Why it’s better to focus on being a great dater, great lover and enjoying your life and your experiences with members of the opposite sex, instead of focusing on finding or meeting “the one,” and how this actually leads to unhealthy attachments, obsession and rejection.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is starting to delude himself into believing that he has finally met “the one” perfect girl for him to be the answer to all of his relationship fantasies. He is projecting his dating fantasy onto this woman and starting to ignore the reality of her situation, the way she really is and how she treats him. He’s putting her on a pedestal and starting to be extra nice, beta male and submissive so he does not screw things up. However, she is recently out of an eight-year relationship with the father of her child. He’s starting to over-pursue and focus on what he is not getting from her. He also says he wants to start helping other people with their dating life before he has actually learned what to do himself. I give him a reality check and tell him what he really needs to focus on so he can achieve the success he wants for himself, and so he will be able to help other people effectively down the road if he chooses to become a coach. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I stumbled onto your YouTube page a few days ago by accident. I am not one to really spend time on these types of sites, because I naturally get how to deal with the opposite sex and have been pretty successful until now.
I recently met “the one.” (There will be points in your life, when you may think you’ve found the perfect girl for you. However, sometimes you will grow apart because you realize your goals and values are not aligned, you become bored with each other, or the relationship no longer offers an opportunity for growth.) How do I know? Simply because I am 36, I’ve slept around, had multiple women chasing me, and I’ve done the long-term relationships. You know, the whole 9. They say you know when you know. (At the end of the day, this is just a feeling.) I’ve been talking to her for a month. I usually would have had sex by now and peaked her interest to where she did most of the pursuing. The issue is that she just got out of an 8-year relationship with the only guy she has really ever been with, her son’s father. So yeah, the break up is fresh. I know she likes me, and I am still being true to myself by not being eager and acting like a total dipshit. I am doing just enough to stay out of the friend zone, but I am being cautious about how often I call or text. (As my book describes, the phone is for setting dates. By the second or third date, she should start reaching out to you, and eventually she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. It is easy that way because she is dictating the pace. At the end of the day, women are the ones doing the choosing anyway.) I’m even more reserved with setting up dates. I don’t call much or text, but will carry on a conversation if she is being chatty. (The more you’re spending time chit chatting on the phone, the less time you’re going to spend chit chatting together in person where something could happen physically.) We work together, and I give her space there as well. I usually only talk to her if she comes my office. (If she’s coming into your office to see you, make a date right there.) We have great conversation, but I’m noticing when I call sometimes, she won’t answer, and I don’t even get a text the next morning. (I can tell you’re too focused on locking her down. You’re putting her on a pedestal and being too much of a nice guy, because you don’t want to screw it up.) That being the case, I won’t call or text again until she does in most cases. (You’re over pursuing, which will cause a woman to back away.) This is a new territory for me. I have almost lost interest in the other women. I know better, but that is the reality of the situation. (She’s not reciprocating the kind of interest in you that you have in her. You’re pursuing too much, and your actions are having a negative impact on her attraction for you.) I almost feel like, because of her lack of experience in dating, that she actually wants a guy to chase her or expects it. (This is the illusion of action. The worst thing you can do is chase more.) Am I going about this right? What’s your take? I have a follow up question once I hear from you.
As a side note, I purchased a web address a few months ago. I really want to do what you are doing. It is my passion. I love women and I love talking about relationships and the in and outs of dating. I can do it for hours. Do you have any advice on how I can get started? (Before you can teach, you must know. Read my book 10-15 times. If you want to become a great coach some day, you must be a great student first.) I am reading a few books to increase my knowledge, but what else can I be doing? (Read my book and learn the fundamentals. Master this stuff first so you become qualified to give others advice.) Also, I think your viewers would benefit from a video newsletter on being interesting, especially in regards to having an interesting space. This has been big for me. I have hookahs, weird books, and different things a woman can pick up and play with. It makes my place somewhere she enjoys coming and coming back! (I’ve talked about this in my videos and in my book.)
I hope to hear from you soon. Keep up the great work. It is very much appreciated!
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Experience and failure are life’s best teachers. The more things you try in life, the more you will fail. Becoming okay with failure is essential to eventually becoming a success through your experiences. There is no shortcut to success. When it comes to dating, many people project their ideal fantasy onto potential new lovers, while ignoring the reality of what they are really like. This leads to unhealthy attachments and becoming stuck on people who don’t, won’t or can’t reciprocate interest. This literally takes them out of circulation, stops their learning and forward progress, and actually prevents them from meeting the right person for them, since they are no longer open to or looking for someone who actually meets their needs. In order to meet the right person, you must be available, ready, happy, open to it happening, comfortable in your own skin and have space in your life for someone to fill.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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