I Know The Truth, But My Wife Denies Having An Affair & Lies To My Face

What it means and what you should do if you find your wife having an affair but she still lies about it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who found out his wife has been having an affair behind his back with another man for the past year. Despite the evidence in her phone, people seeing her on dates with the other guy and catching her in many lies, she continues to lie and deny the affair to his face.

He has started divorce proceedings and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy has two kids with his wife, and he says about a year ago he started noticing something a little funky with her behavior. There was a guy who is, “Just a friend. You don’t have to worry about him,” as many dishonest women tend to say. So it proceeds over the past year that he’s caught her in multiple lies. She denies everything. Then he goes to her phone, finds out there’s a lot more going on than she admits to. Even one of their mutual friends sees her, in essence, out on a date with this other guy. So he’s got all this evidence, he’s been through her phone and he’s like, “Hey, if you keep going down this road, I’m going to leave you,” and of course, she just maintains, “None of it is true. He’s just imagining things.” She continues to gaslight him. On top of that, she’s got some friends that are encouraging her to leave her husband and get divorced, probably because they’re in unhappy relationships or maybe they’re single as well.

This is the interesting thing. People that are in relationships, they want everybody else to be in relationships. People that are single tend to want other people to be single. In this case, this woman is married, they both have kids together, and her single girlfriends are basically, “Oh yeah, you should go be single. Life will be so much better without that horrible husband of yours.” In other words, misery loves company. What really happens is that if we can get other people to conform to our worldview, or get them to make the same relationship choices that they’ve made, good or bad, then we feel better about our own choices. In other words, we seek validation in our life choices through other people. So this woman’s got friends around her that are encouraging her to destroy her marriage, cheat on her husband and go live the single life and YOLO it. So he’s got all this evidence. He’s recently gone and talked to a divorce attorney and he’s let her know. He goes through detail on what’s happened and kind of the slow progression of things over the last year, and he asks my opinion. On top of that, she’s bad mouthing him to members of his own family. It’s just an unfortunate situation.

Character is destiny. You got to look at who the person surrounds himself with, what their actions are when you’re dating, when you’re in the vetting process. I mean, years ago, I always thought that this stuff was kind of common sense. I wrote a lot about my experience and learning this stuff in Mastering Yourself and confiding in people that I thought were friends, when it turns out they weren’t really friends. You can notice patterns on behavior. When we care about somebody, we tend to blind ourselves to it. I had a guy that was the best man in my wedding when I got married in my 20s. I thought he was my best friend. Meanwhile, when I wasn’t around, he was always either talking shit or doing underhanded things, trying to bang my wife or hitting on girls. I knew and he just wasn’t a good dude. The interesting thing was, even my parents, when we were teenagers, were like, “I don’t like that guy. He’s not a good influence.” I was like, “You guys don’t know him like I do. We have so much fun together. It’s a good time.” It was a long road for me to recognize it after somebody continues to screw you over. This was also a guy who I lent money to, this was the same dude that wrecked my Lotus literally the second day I had it. When you see patterns over and over, at some point, if you keep putting up with it, then it’s your fault because no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. If you keep people of low character in your life, you’re going to attract other low character people and they’re going to dick you down. They’re going to do you dirty.

Unfortunately, this guy is pretty far down the road. He’s married, they have two kids, and it’s clear her behavior is not going to change. She is on a one way road to sabotaging her marriage and her relationship to be with some other guy, and all the while bamboozling or trying to bamboozle her husband and he’s been giving her the benefit of the doubt. It’s like Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So these are things that are hard lessons as a human being to learn, especially when you care about people, whether it’s a close friend or somebody you’re dating or a significant other.

Character is destiny. People that do ratchet things typically tend to keep doing those things. They may become better at hiding them, but at the end of the day, a low character person is going to behave and do low character things. It’s like guys are a white knight and wife up a stripper or a hoe, and then they’re shocked that she does hoe things to them or she cheats on them. You’re not going to fix somebody’s bad character or undo somebody’s bad parenting job, especially a father who didn’t do a good job or wasn’t there. You just got to see reality as it is. Typically what happens for those of you that are very familiar with Mastering Yourself, when you get burned enough, you finally start to recognize, “OK.” This is something we all have to go through. We all have to learn because whether it’s a business partner, a friend, somebody you’re dating or a client, character tends to be destiny.

