I Got Sloppy, Over-Pursued, Cared Too Much & She Dumped Me

What to do if you got sloppy, over-pursued, cared too much & got dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24 year old guy from the UK. He met a girl while traveling who knocked his socks off. They started dating and hooking up. However, he says he got sloppy and dopey, pursued too much, cared more than she did and she dumped him after saying she needed space because he came on way too strong and got too serious too soon. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only newsletter is, “I Got Sloppy, Over-Pursued, Cared Too Much & She Dumped Me.”

So this particular email is from a viewer, 24 year old guy from the UK, he’s in the military. And he said while he was traveling, he met this girl, I guess somewhere in Europe that really knocked his socks off I guess she’s also from the UK. And so they started dating and hooking up. He says however, he basically got sloppy, kind of reverted back to his old ways, got really dopey because he really liked this girl.

He pursued too much, obviously communicated that he cared way more about her and was just too serious too soon. And he got the dreaded, “I need space” talk just because he was hanging on her every word. And so this is really a common thing. Pretty much probably every guy watching this has done at one point met a girl, was really hot, really into him, then he over pursues.

Then she gets distance. She starts fading away. He starts calling more, texting more, pursuing more, trying to fix things. And all he ends up doing was talking, texting, and chasing her right out of his life. Right?

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

May I start by saying thank you. Your books, video newsletters and attitude towards helping people is refreshing and appreciated. As I am writing this email I have recently experienced the highs and lows of dating someone who absolutely blew my socks off and have now taken the attitude of “I’m never going to fail again”.

Well, I doubt it. It’s nice to have that attitude, but failure is a part of life. Anybody that’s successful embraces failure, expects failure, looks forward to failure because of what they can learn from it and how it can help them get better.

And thus picked up your book again to read it 10-15 more times.

Well, it’s usually when somebody gets burned. And usually what happens is they read the book a bunch. They get a lot of success. Maybe they get into a relationship, maybe they’re dating and hooking up a lot, they get a nice practice squad. They think they totally get it. Then a couple of years go by and then they start dating a girl like this unexpectedly. And they like her more than anybody they’ve met in years. And because they haven’t been in the book and they’re just they go back to consuming traditional TV and movies, they basically brainwash themselves into dysfunctional archetypes again, and then they start doing and saying and the things they used to do that turn women off.

And then when they get burned, they come back and they go, “damn, I’m really going to take this serious.” So if you haven’t followed me for a while, what I notice is the most successful guys, even that have done the ten, 15, 20 times reading the book and had a lot of success, they’re still going to go through the book like once every six months just to keep it fresh. Because remember, whatever you observe, you participate in. So if you stop watching videos, stop reading the book and just start watching nothing but traditional movies, media, TV shows, you’re going to slowly, over years and months, revert back to the way you used to be, just because, again, that’s what you’re consuming. So back to our email.

For context, I am 24 from the UK, I’m in the military and love my job. I get to travel for a living and earn a wage within the top 20% of people my age and am ready to own my own home. I’m in good shape and have a great social circle. I have been following your work for many years but can recognize that along the way I have become sloppy yet continued to come back to the fundamentals and relearn what I have unlearnt.

Well, again, that’s why going back every six months to go through the book one time, to really keep it fresh is helpful. I see guys get into trouble when they’re like five, six, seven, eight, ten years since they went back to it. And then they just slowly go back to sleep. And it happens so slowly over a years that they don’t even realize it until the girls are in space or serving in with divorce papers, or moving into the guest bedroom or going into taking the kids to stay with their mother.

Two months ago I met a woman who fit the majority of my top traits I want in a woman as written in your book. She’s 29, blonde, 5’5 and has the body of a goddess. She’s professionally driven and has a good work and life ethic. We met whilst traveling abroad and hit it off immediately. We set up a date then and there, had wine and dinner together with lots of touching and ended up making out. She lives around 5hrs away from me in the UK so we immediately set up a date to meet when we return to the UK. The date went well.

So just keep in mind you’re on a date and you’re setting a date up in the future to get together again. Usually what drives a guy to do that is fear that he’s never going to see her again. So he figures. Hey. Well, I got her face to face. Let me get her to commit to a date. And then that way I’ll feel good when I don’t see and hear from her. If you do that too much, too soon, you come off as needy and clingy and fearful, and you’re going to end up with the “I need space” talk, which he will in a second. Here you’ll see.

Two days exploring a city with plenty of cocktails and mini golf which ended with Indoor Olympics. I was on cloud nine.

Translation I started to get dopey. I felt like I met my soulmate. He doesn’t say that, but he’s my as well.

I’m not afraid to admit that my approach started to get sloppy. Due to the distance, communication over text and the phone became more frequent.

