I Slipped One Past The Goalie & Now She’s Pregnant. Should We Keep It?

Some things to consider when an unexpected pregnancy happens.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who slipped one past the goalie and now his girlfriend is pregnant. They’ve been together for two years and his parents love her. However, she’s at a good place in her career and he’s unsure he wants to even be with her now.

They are contemplating an abortion and ask my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I think this is an email that everybody should listen to because this is kind of important.

So this guy stayed and his girlfriend for about two years and things have been going really well. His parents absolutely love her and she’s at a really good place in her career and things, I guess, are about to take off. Neither one of them are really ready for kids or were thinking about kids, but now she’s pregnant. I guess for about three weeks she’s contemplating an abortion and now he’s starting to think, “Man, I think I’d kind of like to be single. I don’t think I really want to be with her.” So it’s like a total gut check moment because he’s contemplating if he could keep it, then what? Lots of guys have been in this situation.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for roughly two years. Everything was going well. She’s met my parents many times and they love her. We get on really well together. I’m 29 and she’s 32. Recently I discovered that I slipped one past the goalie, and it’s been about three weeks since conception. When she brought it up, I was totally calm, present, and brought some humor to cheer her up and put her at ease. I wanted to be strong for her and we started to communicate what we want and what the different scenarios will look like.

Both our heads are spinning, since we hadn’t planned this…

Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt.

In my case, my girlfriend and I, we’re like oil and water. We did not get along and she was a little nutty. Her dad died when she was six of a drug overdose, and her mother never dated anybody. So she grew up without a father and without any real masculine role models in her life. She had an older brother who was cuckoo. On top of that, she had gotten pregnant when she was 16. When she and I were dating, her son was like almost 18, and he had a girlfriend, and he was like mostly an adult anyways by that point.

So she got pregnant. She didn’t really want to be pregnant again, and we weren’t getting along. Plus, she’d been on antidepressants unbeknownst to me, and had just taken herself off of them about a month before. About two or three weeks into it, after she went off her meds, holy shit, she became a completely different person. She went from being nice and sweet to nutty, angry, moody, unhappy and bitchy, and just not a good situation. On top of that, we find out she’s pregnant, and I was like, “Well, let’s keep the baby. I’ll raise the baby if you don’t want to be a mom anymore.” She was a lefty. She ultimately didn’t want to keep it and decided to abort the baby.

We broke up and we found out we were pregnant about a couple weeks before we ended up breaking up. Despite the fact I was supportive of having a kid, even if she didn’t want to be involved, I was like, “I’ll take full custody,” she didn’t want to go through the whole process because when that happened, when she was younger, her boyfriend, basically about a year after the son was born, he just went back to Argentina and had zero involvement with her son growing up. So things that really made things difficult and complicated, whether she was super fucking hot, hot on a level that I have not seen, like walking into a room with this woman, it was amazing the effect that she had on other people, especially men. I’d never seen anything like it.

So you grow up without a father, you’re super hot and she’s gonna be a little jaded, ego’s going to be like, because she’s just like, wherever she goes, these dudes are like constantly throwing their dicks at her. After seeing what she was like after she went off her meds, it’s like, man, our relationship spiraled and it just didn’t get any better. I couldn’t talk to her. She wouldn’t listen. She didn’t want to communicate. It was, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and she didn’t want to talk about it. You know normally, like I talk about in 3% Man, a normal, healthy woman will often say that because usually it’s like a test of, “How bad do you really want to know what’s bothering me?” And you say, “Come on, tell me what’s going on.” “OK.” Then she’ll tell you, but her, no matter what I did, she’s like, “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” She’d hang up on me and I wouldn’t hear from her for three or four days. She’d stew about it and then call me up like everything is fine. “Oh hey, how are you?” “Well, what was up with the other day?” “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to have fun.”