I was talking to a guy a couple of weeks ago that had been with his wife for a long time, and initially when they got together, they went into business with the man that had raised her. The man that had raised her had lied to and had cheated on his wife, and vice versa. So she came from a family where both parents were disloyal and cheated on each other. Then they went into business with this guy and he stole a bunch of money from him. I’ve seen these kinds of things over and over.

Look at Billy Joel. He hired his father-in-law from his first marriage to be his business manager, and when he was in the early 90s, you could watch VH1’s Behind the Music, he put his former father-in-law as his business manager because he’s like, “Hey, this is family.” It came out, I don’t know, it was mid 90s. This is like after Billy Joel had all of his hits, made all of his money in the early mid 70s, early 80s, where he made millions and millions of dollars. He’s like, “I’m set for life. This is great. My kids and family are going to be taken care of no matter what happens to me.” Then he was using a credit card of his or something one time, and it got declined. He was like, “That’s kind of weird.” Then as he started kind of looking into it, the bank account that it was tied to was empty. He started going through his banks and his safety deposit boxes. He’d go in there and of all the cash and stuff that he thought was in there, there’s all these IOUs from his father-in-law, and his ex father-in-law had just basically pissed away and spent all of his money and lost it on bad business deals and spending it. So he gets to a point in his life where he should be slowing down when he’s in his 50s, and come to find out, he’s completely broke and bankrupt, in essence. So he had to work twice as hard to go back out on the road and to tour and perform. Obviously he fired his ex father-in-law. “You got to trust, but verify,” like Ronald Reagan said.

I’ve just seen the same pattern over and over and over again. When you see somebody of low character, like talking about my client, and then his significant other, he finds out she’s cheating on him and has been for a while, and he’s discussing whether or not this is something that can be saved. It’s like, “OK, tell me about her family,” then they’d gone into business or done some business deals with this guy and he ripped them off. It’s like somebody will steal from their own kids, their own family, cheats on their significant other, and then she cheats on you? That shouldn’t be surprising, that should be obvious, but when you’re in love and you’re young, it’s like a movie. “We’re going to live happily ever after.” That’s just not how things work in the real world.

So this is yet another guy that is married to a woman, they got a couple of kids together and she’s been cheating on him for the the past year, and his spidey senses were telling him that this woman is not a good person. She’s doing something shady. He continues to pull on the ball of yarn, if you will, peels the layers of the onion and there’s just lies upon lies upon lies. The bottom line is, she’s stone cold busted, yet she just absolutely lies and denies like a politician. So he’s like, “Here’s my situation. What do I do?”

Again, we got to remember, character is destiny. You’re not going to fix somebody whose family did a shitty job. Like I said, Billy Joel learned the hard way. Probably tens of millions, $100 million, I don’t know how much his ex father-in-law ripped him off for, but he just trusted him. He blindly trusted him, didn’t bother looking at his bank statements, didn’t bother to verify everything. He just trusted that it was all being handled. Then he gets into his 50s and he’s completely broke. On top of that, I think he owed a bunch of creditors money. So that’s a horrible thing to find out from somebody that had been in your life for decades and thought was looking out for you, you treat them like family, and all of a sudden they completely rob you blind.

Unfortunately, there’s lots of people out in the world that are like this, so we have to become good at identifying them and booting them out of our life. If you just put up with it, then you’re giving them permission to continue to do it. The only thing that really corrects this behavior is being ostracized by everybody, or maybe in some cases, they end up in jail for the things that they’re doing, especially when they’re embezzling and doing other things like that. Karma comes for all. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Whatever you tolerate you’re going to invite more of.

So with all that long explanation in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Good morning Coach,

My name is Bob and I am reaching out for your input on my current situation.

My wife has been speaking to an individual behind my back for the past year. When I first confronted her, she gave me the typical he was “Just a friend,” and brought up us needing space.

So when a woman says, especially in a situation like this, she needs space, what she really is saying is, “Hey, leave me alone. I want to be a free agent. I want to act like I’m single and I want to do what I want to do.” She’s basically saying she’s not going to work on the marriage at that point, obviously because the guy who is, “Just a friend,” is more than just a friend, but she’s expecting you to buy her load of bullshit. If a new guy comes into her life and she’s like, “Oh, he’s just a friend, you don’t have to worry about him, but I want some space. I want to go out and do things, and you can’t say. Don’t be insecure and tell me, ‘I can’t do this. I can’t do that. I can’t wear skimpy outfits and go clubbing with my girlfriends.'” That kind of stuff. If you’re in a marriage and in a relationship, if you’re going to go clubbing, you’re in love and you have a good relationship, you’re going to want your significant other to go with you. If they don’t want to go, then you’re going to do what they want to do. That’s typically how it works.