So he probably spent a lot of time talking and texting on the phone, drooling over her. Talking about their future together, how much he liked her, how much he cared about her. Pedestalizing her, kissing her ass. And women don’t care about how much you liked them, or what a great guy you are, or how handsome you are. The only thing they care about is how they feel about you. And so he started focusing on his feelings towards her and how she checked all his boxes while he was completely ignoring that she wasn’t in the same place or feeling the same way.

This is overwhelming with for women and you’re going to get the, “I feel overwhelmed.” In other words, what happens is they know you’re really into them, but they’re not feeling it. And so they back off thinking, well, if I just have a little space, maybe I’ll feel differently in a few days or a week or two. It’s always better if the woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her, because when you act like this guy does, he gets dopey. He pedestalizes her. As he says he’s getting sloppy. Probably also, when he’s with her, he’s changing his opinion to match hers. He’s acting kind of squishy.

She does little things to test his strength, and he’s acting like a people pleaser and kissing her ass and changing his opinion to match hers, going along with things he doesn’t really like or he’s really not into because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. Because he’s more focused on pleasing her and getting her approval and her attention. So he’s basically acting like a girl. And when a woman picks up on that, you’re going to get a pullback. It’s just they naturally, instinctively, innately do this.

She was doing most of the pursuing, but I noticed myself drifting into pursuing more.

Yep. So here’s where the power is flipping as he likes her. He starts to pursue more. Whereas reality as the book says she should be doing most of the calling, texting, and pursuing it doesn’t typically start out that way. Usually, as you get several weeks in and their interest goes up, she starts to do that, but it sounds like she was doing most of the pursuit from the beginning, and then she started to back off when he started smothering her and he didn’t back off, he pursued more. She backed off. And then it got to the point where he noticed it.

But by this point, he’s so emotionally invested in her he would not pump the brakes. He just chose not to. He deluded himself into thinking he could get away with it, because again, he was focused on how much he liked her and his feelings towards her, while he completely ignored the fact. Now she’s backing off, she’s getting distant, she’s not pursuing as much, and so he’s trying to make up for her lack of pursuit by replacing it with him pursuing more, which is a mistake. And all that’s going to do is turn the woman off and chase her away and cause her to feel like she’s confused.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I drove up to spend a few days at her place as I was on my way through to see friends and family.

So he probably reached out to her and told her he wanted to come see her instead of waiting for her to reach out. So now he’s forcing himself into her life, creating more opportunities to get together. Instead of letting her come to him at her pace. And when it’s early on in the courtship like this, and especially I think he said she comes from a broken home. Anyways, probably got some attachment issues. So those girls, when you smother them, they’re going to stay away a lot longer than a normal, healthy girl would when you act like a beta.

This is where the cracks started to show. I found out that she has no relationship with her father or a fatherly figure in her life.

So I would say she’s probably got attachment issues, and if she feels the guy getting too close, she’s going to run away. And more than likely he  started to chase and smother her when she did that because again, if she’s saying those things, then that’s what he’s been doing.

She also had recently broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years and started to say things like “I’m not looking for anything long term”.

That’s the other thing. This is right in the in the book. If you’re dating a girl who just had a breakup, you should expect her to be squirrely. You should expect her to be hot and cold. You should expect her to be all over you one minute or for several dates, then all of a sudden to be kind of flaky and distant. Probably because the ex is trying to come back or he’s in the background. This is why it helps to have other choices and other options, so you don’t put all your eggs in one basket and smother the girl and chase her out of your life.

And “I’m not sure how this is going to work” to which I responded with “let’s just take it day by day, I enjoy seeing you and appreciate you telling me your concerns”.

Well, it’s nice that you say that, but you weren’t really congruent with the words. You didn’t really back off and so already you’re getting her going. Hey, we need to pump the brakes. This is feeling too much like a relationship. You’re way too serious about me. She just broke up with her boyfriend.

The date continued and she was all over me throughout the evening, talking about me meeting her family, how I’m her Soulmate and how she would love to travel with me. 

Well, that only applied in the moment because that’s what she was feeling then. And he probably took that as if we’re going to be together forever. I’ve won the race.

I left to see my friends and family and noticed that she started to pull back. We had arranged when I last saw her to see each-other again after the weekend.

So again, here he is. He’s with her. He’s making future dates because he’s terrified he’s never going to see her again. You cannot do that. That will turn women off. That’s why she feels smothered. Because every time you’re around her, you’re forcing her to commit to see you again in the future before she’s ready. It’s not her idea. You’re acting needy, clingy, desperate, and you’re going to get dumped 100% of the time when you do that, it’s right out of the book.

The morning I was meant to meet her, she cancelled on me last minute saying “she is overwhelmed and needs time to herself”.