So things like that would happen. Over the course of our dating it’s like, every time I’d piss her off, she’d get pissed off about something, and then I wouldn’t hear from her for three or four days, and she’d come back and act like nothing happened, wouldn’t want to talk about it, and I just wasn’t used to that. I don’t like that. I’m used to having a good, open communication. It was my one experience with a girl that grew up without a father. On top of that, she’s super hot. So she’s jaded, ego is the size of Texas because again, it’s like I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen men just hypnotized by her beauty and her 34 double D’s, but after the fact, yeah I was not happy. I was distraught about losing my child because I love kids.

You know, when I was in my 20s, you guys that have read Mastering Yourself, I was mentoring at-risk kids, being a coach, being a mentor, basically being like a part-time father figure for kids that weren’t mine. I loved it. Especially if you read 3% Man being a stepdad to my girlfriend’s daughter, watching her grow up, it was a great experience. It was life changing. So I love kids. I’ve always been good with kids, and I was pretty bummed for a while after that, but years later, like now I look back on it, it’s like, I’m so glad she’s not in my life. I’m so glad that I didn’t have a child with her, because it would have just been nothing but a pain in the ass. So even though I’m sad over the loss of my child, I’m glad I’m not with her mother.

So back to our email.

…Although I’m keeping my head spinning to myself. She’s more towards having an abortion since she doesn’t feel ready, she’s at an important stage of her career, and is worried about us being financially stable, although I’m starting a new job with great wages that will allow us to be quite comfortable.

So the other thing is she’s 32. I mean, it’s like every year that goes by, it’s going to get harder for her to conceive and have a healthy baby. So her window is really closing fast. Again, feminism tells girls, “Hey boss girl, focus on your career. You can always have kids later. Freeze your eggs,” you know, that kind of stuff. So you need to have a discussion about that. The most important thing is, do you have a similar goals and values? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Unlike my Brazilian girlfriend, who is not easygoing, easy to get along with. She was at first, but once she stopped taking her medication, it’s like she became a lunatic and I didn’t want to deal with it. No, thank you. Check, please!

You guys gotta want the same things. You gotta like her family. She’s gotta like yours. Obviously, your family likes her, but what’s her family like? Because obviously the grandparents will be co-parenting and co-grandparenting. With aunts and uncles, same thing. If you talk to a lot of couples that have had kids, especially when they’re young or slip one past the goalie, “Oh, we were hoping to wait until our 30s,” and then it happens earlier than they expect, what most people say is that, “You know what? As difficult as it was, wish I should have spent more time with my kids. I wish I’d have started when I was younger. I wish I’d have had more kids.” That’s what you typically hear. That’s what people that love children love being a parent.

So you got to really love mentoring and being in a child’s life. If you talk to most people, they’re like, “Man, I wasn’t expecting it. We weren’t really ready.” Unless, of course, they were planning for it, but more often than not, this is the kind of stuff that happens. So is she easygoing? Easy to get along with? Is she nice to you? Again, my Brazilian girlfriend was not. She was not easygoing and easy to get along with. She was nice to me sometimes when she was medicated, but when she was off it, it was like, “Ahh!” The reason she went off is things were so great between us. She’s like, “I’m so happy now. I just decided I don’t need my anti-depressants anymore.” Completely changed her behavior.

I’m more open to keeping it, especially based on the fact that I’m thinking about what it means spiritually to have an abortion, but a part of me is choosing this out of duty. I’m starting to think because it’s so early and it would be a pill that I don’t feel it’s as heavy a decision as if it was later on.

It’s not an ideal time, and I think both of us are feeling trapped by the situation, like it’s been imposed on us.

Dude, nothing was imposed on you, OK? That’s fucking bullshit. You were bumping uglies. The bottom line is, you finished inside of her. Maybe she was on birth control. Maybe she missed a pill or took one late. I mean, those things are going to happen. You know, birth control is not infallible. Maybe you were using condoms and it ripped, it broke, or there was a pinhole. I mean, those things happen, but to say it was imposed on you? It wasn’t imposed on you. It’s called nature. You were rolling a dice every time you had unprotected sex or you were raw-dogging it.

