I Got Friend Zoned, But It Feels Wrong To Just Disappear. What Now?

Why walking away after getting friend zoned is the best way to get her back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He met a girl at work that knocked his socks off right before she changed jobs and got her number. He clearly had no game and didn’t understand how attraction worked and didn’t get very far on their first date. He says after that he acted like a total weeny and then got the dreaded lets just be friends speech. He agreed to it. He just came across my work and realizes how badly he messed things up. However, he said it just feels wrong to disappear and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Got Friend Zoned, But It Just Feels Wrong To Just Disappear. What Now?”

Well, this particular email is from a viewer. He’s new to my work, and he says he met a girl at work that really knocked his socks off. And I guess come to find out, she was about to change jobs and go work at another company. So he got her number, made a date. You could tell he really didn’t understand how to seduce the girl because she says, “oh, I’m not going to sleep with you.”

And he’s like, I respect that. So he wasn’t aware of two steps forward, one step back. So we can’t break his balls too much. But after that, he says in his own words, he started acting like a total weenie. And then he got the dreaded let’s just be friends speech, which of course he agreed to that. And then he came across my work shortly after and realized, man, I really screwed up. And he says, it just feels kind of wrong to just disappear and go into No Contact and ask my opinion.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m brand new to your content and currently working on my first of many listens through your book. I discovered your content only a few days ago, but I’m wishing I’d run into it earlier! It definitely would have helped me be in a better position than I am now.

Well, quite frankly, most guys, if one of your closest friends would have handed you and said, “hey, here’s this Book, you need to read it.” You would have been like, “ah”, like most guys, you would have dismissed it. “Yeah, I got to get around to that. I’m gonna take care of that. But, you know, I gotta get my tennis elbow worked on. I gotta clean out my garage. I got to organize my sock drawer. I gotta pay my taxes.”

There’s always something that gets in the way. And it’s not until things go sideways like they have here. And the guy is in emotional pain that he’s actually open to doing something about it. So the way I look at it is what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way because if you hadn’t gotten burned, you probably wouldn’t have been seeking out a solution. So you’re here, right, when you’re supposed to be here.

I had a nightmarish breakup a little over a year ago. She was a manipulator and very much the dominant one in the relationship.

So he’s a little too soft. He’s a little too nice. He’s a little too compliant. And he lets women push him around because he doesn’t want to lose access to the box. And unfortunately, that’s how most guys tend to behave.

After the breakup I’d taken the time to focus on my own path. Along the way I had a handful of romantic “encounters”, but I always kept these women at arms length and kept things casual. They all had a higher level of interest in me than I did in them and so I stayed relaxed, kept my options open and never tried very hard.

Yeah, we don’t really care. And you’re not that into them. You’re pretty much going to do most things right. You’re going to set and enforce healthy boundaries. You’re not going to put up with any BS or fuckery. You’ll call her out on her crap. But if you really like the girl, you tend to be extra nice because you really don’t want to lose access to the box.

It’s pretty much how all of us kind of start out. I know I was definitely that way when I was younger, and I didn’t realize that you got to treat all women the same, especially the ones you really like. You treat them just like the ones you’re not that into. It’s hard to do because our emotions make it really hard to do the right things. That’s why reading The Book 10 to 15 times and learning it backwards and forwards and practicing it.

When you come across a girl like this, you really like you’re going to do more things right than wrong. Even though you might be feeling kind of overwhelmed by your emotions and your interests, it will help you keep your composure so you don’t blow it.

Because the more time you spend dating, interacting with, and ultimately end up in a relationship with a woman, and her behavior becomes predictable because you know The Books so well, then that fear, that fear of loss, that worry, that doubt, that stuff is eventually going to subside and you’re just not going to be worrying about whether or not she’s going to stay into you or interested in you.

Fast forward to now, I met a woman who absolutely knocked my socks off. My interest in her hit me like a sack of uranium hammers and I was entirely unprepared.

