How to determine if you should continue dating a female friend of yours who seems to give you mixed signals of being romantically interested in you one moment, and in the next, treating you like a friend who she has no romantic interest in. How to properly read a woman’s intentions to determine if her interest is romantic or platonic.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has a female friend he has known for about five years. He’s always had a crush on her, but she was married at the time they met, and so he settled on just being friends. She got divorced a couple of years ago, and was dating other men. Recently, she became available. He asked her out for a concert one night, and she agreed. He says as the evening progressed, it seemed to turn more from a friendly gesture into a date. She was standing close to him, bumping into him, touching him, etc. She even invited him up to her apartment at the end of the night. However, once they got upstairs, she started doing things around the house.
Due to a running joke that they had between them, he dared her to show him her tits. She did. He ended up leaving without a kiss or even a hug. She also never walked him to the door. They had a second date a week later and there was some physical touching, but again, she got up and busied herself doing things around her house. Her best friend has told him that she wants him inside of her, so he wonders why she acts the way she does when they’re together. He asks me to decipher her mixed signals, and what he should do the next time he goes out with her to determine if she really has romantic interest, or if he should just move on.
I’m writing because I’m having a really difficult time reading a woman, big surprise right? I’ve known her for about five years, and always had a crush on her, but she was married, so I settled with being friends. No big deal. She divorced a couple years back and was dating other men, and she recently became available. I asked her to join me to a concert just before Christmas, more as a friendly gesture. (That’s part of the problem. Your intent was a friendly gesture, but the reality is, you had a crush on her all along.) She agreed, and we went and had a great time. As the evening progressed, it seemed to turn more and more into a date. She was touching me, staying close, bumping into me, etc. Her attraction level seemed in the 6-7 range based on the chart in your book. (All the signs were there, but you were dithering and hesitating.) She invited me up to her apartment at the end of the evening, and then flipped the script once I was inside. She was a busy body all over the house, and when she did stop to talk, she intentionally sat on the other end of the couch. We had this running joke or even a bet, if you will, that I’d get her to show me her tits one day. That night she did. I ended up leaving without a kiss or even a hug. (You’re waiting around for her to be the man and give you permission.) She didn’t even walk me to the door.
She texted me the very next day. (She can tell you’re into her but, she doesn’t want to make the first move.) She had heard some music from the concert the night before, and texted me to tell me about it. (She’s reaching out because she wants to see you again. She’s putting herself into your orbit in hopes you’ll make a date.) I still waited an additional two days beyond that to ask her out again. When I did, she agreed. The date was set for a full week later due to both our schedules. That date was tonight. All we did was go to dinner, to which AGAIN, she invited me up to her apartment. Dinner was great. We laughed and joked. I treated her like a brat 10% of the time, joked, and bantered, etc. This time, I’m getting really nothing as far as signals go. (You hesitated for so long, that now she’s starting to make up her mind about you.) When we get back to her place, at no point did she get really close or make contact. I did get a back rub out of her, but as soon as she was done, she hopped up and did the busy body bit some more doing crap in the kitchen and switched out the shower head in her bathroom, wtf? We did end up talking on the couch for about an hour, but again her body language was facing away from me, not towards me seeking attention. Again I left without any real intimate contact.
I figure no matter who’s screwing up, me or her, I probably only have one more chance, if that, to make a move. I’ll wait a few days and ask her out again like you suggest, but isn’t “Do you want to come upstairs?” the universal code for, “Hey…lets get physical?” (Yes, but where did you exhibit strength as the man? You’ve got to be the one willing to take the risk.) Why was she inviting me up and then totally turning the signals off? Bouncing around the house instead of trying to get closer? (The guy is supposed to have confidence and go for what he wants.) All the while, mind you, I’ve got her best friend telling me that she’s straight up saying she wants me inside her. I’m so confused man. Is she just waiting for me to make a move, and I need to quit being a big pussy? (Yes.) If she wants me to make a move, why wouldn’t she send out stronger signals once I’m actually IN HER HOME? It makes no sense. Is she just brutally testing me to see if I’ll just jump her bones without getting any real signals to see if I have a sack? (Yes. She can’t do everything. Sex has to be the man’s fault.) I’m lost here man. Please help. Your book is awesome. I’ve read it 3 of the 10-15 times so far. (At this point, do nothing. Wait to hear from her, and when she reaches out, make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up at your place.)
My response to him:
The biggest obstacle you are working against is the fact you’ve been friends with this woman for years and have always acted like the platonic friend. It’s not easy to move out of friends zone and into lover zone after so many years. When I read through your email, your problem is you’re waiting around for her to tell you what to do, when to make a move, basically how to be a man. As I discuss in my book, if the kiss has not happened, then go for one at the end of the date. Instead, you waited around for her to give you permission.
The next time you are on a date with her, you need to go for a kiss and escalate things physically like I discuss in my book. It’s obvious you are letting your fears get the best of you and cause you to hold back. You can simply say to her when you are with her next time, “I think you need to get it over with and kiss me right now.” If she’s not receptive to that, I would leave and tell her you’re not interested in being platonic friends any longer. Start dating other women, and improving your skills.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s a man’s job to be bold, confident, direct, decisive and make a move physically to escalate a seduction when a woman displays her interest in, or her openness to being touched and kissed. Women typically will play with their hair, stand or sit too close to you so they’re physically touching you, look at your lips, touch your arm or body with their hand, lean towards you, etc., to communicate their sexual interest and openness to you escalating things physically so you can seduce them successfully. If a man hesitates and dithers continuously on a date or over the course of several dates, when a woman is exhibiting these physical invitations, she will quickly decide that he either lacks confidence, is gay, doesn’t know what to do, or that he simply has no interest. Once she makes that determination, her attraction level will drop to the point that she either loses all romantic interest in him, loses respect for him, friend-zones him or rules him out permanently as a potential lover.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne