no girl and soon to be homeless, potentially, if you don’t find another job.

I chatted with the girl through text and we grabbed lunch a couple times.

Which you should have taken her to dinner, hang out, have fun, hook up, but he used her as an emotional tampon and his therapist.

I just needed some human connection. My late wife and I were homebodies so I didn’t have any friends. Three weeks after the Mrs. died, the girl got into a car accident herself.

Well, that’s kind of jarring and unexpected.

She was fine, but her car was totaled. She texted me and was in complete panic. I asked her what she needed and I picked her up and took her through the whole insurance process, etc.

Your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Not come to her rescue like a daddy and fix all of her problems and then hug her and kiss her on the cheek. You should be giving her the meat missile. Give her the love dart. Give her your love dart. Come on!

Here is where it kinda starts getting odd: She didn’t have a car for a long time and worked from home so I basically took her out for dinner and ice cream, walks in the park, grocery shopping. Basically what you’d do with a partner.

Well, you continue to act like the gay male girlfriend.

It helped me pretend to be human again.

Well, you’ve always been human, but you should have been going for the kiss if you liked her.

During this time, obviously my life with my late wife, was a topic of discussion. I overshared, trauma dumped (On request)…

In other words, “So tell me about how you’re feeling,” because this girl has probably seen too many movies. “You got to get the man to talk about his feelings and his problems so you can bond.” It’s like all you’re doing is telling her all of the unattractive qualities you have. As the book says, which you need to read because it doesn’t sound like you have, is that your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun and hook up. If it’s not attractive, it’s not going to make you look attractive, confident and more masculine. Shut your fucking mouth and keep it to yourself.

If you got to discuss your trauma, share that with your therapist or your best friend, but in this case, we know you don’t have any friends because you didn’t really develop any kind of social life and you and your your ex-wife were basically homebodies and you guys didn’t socialize. So you got to do something to build your life back up, and you just cannot turn a girl into your therapist. That’s the quickest way to dry her pussy up. The fact he kept taking her to dinner, acting like you were going on dates but you never made a move or anything, it’s understandable you’re going through grieving, but as you said, the marriage wasn’t even that great to begin with, and now that your wife has passed on, you got this girl that was into you, and instead you just acted like buddies.

…Just being needy as fuck. I started developing very conflicted feelings for this girl. I just lost my wife. I’m keeping this from my friend, but it showed through the cracks and last week she asked me if I had any kind of feelings for her. I don’t like to lie so I told her I’d developed some romantic attraction over the course of those months.

Well, what I would have said is, “Do you have feelings for me?” It’s like, “Well, I mean, I’ve always thought you’re beautiful, but my wife just died and I’m still kind of getting over that and I’m still in shock over it. I do enjoy our time together, but I can’t promise you anything. Like we can just keep hanging out and see what happens, but you got to be patient with me and give me time.” Instead he goes, “Oh, I love you. I want to be with you. You must be my girl.”

She told me the timing was bad. When she first met me, she was interested but then she found out I was married and shut it down. Then when we started hanging out she figured we might not be compatible and that solidified “Friends.” Obviously my dumb needy behavior, but gimme a break. I just got rug pulled by the universe. She’s got feelings for some guy online whom she’s never met in person.

Yeah, because you talked and texted her out of liking you by basically telling her you’re totally undesirable, all your problems, all your flaws and all your faults. Maybe it was before you came across my work, but you just cannot behave this way with somebody that you want to have a romantic, sexual relationship with. So you basically dried her up and she didn’t want anything to do with you other than being buddies and friends because you’re driving around, you’re spending money on her, you’re taking her places, but you are too scared to make a move or do anything, but it’s also understandable if you weren’t completely over it. I mean, that’s shocking to lose your wife like that and your whole life just completely gets turned upside down in 24 hours, basically.

So he’s all mystery and I lost all mine because of oversharing and being a little bitch.

Well, at least you can admit it, because we’ve all been there, dude. I’ve done it. I mean, if you read the book, it’s like I did a lot of stupid shit when I didn’t know any better and I turned off a lot of girls I had opportunities with, but that was then. This is now.

So she asked me if I could just shut it down because she didn’t want to lose a friend (I’m her only friend that lives nearby) and SHE was the one that proposed that some distance would be good.

So probably he’s calling and texting and turned her into his mommy and therapist.

We’re still going out for my birthday on the 9th and I haven’t spoken to her for a week, which is the longest time we haven’t spoken since we met. We used to text daily, meet once or twice a week, etc. Last month I’ve been working out, eating right, reading a lot. Read your book twice…

Good fucking job!