Yeah. Uranium hammers. Pretty hard hammer.

I met her at my job where we would see each other regularly. I got her number shortly before she changed jobs and asked her out to dinner, she agreed! We went on a date and the chemistry was like lightning, it was as if we’d known each other forever and I can’t say I’ve ever experienced anything like it.

Yeah, if you’re feeling that for the first time and you haven’t come across a book like mine to prepare, it’s going to be really hard to do things right. Because when a girl like this slips through your fingers, it stings. Especially when it’s the first time it’s ever happened to you.

We hung out and had fun, but we didn’t hook up. She said she didn’t want to hook up on the first date which I saw as reasonable.

So when a woman says, oh, I’m not sleeping with you on the first date, I don’t. We’re not sleeping together. A good comeback is like, “well, who said I was ready to have sex with you?” It’s like, “you got to play your cards right first, miss. But maybe later on, if you play your cards right, you might get a little kissy poo. I can’t promise anything.”

And so when women say this, they’ve said it too. So many times there’s like, the average guy. Like this dude that she says it to. And he goes, “oh, oh, oh. Your Highness. No, I’m not like that. I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m gonna keep my hands to myself.”

But Chad Thunder Cock is gonna obviously answer it the way I just would have answered it as I said a second ago. But usually most guys hear that, and they go, “well, that’s it. I’m not getting laid tonight.” And they don’t even try. And so that’s part of her seeing if she can impose her agenda on you. Now you’re never going to force yourself onto her. But if the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, she’s playing with her hair. She’s touching your arm.

She’s extra close to you. You’re going to continue to escalate things. Because what is the process of seduction? Well, it’s getting closer and closer to a woman until ultimately you end up inside of her. It’s a process. Two steps forward. If you encounter resistance and you take a step back. Because that shows that you’re in control. You’re calm. You’re never, ever going to be forceful. You’re never, ever going to make a woman feel uncomfortable because most guys, as soon as they encounter resistance, oh, you’re going too fast.

I’m not ready. I don’t sleep with a guy in the first date. All those things, you can’t let them cause you just to give up. You gotta understand that a delay is not an outright denial. It just means you’re going way too fast. And it means you need to slow down a little bit so she can feel safe and comfortable.

Because women want to know that if they pump the brakes at any time, you’ll respect it and you’ll back off. Doesn’t mean you just give up because she said she’s not sleeping with you in the first date. Typically, what it actually means when a woman says, I’m not sleeping with you tonight, it actually means I’m going to sleep with you as long as you don’t talk me out of it.

but by the end of the date she was showing a lot more of those physical signs, playful touch, twirling hair, standing closer and bumping into me.

And so when you hear something like that. Oh, we’re not going to have sex. Or we’re not going to hook up. Just give her the James Bond smirk or response, like I said a few minutes ago. It just shows that you’re not going to lose your composure. You’ve heard this before. You could take it or leave it. You’re not committed to any particular outcome. Just like if you ever see Daniel Craig and some of the James Bond movies he’s done.

And a woman’s like, there’s no way you’re getting in my pants. He’s just smiles at her and smirks at her and continues going about his evening and his plans. And eventually, of course, later that evening, she ends up in his room having sex with him. He doesn’t sit there and try to rationalize and talk her into it or explain himself or justify his interest. He just smirks.

By then it was time for me to hit the road, and I didn’t know how to read the signs yet. This wouldn’t all be so bad if I hadn’t fumbled so hard after the date. I won’t sugarcoat it, I acted like a complete and total weenie.

I pursued her and chased her way too eagerly. After about a week she hit me with the “Let’s just be friends” which I, not knowing any better, accepted (I know, come on man!)

Come on man. So just so you know, when a woman says, “let’s just be friends”, you say, “I’m down with friends with benefits.” And if she says, “well, that’s not what I mean.” I was like, “well, I’m not interested in something that’s strictly platonic, but we could be sex playmates, friends with benefits, fuck buddies.

