I Smothered & Chased Her Out Of My Life. Will She Come Back?

What you can do if you smothered and chased your girl out of your life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer from Switzerland who smothered and chased a woman he really loved out of his life. They were talking about their future and him moving 2 hours away with her to a new city. Then she dumped him over text and refused to see him. He’s been in no contact for about 2 weeks. He wonders if she’ll be back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “I Smothered & Chased Her Out Of My Life. Will She Come Back?”.

Well, it’s always best to flip a coin because it could go either way. So this guy got a little over his skis, and so he started dating this girl, and he got a little too dopey over her. And she was talking about, I guess she was going to move to another city that’s like two hours away. And she’s like, “Would you like to move with me?” And he’s like, “sure.” So he’s just going to uproot his life and move there. Not because he necessarily wants to live in that city, but because he wants to follow her, which is basically making her the man in the relationship.

And so you’ll see, she even brought that up when she broke it off with him, saying that she felt guilty if he was to move there and then it didn’t work out, she wouldn’t want him uprooting his life. So that just goes to show that he’s way more into her than she was in him, and he was only focused on his own feelings and interests. And so on top of that, he’s thinking everything’s going great. And then all of a sudden she basically texts him, breaks it off. He wants to get together in person and talk about it.

She refused, saying, “I’m not going to change my mind.” And now he hasn’t talked to her in like 12 days. He’s in no contact and so he wonders if she will come back. So again, as the book says, you’ve got to take measured steps. She should be doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing. And you just set dates when you reach out. But when you get a little dopey and you get a little too focused on how much you like her, and you don’t really pay attention to how much she likes you, and the fact that you’re investing way more effort and energy than she is, this is what’s going to happen.

This is as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. And unfortunately, it lasts three years. When I see a lot of this attachment style stuff it’s, you know, out there, and, you know, a lot of people are talking about it. And so what I see guys do that are emailing me, I see it in the comments, I see it in the live streams, I see it in phone sessions, is they get all hung up on this attachment stuff.

And then they use that as a crutch to go, “Oh, it’s not my problem. I didn’t over pursue and smother her and chase her out of my life. It’s her attachment issues.” And at the end of the day, attachment issues has nothing to do with what creates attraction and what turns women on and what turns them off. If you act unattractive, you’re going to chase her out of your life. That’s just the bottom line.

If she’s got attachment issues and you chase her too much, she’s going to stay away longer than a normal, healthy woman would. But at the end of the day, you’ve got to act attractive as a man. You can’t just go, “Oh, it’s not my fault.” Or “attachment issues” because it’s not going to get any better.

And that’s why those guys end up on phone sessions with me, is because the attachment issues become part of their personal story and excuse as to why their behavior is just perfect and it’s the woman’s issue. And then they keep behaving unattractive and they keep spinning their wheels and getting nowhere. So this guy’s from Switzerland, by the way.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

My name is Bob, I am 28 years old and from Switzerland. I met this woman last fall. It was very intense from the start and we spent every other day together even though she lived an hour away. But we knew from the beginning that she would have to move to another city two hours away in early summer. She was completely obsessed with me for the first few months and couldn’t get enough of me.

So in other words, she was way more in him than he was in her. And then obviously at some point he got a little too dopey. He got a little over his skis and the power flipped, and he went from letting her come to him at her pace, to basically assuming the woman’s role and chasing and obsessing over and drooling all over her and ignoring the fact that his interest was going up. Hers was actually starting to go down. Until it was too late. He did not exercise self-control, and he got away from what the book teaches, and he predictably got rejected.

That’s why she invited me to spend Christmas with her family, even though we had only known each other for a short time. She regularly told me how much she liked me and how much she loved our sex life and my confidence in it. When I wasn’t with her for a few days, she usually wrote to me right away to tell me how much she missed me and wanted me back with her as soon as possible.

Again, this is her idea. Women like a guy that’s a challenge. So she’s having to work to get his attention. He’s in his masculine, she’s in her feminine. And as you’ll see, he completely flips the roles and starts acting like the woman. This confuses her. This turns her off and actually pushes her away, but he doesn’t notice it until it’s too late, because he was only focused on how much he liked her and ignoring that her interest was dropping.

She also regularly asked me if I wanted to move to the new city with her. I always answered, “If things continue to work out between us, then yes, I’d love to.”

