I Made Her The Man In Our Relationship. She Became A Tyrant

How to get the power back if you made your girl the man in the relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 33-year-old viewer from Poland who’s new to my work. Over the last eight years he’s slowly given the power away in their relationship to his girlfriend and basically made her the man. She became a disrespectful tyrant. She nags, berates and belittles him. A few weeks ago he had enough, packed his bags and left.

He wants to work things out, but she is hesitant and he’s unsure of what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

A nagging Nancy.

This particular email is from a guy who is 33 years old. He’s from Poland, he’s new to my work, and he says over the last eight years he’s slowly given the power away in the relationship to his girlfriend and basically made her the man. She became a disrespectful tyrant. She nags, she berates and belittles him. A few weeks ago, he had enough, packed his bags and left. He wants to work things out, but she is hesitant and he’s unsure of what to do. He’s just gone through 3% Man for the first time, and as he says, it gave him a real cold shower of like, “Oh my God, boy have I messed up.”

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I am a new reader of your book, and it gave me a cold shower how much I’ve messed up.

I’m 33 years old, I can say I’m quite successful with my career as an engineer. I’ve been in a long term relationship with my woman for eight years. Since the beginning, we’ve had a struggle, but the magnetism between us was pretty obvious. She was reluctant to me since we started meeting, had some issues with getting to a new relationship. Everything changed when I stood my ground by politely telling, “Keep it or leave it. I don’t give a damn.”

Damn! Or a shit or, “Get off the pot,” kind of moment.

After of a few months of dating, hooking up and having fun while having mixed signals from her…

So I guess he was getting jerked around, obviously it was way before he came across my book because that’s just a recent thing, but he didn’t like her behavior. It’s like, “You’re either in or you’re out. Either shit or get off the pot,” and she liked that because he drew a firm boundary.

…She knew at that moment she was gonna lose me if she hesitates. We had a honeymoon phase, all great stuff of a relationship, but things we slipping gradually. While I read your book I know why I gave up my balls on a silver platter. I didn’t pursue our goals as a male in the relationship, I gave up my relationships with my buddies (Honestly in Poland things really dissipate when you graduate and most of your buddies are starting families, kids, etc.), I started to see my family more rarely. Huge mistake. I was so hung on her, became needy, I was gradually falling out of my position as a male, becoming whiny about everything, showing my dissatisfaction and felt out off the playfulness of a relationship. Hard to guess, it became mutual.

We were together for almost eight years, which the last three were a mess. She became the dominant person in this relationship (She’s a very strong and independent woman, having a successful career as a manager in a huge company). The strong issue is she became very bitchy about me, strong words, offensive in her language, she started nagging about my every decision and idea, like me wanting to start a PhD, my hobbies like sports, even my personal taste, etc.

So the reason she’s treating you that way is because, as you said, you put your balls in a box and gave them to her on a silver platter. You made her the man in the relationship, so she didn’t respect you. Women troll you like this when they don’t respect you as a man. They’re not attracted, they don’t respect you and they troll you to basically get you to stand up to them, stand up for yourself, stand up for your goals and values and basically be a man. That’s what she’s doing. She’s challenging him to be a man and obviously he was flailing around.

We came to a point that everything was bothering her (Her job is not helping the situation, tons of stress I see she can’t hold and it affects her personal life and health). I did huge mistakes like getting pity sex and then whining about it. As you can see, it’s a mess and I’m a mess.

About a few weeks ago, I had enough and I just packed my bags and said that I had enough with her attitude. I did it the wrong way, by yelling and making it a quarrel. My bad…

Our contact is scarce and kept to a minimum. As I’m reading your book, I know how much I’ve blown up the situation, but I also know how good this relationship was when things were in place. We had mutual strong attraction, we were intimate and both enjoying ourselves. I know that before putting this relationship in the bin, I want to see if we could still be a good fit to ourselves when I come back to my lane and get my balls back. I told her that coming back together (She says she knows how much she messed up by making me a punching bag and messing with me around. She admits her fault)…

So she admits that she was abusive towards him.

…Is not an option in our circumstances, living together in one place would be coming back to the same point where everything collapsed.

Well, you guys have been together for eight years. If you got a place together and you left, you just go back home, that’s all.

I suggested her that we should take a few steps back and start to date each other.

Well, you can do that while you’re still living together. The reason most long term relationships fail is because the guy stops dating and courting his girl, and he doesn’t make her feel heard and understood. In this case, you made her the man in the relationship, so she lost respect and attraction for you and she became a tyrant. She nagged you, she berated you, belittled you and abused you verbally for so long, eventually you just couldn’t take it and you left. You withdrew. Now that you’re going through the book, you got to go through it 10 to 15 times and you got to clean your game up. If you just read it once, then go back to her, there will be some improvement, but you won’t really understand the material backwards and forwards and you’ll still continue to make mistakes and do things that turn her off. So you got to clean up your game and you got to be maximally attractive.

Well, I want to stand my ground and I don’t see any other option than giving it a “Fresh start,” with much more ease of day-to-day boredom, day-to-day parts of life which she was bitchy about.

Well again, the reason why she was bitchy is because you weren’t acting like a man.

She’s reluctant to this idea. She says it’s not a clear situation for her and thinks it’s a long way to a fall apart. She calls it a “masquerade” and “bullshit.”

