I Like The Girl I’m Seeing, But I’m Not Ready To Be Exclusive Or Settle Down. What Should I Do?

Some things to consider if you’re not wanting to be exclusive or settle down.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s read 3% Man, several times and is just getting back into dating. He’s been dating a girl for about 10 dates. However, she’s asking where does he see it going. He doesn’t want to be exclusive and doesn’t want to settle down yet, but is worried about how she will feel about this and what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Like The Girl I’m Seeing, But I’m Not Ready To Be Exclusive Or Settle Down. What Should I Do?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy, he’s read 3% Man several times and he says he’s just getting back into dating. And so he’s been seeing a girl. They’ve been out for about ten dates, so probably about two months or so. He’s been seeing her, but she’s already kind of starting to hint at like, “Hey, where do you see this going?” But he’s just not feeling like he wants to be exclusive or settle down yet. He’s kind of worried about this because she’s already hinting at it. So he’s kind of torn. He’s like, he’s not like, “Yeah, I want to be exclusive with her.”

But he wants to continue seeing her, hanging out, having fun, hooking up. So it’s really important that if you’re not ready to be in a relationship that you shouldn’t agree to it just to keep the girl around. Or worse, lie to her that you are exclusive with her when you’re not. If you don’t want to be exclusive, you shouldn’t agree to be exclusive. And if a girl is really trying to lock you down and you’re not feeling it, just tell her that. Just be like, “I like you a lot and I like hanging out, but I’m just not feeling it. I’m not ready to be exclusive with you. I still want to kind of date.”

You know, maybe this guy had a breakup recently, and so he’s kind of just getting back into it. So if you’re just out of a long term relationship, you’re just like, “yeah, I just got out of a relationship of a couple of years. I want to take my time and I’m in no rush. And, you know, I’ll understand if that doesn’t work for you or that doesn’t work with your time schedule. But that’s where I’m at. I just I can’t commit right now. I’m just not ready. It’s too soon. Too soon after my breakup.”

And some girls you’re going to lose if they know you’re dating other women after a couple, 2 or 3 months, and they want you all to themselves. You may lose some of them. I should say you should expect that you will lose some of them, that they’re just not going to stick around for that, which is fine. But the worst thing you can do is commit to somebody when you just don’t want to. It’s a bad way to go. Because if you’re not really that into it, when you’re in the relationship, you won’t make the effort that you need to to make it a really great relationship.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve read your book multiple times and as I’ve been getting back into dating, I’ve realized I still have a lot to figure out.

It’s okay. Take your time. You’re the man. You’re the one with the penis. You’re the leader. You get to decide yay or nay on a relationship or a commitment or not.

I met a girl about two months ago and we’ve gone on over 10 dates. We’re not officially together but we’ve been consistently seeing each other and things have progressed physically.

Does that mean he’s actually sleeping with her, or does that mean he’s fooling around with her but hasn’t gone all the way yet? It’s kind of tough to tell.

She’s independent, really sweet very pretty, and we have great chemistry. She recently told me she really likes me and isn’t seeing anyone else, and I know she wants me to feel the same way. At first, I wasn’t too focused on long-term potential. I was just enjoying our time together. But over time, I started noticing some differences. She comes from a conservative Christian family but has adopted more progressive views after living in Los Angeles for a few years.

So she’s got the woke mind virus. So the other thing you have to consider if you’re going to be in a long term relationship, you want somebody that has similar goals, similar values. And from a value perspective, if she’s kind of a loony leftist, you know, let’s continue on and you’re more conservative, i mean, you’re going to clash over those things. Especially this day and age. Hopefully in the coming years they’ll chill out. But when I look at the mainstream media, they’re just still full on woke lunacy and idiocy. And Trump’s a fascist.

You know, we’re losing democracy. It’s they’re just constantly fucking hyperventilating. It’s absurd. You know, like when I go and I look through the mainstream media because it shows up in my feed on my computer. Plus, I see it on Twitter. It’s just I saw the Joy Reid of MSNBC. They just fired her or they canceled her show because nobody watches it. And, you know, those are good things because people are tuning out. Because they don’t buy the shit.

But the Democrat politicians and a lot of people on the left, it’s, “Oh, we’re losing democracy.” You know, they’re just freaking out over it. And me personally, if you want a girl, it’s easy going, easy to get along with. Your life’s a drama free zone. You’re just not going to want to deal with a chick that’s coming to you with the woke stupidity. So there’s that. You can’t just sweep that under the rug.

She’s very liberal in her beliefs, into feminism, gender equality, and all that, whereas I lean more conservative. She also has some different lifestyle choices, like a lip piercing.

I think that’s incredibly lip piercings and nose piercings. I think a nose piercing, like, you know, the one on the bottom there, like you see on a bull. It’s like, I think it’s disgusting. Maybe a little diamond in the nose. But even that, when you see the post sticking out, it looks like the girl’s got a booger in her fucking nose. It’s kind of gross. Not a fan of them, not a fan of them. Ear piercings are fine, but when she’s piercing up her lips and her cheeks and her nose and all kinds of weird shit, it’s like, I’ll pass on that. But besides, you’re trying to make out with a girl and you get the lip piercing or tongue piercings or I’m not a fan of those either.

Which isn’t a deal breaker but isn’t something I would typically go for.

If you’re the prize and you’re the catch. And she’s got crazy political views, and if she wants you to be exclusive, you can just say, “I like you and I like dating you, but you got some wacky political views that I’m just not down with, and I just don’t see myself raising kids with somebody that has the views that you have. But I like hanging out with you. I’m open to see where it goes. But right now, if you’re trying to get me to say yay or nay, I’m going to say nay to being exclusive. But we can continue to date and hang out and hook up. I would want to see if long term, it’s like you’d have to moderate some of those beliefs, because some of the things you believe are just kind of wacky and over the line. I’m just not down with.”