If you’re not happy and you don’t want to be with that person, then you’re going to want to go, like in this case, the girl is going to want to go out and act like a single girl and get to a place, especially like this person, because this is obviously a low character woman. A high character woman is just going to leave when she’s not happy. A low character woman is going to say he’s just a friend and expect you to buy her bullshit, and as the evidence continues to pile up, she’s just going to lie about it. Then when she feels ready, when things look really good with the next guy she’s going to be with, that’s when she leaves you and goes, “Oh, it just kind of happened. Oops, he ended up inside me.” Character is destiny.

I responded that if she continues down this path there is no future for us due to the fact I wasn’t going behind her back and speaking to a member of the opposite sex in such a manner.

Yeah, exactly! There’s got to be mutual respect. What she’s basically communicating is she’s not going to work on the marriage. She’s going to basically try to bullshit you into believing her story so she can continue to go create a relationship with somebody else. Then when it looks like it’s going to work out, that’s when she drops the bomb on you. Again, this is how low character people operate. Just like my former best friend. When I was in the process of splitting up with my wife, I was confiding in him, getting his advice and telling him these things because I was really torn up about it. I think my best friend is just listening to me. In reality, what he’s really thinking, the way his mind worked, honestly my mom and dad spotted it when we were teenagers, the way he’s thinking is, “Oh, how can I use this to my advantage? Now I got all this Intel on Corey and what he’s really feeling about his wife, and now I’ll go share it with his wife and ingratiate myself to her because I told her inside information. Then when Corey’s out of the way, I can slide in there and and beat up her pelvis,” instead of coming to me like a dude who’s got some integrity after the fact and say, “Hey, would it be all right? Would you mind if I went out on a date with your ex-wife?” I would have respected that more, but instead he did it in a completely underhanded way, because he’s a worm. That’s how they operate.

The situation had left me conflicted so I chose to verify whether she was really truthful in the excuses she gave me for this friend. I found out they were just lies. I also discovered she was being influenced by friends…

Eemember, you are who you associate with.

…Who believe being a single mother with two children is better than being in a relationship where you can’t do whatever you want.

Again, probably these women that are the influencing her have probably wrecked their marriages or their relationships and they want additional people to validate their life choices, and your wife tends to be a person they’ve selected to help validate their life choices. So they’re trying to win her over to their way of thinking and being. If your wife is a low character person, which it sure looks like she is here based on the evidence you’ve shared, it’s not your fault that she’s this way. This is what her parents did. Her parents did a shitty job of raising her, especially her dad.

I chose to withdraw and give her the space she wanted and keeps things cordial for our children.

There are two sides to every story, and I have tried to acknowledge my faults to my wife to amend things.

Again, you’re obviously going to make mistakes and have made mistakes that have caused her to lose attraction, but the fact that she’s just going out and lining up another dude behind your back and you finding out about it, and her just going, “Oh he’s just a friend. You don’t have to worry about that?” I mean, it’s true when she tells you that at the time, but she could have sex with him the next day and then just go, “Oh well, it just happened.” She’s putting herself in the situation to invite sexual attention from another dude, so the technicality in her mind is that she’s not really lying.

I discovered through my in-laws she is completely bad mouthing me to her family and denies having any fault or this individual coming into the picture. She was just recently seen with him and when confronted continued to lie and deny the affair.

So she’s embarrassing herself, she’s embarrassing you, and now you got mutual friends going, “Oh yeah, I saw Bob’s wife out with some other dude. She was hanging out with Chad Thundercock.” So she’s once again busted, people have seen her out. This is the height of gaslighting. You’ve got people that have actual evidence, you got the evidence of what you’ve seen in the phone, yet she’s still is looking at you right in the eye and lying to your face. Again, she sounds like a typical politician. The most cold blooded, heartless, lying ass scumbags that the Earth has ever seen.

She was recently spotted alone with this man in public by a mutual friend of ours. I brought it up and she continued to lie.

So you got multiple people seeing her out with this dude. Again, a woman who comes from a good family, who’s loyal, she ain’t going to go out on dates with other dudes. She’s not going to go to happy hours with her boss one-on-one, she’s not going to be going to dinner at 8:00 or 9:00 at night with her boss. A family oriented girl is just not going to do those things. She’s not going to be in that situation. A woman of low character, a chick that belongs to the streets, is just going to do this to line up everything in her favor. Then when everything looks like it’s good, then she’s going to dip.