In other words, what she’s really saying is, “Hey, you’re in or you’re out. You either come back and you make an effort.” Don’t say, “Let’s live apart, and you’ll make a half-assed effort to date me again.” What she really wants you to do is step up and be the man that you’re capable of. Be the man that you were in the beginning. That’s all you got to do. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Apply what’s in the book.

I’m not pretty clear if it’s a feminine call for attention a woman expects from her partner, an act of dominance, a shit test or any other thing. It’s hard to be playful and easy nowadays. I’m trying to be the calmest version of myself while giving my opinion on it. My belief tells me to do not respond to these words, and to keep myself calm and wait until she accepts my point of view. On the other hand, if it’s a non-well addressed cry for my attention, I should be giving her my comfort, but it’s impossible when you are shoved with hard words and disrespect to your authority.

Well, you got to just sit her down and say, “These are the ground rules. I’ll come back. You got to stop nagging. You got to be nice to me. You got to talk to me in a calm manner. No more insults. No berating me. No belittling me. No insulting me. No trying to sandbag my success or my dreams,” because if a woman doesn’t support you, your goals and your dreams, she’s the wrong girl, and you should tell her that. “If I want to go and get my PhD, you need to support that. If you don’t support that, well there’s no point in even trying anymore. I need to find a woman that is excited for me, that’s my biggest fan and cheerleader, that encourages me to be more of what I am so I can reach my full potential, and therefore we can reach our full potential together.”

If she’s constantly going to belittle you and emasculate you, no man is going to want to put up with that. You want to come home to a woman that brings peace into your life, and right now, she disturbs your peace to the point where you’re just like, “I’m out of here.” So I would have the attitude of, “I’m open to coming back, but I’m coming back to a house that’s full of peace. That means when I come home, I want the sweet, kind, playful version of you. I don’t want this boss girl bitch that’s constantly trying to emasculate me and make me feel like shit and question myself. If I come back and you revert right back to the way you were, I’m going to pack my shit, I’m leaving permanently and I’m not coming back to you ever. I’ll go find somebody else that knows how to act like a cute, feminine girl and who’s nice to me. I want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. You’ve been a bitch in heat and high heels, and you’ve been so difficult and unpleasant to be around for so long, it wasn’t even fun to be in a relationship with you anymore.”

“Again, when I come home, I want a woman that respects my authority. I don’t want to deal with boss girl or diva attitude. I want a girl that is nice to me and I want you to talk to me in a sweet, respectful manner. So those are the ground rules. If you’re willing to do that, then I’ll come back home and we can give this the full effort, but it’s going to require both of us, and there’s no way that if I come back and you go right back to your old ways, I’m not going to stick around. I’m just letting you know now. So if you don’t think you can handle it, tell me now and we can move on and wish each other well. If you want to get another chance with me, this shit is going to change. I’m not going to put up with this attitude that you’ve been giving me. I don’t want to compete with another man in my house (i.e. you). You act like a man and it’s unpleasant. I don’t dig it. I come home every day and all you do is try to disturb my peace and upset me. I don’t want to deal with it. Be nice, be sweet, be playful, be my peace, be my joy.”

Nowadays, I focus on my becoming a better “me.” I started pursuing my goals and as I mentioned, before I blow up these eight years with this woman, I want to know if I can get it back on track. Your opinion on this could be a treasure for me.

Best wishes,

Bob

Well like I said, I was pretty clear the way you should approach it. If she agrees to those terms, I would give it another shot. I would give it 90 days. You can tell her that. “I’ll give it 90 days. I’ll come back. I’ll give it 90 days. If you revert back to this boss girl pain in the ass, constantly insulting me, I’m packing my shit and I’m leaving your ass permanently and we’re not going to be together anymore. We’re not going to know each other, we’re not going to talk and I’m out of your life and I’ll go find another woman who can treat me sweetly, because this tyrant that you became, this boss girl diva, I don’t want to deal with it anymore. You can unload on your male coworkers and berate and abuse them, but when I come home, I want a woman that brings peace. I want a woman that jumps into my arms and is sweet. When I come home, she’ll pull my pants down, gives me a blowjob and hands me a cocktail. That’s what I want. I don’t want a woman that’s been waiting all day to just unload and abuse me. I’m not going to be your punching bag. So if you think you can do that, that would be wonderful. If you can’t, well we had a good run. We had a good eight years, and I’m ready to let it go, because I’m not coming back to the woman that you have been these last several years.”

Get all that handled with ideally in person. You should talk this out in person and she’ll either commit to it or she won’t. None of this, “Oh, I got to think think about it.” It’s like, “Well, if you got to think about it, that just tells me no. That tells me you’re not really willing to make it work.” That was also what she was saying. “You’re all in or all out,” not “Hey, we’ll get our own places and we’ll just kind of casually date again.” I go back, I’d give it 90 days. As long as she agrees to your terms, as long as she agrees to be sweet and she understands that berating you and belittling you is not loving, if she does that to any man whose balls have dropped, they will all leave her. They will all not put up with it. We want a girl who’s nice to us, who’s easygoing, who’s easy to get along with, who brings us peace, is our joy, is sweet and kind, easy to communicate with and talks to us in a loving way. “If you think you’re going to abuse me, the only thing you’re going to see of me is the back of my car as I’m driving away.” That’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.