Why would you want to move two hours away from where you live? The only reason a man should do that and move two hours away is because the city is a dramatic improvement, and you really want to live there. When a guy follows a girl like this nine times out of ten, as soon as he arrives, or shortly after he arrives there, he gets dumped. And then he’s in a city he doesn’t really want to be in, doesn’t know anybody, and he’s not a happy camper. I’ve seen dudes move countries.

I’ve seen him move across the state. I’ve seen him move from one end of the country to the other end of the country, not because they wanted to live there, but because they were trying to please a woman, because they liked her and didn’t want to lose her. And so they basically when they do that, They make her the man in the relationship. She’s the one deciding how things go, and women don’t want power and control in their relationship. They want to follow your lead.

After New Year’s, when I had too much time on my hands.

Uh oh.

I started chasing after her when she wasn’t in a good mood instead of just letting her come to me.

So he became worried and fearful that he was losing her and she was slipping away. And instead of exercising self control, he turned into a big mangina.

Most days I managed to do that, but at times I was so caught up in my own head.

In other words, he was only paying attention to how much he liked her and completely ignoring and not paying attention to the fact that she didn’t feel the same way. And even if he did notice it, he became scared. And so he thought by pursuing more it would fix that. Because he’s full of fear. Which you fear, you attract. And so since he was driven by fear and his actions were driven by fear, he literally started chasing her out of his life to where he dried her up and turned her off, and she lost respect and attraction for him. He started acting like the woman in the relationship. She became more masculine and stoic and it just spiraled from there.

I was so caught up in my own head that I didn’t let her come to me enough. In mid-January, we had our first conversation about whether it still made sense for us to be together in the future.

I don’t know if he brought that up or she brought it up, but also they weren’t dating for very long and she invited him to spend Christmas. I don’t even know if they ever actually got to the place where they were boyfriend and girlfriend. They were just kind of casually dating.

The conversation was relatively short, and then we ended up in bed and spent the following weeks pretending that there were no problems.

I wouldn’t say it was we were pretending it was. Probably he was pretending he recognized that she wasn’t as into him as he thought. He became scared, and so he was afraid of the reality that she might not want to be with him. And so he kept pursuing and pursuing and pursuing. Trying to shoehorn himself into her life, basically acting like the girl. And she acted like the man.

She was still very affectionate towards me and constantly sought my attention, writing to me every day and asking to meet up. Towards the end of the month, I flew off on vacation. When I didn’t get in touch while I was away, she wrote to me saying she missed me and was worried. She was very needy again and constantly sent me pictures and wrote to me.

Okay, so now the power flips back the other way, which is good. That’s the way it should be. She should be the one wondering where she stood. But when you’re too clear and you’re too obvious and you’re too emotional and it’s too much too soon and it’s not her idea, you’re gonna get rejected. It’s as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. And probably most guys watching this video have had the same experience. And you guys have read my book and obviously, you know, and if you’re new and you haven’t read it, it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the free Email Newsletter.

On my way home from vacation, she texted me as usual. When I asked her when we could meet up, she sent me a long breakup message.

So obviously on vacation, things weren’t as good as he said because again, what he said was she was doing all the pursuing on vacation or most of it. Women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump men they lost respect and attraction for. It’s just a fact of life, even if you don’t want to hear it.

She told me how hard it was for her and that she really wanted to see me, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it in person. During our first conversation, she kept bursting into tears. She thinks that in the future, the two of us wouldn’t be compatible.

And you know why she thinks that? Because she came to realize you’re way more into her than she is into you, that’s why. And she doesn’t think it’s going to get any better. That’s why she’s dipping now. Because you’re not the first guy she’s been in a relationship or dated that this happened with. So this is why you have to let women come to you. And she should be doing 80, 90, 95% or even 100% of the pursuing if you can get away with it. Most women will let you get away with them doing 95 and even 100% of the pursuing.

She also said it would be too much pressure for her if I moved for her and it didn’t work out. 

So again, this is not a woman that’s head over heels in love with him. This is a woman that’s got mediocre interest. Because again, he just didn’t let her be.

I called her and asked to talk in person, telling her I didn’t deserve to be told something like that over text. She asked for time to think about it, which I gave her.

“I’ll think about it.” “I’ll think about it” means “no.”

The next day, she texted me saying she couldn’t do it and that talking in person wouldn’t change her mind.

