How to tell the difference and make the right choice between thinking that you can do better than the quality of your current lover, knowing you can do better and actually doing something about improving the quality of the lovers you date.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who originally became a coaching client last year when trying to get his ex back. He followed what I suggested, and she continued contacting him. Eventually, he says he realized he could do better, and he told her not to contact him anymore. He has many options now and is not looking for a relationship.
He has a woman he has been hooking up with for the past five months who is continually trying to lock him down to a commitment. Recently, she even started rubbing another guy in his face. He went from not caring that much about her, to vomiting his feelings all over her, not because of what he truly felt for her, but out of his desire to manipulate her and keep her in his stable. He asks my opinion on how to keep things casual with her, even though she wants more, there is another guy in the picture and since he is really searching for someone better. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I did a phone coaching session with you last October about getting an ex of 5 years back. I followed your advice, and she kept contacting me until I finally told her to never call me again. I simply realized I could do better. (I see this a lot. There’s a lack of passion there. However, rejection breeds obsession when you’re threatened with losing that person forever.) Fast forward about a year later, I have many options and am not looking for a relationship. I want to play the field for a while with the tools I learned from your book. So here’s my question… one woman I’ve been hooking up with for 5 months is at the point where she’s been trying to lock me down for a while now. I managed to keep her as a fuck buddy, but it’s like, eventually women want to be exclusive. (Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting and relationships, so if you’re going to date a woman for that amount of time, she’s going to want more.) I’m 100% honest with her when I’m going to see a woman who’s out of state, but the last time I left, I think she had enough. She constantly tells me I’m the only guy she’s having sex with and wants the same. I realized I was a cold fish the entire time we’ve hooked up and let her do 100% of the pursuing, so she’s now backed off and and is rubbing a guy I think is an ex in my face via Facebook. (You shouldn’t be letting anything on Facebook diminish you, and at the end of the day, if you really care about her, you should want her to be happy, even if it’s not with you. If she really knocked your socks off, you would have been more than fuck buddies after five months.) I never had intentions on making her my girlfriend, but seeing her post a picture with a guy kind of stung and makes me want her more. WHY COACH? (Rejection breeds obsession, because now you see her as a potentially scarce resource. You’re not ready to let her go, because you were coasting, and life was pretty easy.) She reached out yesterday, and I told her I care about her feelings and would like to talk face to face. (A strong man would let this woman go.) She says she’s not screwing anyone, but quite frankly, I’m pissed she’s purposely trying to get me jealous to get me to commit. (An alpha male would be happy for her.) She said she’s willing to talk, but I didn’t set a date because she’s playing manipulative games. I’m going to do nothing and play it by ear, but damn it hurts, and I don’t know why, because I could have her if I wanted. (You were just comfortable and haven’t found anything better.)
How do you keep a long-term sex playmate happy? (Don’t lie to her, and don’t mislead her about your intentions.) I do date her and take her out, so maybe she feels I’m leading her on. I used my “puke up your feelings free card” yesterday, but didn’t become unglued. I figured I was so cold the entire time I’ve known her that I could get away with telling her I actually care about her and want to go back to how we were, etc. (You just miss the idea of what you had with her. You’re ignoring the fact she wants to move on. You should be happy for her and encourage her to move on, instead of giving her false hope and blowing sunshine up her ass.)
“Everyone projects their dating fantasy onto their new lovers, while willfully ignoring their flaws, quirks and idiosyncrasies. It’s not until after the honeymoon period and infatuation period has ended, that we start to see the person for who they really are. When a relationship ends, it’s not that we miss the person we used to be in relationship with, but that we miss the fantasy of who we thought they were. Healing after a breakup comes with time, finding someone better and realizing that the reality of our ex and our fantasy were not a match. Developing the inner strength to make the right choices based upon a potential lover’s reality comes from wisdom gained through relationship experiences, successes and failures.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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