Being done, I starting filing for divorce and let her know.

That was a fuck up on your part because I wouldn’t have let her know. When I talk to guys that are in these situations where they found out that their wife is cheating or their girlfriend is cheating, the first thing you need to do is when the bank opens tomorrow morning, you need to be there and you need to take the majority of your money out of that particular bank account, and then open a different bank account where you’re the only signatory on it. You’re able to do those things. You could open it in another bank or even at the same bank, because if she’s not on that bank account, she has no access to the money because it’s pretty common for guys to think, “Oh, I got such a great wife,” or “Everything is so wonderful,” and they just leave the accounts there. Then what happens is she goes and empties the accounts, takes all the money and then opens up her own bank account, which you don’t have access to. Now you’ve got no cash, now you’ve got no assets. Like Sun Tzu so famously said, “Conceal your plans from the enemy. Then when everything is ready, fall like a thunderbolt.” That’s what you should do.

So if you’re in a situation where you know for sure you’re leaving and divorcing your wife, you need to talk to an attorney in your country and your city that can advise you of what the laws are, and what the best way to go about it is. First and foremost, you’ve got to get control of your cash. I only know what things are like in Florida. I got clients all over the world. We’re dealing with different cultures, different laws. Everything is different. Again, that’s why you need to seek legal counsel in your country and your state and your city that’s aware of the local laws that apply to you in these situations so you can plan things out, so when you fall like a thunderbolt, she’s overwhelmed and you don’t get bamboozled because at the end of the day, she’s the one that’s doing all this shady shit and completely lying to you, and you’re just not going to fix that. You’re not going to make her into an honest woman, because the people that she associates with are obviously liars and dirt-bags, and she’s associating with a guy that has no problem banging your wife.

You’re already divorcing her. You got to be smart. You got to maintain operational security. I would not be telling her all these things because you’re just making it more difficult on yourself and the divorce proceedings, and you’re giving up valuable leverage that you should not be. If this woman is lying to your face about everything like she is, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. I would make sure you move your money and your stocks or whatever you got that she has access to into different accounts, different banks, different brokerage accounts, different companies so she has no legal access to them, because if you leave the stuff there, she’ll feel entitled to it and she’ll just go and take it.

I just don’t know who my wife is at this point and left out a lot of other details but believed this to the main points.

Would really appreciate your input and thank you for your work. Coach. You are truly inspiring.

Bob

Unfortunately, you’re not going to fix her. You’re not going to change her. You got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is. You’ve tried to see it as better than it is, you’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt for the past year, and she just continues to lie to your face. It just means she’s a low character person and there’s nothing you can do about that. What you really need to do though, is once you do leave and you do end this relationship, is you got to make sure it’s clear to your children that she’s the one that decided to go outside the marriage and break up the family, because then she’ll have to be the one to explain that.

I mean, you could go and start applying what’s in the book and re-attract her, but a year, two years, three years from now, when you slip up again, you get complacent and you don’t pay attention when she’s complaining that you don’t do anything, she’s just going to behave the same way. Probably she’ll call this guy again or another guy and do the same thing all over. You have to decide whether or not this is something that you’d want to put up with, and most guys don’t want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of their lives. That’s the way she is.

What your kids need is your kids need to see you happy and in love with a woman who actually has the right family values or similar family values that you have, because it’s clear you don’t share the same value system with your wife. She’s dishonest. So the best thing you can do for your kids and for yourself is to present them with a good example, because when they get old enough, especially when they get to be teenagers, they’re going to find out that their mother is just a lying, cheating hoe-bag. Then when that happens, they’re going to discount what she says, and they’re going to be the ones listening to you and following you. By the time that comes around, you’ll be leading by example. You’ll have a good marriage or a good relationship with somebody of good and high character that is just not going to behave the way this is, and they’re going to, for the most part, not really take anything that the mom says seriously because quite frankly, they shouldn’t. If you stay and you put up with it, then this is what your wife is going to teach your kids to be like. Then your kids are going to grow up and model the same behavior that your wife has shown them.

I feel bad for you and and what’s happened, but you’re doing the right things by talking to a divorce attorney. I wouldn’t have said anything to her first until you get all your paperwork, your ducks in a row, you’re ready to file and fall like a thunderbolt on her. Don’t give her any unnecessary leverage, because if she’s willing to lie to your face, when the divorce happens, it’s like all bets are off. She’ll be absolutely ruthless, so you might as well head it off ahead of time.

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