So she’s already decided. It’s like, yeah, there’s no way dude, I’m over it.

I asked her if she wasn’t making it a little too easy for herself and running away from her feelings.

Well, that’s what he thinks, because, again, he’s drunk on his own feelings, so he completely misread the situation and even didn’t describe it properly in the email. Because in the email, he makes it sound like, “oh, she’s pursuing me constantly.” But it wasn’t really like that. Thank you. Thank you for the licks in the face. Thank you very much.

She said yes, but that’s how she wants to handle it.

Because again, her interests and her respect for him is low at this point.

I finally just said that I couldn’t understand it and that she should contact me if she changed her mind and was ready to see me. She said okay, and that was it. We haven’t had any contact for 12 days now. And I wont text her ever again, until she does.

Well, that’s the right response. Maybe you’ll get back to reading the book and get back to the fundamentals and actually follow what I teach.

I have muted all her social media channels and haven’t looked at anything from her. Sometimes she posts pictures on WhatsApp now. A friend of mine said she posts different pictures on Instagram and only I can see her status on WhatsApp.

So she’s doing it on purpose. Well, if you’re looking at WhatsApp and she’s able to see that you’re looking at it well, she knows you’re still engaged. So I would stop going on WhatsApp and looking at everything she posts. So knock it off. As far as you’re concerned, she is dead to you and unless she reaches out, you’re never going to speak again as long as you live. This is what happens when you only pay attention to how much you like a girl, and you ignore the fact that she’s slipping away.

So she’s doing it on purpose. Why is she doing this when she was the one who broke up with me? I really messed things up with her last month and hope she gets back in touch. I really love her.

Well, that’s the thing. You’re drunk on your love for her, but you completely ignored the fact that she didn’t feel the same way. And this is all laid out in the book. But you didn’t listen. You didn’t follow it. So what can we do?

But I also know that I can’t wait around for that to happen, so I’m getting on with my life and meeting new women.

Thanks for your work, Corey.

Cheers,

Bob

Well Bob, these are those kind of painful lessons I learned at many, many, many times over my teenage years and my early 20s. And after that happened one too many times, I finally said, enough of this shit. I’ve got to figure this out. I’ve got to figure out why the same thing keeps happening. And all these decades later, here we are. And you know, again, I wrote the book the way I wrote it. I do all these Video Newsletters.

But again, if you read it and you watch the Video Newsletters and then you do the opposite, and you refuse to exercise self control because you think you’re special, you think you’re different, you think you know better, you think this girl’s different, and then you predictably behave in an unattractive way for a whole entire month. He was turning her off and he didn’t even recognize it because again, he was drunk on his own feelings.

And again, this dude’s willing to just uproot his life and move two hours away. It’s he doesn’t really sound like he’s really centered and got his life together. He just sounds like a little boy that got drunk on a crush, and he’s ready to make her the man in the relationship, and she didn’t want to be the man. And so she dumped him. And that’s just the way it is, right, Lyla? So all you can do is nothing. If she does reach out in the future, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over for dinner, hang out, have fun, hook up.

If she asks you about moving to a new city, just say, “Well, maybe someday we could do that. But you know, I need to check out the city and see how the vibe is and how I like it.” You know, it’s just like with real estate, you know, you see a bunch of nice houses and you’re like, oh, these are really nice. And then you go drive the neighborhood and you walk around in the house, you’re like, ah, you know, I just leased a new place. We’ll be moving in the next month or so.

And there was a really killer house that looked amazing. And then the house was beautiful. But the neighborhood, I didn’t like the vibe. And then there was another place that I looked at which the house was like, really cool. But I wasn’t really sure I wanted to be in that area. And then I went and I looked at the property and I was like, “It’s got great vibes.” So that’s the one I got. So again, that would be something I would tell her if she asked. You can say, “Well, let’s see how it goes.”

You know, probably if you’re going to move in the summer, “We’ll see where we are at that point. And then I can come visit you and check your city out. And if I like it better in your city then where I live now, then maybe. But we’ll have to see.” It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear dude.

And you basically were ready to put a ring on this girl’s finger and you had absolutely no self-perception, no self-awareness, that she was not feeling the same way. So you’ve got to exercise self control. And this is why I teach and say, you got to read the book 10 to 15 times and stick to it, because if you don’t, you’re going to predictably get burned.

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