A few dates ago, she asked where I see things going. I told her I like her but was taking things slow, especially since she has big travel plans this summer.

Yeah, she’s not even going to be around. You can throw that back in her face. You can say, “Well, you’re gonna be gone all summer. I don’t want to be committed to a woman that’s traveling all over the place, and I’m not going to see her. And we just started dating.” If you’re the prize and you’re the catch, you should lay things out. It’s kind of like setting boundaries. You’re telling her the things that you’re into that you want to see for a girlfriend. And if she’s got all these wacky political beliefs and she’s going to be traveling most of the summer, it’s like, why would you want to commit to that? You’re not like, “hell yeah, I’d love to have you as my girlfriend.” You’re like, “hey, I like things the way they are, but I’m not ready to commit.”

She admitted she feels a strong connection too but sensed I was hesitant. That conversation stuck with me. I thought spending more time with her would help me get clarity, but I still find myself questioning if we’re actually a long-term match.

And you can tell her that. it’s like, again, you know, the thing about the political beliefs, I wouldn’t bring it up unless she’s trying to pressure you for a commitment.

A friend recently asked if I like her or just the idea of her, and it made me think. I’ve had casual flings and one-night stands that didn’t mean much. At the same time, I keep having doubts. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things, if I’m hesitant to commit because I haven’t seriously dated in years, or if deep down I know something is off.

Well, I’d say it’s all the above. As the old saying goes, “One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three is a proper choice.” You need more women in your practice squad. She’s going to be gone this summer for a lot of months, and if I were you, I would just get some other women in your practice squad, get a little rotation going on. And if she complains that you don’t want to get serious with her, just tell her why.

“Number one, you’re going to be gone all summer. Number two, I mean, I don’t think our we share the same values politically. And, you know, if you’re into a lot of the woke mind virus stuff. I’m definitely not going to want to get serious with that because it’s just, you know, we’re going to clash too much. I want a woman that’s got traditional values and see things and sees things the way I do. But we can continue today. We can continue to hook up. You know, I’m having a lot of fun. I just want to take my time. I just can’t be exclusive. I’m just not ready.” And make sure you practice safe sex as well.

I thought I was ready to settle down, but maybe I need to date more before I jump into something serious.

You absolutely need to date more.

Right now, I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Do I send her a text and be upfront?

No. You don’t need to do anything. If you’re the prize, you’re the catch. I mean, as The Book says, what is your job in the courtship? Create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. It’s the woman’s job to lock you down into a relationship. And so she brings it up and wants to press you to be exclusive with her. Tell her just be honest with her why you don’t want to. Just say, “I’m taking my time. I just got back into dating. You know, after my breakup a couple of years ago, I took time to heal, and I just want to take my time. And plus, you’re going to be gone all summer, and you got some wacky political beliefs that, you know, it really makes me question if we’re a good long term match.”

And if she brings it all at once, so then just tell her. The feminism thing. Donald Trump’s a fascist. It’s like, you know, that’s just kind of absurd. That’s the way the ridiculous morons in the media behave. And, you know, if you’re going to hyperventilate like they do, it’s just I can’t take people like that seriously. I’m sorry, I like you. I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But if we were going to be exclusive, you would have to adopt a more traditional, more conservative view on things. And I don’t expect you to change your beliefs to be with me, but I’m not going to be exclusive with somebody that has radically different political views than me, especially this day and age.

Do I send her a text and be up front, that this isn’t going to work? Or should I slowly wean things off and let it fade?

Well, I mean, again, I wouldn’t do anything. I would just be looking for other girls to date. And when you find somebody else, or maybe the next two girls that you date, you like way more than you like this girl, then you can let this one fade away and just say, “Hey, I met somebody else. I just I’m just not feeling it. You know, you’re a great girl, but, you know, I need a deeper connection. And I need somebody who’s goals and values are more aligned with my own.” Pretty simple. You should not feel bad about telling a girl no, because your values and your goals do not align.

That this isn’t going to work, or should I slowly wean things off and let it fade? I don’t want to string her along, but I also don’t want to rush into ending something I might regret later.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks,

Bob

I wouldn’t do anything. I’d just keep dating her and I would get some other women to date as well. And just like a practice squad on an NFL team, you’re always trying to churn it and improve. Because you want to get to a place where you meet somebody that you really click with that you have like a, “Hell yeah! I’d love to date her! That she’s got the goals. She’s got the values that I really like. This is what I want long term.” And then you should choose to be with her or stay with her. That’s what I would do if I were you. But you shouldn’t feel like you have to end it or you have to continue going.

Your job is to create an opportunity for sex, to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she wants to lock you down, tell her why you don’t want to be locked down and tell her you’re willing to keep dating her, but you’ll understand if that doesn’t work for her and she wants to dip. Because when you behave that way, you know you’re going to have to understand that some girls aren’t going to stick around. Maybe she sticks around for a little while and she dips. But either way, when it’s the right girl and you want to be in a relationship, you’ll be like, hell yeah, it’ll feel natural. It’ll be like, of course, let’s do this. But you’re not in that place. But you also don’t want to blow it up.

So why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? So you’re getting the free milk, keep getting the free milk. Keep enjoying her. Keep hanging out. Having fun. Hooking up. Giving her lots of happy finishes. And don’t agree to be exclusive with her, or anybody for that matter. Until you feel it in your soul and your heart that it’s the right thing to do. Because I’ve found in my life, I mean, if you read The Book, you know, when I didn’t listen to that, when I had girlfriends when I was younger, and I didn’t listen to my intuition, going, “Eh. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to be exclusive. I don’t want to.” It never ended well. But when I listened to that, it always felt right.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.