…In the last week, trying to redefine my purpose being by myself.

You got to get to a happy place where you enjoy your time alone. Again, if you’re interested in sex and romance, vomiting your feelings and telling her about all your trauma and all your unattractive qualities is the quickest way to dry a woman up drier than the Sahara desert. Do not do that.

I’m 42 and she’s 35, but she doesn’t care about the age difference.

It’s like seven years. It’s nothing bro.

She said she thinks I’m attractive but again the timing was shit.

Well, you got to clean up all this unattractive behavior and stop calling, stop texting. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you’re hanging out with her on your birthday, what are you looking for? Is she touching your arm? Playing with her hair? You want to be fun and you want to be playful, because if she’s laughing and having a good time when you’re together, well that’s what she’s going to associate with being with you. You can’t hang out and go, “Oh, I miss my wife. My life is so bad, I feel like shit.”

You want to be positive. You want to be optimistic. You want to live in the present moment, and all you want to do is show this girl a good time, because if she’s already attracted to you and you’re having fun, you’re laughing and you’re teasing her, again she starts playing with her hair, making deep eye contact with you, touching your arm, exposing her neck. If you’re walking down the street together and she’s bumping into you, or if you’re sitting next to one another and her knees are touching yours, you can put your hand on the inside. Give it a nice little soft rub and then look over at her. Look at her eyes and then down her lips. Up into her eyes. Down at her lips again. If she looks at your lips, then just when you’re doing that, just go for the kiss. That’s the kiss test right out of the book. Makes it pretty easy. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Don’t be a fucking drag.

If she brings up your trauma or this or that, say, “You know what? Today’s my birthday. I just want to have fun. I’ve been through hell these last few months. I appreciate you listening to me, but I just want to have a good time. I don’t want to talk about all the other shit. You look hot. I want to have a good time. It’s my birthday. So here’s to you and me. Cheers!” You could even use a toast. So I got a toast I’ll share with you that I’ve known. I may have shared this in the past. “I got a toast. Cheers! Here’s to you. Here’s to me. Best friends will always be. If we should ever disagree, fuck you and here’s me,” and then drink your drink.

I’m probably gonna tell her on our “date” that I’d like to see if we could explore this in a romantic way…

Dude, you don’t talk her into it. That’s fucking stupid. “I have to have a talk with her on my birthday.” If you do that, there’s a 99% chance it’s going to end in rejection.

The formula is hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and then when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced, you make your move. That’s what you do. You don’t talk her into fucking you. You hang out, you have a good time and when you see that she’s turned on and she’s feeling attraction for you and you do the kiss test, then you make a move and you slowly escalate from there. It’s all laid out in the book for you dude, page by page. It’s very simple and you’re thinking, “I’m going to vomit my feelings” and tell her you want romance. It’s not going to end well if you do that. You should just hang back, make her laugh, let her do most of the talking, joke around with her, have a good time with her.

Don’t talk about the past, don’t talk about the ex-wife and anything you do talk about, it’s got to be a positive spin. She’s not there to be your fucking therapist to your mommy.

…And if not that we just can’t be friends because I think she’s too fucking hot and I can’t respect myself for just hanging around pretending to not be interested waiting like some needy orbiter. It would be a lie and I’d lose all self respect. Then I’ll just walk away leaving the door open to contact me if she changes her mind down the road.

Sorry it got a little long there. What do you think?

Bob

Like I said, you got a date set up. Hang out, have fun, hook up. The way you’re thinking about it, it’s like you’re thinking that you’re going to talk her into being your girlfriend or being in a relationship or being your lover. That’s not how this works, dude. All you’re looking for is the signs that she’s feeling romantic attraction when you’re on a date and when you see that you advance things physically. Simple as that.

If the signs are not there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, or seduced, you running your mouth is not going to make her start playing with her hair or touching your arm or get her pussy wet. Her having a good time, laughing, having fun with you, no stress, having three places to go just like I talk about in the book, the third one is going to be something physical, so you can interact, touch, kiss, heavy petting, “Hey, let’s get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I even got a little bit of birthday cake for us.” Hang out, have fun, hook up.

This other shit that you’re thinking about doing is not what the book teaches. You’re thinking logically. “I’m going to talk her into loving me. I’m going to talk her into sleeping with me.” No, you don’t. You’re going to hang out and show her a good time, and when you see signs that she’s romantically attracted, then you’re going to escalate physically ultimately, because what is the goal to the seduction process? To get closer and closer to a woman until you ultimately end up inside of her. It’s pretty simple.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.