I’m a natural over-thinker, and my head is going in many directions. Even thinking, whether if we did get an abortion if I should stay in a relationship with her.

Well, that’s the thing. If you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now, because this is like a gut check, how bad do you really want this girl? How bad do you want to be in a relationship with her? Do you see her as the mother of your children? Do you want her as the mother of your children? If the answer is no, then I’d pull the ripcord and get the hell out of it. Obviously, I’m not a fan of abortion, but then again, it’s really the woman’s choice because it’s her body. She can decide to keep it or not.

But then again, I do overthink lots of things and it can be hard to know what I want.

You either know or you don’t. Before this happened, were you thinking you want to spend your life with her or not? Now that it has happened, say you don’t have the baby, do you want to stay or do you want to go?

I am pretty happy most of the time, and I do love her although I don’t know when I would want kids. It’s possible I just fantasize about the grass being greener elsewhere.

My question is, what’s your opinion on having an abortion?

Well, I’m not a fan of it. Obviously I didn’t want my girlfriend to have an abortion. I told her I would keep it and raise her. I got plenty of women in my life, aunts, uncles and grandparents that can help out. So she was like, “I don’t care. I just want to look hot.” So I didn’t have any choice in the matter.

I’m from a Christian background but I also believe in karma, so I wouldn’t call myself dogmatic.

Well, the other thing is, say she does get an abortion and afterwards you guys were like, “Wow, we dodged a bullet. Really glad we’re not having kids right now,” and she’s like, “Great! I can focus on my career,” and say, when she gets to be 35, 36, 37, you decide, “OK, now we’re ready. Now we’re ready to have a family,” and you want to stay with her, what if she can’t get pregnant after that? What if something happens during the abortion that messes her insides up, and it makes it impossible for her to have babies, or she starts miscarrying future babies? Then you’re going to think, “Oh man, what if we hadn’t had an abortion? We would at least have kids now.”

So you got some deep thinking on this topic here because really, do you want to be with her or not? Do you want to have kids with her or not? If you do want to have children with her, then in my opinion, you should have the baby even though you feel you’re not ready. Talk to other people. Talk to your parents about it. Were they ready to have you? Are you glad that they kept you instead of aborting you? You know, talk to friends that you got. See what their experience was. Were they expecting it? Were they trying for it or did it happen by accident? Because most of the people I know, they always say the same thing, which is, “I wish I would have had more and I wish I’d have started when I was younger,” because nobody’s really ready.

So again, this is something that you and her have to work out, but really it just boils down to, do you want her to be the mother of your children or not? If the answer is yes, well she’s pregnant, you might as well keep it. If the answer is no, you don’t really see her as the mother of your children, then I’d pull the ripcord and get out, because it’s just not going to be helpful to raise a child with somebody you don’t like or don’t want to be with long-term. It just makes things way more difficult.

So I don’t know what’s in your heart. I don’t know what’s in her heart. It’s between the two of you. You got to work out. Like I said, if you know you definitely want her as the mother of your children, I’d keep it. If you think you don’t and you don’t want to stay with her, then it’d be best to get out so she can go meet somebody else, because by the time she dates and spends some time with a guy two or three years when she’s 35, 36 by that point, her window is really closing fast.

When making this decision, I want to do the right thing, but it seems so hard to know what that is exactly.

Thanks Coach,

Bob

Well like I said, it really boils down to one thing. Do you want her to be the mother of your children or not? The answer is no, then I’d tap out and I wouldn’t stay with her, because you’re just wasting her time and yours. The reality is, men can pretty much have kids until they croak. So that’s something to think about.

So good luck with your decision. Send us an email down the road. Let us know what you guys decide to do, because I know there’s lots of dudes are going to be watching this. They’re going to probably be in the same boat. So it’s helpful to discuss these things. Thanks for sending the email in!

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.