But I’m just not going to hang out with you and be your pal. That’s not why we’re here.” But if she’s adamant, then just say, “well, you know, obviously we’re not on the same page, so I wish you all the best. Call me if you change your mind.”

This is the point where your content appeared in my YouTube feed. While watching your videos I started to understand the blunders I made and how I’d damaged the attraction that I’d started to build with this girl. Now I’m wondering how to move forward to repair the dynamic from before I started acting like a total beta. It really stings.

I know.

To fumble on a unicorn who sets you up for success.

Yeah, what happened was you talked her out of liking you, dating you, and sleeping with you and ultimately making you her boyfriend. Because you acted like a weenie. You acted soft. You were too nice, too compliant. And I would say probably if I talked to all the previous women you dated, they would tell me that they dumped you for the same reasons.

It’s been about a week and a half since I said anything to her because I don’t want to reach out now, but it also feels wrong to disappear entirely.

Yeah. This is part of your, “you want to continue being a nice guy”, but the real reason you don’t feel comfortable is you really like this girl. And you’re thinking there’s got to be something I can do. Something I can say to change her mind. And what you have to understand is, at this point, it’s like you are at the negotiating table.

You wanted sex and romance, and she’s basically saying, “hey, how about some blue balls and just friendship?” And initially you’re like, “oh, that sounds swell.” And then you agreed to it. Chad Thunder Cock is just going to be like, “yeah, I’m not down for that. We could be friends with benefits, but I’m not looking for something platonic. I got plenty of friends.”

Is it a fool’s errand to try to salvage any of this?

Bob

Well, you don’t keep chasing somebody who tries to put you or in this case, has successfully put you in friend zone. You’re going to give your romantic attention to women who are open to it, who are ready, willing, able, and open to dating you. This woman basically said she got up from the negotiating table and said, the only thing I can offer is blue balls and friendship. And initially you’re like, well, that sounds swell, I’ll take that. And then you came across my Book and you’re like, you know what? I’ve had a change of heart, and I’m not interested in blue balls and friendship.”

And so you disappear. You don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t ever reach out. Because if you continue pursuing a woman who is friend zone you, then she assumes that your actions mean, and your pursuit means that you’re totally cool with just being a friend, and no sex or romance. That’s why you’re not going to give a woman any more of your time and attention. Who puts you in friend zone you’re just going to say, “hey, well, if you ever. I’m not interested in that. I’m down for friends with benefits.”

And if she’s still adamant that friendship only just say, “yeah, I’m going to pass. You’re a great girl and everything, but I can’t just be your friend. Are you kidding me? I mean, look at you. I mean, have you ever seen yourself naked? I mean, like, I’m going to be able to hang out with you, and I’m supposed to keep my hands to myself?”

It’s like, “no. Nope. That’s like looking at porn on the internet. I just I’m not interested in that. I want a woman in person who wants to be with me.” Not that you need to say all this stuff to her, but I want you to understand the mindset and the philosophy.

And so when she’s offering you friendship and you want sex and romance, then you’re just going to recognize that there’s no deal possible. You’re just too far apart. And on top of that, she was definitely into you, it sounds like, on that first date. But, you know, she used the typical responses that most women use and you revealed your beta male tendencies. You revealed that you didn’t really have a little bit of Chad Thunder Cock in you. You were pretty green. You were a greenhorn. And she wants a man that knows what he’s doing. Because guys that behave the way you do, they never change.

They’re not going to read a book like mine again. That’s one of the reasons why it says 3%. Very few people will actually be willing to do it, even if they do have The Book. I mean, if you guys have been following me for a while, how often have you heard me break some of these balls? Because they’ve been following me for years, and they got around to reading The Book once a few years ago, and then they wonder why they’re still struggling, making the same mistakes. And so you just don’t stay engaged with a woman that is offering you something that you don’t want.