There it is. It was his idea and not her idea. You must let women come to you at their pace. And he did not. And that she needs space. So you smothered her. You chased her right out of your life. Again. It seems like every time you get together with her, you’re so terrified you’ll never see her again. You’re trying to get her to commit to all these future dates. That’s what a needy, desperate guy does. Women are most attracted to confidence in men. And you are acting the opposite of confident. This is why you’re getting rejected. You don’t act like a man. You’re acting like a beta male.

And that she “needs space”. I gave her space and continued with my purpose at work and left for Europe where I would be working for the next 3months. When I arrived in Europe a week later, she reached out. We spoke on the phone for a little while. We had planned to meet in Germany for a weekend in two week’s time, so I let her know my schedule in regards to flights etc. and work arrangements.

So it sounds like they also had plans to meet in Germany, so it sounds like he’s setting up multiple get togethers in the future, and it’s trying to hold her to that instead of just letting her bring up getting together. Because when a woman cancels a date, you should wait until she brings up getting together next. But instead, he’s not doing that because he’s desperate to see her and doing exactly the same behavior that caused her to say she needed space. So again, he’s trying to get her to commit to the Germany thing. He’s still being clingy. He hasn’t changed his behavior at all. He just put the hammer down and now he’s charging ahead for even more. Needy, desperate, clingy. When the girl saying I need space.

She said, “I feel like it’s not the right thing I need at the moment”. She then said it would be better off that we part ways, that she’d love to see me again and how much she respects me but didn’t want to get hurt 3 months down the line if we continued to date.

What she’s really saying is you’re turning me off and drying me up because you’re acting like such a disgusting, weak beta male. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. And it’s right after she cancels a date on you, you’re trying to hold her feet to the fire and get her to commit to a, I guess, a second date that you had set up the last time you were together. So she canceled the first one after the fact. And now it looks like now she’s just saying let’s part ways. So he did not stop. He did not pump the brakes. He just kept moving forward. Desperate to spend time with her. These are not the actions of a confident man. These are the actions of a beta male.

The long distance stood out to her as a factor in her decision.

That doesn’t mean anything. You turned her off because you were pursued. That’s just the rational excuse that makes sense to you. Because when a woman says something like that, the guy goes, oh, it must be a long distance. No, it’s because you’re acting like a bitch. That’s the harsh reality. Even if you don’t like hearing it.

But I’m at the point in my life now where if I meet the right women who values and appreciates my time and presence.

Well, if you behave this way with the next girl, you’re going to ruin it for exactly the same reasons you ruin this one.

The distance will be nothing more than a minor inconvenience.

Again, if you act unattractive doesn’t matter if they live in your city or their long distance, you’ll get dumped for exactly the same reasons.

Especially with my job being fluid and ever changing. As with what I know from your great teachings I wished her all the very best and said to get in touch if she ever changes her mind. This one was hard, as my attraction level was very high.

We know.

I’ve never had a dating experience like this before. But if I’ve learned anything it’s that with hardship comes opportunity.

Well, the book’s not going to help you if you do the opposite. When you’re on a date with a girl and you’re making 2 or 3 dates in the future together because you’re terrified you’re never going to see her again, those dates will start getting cancelled, which is exactly what happened here. Again, this is why the book’s laid out the way it is. But if you ignore it and you do the opposite, well, then, I mean, it’s so predictable. This is obvious. This was inevitable based on your behavior.

I’m now more determined than ever to be armed and ready for the next person. Since this happened two weeks ago, I’ve read the book 4 times, 2 times per week, continuing with my purpose, traveling and keeping in good shape. 

Well, it’s good you’re getting back into the book. But again, if you keep doing the opposite of what the book says, this will happen 100% of the time. Attachment issues or not. Again, if girls got like comes from a broken home like this one does. She’s going to stay away from you longer. I would suspect at some point in the future she’ll reach out and then I would just make a date, make her come to you. Stop driving to her and jump it through your butt to please her. Make her come to you. Follow us in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Stop making dates. 2 or 3 dates in the future when you’re still on a date with her. That’s absurd.

If I hear from her again, great. But I’ll let her do the pursuing and asking to meet. If I don’t hear from her, then I look forward to meeting the next women who blows my socks off.

Thanks for your great work and help as always.

Bob

Well, like I said, at this point you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. If she reaches out, assumes she wants to see you. Invite her to meet up with you wherever you are. She must travel to you. And if she says she can’t do that or she’s too busy, just say no problem. Well, you know, it was great hearing from you. I got to run and talk to you later. Again, everything’s laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back what to do. But as you said, you were sloppy. This is what happens when you get away from the book, and you completely do the opposite of what it teaches. You’re going to predictably get dumped and rejected.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.