Just like in any negotiation, if you’re negotiating for a job and they’re lowballing you, then you don’t take the job. That’s why you should have multiple choices, multiple options, and let the best person win. And in the meantime, what this guy should be doing is reading The Book as many times as he can as quickly as possible, putting the audiobook on to speed, following along in a digital or physical copy, and get out there and apply this with as many women as you can, so you can see the patterns that I talk about in The Book.

Show up in your own life, because that’s what’s going to build your confidence that’s what’s going to make you realize that the stuff that’s in The Book shows up in your life.

And that gives you more confidence to apply more of what’s in The Book, so you can slowly undo all of the rejections and the negative programming and the propaganda that basically we all see all the time. So at this point, there’s nothing else to do. So he says. “It feels wrong to disappear entirely”, because that’s what it feels like to stand up for yourself.

And the problem is, you never really stood up for yourself and what you wanted when your emotions are engaged. So what you’re trying to do is override that tendency to be a nice guy and acquiesce to it. It’s like you’re not being mean. You’re not punishing her.

You’re just standing up for yourself and what you want. You want sex and romance, and you want to plow this girl’s strawberry fields. And she’s saying,” hey, how about some blue balls?” And it’s like, you don’t want blue balls, so you’re not going to engage and chase after a woman who has stuck you in friendzone.

That’s why you just the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and most importantly, mean it. And what’s going on now is you’re doubting whether you mean it. It’s as if you’re thinking, “well, be friends for a while and maybe she’ll see what a great guy I am and eventually give me a chance.”

It’s like, no, you don’t keep trying. You don’t change or try to change a woman’s mind. If she doesn’t see your value and act upon it, then hey, you’ll go give your time and attention to somebody who actually appreciates it, who’s actually interested in sex and romance.

That’s what loving and valuing yourself is. You don’t try to change somebody’s mind. You just go find somebody who’s more agreeable to what you want. That’s what standing up for yourself and your values and what you believe in is.

Because what typically happens if she assumes you’re a beta male because she’s probably come across 50, 100 dudes in her life that have already acted the way you’ve acted, and it all ends the same way they acquiesce to being in friend zone, and eventually they just kind of fade away and give up.

But most of the time, they continue to pursue for a while and hang out and spend money on her, and then eventually they realize it’s going nowhere. That’s why a man who loves and values himself, he’s just going to walk away. He’s going to go give his attention to somebody who appreciates it and reciprocates it. And right now, she’s not interested in reciprocating it. So no deal is possible. She’s going to have to arrive at this on her own.

And so what she’s doing is she’s getting to see what life is like without you in her life at all. Now she cares. Her feelings will creep back up on her and she’ll reach back out. And if she does that, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Invite her over to your place to make dinner together. If she balks at that, all the rejections and things she could possibly say to you, they’re handled in the article and video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, which is on my Website.

And so you need to read that many times and watch the video as well. So she does reach back out. You’re prepared with the responses. Because again, if she thought you were kind of weak and soft, usually it doesn’t take too much for her to intimidate a guy like you, and you just cave and you fold. And so what she has to see is that you’re not willing to cave and fold, that you’ll hang out with her in a romantic setting, or you’re not willing to hang out with her at all.

And women only care about how they feel about you. And sometimes after a few weeks or a month goes by, they’re like, “what happened to that guy?” Because guys who behave just like you do, they don’t typically go away. They don’t disappear. They keep calling, they keep texting, further cementing themselves into friend zone. And then they get stuck there and you don’t want to be stuck there. So spend the time with The Book.

Make sure you’re practicing it with other women because ideally, say she reaches out a month or two and just says, “hey, how you been? What are you up to?” If you’ve been out on several dates and you’ve been applying what’s in The Book your skills have gotten better. You’re better prepared to handle interacting with her, and if you got 2 or 3 other options, you’re going to be cockier.

You’re going to have more swagger, and you’re going to be more inclined to do things that are attractive instead of all of the unattractive things you did in the past, because behaving that way is going to be what stimulates her emotions. And women care about how they feel about you, not what a great guy you are. That’s the way it is.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.